Newly Separated, husband wont work it out kids are suffering

[fortysomething]

I'm hoping to get some advice here as I am a very difficult crisis situation here. My husband moved out a month ago after 14 years of marriage. We have 2 daughters, ages 6 and 11 (K and 5th grade). Sorry for the lengthy post.

 

Here is my story:

 

Husband moved out a month ago. Last July he said he wanted to move out bc he was sick of my **** and needed space. He said once he was away from me he would thrive. He said I was controlling and was sick of my mood swings. He also said that I took advantage of him and felt I never loved him. I love him dearly and always have - a couple years ago we started having issues and drifted apart. I know now why - we have both kept things inside that needed to be addressed and it all came to a head at the same time.

 

Some of the ongoing problems we had were my husbands sexual problems (he has trouble lasting long and it was like that from day 1) It was very difficult for me and I have never been sexually fulfilled but I loved him deeply and would never leave him for it. I always was caring and supportive. He tried to get help, but never really tried hard - he avoided it more than anything. He would say to me all the time - I know some day you will cheat on me and I don't blame you for it - of course I always said I never would ever! And never did. Another ongoing problem was his depression, esp in the winter. We live in the midwest and he is from Colorado where it is sunny. He is very attached to nature and weather, almost in a unhealthy way. I always said we could move but he never took initiative to get a job there and do it. But I supported it I was so sick of his complaints and putting down where we lived and our home.

 

He is a server and a giver - so he puts his own needs last in order to make me and our girls happy. He is a very calm, simple guy- always seemed happy. Every few months he would lose his temper and it was pretty scary. No physical abuse though just yelling swearing angry. I had no idea that all these years he was that unhappy and unfullfiled that he would blow up like this and blame me for everything that is wrong in his life. Its all me.

 

I always had a high stress job and was the breadwinner and provided all the benefits. The plan was for him to build his business (financial planner) and once he was established financially I would quit my job - be home with the kids and take care of the house and work part time. 7 years later he still isnt where he was supposed to be financially. It got stressful bc I couldnt handle the demands of my career and be a good mom at the same time. Esp since he would travel for a week at a time every couple months - of course back to colorado.

 

He hit forty and I believe is in a mid life crisis. Starting in July he said hes moving out - I couldnt believe it. We are both against divorce, he comes from divorce and never wanted that. He is very devoted to his girls - actually too much. They are the only thing that gives him happiness - he spoils them with attention and gives them what they want. That is a good father to him. I was never given priority - he never gave me time for dates, convo etc. He was always too tired at the end of the day. I was lonely and couldn't deal with the stress of my job, how the children were out of control bc of lack of discipline etc.

 

Last year I had a friendship with a mutual friend of ours. This was not a secret bc we all hung out as families couples etc. We both joked that the guy had a crush on me. We texted about silly things - including our kids and spouses - good stuff though no complaints. My husband new this. I will admit the OM got a little to serious - instead of being funny and our texts being surface stuff he started sending pictures of his personal life. Things like what he was cooking, or projects around the house, or pictures of the beach etc when he was on vacation. I could tell this was going down the wrong path but I enjoyed the attention. The OM never said he had feelings for me, we never met in secret or any of that. It was more of a flirting EA that never crossed the line. During a fight with my husband last year I said a few things about the OM in a heated argument that made him very mad and jealous. My husband got very mad and it was scary - his personality changed and he was angry angry angry - blamed me for everything that was wrong etc. Oh and I must say 3 years ago he told me he didnt love me anymore. I was bawling and didnt believe him. I thought it was just bc we got in a fight. Now looking back that is when the distance started. So anyway, I told OM it wasnt appropriate we texted and that my husband didnt like it. He was floored! He said he texts women and has alot of women friends. He is very unhappy in his marriage but doesn't admit it you can just tell.

 

Since July I have been tortured by my husband. He treated me like a piece of furniture, said he couldn't wait to get away from me, was going to do what he wanted, and used the kids as pawns. Never would discipline them and I would and of course they wanted Dad over me. It finally got so bad - I really felt like I was the victim of emotional abuse - I begged him to move out. I was sick of him sleeping in another room - sick of being ignored etc. He would count down the days til he moved out - this started in Sept - he was going to move, then it was Jan then Feb, finally he moved out.

 

Ive read books, talked with counselors, begged and begged him to forgive me. It was actually kind of pathetic bc I would cry and cry to him and beg him to forgive me - that I would change. Ever since he moved out he is here almost every day - its awful. My 11 year old is acting out horrible - she was the sweetest kindest girl, good grades, lots of friends polite etc. She still has those qualities but is really emotional, has lots of anxiety, her hygiene is poor, addicted to her phone, grades slipping, etc. Breaks my heart to no end.

 

The bottom line is my husband wants 50% custody. I dont want to keep him from the kids but I really think its important from them to have 1 home and not be shuffled back and forth. He is freaking out. I filed for divorce to protect myself and said in the paperwork I wanted to go to counseling, and I also wanted to look at all options including reconciliation. I don't even feel I love him at all since he has completely changed but would do anything for our girls and to keep us together.

 

I've been living in a prison for awhile, my health is affected, I had to go on anxiety medicine. I started seeing a family therapist and will take my daughter too.

 

What do I do next - just divorce and get it over with? What about custody? He said no lawyers if I give him 50%.

 

I am broken.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Sounds like he's done and dusted so your only option probably is to seek that divorce.

 

50% custody is quite reasonable and many families manage this successfully. If he has a place which is near to their school and activities, the kids will adapt. Kids are flexible in this way. I know it's not what you want to hear, but unless he's a neglectful parent there's no reason to give him less than 50%

 

Of course, you can seek legal advice if you wish. Just because he's avoiding lawyers doesn't mean that you have to do the same

[loveboid]

50/50.

The time for one household was when you were both in the marriage. That time is gone now since you're divorcing. These days both parents work and coparent in two households.

[PegNosePete]

The bottom line is my husband wants 50% custody. I dont want to keep him from the kids but I really think its important from them to have 1 home and not be shuffled back and forth.

Most courts would agree with you. 50/50 custody only really works when both parents want that, and co-operate to achieve it. It seems that in your case there is no such middle ground to come to a compromise.

 

I filed for divorce to protect myself and said in the paperwork I wanted to go to counseling, and I also wanted to look at all options including reconciliation.

Hum, did you take legal advice before doing that? Often a divorce will not be granted if there's counselling or a potential reconciliation on the cards. A divorce is stating that the marriage has broken down irretrievably. If there's ongoing efforts to reconcile then it's clearly not irretrievable. If you didn't talk to a lawyer concerning your divorce paperwork, it's probably a good idea to do so now.

 

He said no lawyers if I give him 50%.

Oh he did, did he? That sounds like a threat to me, "give me 50% or I'll get lawyers involved". Why don't you tell him, no lawyers if he gives you 80%?

 

At this stage it's all about negotiation. You really should see a lawyer for some legal advice and to figure out what you should settle for or not. Seeing a lawyer for advice does not mean you'll be fighting all through court. It just means you'll be told by a professional what your initial negotiating position is.

[MJJean]

50/50.

The time for one household was when you were both in the marriage. That time is gone now since you're divorcing. These days both parents work and coparent in two households.

 

Exactly!

 

50-50 custody is fair and just provided neither parent is abusive or dangerously irresponsible.

[Mr. Lucky]

The bottom line is my husband wants 50% custody. I dont want to keep him from the kids but I really think its important from them to have 1 home and not be shuffled back and forth. He is freaking out.

 

Sorry for your pain.

 

Beyond the emotional issues, you have to consider the practical side of divorce. Assuming you had full custody, how would you care for 2 young children and work full time? Most courts would rather see the children with the other parent than dumped at a sitter or child care. While I understand the hurt you're feeling, have to prioritize your kid's needs. Shared custody would make sense...

 

Mr. Lucky