Is this what happens in every LDR? ::Urgent::

[Prixoxo]

Hi everyone.

 

I am actually feeling silly posting this. Please don't judge me. Maybe most of you would think I am a nagging girlfriend. But here goes.

 

Me and my guy have been in an LDR for almost one year now. He visits once in every 4 months for 2 weeks or so and we meet up just one day out of these 2 weeks. So you can say that I have met my bf for just 5-6 times? Anyway we talk on phone everyday for 10 minutes. And that's all the conversation we have. I do love him but I always feel I am making too much an effort. Like I know if I don't call him one day or so , he won't call me back as well. And when he does visit and if I don't ask him to meet me he won't. Last time he visited which was back in December I had to keep on asking him to meet me at least one more day but he won't listen. Anyways, long story short I can never get him to take the initiative for once. Sometimes maybe I think that this is what I would get considering I never got someone to do something to do something nice for me not even my ex. May be that's what all guys are and I have wrong expectations even my guy agrees.

 

So anyway, he is coming back to the state for 2 months now this week. I was talking to him and I asked if he would meet me the day after he arrives? He said no. I asked him if he would meet after that day? Considering its a weekend. And again he said no without thinking about it. And this got too much for me because all the times o have kept it low about not being able to meet. But now I just feel that I am running after nothing. So I asked why can't he for once give me one exact day when he would meet and all he said was , " You still don't know me, I can never plan without being fully sure if I am free". So I told him if he does plan to meet me on x day he should make sure it's free like I would make sure I'm available for him since I actually missed him. He got pissed because I got upset about his vagueness. He even went to an extreme saying he can't meet me like this. He has "priorities" and that I was putting pressure on him to meet me.

 

Maybe I am? I am not sure. But I thought he would have been looking forward to meet me as much as I was since it has been 4 months since we met. But nothing he just got mad and said something's which has got me thinking that I should just give up making such an effort and maybe I am making too big of a deal? I don't know what's wrong with me I try my best not to pressurise him, I don't complain if somedays we don't talk. I don't complain that we don't skype. But maybe this is my fault?

 

I am at work right now and I just can't concentrate. I am trying my best not to cry because of what he said about priorities. It actually hurt me. Can anyone please tell me how do I make this ok? What exactly is happening.

 

I can't even talk to my best friend about this, she hates him. She doesn't want me to be with him. So I would love to get some help.

 

Thank you

Edited March 28, 2016 by Prixoxo

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like a normal relationship, even by long distance standards.

 

He is making you feel bad for wanting to see him when he comes to town, which is strange. With such long gaps between seeing each other it is understandable that you want to make plans to see him. If he really cared, he would want the same thing, right? That alone suggests that he isn't as emotionally invested as you.

 

It is time to start protecting your emotions now before you get even more hurt. If this relationship isn't fulfilling your needs then you need to be honest with yourself and move on.

 

You deserve to be happy and be treated with love and respect.

[Prixoxo]

I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like a normal relationship, even by long distance standards.

 

He is making you feel bad for wanting to see him when he comes to town, which is strange. With such long gaps between seeing each other it is understandable that you want to make plans to see him. If he really cared, he would want the same thing, right? That alone suggests that he isn't as emotionally invested as you.

 

It is time to start protecting your emotions now before you get even more hurt. If this relationship isn't fulfilling your needs then you need to be honest with yourself and move on.

 

You deserve to be happy and be treated with love and respect.

 

That's exactly what I told him that if he wanted to actually meet me he would. He wouldn't be this vague. He says that he never said he won't meet me at all and he is here for 2 months. Is it just me making a big of a deal like he says? I actuly couldn't hear any excitement in his voice as I was. Am I just over reacting? I can't believe we had am argument about this.

[hippychick3]

This doesn't sound like a relationship at all. He's not your boyfriend, and he's not even much of a friend.

 

If he cared about you and wanted a relationship, he would make an effort to see you without you asking him to. He would be calling you and making PLANS in advance to see you. Since he is not doing this, I would consider myself 100% single and move on.

 

Find a guy who lives close by and actually wants to spend time with you. Stop chasing this one.

[ExpatInItaly]

When and how did you two decide to become a couple? He doesn't sound like he's your boyfriend at all.

 

Are you sure he is 100% single?

[Mrin]

No, this is not normal for a LDR because it is missing the "R" - relationship. Unless he's booked in back to back to back surgeries saving dying orphans and healing the environment, then he has zero excuse to act like this. In fact, if this was a real relationship then the very first thing he should do when he lands is to come see you. How would that make you feel? Ya, that's what an LDR boyfriend would feel like. This.... this isn't that.

 

Best of luck OP!

[Gosh]

Run away and run fast! 2 weeks and you only meet one day? Now he's coming for 2 months and didn't even now if he's gonna see you?! And on top of everything, he makes you feel bad about it???

****Manipulative person ****** RUN. He could also be married too.

 

Call your friend that doesn't like him, she/he will support you in dumping him.

 

Take care!

[Prixoxo]

Thank you for all your replies.

 

To answer to the first question about how we met?

He and I we both were working on the same office when he was in state. Then he left for another state and it turned into long distance after 2 months of us dating.

 

About the meeting part, yes that's what I don't understand. He says he loves me then why is it so hard to make a plan to meet up. I really don't understand what exactly am I pressurising him to do? Asking him to meet me when he doesn't want to? Is that the case?

 

I am not sure sometimes I do feel I am trying more than I am getting. My bf says I have a lot of expectations which is why I feel that but i don't understand. Just asking to meet up doesn't make me high maintenance does it? :/

[Prixoxo]

I don't want to break things off. I love him and we have been together for an year. Then it will be all for nothing.

[kidm]

I don't want to break things off. I love him and we have been together for an year. Then it will be all for nothing.

 

All for nothing? Sounds to me you are losing more by staying in this non-existent "relationship." A noncommittal boyfriend with lukewarm feelings, at best, for you. Actions speak louder than words. If I was in love with my gf and finally got the opportunity to be in the same state as her for 2 months, I would be OVERJOYED and plan to see her as soon as I get into town. She wouldn't even have to ask! You're not a priority. He'll eventually get to you if/when he feels like it. Cut your losses now and move on. One year is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, especially in a LDR.

[Mrin]

This is what is known as the sunk cost fallacy. Look it up. That somehow giving up invalidates everything you've invested and that somehow pouring more effort into a doomed thing will make your previous efforts not in vain. One more second of attention to this guy is a second wasted.

 

Or to put it another way: insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

Best of luck OP!

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't want to break things off. I love him and we have been together for an year. Then it will be all for nothing.

 

The thing is...he doesn't love you.

 

Sorry, but it's the truth. A man in love will want to see you. Have you not had a relationship before? Because this isn't what dating looks like. You won't really be losing anything.

[TaraMaiden2]

If you are, as you believe you are, his GF, I believe his every thought when coming to your state would be to create the first available opportunity to see you.

But he maintains he can't make impromptu plans...

 

" You still don't know me, I can never plan without being fully sure if I am free".

 

He has 'priorities'....?

 

YOU should be his main PRIORITY!!

 

If you are, as you believe you are, someone important in his life, he would treat you like a Princess, not a possible option.

He's using you.

Tell me, when you meet up with him, do you have sex?

 

Because if you do, I suspect you are useful for that, and that's all he wants from you.

If you don't, he very probably (not to say absolutely certainly) gets it elsewhere - and as often as he wants - because you are simply an entertaining distraction.

 

Really, there's nothing here for you. Nothing at all.

 

Please take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns.

In the first one, write all the disadvantages of being his GF, and what it's doing to you emotionally.

 

In the second column, write all of the advantages of being his GF, and what he's doing for you emotionally.

 

I predict the second column will be completely empty.

 

There's your answer.

 

You have lost nothing if you leave this relationship, because you gained nothing from it.

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't want to break things off. I love him and we have been together for an year. Then it will be all for nothing.

 

You don't love him. You are desperate to feel the feeling of love, and you believe the more you input, the more will hopefully, one day, come out.

This isn't love.

It's desperation.

You really need to cut your losses, and totally 'ghost' him.

Seriously, you're being a doormat. He's walking all over you and crushing you by his total indifference and utter callousness.

 

My favourite saying of the moment is

"He who cares the least, controls the most."

 

He couldn't care less if he tried.

And it seems he's in control of your common sense.

 

Look up 'Ghosting'. And do it to him, because whether you like it or not - this is not the relationship you're looking for.

Or deserve.

 

And let me tell you now: Ghosting is apparently frowned upon, because it leaves the ghosted person out on a limb, confused and hurt.

 

Let me assure you:

In this case? I doubt he would even notice.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

That's exactly what I told him that if he wanted to actually meet me he would. He wouldn't be this vague. He says that he never said he won't meet me at all and he is here for 2 months. Is it just me making a big of a deal like he says? I actuly couldn't hear any excitement in his voice as I was. Am I just over reacting? I can't believe we had am argument about this.

 

No, you are not making a big deal out of nothing. You should start trusting your instincts more. He doesn't appreciate you like he should.

 

You should have high standards when dating someone. If he can't even give you the bare minimum effort then he doesn't deserve to be your boyfriend.

 

You may love him but that doesn't give him a free pass to treat you poorly.

[LydiaLong]

Face it. He's just not that into you.

[AnyTakers]

Hi everyone.

 

I am actually feeling silly posting this. Please don't judge me. Maybe most of you would think I am a nagging girlfriend. But here goes.

 

Me and my guy have been in an LDR for almost one year now. He visits once in every 4 months for 2 weeks or so and we meet up just one day out of these 2 weeks. So you can say that I have met my bf for just 5-6 times? Anyway we talk on phone everyday for 10 minutes. And that's all the conversation we have. I do love him but I always feel I am making too much an effort. Like I know if I don't call him one day or so , he won't call me back as well. And when he does visit and if I don't ask him to meet me he won't. Last time he visited which was back in December I had to keep on asking him to meet me at least one more day but he won't listen. Anyways, long story short I can never get him to take the initiative for once. Sometimes maybe I think that this is what I would get considering I never got someone to do something to do something nice for me not even my ex. May be that's what all guys are and I have wrong expectations even my guy agrees.

 

So anyway, he is coming back to the state for 2 months now this week. I was talking to him and I asked if he would meet me the day after he arrives? He said no. I asked him if he would meet after that day? Considering its a weekend. And again he said no without thinking about it. And this got too much for me because all the times o have kept it low about not being able to meet. But now I just feel that I am running after nothing. So I asked why can't he for once give me one exact day when he would meet and all he said was , " You still don't know me, I can never plan without being fully sure if I am free". So I told him if he does plan to meet me on x day he should make sure it's free like I would make sure I'm available for him since I actually missed him. He got pissed because I got upset about his vagueness. He even went to an extreme saying he can't meet me like this. He has "priorities" and that I was putting pressure on him to meet me.

 

Maybe I am? I am not sure. But I thought he would have been looking forward to meet me as much as I was since it has been 4 months since we met. But nothing he just got mad and said something's which has got me thinking that I should just give up making such an effort and maybe I am making too big of a deal? I don't know what's wrong with me I try my best not to pressurise him, I don't complain if somedays we don't talk. I don't complain that we don't skype. But maybe this is my fault?

 

I am at work right now and I just can't concentrate. I am trying my best not to cry because of what he said about priorities. It actually hurt me. Can anyone please tell me how do I make this ok? What exactly is happening.

 

I can't even talk to my best friend about this, she hates him. She doesn't want me to be with him. So I would love to get some help.

 

Thank you

 

He has priorities?? I would hope you would be high on the priority list. It doesn't appear that way from what you have posted.

[Zahara]

I don't want to break things off. I love him and we have been together for an year. Then it will be all for nothing.

 

Unfortunately, even if you stay with him, it will all be for nothing.

 

He is not invested in you. Just because you love someone, it doesn't justify staying in "relationship" that is one sided.

 

Besides, you've been with him for a year -- and you've only met 5-6 times. That's not really an investment worth saving in the grand scheme of things.

[Gosh]

I don't want to break things off....Then it will be all for nothing.

 

When i was in an abusive relationship this is what kept me still in it. i didn't want to "lose" all those years. Once i started to realize that my partner was a manipulator, i could not accept that i was so naive to fall for him for so many years. So a huge part of me was desperate to hold on to the lie i was living in. I was in denial as if that would make the fairy tale i believed in true.

 

The truth was i didn't want to feel stupid. I didn't want to feel defeated. I couldn't accept i was so naive for falling and staying with a man that treated me like a doormat for many years. Once i admitted that to myself, i started accepting that i did get into a relationship with a sociopath and it is ok. That did not mean i had to stay in one.

 

Do not let the past define who you are now.

[Els]

I don't want to break things off. I love him and we have been together for an year. Then it will be all for nothing.

 

Better to cut your losses now than in 5 years' time.

 

Honestly, your relationship doesn't sound like a relationship at all to me. He visits your area for 2 weeks but only sees you for 1 day??? And then only if you ask him to!?!? That's crazy. Why have you put up with this for a whole year??? There are people who treat their FWBs with more consideration and effort.

 

Anyway, to answer your Q, no this doesn't happen in every LDR and in fact not even in most of them. When my SO and I were in a LDR, we spent about 90% of the time during visits together (barring work/school hours if needed, but the visits usually fell on holidays). The only time we spent less than that was during a 3-month visit, in which case it was healthy to spend some time apart as in-town couples do. But even then it was more than 1/14 together.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Elswyth

[oldshirt]

I don't want to break things off. I love him and we have been together for an year. Then it will be all for nothing.

 

Look up the term, "sunken cost fallacy."

 

 

It's a real thing. It's where people keep putting good time, energy and money into something that is failing because they have already invested into it and think that if they cut losses it would all be for nothing. and they also think that if they just keep putting in time, energy and money it will eventually payoff.

 

 

But it's a fallacy. If something is failing, it is failing and anything else put into it will also be lost.

 

 

The thing that is worse than spending time and energy in a bad relationship for a year is spending time and energy in a bad relationship for a year and a day.