What does Ex bf really want?

[Afgl]

So after a year and a half relationship where I have shown much more effort than my bf, he decides to leave because he says he is just emotionally unavailable. I know his he is and he is not the type to go out and party or want to date.

 

I have to say in the beginning I wasn't such a great catch but he stuck by me. And I transformed into a successful and attractive female for him. I really put him first and wanted him happy. But he says he lost feelings for me and is not attracted to me because of my past self that he cannot forget in his own mind. He also admits his own flaws are not because of me. He has had anger issues and has been insensitive and inconsiderate to previous partners as well.

 

His reasons for leaving was that he doesn't want to hurt me and wants me to improve and him to improve as well. To 'let things go' since he had never had a chance to be single for a long time and needed to cool off from all relationships. We had our talks and both came to a mutual understanding. However I can't help but feel sad that it's over and I do miss him.

 

But some things do confuse me about him.

 

1) he says he doesn't want me or anyone but he also mentions about possibly in the future and how we may be able to try again.

 

2) he doesn't want me to view him in a bad light because he doesn't want me to think badly of him in case he wants to try again

 

3) he calls me up and tells me he doesn't like it when I go clubbing with his friends. He agrees I can do other things like eating and etc. but his excuse is that he will feel 'left out' and that they are HIS friends. I had made many mutual friends with him. But specifically I cannot go clubbing or go to bars? He doesn't even go when invited and clubbing and bars are both not our things anyway. He showed some worry and wanted to 'warn' me to back off from those things.

 

I am a bit confused on his intentions. Keep in mind he is NOT the type of guy to go out and hook up. And he fully admits that I was the best to him. But we both have our own flaws and further improvements to make. Mine are easily changeable since a lot of it is superficial and comes with time, but his is really his innate behaviors as a partner that needs to be improved.

 

He says he does talk with friends and say that he cried daily for hurting a good person like me and broke up with me for me since I deserved better and he could not find it in himself to commitment. And he always mentions I don't want to be with you for NOW. And then says maybe in the future but not 100%.

 

But he does miss me a lot and thinks about me everyday. I feel like I should just give him space and initiate no contact once and for all. I don't hate him. It wasn't a bad break up. It was calm and we discussed. It's just really hard for me to go through this without wondering if he was jealous about the club thing. And I keep wondering about a possible future despite him saying it's not certain. He also says because of his issues, he is not attracted to me and does not love me. However during the relationship he does show a lot of affection on his own without me asking.

 

Any insight to this?

 

He is a great guy and is VERY honest. I trust him on that. We lived together for a whole year at least.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Afgl

[stillafool]

So after a year and a half relationship where I have shown much more effort than my bf, he decides to leave because he says he is just emotionally unavailable. I know his he is and he is not the type to go out and party or want to date.

 

I have to say in the beginning I wasn't such a great catch but he stuck by me. And I transformed into a successful and attractive female for him. I really put him first and wanted him happy. But he says he lost feelings for me and is not attracted to me because of my past self that he cannot forget in his own mind. He also admits his own flaws are not because of me. He has had anger issues and has been insensitive and inconsiderate to previous partners as well.

 

His reasons for leaving was that he doesn't want to hurt me and wants me to improve and him to improve as well. To 'let things go' since he had never had a chance to be single for a long time and needed to cool off from all relationships. We had our talks and both came to a mutual understanding. However I can't help but feel sad that it's over and I do miss him.

 

But some things do confuse me about him.

 

1) he says he doesn't want me or anyone but he also mentions about possibly in the future and how we may be able to try again.

 

2) he doesn't want me to view him in a bad light because he doesn't want me to think badly of him in case he wants to try again

 

3) he calls me up and tells me he doesn't like it when I go clubbing with his friends. He agrees I can do other things like eating and etc. but his excuse is that he will feel 'left out' and that they are HIS friends.

 

 

He says he does talk with friends and say that he cried daily for hurting a good person like me and broke up with me for me since I deserved better and he could not find it in himself to commitment. And he always mentions I don't want to be with you for NOW. And then says maybe in the future but not 100%.

 

But he does miss me a lot and thinks about me everyday. I feel like I should just give him space and initiate no contact once and for all. I don't hate him. It wasn't a bad break up. It was calm and we discussed. It's just really hard for me to go through this without wondering if he was jealous about the club thing. And I keep wondering about a possible future despite him saying it's not certain. He also says because of his issues, he is not attracted to me and does not love me. However during the relationship he does show a lot of affection on his own without me asking.

 

Any insight to this?

 

He is a great guy and is VERY honest. .

 

 

First of all believe people when they tell you how they feel. He has been very open and honest about the way he feels. You don't want to accept it. It is very hard to break up with someone you care about and even harder to tell them the truth the way he did to you. I've always cried when breaking up with a good person because it is very hard to hurt someone you care about. He cares for you but is not in love with you and that's why he broke up. He may be saying we'll see what happens in the future but that really means nothing because you are here now. If he meets and falls in love with another girl there will be no "in the future" so you have to move on with your life.

 

No one wants their ex hanging around with their friends after a break up. Suppose he meets a new girl and wants to bring her around his friends clubbing? It would be very awkward with you there. It's different if you met a nice girl within his group and the two of you have dinner; that's a different story but to hang with his group at this point is inappropriate. You do have your own friends, I'm sure so hang out with them. You don't need to be around his friends anyway because you don't need to see him, hear about him as this will prevent you from moving forward and healing from this breakup.

[BC1980]

That sounds exactly like what my ex told me. Line for line. There must be a manual out there because I've seen this same thing over and over. Bottom line. It's all BS. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Don't make excuses for people who claim they are unsure or confused. Most likely, he just doesn't feel strongly enough about you to continue, but he feels enough to want to keep you on the back burner in case nothing better comes along.

[ExtraSpice]

It is like BC1980 said. It is mostly well concocted BS.

 

The reason I say that is because I have been at both ends of this BS. If he wants to be with you he will. The talk about sometime in the future and bla bla are mostly breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook.

 

But I do think the part about missing you and all that is probably true. Whether you want to be with person or not does not negate the time you spent with them. He had some type of a connection with you and when that ended I am sure he missed it. Whether it was his decision or not.

[Afgl]

With regards to the friend thing,

 

It's not guy friends. It's female friends and my bf's siblings too. We have become really good friends throughout. It's not me hounding for the plans, but them. I simply join in and not for the purpose to remain close with me ex, but because they are great friends to be with. In fact, they even agree my ex is losing out and making a mistake.

 

However, I'm slowly beginning to come to terms with all this. He doesn't want me now but wasn't being a jerk about it. He was honest, straightforward, and we did have our problems. One thing I do know is that there was no other girl on the side for certain and this relationship ended due to internal problems alone with no influence. He has made it clear that he will not be dating for a long time because of his own personal conflict with himself and cannot commit to anyone.

 

It is hard knowing right now that the future I once thought we had could actually be gone, but I guess if it was meant to be, then he will come back. I have to move on for now.

[Afgl]

I do see your points. I know that part of it really is because he lost attraction and does not love me anymore.

 

But I also know the other part, he seems to want to fix himself before restarting anything again. I trust him on that. He isn't the type of guy to fool around and loyalty is his best trait.

 

He doesn't blame me fully for the loss of attraction and says he cannot put effort because he never recovered from his past relationships where he tried his best and ended up getting hurt. And without a chance to be single, he jumped into another relationship and is not kind of burnt. I understand that.

 

Though a lot of times, he would mention that 'he is trying' and 'it's for me' and 'when I am ready I'll etc'. It really sounds like he is hesitant on losing me for good.

 

Perhaps time will tell. I'm using all this time to hang out with friends and improve as a person. He says he left because he knows he is better how he treated me and I deserved better. He also admits it's not fair for me to take the negative emotions he's had for his exs and he needs to let go of a lot of things.

 

His estimate is a year. But... to me that feels like a long time to be moving on. Generally, no contact for a month is usually how long negative feelings are let go. Being alone can feel like a century by the midway mark...

[mightycpa]

He broke up with you. You no longer answer to what he wants. His friendship with these girls will be tested, just as your friendship with them will be tested. They'll make their own decisions about if they stick with one of you, or the both of you.

 

None of this is in a spirit of meanness. It just is, that's the way it goes.

[BC1980]

I do see your points. I know that part of it really is because he lost attraction and does not love me anymore.

 

But I also know the other part, he seems to want to fix himself before restarting anything again. I trust him on that. He isn't the type of guy to fool around and loyalty is his best trait.

 

He doesn't blame me fully for the loss of attraction and says he cannot put effort because he never recovered from his past relationships where he tried his best and ended up getting hurt. And without a chance to be single, he jumped into another relationship and is not kind of burnt. I understand that.

 

Though a lot of times, he would mention that 'he is trying' and 'it's for me' and 'when I am ready I'll etc'. It really sounds like he is hesitant on losing me for good.

 

Perhaps time will tell. I'm using all this time to hang out with friends and improve as a person. He says he left because he knows he is better how he treated me and I deserved better. He also admits it's not fair for me to take the negative emotions he's had for his exs and he needs to let go of a lot of things.

 

His estimate is a year. But... to me that feels like a long time to be moving on. Generally, no contact for a month is usually how long negative feelings are let go. Being alone can feel like a century by the midway mark...

 

Oh, I'm sure he'd be willing to jump right into something else if the opportunity presented itself. That excuse about working on yourself is about as old and tired as they come. You don't break up with someone to work on yourself. He is trying to soften the blow. If a person looses attraction and love, you can write that off for eternity. I know it's not necessarily the answer you want to hear, but I can promise you it's the truth.

[Zapbasket]

If he recognizes that he is emotionally unavailable, and that it has affected his previous relationships, then do you see the hypocrisy in now breaking this relationship so that he can "work on himself"? If he really wanted to fix this part of himself that is emotionally unavailable, he would work on it within the context of your relationship.

 

He wants out. That's pretty much the only real truth in all he has said. He is emotionally unavailable, and he is running away again. I wouldn't even put much stock in his saying he has lost feelings for you--his "love" or lack of it doesn't mean much if he is incapable of giving love in the first place.

 

Relationships, to succeed, are scary and require a lot of self-honesty and vulnerability. You say he's honest, but what better way to avoid dealing with "emotional unavailability" than to remove yourself from a situation where he is expected to be emotionally present? What really lies at the bottom of that acknowledgement to you is that he DOESN'T want to change; that's why he is leaving you rather than staying and working on his issues.

 

Do not wait for him. People like him are pretty hard-wired against "epiphanies."

[TaraMaiden2]

Can't say it, or put it better than the above posts.

The reasons he doesn't want to lose you for good, are probably twofold:

 

One: Guilt. He feels that if he keeps you in his life, you'll feel better about being dumped, and you can still connect with him - but only as a friend... (this is a classic 'I don't want to feel guilty about this, so if we can be friends, it lets me off the hook' tactic...)

 

Two: You become his soft place to fall. With any luck he can come in with some soothing, loving smart-talk about missing you, still having feelings for you, still confused... and have sex. Hey, why not? You still have feelings for him, so, obviously, it would be to your advantage, wouldn't it? (Hint: No, it wouldn't..)

 

Please don't think "Oh no, he's not like that! He wouldn't do that to me, it's not because of guilt or sex!"

 

Yes, it is.

It always is.

That's why the NC Guide was scribed. Because sadly when it comes to dumpers, their break-up behaviour is tragically predictable. It really is indicative of their behaviour. (See my signature).

 

If I could have a pound for every post/thread that begins "Well, you guys were right, I should have listened...." I'd be able to retire early, rich and happy.

 

Very rich.

[stillafool]

With regards to the friend thing,

 

It's not guy friends. It's female friends and my bf's siblings

too. We have become really good friends throughout. It's not me

hounding for the plans, but them. I simply join in and not for the purpose to

remain close with me ex, but because they are great friends to be with. In fact,

they even agree my ex is losing out and making a mistake.

It's even worst to hang around with his relatives because they are closer than friends. In the long run it wouldn't be good for you to continue to hang out with them because like I said before eventually he is going to have a new gf and this would make it awkward for all if you are around.

 

 

One thing I do know is that there was no other girl on the side for certain and this relationship ended due to internal problems alone with no influence. He has made it clear that he will not be dating for a long time

because of his own personal conflict with himself and cannot commit to anyone.

I'm not saying there's a girl on the side waiting for him but eventually (and not it won't be that long) he will start searching and dating again. C'mon, it's only normal for a young man to do this. Edited March 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[treezy]

I'm not too sure if you'd like us to speculate if your ex is going to contact you, since that's the title, or if you'd like an insight, as per your request. Anyhoo, here's my take.

 

Is he gonna call? Yes he will probably contact you at some point, but I highly doubt the conversation will be about "trying again".

 

I've learnt that if someone loves you, they'll NEVER leave you. They'll never even think of it. If they left you and said things like "oh I'm not good enough for you" or "oh I need time for self improvement", they're really just, well, trying to be very nice.

 

Yes, you need to initiate no contact NOW if you haven't already done that.

 

By the way, may I ask how long ago was this breakup?

[Steven1]

I feel I could probably offer you some experience/advice on this.

 

Me and my now ex girlfriend dated for 7 years, she started Uni in this country in September last year. We broke up about 9 weeks ago as she felt there were a lot of big changes happening in her life (new country, university, no family around her etc) and she felt this all changed our relationship from HER view of it.

 

 

Now, for your point 1

 

1) he says he doesn't want me or anyone but he also mentions about possibly in the future and how we may be able to try again.

 

When me and my ex split up 9 weeks ago, she said this to me. She said she didn't want a relationship at the minute, with me, or anything with anyone. But she said she couldn't rule out anything happening in the future. We went 8 weeks of no contact before she texted me asking how I was doing etc. I poured my heart out to her last night, and she said it's not going to happen, there's this guy she's been speaking to, nothing has happened with them, but strong chance it will.

 

My ex was never the type to go out and hook up either, she still isn't, but sadly she has found or will find someone else. Now I'm not saying that your ex will do this at all, but it sounds to me from what you have said that more or less he believed that your relationship had ran it's course and it still sounds as though he is trying to control your actions by telling you who you can and can't see, and what you can and can't do.

 

My girlfriend RARELY used to go out. Now she goes out probably at least 2/3 times a week clubbing with friends etc.

 

Sadly people change, and I think in his mind he feels that the relationship wasn't what it once was for him, he may just not be comfortable with his own flaws, but saying to you that he can't get the 'past' out of his mind in the relationship, more or less says that there is no future until he can get over those issues.

 

Will he contact you? I have no doubt he will as it sounds as though he will try to keep you in close distance and to not let YOU move on, until he has.

[sandylee1]

He can't control where you go.. so just put a stop to that ... he doesn't own you. If they are mutual friends do what you like. He's scared you'll meet someone else while clubbing. Do as you wish.

[Afgl]

Thanks for the valid points everyone. We have been broken up for roughly 3 weeks now.

 

Perhaps I am reading too much whenever he tells me that he will come back when he's ready. He does tell me a lot about how we aren't waiting for each other. It has always been on and off with him regards to his choice of words and my hopes.

 

Either way, he fully knows that he had someone special and knows he couldn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. And he could not find 'love' for me because of his own issues. He wants to be alone and reflect and that's fine.

 

But he sacrificed me. So I think I'm gone... I feel like even if I improve my life and down the future we decide to try again, I can't think of how he let me go. And I don't rebuild my trust easily.

[Afgl]

I fully know he feels guilty. Either way, at this point I'm staying away.

 

Some more information though is that we have had ups and downs in this relationship and he has felt this way many times. And left many times. But I have always been the one chasing and asking him to continue trying.

 

I think that was my mistake. I'm really done asking him to try for me. It gets tiring and I'm sick of it. My pain may start badly now but I know it will get better in time. But his will get worse because at the end of the day, I know I did what I could and there is nothing else I can regret.

 

But he'll learn. Thanks for the support and the next time he calls or texts, I am ignoring him.

 

He wants to improve as a partner by being single. lol. Load of bull.... To him he couldn't see what he had.

[BC1980]

Thanks for the valid points everyone. We have been broken up for roughly 3 weeks now.

 

Perhaps I am reading too much whenever he tells me that he will come back when he's ready. He does tell me a lot about how we aren't waiting for each other. It has always been on and off with him regards to his choice of words and my hopes.

 

Either way, he fully knows that he had someone special and knows he couldn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. And he could not find 'love' for me because of his own issues. He wants to be alone and reflect and that's fine.

 

People say such sill things after a breakup don't they? Saying he couldn't treat you the way you deserve. As if he's making a sacrifice in letting you go. It's so dramatic. It's more likely that he just wants out. My ex said some BS about letting me go to find someone who was a better match for me. He acted like he was doing me a favor, and it was all for my good. He really just wanted to get out of the relationship. It had nothing to do with what he felt was good for me. It was better that we parted, but his motivation was not to do right by me.

[266696687]

People say such sill things after a breakup don't they? Saying he couldn't treat you the way you deserve. As if he's making a sacrifice in letting you go. It's so dramatic. It's more likely that he just wants out. My ex said some BS about letting me go to find someone who was a better match for me. He acted like he was doing me a favor, and it was all for my good. He really just wanted to get out of the relationship. It had nothing to do with what he felt was good for me. It was better that we parted, but his motivation was not to do right by me.

 

This is a really profound post! This isn't my thread but what you said really hit a nerve for me!