I think my husband is obsessed with my niece.

[xxoo]

It seems more like a frustrated lazy bum thing than a creeper thing

 

Certainly using her photos as fap material is inappropriate and extremely disrespectful. Is disrespect itself an issue to divorce over? I don't believe so, but your view may differ.

 

Either one of those would be enough reason to divorce. Who wants to be a married to a frustrated lazy bum? Who wants to be married to someone disrespectful?

 

Is it really so demanding to want to be married to a decent person?

[major_merrick]

Is it really so demanding to want to be married to a decent person?

 

No, it isn't. But is it really so demanding to expect people to make a good faith effort at keeping their promises? When you get married, it is a promise. A promise to work things through, to take it seriously. I know lots of people believe differently, but I see infidelity, criminal behavior, and abuse as good reasons to get divorced. "I don't feel in love anymore", "you're lazy", and "I find you creepy these days" aren't good reasons for divorce, they are signs that help is needed.

 

Counseling helps a lot of problems. If the OP's relationship needs something, I think a caring marriage counselor would be a great help, and I hope for the OP's sake that she can convince her husband to attend. She says that they've had a rough time and overcome some troubles. Maybe this could be another hurdle that gets overcome? Perhaps there is a root cause for the husband's behavior?

 

To the OP - have hope! There's steps you can still take before calling it quits.

[sandylee1]

I'm just floored by those who think this behavior is acceptable. People are too accommodating of wrong and indecent behaviour these days.

 

With this urge to look.. no doubt my brothers and sisters will notice ... and the other nieces and nephews. As a teenager.. I remember having those leery uncle types..... who would look at us in a leery creepy way. My sisters and I would work out how to dodge them if visited.

 

In my cases those nieces were little flower girls in our wedding.... so if my H .... seeing them grow up over the years .. didn't have the good sense to see them as anything other than kids of the family..... and went as far as retaining pics and jerking off...I'd be thoroughly disgusted and repulsed quite frankly.

 

I'm just wondering if those who think it's ok ... would still think it was ok if their brother in law was doing such a thing towards their daughter. As in your daughter being the niece.

[Dolfin80]

At this point I am officially out of this convo. We are now at the point where we need to invoke the police, or give the guys name to the Roving Vigilante Death Squads...

 

Yes, I'd call the police and tell them get them to take his HD, there could be illegal pornography on there.

 

I had a gf wake up in the middle of the night to her partner masterbating over children on the Internet. She called the police and they took his HD. We both packed up her 4 children and fled as she did not want her children molested by their father. They never saw him again.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Dolfin80

[Dolfin80]

I'm just floored by those who think this behavior is acceptable. People are too accommodating of wrong and indecent behaviour these days.

 

With this urge to look.. no doubt my brothers and sisters will notice ... and the other nieces and nephews. As a teenager.. I remember having those leery uncle types..... who would look at us in a leery creepy way. My sisters and I would work out how to dodge them if visited.

 

In my cases those nieces were little flower girls in our wedding.... so if my H .... seeing them grow up over the years .. didn't have the good sense to see them as anything other than kids of the family..... and went as far as retaining pics and jerking off...I'd be thoroughly disgusted and repulsed quite frankly.

 

I'm just wondering if those who think it's ok ... would still think it was ok if their brother in law was doing such a thing towards their daughter. As in your daughter being the niece.

 

I'm sure the men on this thread would not be accepting of their 40 year old male friend/brother masterbating over their 20 year old daughter.

 

They just haven't experienced this yet, that's why they are not repulsed by it.

[loveweary11]

Never call the police. For anything. Very bad advice.

[Mumbles]

So let us say pistols have been temporarily placed back in their holsters.

 

 

Thank you - some sanity in amongst the rising hysteria.

 

 

What sort of "gentle guidance" are you suggesting? A discussion? We had one a while back to where he acted like a child and stormed off. I was not confrontational. I was simply trying to "gently guide" him from such actions.

 

Excellent!

 

Let me say first, before I get into the meat of it, that I don't view this situation as a c'est la vie type deal. It -is- something that needs to end in modified behavior and not everyone turning a blind eye or shrugging their shoulders.

 

Whilst there might be a greater philosophical discussion about social norms and our place in time, the fact is that we live in the now and I've not ever said that this sort of deviant behaviour is ultimately acceptable at this time in the broader westernized societies many of us live in.

 

Start with the talk, as you have, bravo. Its pretty confronting stuff, for both you and for him. Thus, you received the response you did. He quite possibly wasn't even aware that we was being so overt - being 'busted' and outed like this confronted him and he went immediately to fight or flee mode.

 

This shouldn't really be unexpected.

 

But surely after an hour or so, the impact of what he has been perceived to be doing (or is doing!) has sunk in?

 

Now, I wouldn't expect this realization to necessarily immediately dissipate the obsession, though I -would- expect immediate modification of public behaviour.

 

 

Do I bring in the family for meeting of the minds. Not going to happen. He'd have to pick his seconds before the morning.

 

Sure, no, not this, unless other family members had already brought their concerns to your attention - even then, something more subtle I suspect will work better, otherwise yes, for sure, lines will be drawn and the firefight will begin.

 

Or perhaps therapy? You seem to have narrowed in on what is unimportant here. This isn't about a man simply "wanking" to a celebrity or a woman he saw while working. The man has disrespected me and my family all to satisfy a gross fetish.

 

Well ... is it now a fetish or an singular occurrence of an obsession?

 

You've lived with the guy a long time - as I've said previously, those living with people who have disturbing or socially unacceptable fetishes know it - they may try hard to blank it from their minds, but they -know-

 

Is this the case here? Really? If the husband has a track record of 'obsessing' over younger or even truly young girls, well, ok, we should be having a modified conversation I think.

 

But, unless I've made a big error in interpretation of this thread so far, this is a one-off? Right or wrong?

 

You've had the chat - This should be enough to modify the thinking brain, what is needed now is time for the obsession to naturally quell, which it will, if thats all it is, and during this time you look after both affected parties.

 

Don't allow compromising situations to arise, it won't be hard, not really, and husband already knows that he's on notice, so, if he errs insofar as discretionary 'alone time' with the niece or other similar normally innocuous behaviour a needle or calm redirection should set him straight.

 

My pistols are back out.

 

Fine, thats your prerogative. I would certainly be paying attention at this time and doing whatever can reasonably be done. A reasonable and thinking man (or woman) will modify his behaviour at this point if given the chance, but of course, one needs to be vigilant - bad things -can- happen, and no-one wants that.

 

I'll freely admit, as I participate in this discussion I am thinking of my son in law and niece in law, different age groups, modified responses required and different expectations to begin with - but my overriding theme is about looking after -everyone- in the family and getting through what can be a difficult time.

 

Sometimes life is messy and even ugly, but we can only try.

 

At this point, after having had 'the talk' with husband, if there is no perceptible modification in behaviour I'd be a bit worried, actually a lot worried - is this the case?

[stillafool]

I tend to agree. Reading this I am left with the impression that for the OP, this was just the last thing in a series of things - the straw that broke the camel's back as it were. She sounds like she has had enough of the SAHM life and she wants to get out there in the world and run her business and she doesn't want to have anything like her hubs around to reap the windfall of all the millions she's going to make being the next J.K. Rowling. Start with a clean slate, and no looking back. Truth be told, if I were her husband and she started divorce proceedings against me for such a minor thing as looking, I would feel extremely grateful. Even if she backed off on the D at some point, I'd prosecute it. I'd be happy to simply not have to be walking on eggshells anymore.

If a woman is beautiful, I am going to look, and I don't care who she is. How I act will depend on who she is, but I will never apologize for being a MAN.

 

So you would have no problem if your wife was obsessing over the hot, young, hard body 18 year old stud that lives next door, or your sister's hot young son? Because believe it or not older women are going to look at him also, it's not just a MAN thing.

[jasmineb]

Bottom line, the man didn't choose Cindy Crawford or the hot neighbor. He chose a RELATIVE young enough to be his daughter to be the impetus for his ejaculation.

 

Anyone who does not get at least an "ick" in their belly over this....I just don't know what to say. Apparently this husband is not alone in his creepiness.

 

I am just aghast that this is "fine." I am trying to imagine how I would feel if my 19 year old daughter's brother in law kept her senior portrait in the bathroom so he could squeeze one out before work.

 

I don't want to imagine it.

[jasmineb]

That should have been 19 year old daughter's uncle.

[jen1447]

Any pedophilia comparisons are off the mark and inappropriate imo ....this guy is clearly fantasizing about an adult, not a child. She's 20, so she could have been sexually active for 5 years or more already for all we know, and OP said nothing (at least that I recall reading) about her hubs leering at the girl when she was a child or any other children for that matter. So this is a sexuality-towards-relatives issue, not a sexuality-toward-minors issue.

 

The impact this has on OP's marriage is obviously for her to determine, but what causes me most to doubt it can be overcome is that it's sth that can never really be put out of mind once it's been discovered. Even if he reformed or whatever, she'd forever be wondering about him and feeling like she has to watch him and guard her niece and prevent other random opportunities from arising. (At least I would.) That's no way to live, particularly as regards to the very person who's supposed to be holding you up in life just as much as you hold them up.

[BettyDraper]

If I ever noticed my husband lusting after my nieces, I wouldn't be able to stay married to him because that's disgusting.

 

Hubby may not be blood related to my nieces but they are still his family by marriage. So gross!

[amaysngrace]

Let your BIL, the niece's father, know your hubby has pics of his baby-girl in his spank bank and let him take it from there.

[Dolfin80]

Any pedophilia comparisons are off the mark and inappropriate imo ....this guy is clearly fantasizing about an adult, not a child. She's 20, so she could have been sexually active for 5 years or more already for all we know, and OP said nothing (at least that I recall reading) about her hubs leering at the girl when she was a child or any other children for that matter. So this is a sexuality-towards-relatives issue, not a sexuality-toward-minors issue.

 

The impact this has on OP's marriage is obviously for her to determine, but what causes me most to doubt it can be overcome is that it's sth that can never really be put out of mind once it's been discovered. Even if he reformed or whatever, she'd forever be wondering about him and feeling like she has to watch him and guard her niece and prevent other random opportunities from arising. (At least I would.) That's no way to live, particularly as regards to the very person who's supposed to be holding you up in life just as much as you hold them up.

 

He was caught masterbating over her school photo, read the OPs story on the first page. She wasn't 20 then, she was a child in school. This is unacceptable.

 

A man should not be masterbating over a school girl, that's sick.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Dolfin80

[jen1447]

He was caught masterbating over her school photo, read the OPs story on the first page. She wasn't 20 then, she was a child in school. This is unacceptable.

 

A man should not be masterbating over a school girl, that's sick.

 

Ok, but do we know how old she was in her old school photo? 18 ....17? OP didn't mention anything about it being scurvy that way, she only objected to it being her niece. And I wouldn't exactly call 17 or 18 a child, even if it is a little tasteless for a grown man.

 

Point is she's got grounds enough to have serious issues just based on the inter-family stuff, no need to make it into sth it isn't.

[Dolfin80]

Ok, but do we know how old she was in her old school photo? 18 ....17? OP didn't mention anything about it being scurvy that way, she only objected to it being her niece. And I wouldn't exactly call 17 or 18 a child, even if it is a little tasteless for a grown man.

 

Point is she's got grounds enough to have serious issues just based on the inter-family stuff, no need to make it into sth it isn't.

 

How old are school children in her country, where I live the oldest school child is 16 - so that defin pushes it into paedaphillia

[TaraMaiden2]

How old are school children in her country, where I live the oldest school child is 16 - so that defin pushes it into paedaphillia

 

No, it doesn't.

 

Pedophilia or paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children, generally age 11 years or younger.

 

Read up.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Playing devil's advocate here: You could argue that any public aspect of this is the husband inadvertently "getting caught" doing stuff that's meant to be private, and which he may feel shame about. So far, all we have evidence of is that he's drooled/stared and probably masturbated...which I guess is his way of dealing with this forbidden attraction.

It's creepy. He is USING this young family member as a sexual fetish. I have no doubt that it's affecting her. Do you really think that her uncle staring at her ass as if in a trance wouldn't?

 

Wether it's meant to be private or not isn't the issue, it's the fact that he's DOING IT. Her youth and beauty should not be the fodder for her uncle's jerking off. That's a boundary that's up to HIM and him alone to respect.

 

Getting caught is the least of it. He doesn't seem to mind, in any case.

[sandylee1]

If I ever noticed my husband lusting after my nieces, I wouldn't be able to stay married to him because that's disgusting.

 

Hubby may not be blood related to my nieces but they are still his family by marriage. So gross!

 

My sentiments exactly. I couldn't stay married to him out of sheer disgust and repulsion.....his obsession with my niece translates into his touch making me cringe. I'd just see him as a perv TBH.

[Tinkerdootoo]

Any pedophilia comparisons are off the mark and inappropriate imo ....this guy is clearly fantasizing about an adult, not a child. She's 20, so she could have been sexually active for 5 years or more already for all we know, and OP said nothing (at least that I recall reading) about her hubs leering at the girl when she was a child or any other children for that matter. So this is a sexuality-towards-relatives issue, not a sexuality-toward-minors issue.

 

The impact this has on OP's marriage is obviously for her to determine, but what causes me most to doubt it can be overcome is that it's sth that can never really be put out of mind once it's been discovered. Even if he reformed or whatever, she'd forever be wondering about him and feeling like she has to watch him and guard her niece and prevent other random opportunities from arising. (At least I would.) That's no way to live, particularly as regards to the very person who's supposed to be holding you up in life just as much as you hold them up.

 

Yes! All of this. And as much as it turns my stomach into knots, he is not a pedophile. It was her senior picture. She was 18. I think he just grabbed what was readily available. Not that I condone his behavior.

[Clockwork]

I'd imagine what the OP is describing is very common but most men are sensible enough to keep quiet.

 

True.

 

 

I am not sure that is exactly true, IME women all notice "hot" men in the same way men notice "hot" women, only women tend to be a lot more discreet and less obvious in general. I also think women tend to think of their partner's feelings and keep these things to themselves, so as not to rock boats and make him feel insecure, jealous or hurt.

It is also just more socially acceptable for men, even attached men to show their sexual interest in other women openly and it is deemed just normal "guy" behaviour.

For some it is an entitlement that they revel in, and they do not care who they hurt in the process.

 

The OP's husband is being a jerk in more ways than one.

The obsession with the niece is just a symptom of a far greater malady.

 

I am not interested in what is socially acceptable, I would say the same thing for a woman. If there was a "hot nephew" that was 20 years old that I had and my wife developed some sort of attraction to him I wouldn't want to hear it either. If nothing happens (ie. no one ever makes a pass at the other and it is never brought up to the spouse) then it is a moot point. But that was my point, the husband should have kept it to himself and not made it so obvious. From what I understand this niece of hers is someone she has seen grow up while he hasn't by the sounds of it. If he was around when she was a newborn it would be a little weirder to see her as anything but your niece, even if it is by marriage. But if he came around later in the scene it is at least understandable. That being said, your wife's 20 year old niece is not something you should ever let on whom you find attractive.

[lucy_in_disguise]

If it was a random 20 year old whose pics I found on my husbands phone Id be grossed out and a little disappointed, but i would not consider that grounds for divorce.

 

 

But his niece is someome he knew as a child of your family. Im not saying hes he only man who doesnt understand the difference (as this thread apparently illustrates) but thats fcking disgusting.

 

I do not buy for one second that this attraction is "natural". Where do you draw the line? What if this was his stepdaughrer vs. neice? To put a different spin on the scenario for all the posters who think he is just doing what comes naturally... what if your wife remarried a guy who expressed obsession this way for your daughter once she hit 18? Is that to be expected as well, or would you want higher expectations for someone who is around your kid?

 

A good man would feel protective of the younger generation in his family... not hide away schoolgirl pics to jerk off to. Its really not too much to ask for that your husbands feelings for your barely legal family members be familial vs sexual.

Edited April 4, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[sandylee1]

If it was a random 20 year old whose pics I found on my husbands phone Id be grossed out and a little disappointed, but i would not consider that grounds for divorce.

 

 

But his niece is someome he knew as a child of your family. Im not saying hes he only man who doesnt understand the difference (as this thread apparently illustrates) but thats fcking disgusting.

 

I do not buy for one second that this attraction is "natural". Where do you draw the line? What if this was his stepdaughrer vs. neice? To put a different spin on the scenario for all the posters who think he is just doing what comes naturally... what if your wife remarried a guy who expressed obsession this way for your daughter once she hit 18? Is that to be expected as well, or would you want higher expectations for someone who is around your kid?

 

A good man would feel protective of the younger generation in his family... not hide away schoolgirl pics to jerk off to. Its really not too much to ask for that your husbands feelings for your barely legal family members be familial vs sexual.

 

Yes to this ^^^^^

 

A random 20 ... that I didn't know would not be as big an issue.

 

It's a case of knowing who and who not to lust after. The age would not actually be the ONLY issue for me though.

 

By that I mean if my H had pictures of my 35 year old sister on his phone and jerked off to her photo .... I would also be repulsed as /disgusted ... due to the fact that she's MY sister and just shouldn't have such thoughts about my family members. PERIOD.

[Walters]

Uh, no.

 

My niece is blood. My brother's daughter. She's essentially the same as my daughter.

 

Sorry there is a typo there. Should read "your niece is not his blood".

[Phoenician]

I will not say it is normal ,

 

I will not defend him ;

 

from my side I don't like any young lady anymore ; because when I look at them I feel as if I am looking at my own daughter .

 

I will consider his behavior as abnormal of course ; however this is a sickness ; and when people close to us get sick , what do we do ?

 

we dump them ?

 

he is secretly fantasizing about her ; has he ever tried to approach her ?

 

and who can assure that his sickness is not triggered by sex deprivation ?

 

 

I am mature now as I have been suffering from sex deprivation for years ;

 

I made my self satisfied with toys and porn and fantasizing ;

 

was that healthy ?

 

no .

 

but being a normal person , I was able to overcome it .

 

 

All what I want to say is that we are hearing only a part of the story .

 

OP , is he he deprived sexually ?