I think my husband is obsessed with my niece.

[GorillaTheater]

I'd encourage you to keep posting, Tink. Let us know how things go for you.

[sandylee1]

Yes, men aren't women. Men are hard wired to notice sexually attractive women, although yes most men have at least SOME respect for certain boundaries. Of course the whole "off limits" thing can make an attraction even more intense.

 

I'm not that surprised that he's crushing on (I assume good-looking) twenty-year old, but he should at least be more subtle about it.

 

And I have a feeling from the OP's original post that this is merely the latest in a string of issues.

 

 

I'm not blind and I notice good looking men too.... but my thoughts would never go there with his older nephews or any other male relatives regardless how handsome they were.

 

I've got a 20 and 22 year old nieces ..... there are occasions they are in our house when I'm not in. ....but my H is....... how could I be with a man who viewed them like that.... NO WAY. It totally creeps me out.

[Walters]

Woman don’t really understand because they attempt to compare how they would perceive something when for men its completely different.

 

Instead of writing something lengthy I would just refer to this video that explains it quite well.

 

 

You Niece is not blood and the person saying that their husband would not “look” at their nieces because he understands and considered them his nieces. No, if they are extremely attractive he simply controls it better. For a man not to look at something he finds attractive takes an extreme amount of will power.

 

I honestly find this pretty foolish to divorce simply because he might take a pass at her. If he did, by all means divorce him. However, I find it incorrect to just assume he would take it to that level.

 

Again I am reading the story you are living it. However, based on the current text - that is my opinion.

[SammySammy]

Woman don’t really understand because they attempt to compare how they would perceive something when for men its completely different.

 

Instead of writing something lengthy I would just refer to this video that explains it quite well.

 

 

You Niece is not blood and the person saying that their husband would not “look” at their nieces because he understands and considered them his nieces. No, if they are extremely attractive he simply controls it better. For a man not to look at something he finds attractive takes an extreme amount of will power.

 

I honestly find this pretty foolish to divorce simply because he might take a pass at her. If he did, by all means divorce him. However, I find it incorrect to just assume he would take it to that level.

 

Again I am reading the story you are living it. However, based on the current text - that is my opinion.

 

Uh, no.

 

My niece is blood. My brother's daughter. She's essentially the same as my daughter.

[Mumbles]

Oh for gods sakes! Have we come to this? What a bunch of moralistic rubbish!

 

So he's developed an obsession ... so what? The very nature of these things is that it will pass ... assuming he's not a full blown pedo or something (which you would know already, no mistake).

 

The absolute truth here lies in whether he acts on his obsession - and surely he is not going to? But, cut the guy some slack and help him at least a bit to let time pass and the obsession to also pass - I agree with another poster who said "don't let them be alone", thats just common sense - he has an obsession and those who know can help him past this in a more reasonable way than thumping him over the head.

 

Why are we, as a western society always apparently resting our fingers on the hair trigger of severe punishment and/or divorce? Its like we're constantly looking for reasons to beat people into oblivion.

 

Women around the age of the niece here are often astoundingly beautiful and attractive, its the nature of evolution and theres very good reasons for this.

 

Over the course of countless generations however we've learned that there are often very undesirable outcomes to procreating with others who's blood is too close to our own; though this isn't the case here. We've perhaps understandably expanded to this encompass all 'close' family ... though exactly where that line is drawn is constantly up for debate - 2nd cousins ok? How about 3rd or 4th? What about step-siblings? Etc etc.

 

Now, I'm in no way shape or form advocating for incestuous or socially unacceptable 'family' type relationships, but geez, allow a little reality into the thought space please.

 

How about taking care of everyone involved instead of instantly wanting to bring out the big guns of fire and brimstone?

 

This thread reminded me of a recent interaction I observed between my step son and his cousin (my step niece). She's about the same age as the niece here, my step-son is 16. She is astonishingly beautiful, and he is of an age where he is certainly going to notice.

 

Should he be shipped off to internment 're-education' camp? Of course not.

Other loving family members can act far more appropriately and guide, nurture others through such phases. Pay particular attention to not allowing potentially compromising situations to develop and time will pass and so will the obsession.

[Poutrew]

Oh for gods sakes! Have we come to this? What a bunch of moralistic rubbish!

 

So he's developed an obsession ... so what? The very nature of these things is that it will pass ... assuming he's not a full blown pedo or something (which you would know already, no mistake).

 

The absolute truth here lies in whether he acts on his obsession - and surely he is not going to? But, cut the guy some slack and help him at least a bit to let time pass and the obsession to also pass - I agree with another poster who said "don't let them be alone", thats just common sense - he has an obsession and those who know can help him past this in a more reasonable way than thumping him over the head.

 

Why are we, as a western society always apparently resting our fingers on the hair trigger of severe punishment and/or divorce? Its like we're constantly looking for reasons to beat people into oblivion.

 

Women around the age of the niece here are often astoundingly beautiful and attractive, its the nature of evolution and theres very good reasons for this.

 

Over the course of countless generations however we've learned that there are often very undesirable outcomes to procreating with others who's blood is too close to our own; though this isn't the case here. We've perhaps understandably expanded to this encompass all 'close' family ... though exactly where that line is drawn is constantly up for debate - 2nd cousins ok? How about 3rd or 4th? What about step-siblings? Etc etc.

 

Now, I'm in no way shape or form advocating for incestuous or socially unacceptable 'family' type relationships, but geez, allow a little reality into the thought space please.

 

How about taking care of everyone involved instead of instantly wanting to bring out the big guns of fire and brimstone?

 

This thread reminded me of a recent interaction I observed between my step son and his cousin (my step niece). She's about the same age as the niece here, my step-son is 16. She is astonishingly beautiful, and he is of an age where he is certainly going to notice.

 

Should he be shipped off to internment 're-education' camp? Of course not.

Other loving family members can act far more appropriately and guide, nurture others through such phases. Pay particular attention to not allowing potentially compromising situations to develop and time will pass and so will the obsession.

 

I tend to agree. Reading this I am left with the impression that for the OP, this was just the last thing in a series of things - the straw that broke the camel's back as it were. She sounds like she has had enough of the SAHM life and she wants to get out there in the world and run her business and she doesn't want to have anything like her hubs around to reap the windfall of all the millions she's going to make being the next J.K. Rowling. Start with a clean slate, and no looking back. Truth be told, if I were her husband and she started divorce proceedings against me for such a minor thing as looking, I would feel extremely grateful. Even if she backed off on the D at some point, I'd prosecute it. I'd be happy to simply not have to be walking on eggshells anymore.

If a woman is beautiful, I am going to look, and I don't care who she is. How I act will depend on who she is, but I will never apologize for being a MAN.

[DreamP]

So he's developed an obsession ... so what? The very nature of these things is that it will pass ... assuming he's not a full blown pedo or something (which you would know already, no mistake).

 

What makes you think it will pass? In the US, 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse. So you think those pedophiles just "passed" that phase. Also, most rape offenders are married or in consenting relationships. So you think all those spouses "would know already."

 

Just because a women is good looking, does not give others the right to ogle her. Being a man does not give anybody the right to behave indecently. The act of ogling somebody is an indecent behavior, man or woman. I would hope that we are civilized being that can control our basest instincts. We do not go about grabbing attractive people say, "I couldn't control myself," or "I have the right to your body because you are attractive and I am a man with urges."

 

Having desires/finding somebody sexy is very different than behaving in the way the OP's husband has. Decent human beings should behave decently. If it is acceptable to act like a mindless beast who does not know what appropriate behavior is,then the person does not deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt.

[GorillaTheater]

If I found out my wife was rubbing one out to a picture of my nephew, I suspect that I'd look a little askance at that.

 

 

I'm not surprised to find people defending the husband in this case, although I wonder how they can do it with a straight face.

[TaraMaiden2]

I tend to agree. Reading this I am left with the impression that for the OP, this was just the last thing in a series of things - the straw that broke the camel's back as it were. She sounds like she has had enough of the SAHM life and she wants to get out there in the world and run her business and she doesn't want to have anything like her hubs around to reap the windfall of all the millions she's going to make being the next J.K. Rowling. Start with a clean slate, and no looking back. Truth be told, if I were her husband and she started divorce proceedings against me for such a minor thing as looking, I would feel extremely grateful. Even if she backed off on the D at some point, I'd prosecute it. I'd be happy to simply not have to be walking on eggshells anymore.

If a woman is beautiful, I am going to look, and I don't care who she is. How I act will depend on who she is, but I will never apologize for being a MAN.

 

Nobody's asking you to apologise for being a man.

 

That, you can't help.

Being impervious to logic is more questionable.

[jen1447]

If I found out my wife was rubbing one out to a picture of my nephew, I suspect that I'd look a little askance at that.

 

 

I'm not surprised to find people defending the husband in this case, although I wonder how they can do it with a straight face.

 

Yeah, I think there's some disconnect on Mumbles and Poutrew's part in terms of what's actually happened here. She knows he goes around with pictures of her niece on his phone, and she suspects he masturbated/masturbates to her picture in the bathroom. That's not just looking, and it's already a form of acting-on, especially considering he isn't just some random third party relative who's ogling her - he's OP's husband. Spouse of the aunt of the object of his desire.

[BetheButterfly]

Wow...what you just described is incest. Not appropriate sexual behaviour at all. He needs therapy.

 

True.

 

While he may not consider it incest, he married into your family OP, so he should treat your female family members as if they were his own family members. Marriage unites families into even bigger families.

 

It is wrong of him to lust after his niece.

 

If he does not repent (stop that and change), I think you have very good grounds to leave him. And, by all means protect your niece from him.

 

It's so sad all the cases of incest in the world where people act out perverse fantasies on family members. This happened to one of my friends who was sexually abused by her stepfather. Maybe he didn't think he was committing incest because he wasn't her biological Dad, but when he married her Mom, he became family to her. Also, she was underage, so he was also guilty of pedophilia.

[Tinkerdootoo]

Wow! Thank you! However, I wouldn't liken myself to JK Rowling. My writing is sub par as you all can very well tell. As for this being a hair trigger divorce, I disagree. As I should. We have been through much and we never gave up. This is my deal breaker. He overstepped boundaries. Mine and my family's. He can look at women and fantasize about them all he wants. There are no eggshells here. I am VERY open-minded. But when it involves my family, NO! Am I to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life? Avoid family functions? Avoid talking to or about my niece. What about my 16 year old niece? Do I need to keep him from her now as well? Do I have to wonder while we are being intimate if he's imagining my niece? He overstepped boundaries! He DID act on this by making it blatantly obvious he was masterbating to her photos. And let's say I do let this blow over and he does take take it to the next level. I shiver at the thought. I'm NOT going to live like that! I'm not going to put my nieces at risk!

[Poutrew]

This puts a different light on the situation. As I suspected, this is just the last straw in his behavior that you will put up with. No one, me included, is expecting you to put up with a completely dysfunctional relationship. Also, for what it's worth, J.K. Rowling pounded out Harry Potter sitting at her kitchen table after she got a divorce.... now she has more money than the Queen, so anything is possible

[privategal]

OP, trust your GUT.

Do not let strangers on the internet talk you out of what you feel is going on. Oitside looking in, I think you gotta do what needs to be done, MY gut, not that it matters, tells me you are correct.

Again your gut is screaming to you...listen.

[cc_zero]

Certainly you have your own boundaries and what is acceptable to you and what can't be tolerated.

 

Just a bit of devil's advocate here,.. but does your niece happen to look like you at all?

 

It might be that she looks a bit like a 20 year old version of you and might be quite hard to not "react" to.

[jasmineb]

Certainly you have your own boundaries and what is acceptable to you and what can't be tolerated.

 

Just a bit of devil's advocate here,.. but does your niece happen to look like you at all?

 

It might be that she looks a bit like a 20 year old version of you and might be quite hard to not "react" to.

 

I do not think anyone, including the OP, objects to her husband recognizing that this girl is attractive.

 

However, having all sorts of photos, including on in the bathroom that is likely used for....personal purposes, is just skeevy.

 

I try not to be judgemental, but i admit to being disturbed at the amount of people who seem to be defending this man.

[sandylee1]

Uh, no.

 

My niece is blood. My brother's daughter. She's essentially the same as my daughter.

 

I agree with this.

 

My nieces are like daughters to me. If anything ever happened to my sister and her husband.... my nieces would come and live with me. That's the same with my kids going to her.

 

No way can we have that arrangement if my husband was viewing my niece in that way.

 

This all depends on how close you are as a family and extended family. My older nieces would babysit kids when they were younger and still would spend the night if we went away for the weekend ....

How messed up is it for my kids to see or know that their dad sees their cousin in that way.

 

TBH ... my entire family parents and siblings would be furious if they knew my H had anything other than an uncle interest in my nieces.

 

That kind of ogling would not fly with me at all. Regardless of him acting on it any further.. as in the case of the OP ... my attraction and respect for my husband would be gone..... so remaining married would be pointless.

[loveweary11]

On this board I'm usually the contrarian, very defensive of people's sexual oddities, etc.

 

However, blood relation or not, one must draw the line at your family members.

 

He should be at the local college ogling strangers, if he needs to, not looking at his niece.

 

This is the real life version of the stereotypical "creepy uncle!"

[Mumbles]

What makes you think it will pass? In the US, 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse. So you think those pedophiles just "passed" that phase.

 

No, as I said, 'unless hes a pedo' and in this case, she's 20 so it doesn't even apply.

 

And honestly, you think that those close to pedophiles don't know? Talk about blinding yourself to not see the truth.

 

You guys surely can't be serious? Willing to crucify someone for having a good look, maybe some thoughts, hell even a wank if it comes to it, and not more, yet you are completely oblivious to other easily observed behaviour?

 

 

Just because a women is good looking, does not give others the right to ogle her.

 

My god!

 

What just happened? Did I transfer in space and time or something? Where am I?

 

Where on earth do you live? Is the above comment indicative of normal social behaviour wherever that is?

 

People cant look at each other? Ogle, different connotation, but you can't hope to control the real and actual world in this way. Men and women have been ogling each other forever, thats why we're here.

 

In the context of this thread, ogling and thinking sexual things inside the family is aberrant or deviant behaviour (although only at this particular point in time ... previously, and in other cultures, not necessarily so), but anyway, the acceptable answer to this is not gentle guidance from within the family unit? No, its pistols at dawn apparently.

 

 

Being a man does not give anybody the right to behave indecently.

 

Yes, true. Being a women doesn't confer that right either ... yet here we are having this very conversation.

 

 

The act of ogling somebody is an indecent behavior, man or woman.

 

Where?

 

Go to the beach sometime, have a look at the men _and_ women ogling each other. Seems to go on in nightclubs a fair bit too and a myriad other places.

 

 

I would hope that we are civilized being that can control our basest instincts.

 

Well, got news for you here, and you're not gonna like it

 

We are the screaming savages we've always been - but have a micron thick layer of something else over the top that barely keeps the beast at bay. We call this 'civilisation' but believe me, those who've seen it crack, even a tiny bit, know the leering lunacy that lives just below. It can reset your perspective.... suddenly spilled milk doesn't make one cry any more.

 

 

We do not go about grabbing attractive people say, "I couldn't control myself," or "I have the right to your body because you are attractive and I am a man with urges."

 

Ahh, yes, but don't confuse yourself here. You are now talking about acting upon/out. We'd be having a completely different conversation if the husband had actually had sex with the niece ...

 

 

Having desires/finding somebody sexy is very different than behaving in the way the OP's husband has. Decent human beings should behave decently. If it is acceptable to act like a mindless beast who does not know what appropriate behavior is,then the person does not deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt.

 

"re-education" camp it is then.

 

oh and lets not forget a detachment of Saudi like 'religious police' or the equivalent - after all, need someone to uphold decent moral and societal values - families themselves can't be trusted ... or so it appears.

[Tinkerdootoo]

""In the context of this thread, ogling and thinking sexual things inside the family is aberrant or deviant behaviour (although only at this particular point in time ... previously, and in other cultures, not necessarily so), but anyway, the acceptable answer to this is not gentle guidance from within the family unit? No, its pistols at dawn apparently.""

 

 

So let us say pistols have been temporarily placed back in their holsters.

 

What sort of "gentle guidance" are you suggesting? A discussion? We had one a while back to where he acted like a child and stormed off. I was not confrontational. I was simply trying to "gently guide" him from such actions. Do I bring in the family for meeting of the minds. Not going to happen. He'd have to pick his seconds before the morning. Or perhaps therapy? You seem to have narrowed in on what is unimportant here. This isn't about a man simply "wanking" to a celebrity or a woman he saw while working. The man has disrespected me and my family all to satisfy a gross fetish.

 

My pistols are back out.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Tinkerdootoo

[jasmineb]

You are exactly correct, OP. I do not know a single mainstream and healthy person who would approve of a man masturbating to and fantasizing about her young niece. The only people who would relate to this type of behavior are social outliers.

[Dolfin80]

You are exactly correct, OP. I do not know a single mainstream and healthy person who would approve of a man masturbating to and fantasizing about her young niece. The only people who would relate to this type of behavior are social outliers.

 

Id suspect even further and put this guy in a paedaphillia category.

[Poutrew]

Id suspect even further and put this guy in a paedaphillia category.

 

At this point I am officially out of this convo. We are now at the point where we need to invoke the police, or give the guys name to the Roving Vigilante Death Squads...

[xxoo]

 

This is the real life version of the stereotypical "creepy uncle!"

 

Sadly, it's a stereotype for a reason, and it's creepy as all heck.

 

For men who feel it's normal, does pride never get in the way? Isn't it an ego-blow to be acting like a stereotypical creep?

[major_merrick]

People sure seem willing to leave their partners for anything these days... Men look at anything and everything. They take advantage of opportunities. Photos on a phone is an opportunity, it isn't as if he sought it out. Frankly, the whole reason it is your niece and not a random stranger is because it's easy and a taboo. It seems more like a frustrated lazy bum thing than a creeper thing.

 

If he hasn't done anything physical, thoughts are just thoughts. The girl, as mentioned, is 20. Not a minor, not a teenager, and not a blood relative. By all accounts, an attractive young woman. Certainly using her photos as fap material is inappropriate and extremely disrespectful. Is disrespect itself an issue to divorce over? I don't believe so, but your view may differ.