Almost 6 months on and I'm still hoping he'll come back :-(

[sportygirl]

Hi,

 

I just need somewhere to message....

 

I've lost the first man I ever loved. I'm 30 and we were together for 18 months. He works in the navy so we did part time LDR as he was home for 8 weeks, and then away for 8 weeks. We managed to make it work and we both always loved the countdown to him coming home.

 

We had just put an offer on a property and the future seemed to be moving in the right direction for us. He initiated wanting to buy together, and often spoke about the future he saw for us - children and everything.

 

We never had any big arguments, just the odd niggle now and then. We did lots of adventures together and were in daily contact when he was away. All seemed to be going well.

 

However, he started changing jobs at work, and was worried about ultimately what he'd do when he left the navy (he always said he'd leave at the point that he wanted to start a family). He seemed suddenly very stressed and also depressed - but at this point he was working away, so comforting him was difficult from afar.

 

Just before he was due to come home after another 8 weeks away, he told me everything was becoming to stressful, and he needed time alone.... for a year. It wasn't a discussion about whether to stop with the house, give him space or even to wait for him.... he wanted me to move on with my life so he could be 'alone' to focus on his work and plans for after the navy. No me, no house. I tried to understand and spent the whole time crying all the while he was telling me this.

 

This was all a month ago and he's not been in touch since. I've sent the odd message trying to understand some more, and just check he's okay (as I am worried about him), but I just get a very brief response. I feel so lost. My whole future has gone with this man. I loved him and would have moved mountains for him - I'd have given him space or at least liked to have discussed how we could have helped him through this together.

 

He also said that he loves me, still wants a future with me and will call me up in a year?!?! Why would someone say that... surely they don't believe that if they're willing to walk away. I don't understand. I tried to get him to tell me he didn't want me / found someone else / anything, but he never wavered... still loves me and wants a future. Just not now.

 

I know I should just not look back and have some pride to walk away from someone that doesn't want me... but this doesn't seem like him and i keep hoping against hope that he'll wake up one day (soon) and realise what he's given up. I'm so upset... what can I possibly do?!

[PegNosePete]

Why would someone say that... surely they don't believe that if they're willing to walk away.

Yes, I would agree with that. When someone's words don't match their actions, the actions reveal the truth. Words are cheap.

 

I know I should just not look back and have some pride to walk away from someone that doesn't want me

Agreed, you should not look back. Have some pride and walk away from someone that doesn't want you.

 

this doesn't seem like him

One of my favourite movie quotes is relevant here.

"it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you"

 

It might not seem like "him", but it is him. He has done this. Now the only question you have to ask yourself is, do you deserve to be treated like that, and are you going to accept it? I certainly wouldn't if I were you.

[sportygirl]

Thanks for messaging PegNosePete. The problem is my brain agrees with you but my heart is in bits. I'm performing horribly at work, I cry ALL the time (when no-one is around), I've lost all interest in things and just feel so utterly broken. I was so incredibly happy with this man and I hate that I've lost the life I loved with him.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry you're feeling that way It's natural to feel down after a relationship ends.

 

But it must make you wonder: if he makes you feel that way, do you really want to be with him? Wouldn't you want to be with someone who makes you feel happy and complete and reassured and strong? He obviously does not feel the same as you, if he can do this to you.

[sportygirl]

I never felt this way when we were together.... its all been since the breakup. With him the relationship was everything I'd wanted in a partner.

 

I feel so much this is all down to him just being overly stressed about leaving the navy, the flat we were buying being the first concrete steps to that happening, and perhaps I just was too focused on all the good in that that maybe I wasn't listening when he was getting down.

 

It all just hurts. Hurts that our future has gone, that he's still suffering, and that we're both alone. This wasn't how I hoped this would all go.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm terribly sorry for your heartbreak.

 

I think what hurts the most about this whole thing is that he didn't bother to include you in the conversation before making up his mind to end things. That's a huge blow especially when things seemed to be on track for a future together. It blindsided you and now it's over. Had he let you in at any point and allowed you the opportunity to see just how bad things were getting for him, you might have been able to save the relationship, or at least work with him, work together to find a way to make it work knowing that for right now, he may have needed time and space. But he didn't and you didn't stand a chance.

 

I understand more than you know.

 

So it's perfectly normal and expected that you're reeling from this loss. It wasn't expected, it wasn't discussed and it wasn't respectful to the love you shared. It feels like a death. Where the pain is do deep you can actually feel it in your body. That will take time, perhaps lots of time to heal but you will heal...eventually.

 

What I want to let you know is that no matter how much pain he might be in or how many struggles he's having to endure, he is still responsible for his actions. He could have handled this very differently but he didn't. For whatever reason, he chose to keep you in the dark and then proceeded to cut you loose. That's on him. You going to have to stop making excuses for his behavior.

 

OP, there is no easy answer to this. It is best to try and give him the space he's asked for. Reaching out to him at this time is setting you back particularly because of his short responses. He's asked for space, so you need to honor that right now as hard as it is for you. Again, he's made a choice and for whatever reason it's not you...right now.

 

It's not going to be easy but you need to try and give him what he's asked for. In the meantime, take whatever time to grieve but make a plan for how long and then re-engage in life again. Go out with friends, take a painting class, go to the gym, spend time with family, whatever. Keep busy and stay silent. He knows how you feel and knows where to reach you.

 

Hugs to you.

Edited November 9, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[sportygirl]

Thank you for posting Michelle ma Belle - I get the impression that you've been through this. I feel awful that I know I didn't pick up more on him saying he was down... I was too caught up in the time at trying to get all the house things sorted... and just thought once he had that out of the way he's be happier. I just didn't put enough attention into him saying he was struggling. I feel incredibly guilty about this, and at the same time annoyed at myself too as perhaps if I'd listened I could have changed this outcome.

 

You are right though in that he's saying he needs to be 'alone'... so my messages to say hi, check in or almost beg him to remember what he's giving up are not going to be helping me or him. I'll stop with the contact. As you've said, he knows how I feel and where I am should he wish to turn things around.

 

Thank you again for your mail - its everything I'm thinking, feeling and need to hear. I'm sorry if you've had similar, but thank you for the advice. Its comforting to have someone understand the way I'm feeling and thinking right now.

[Silver_star]

He laid his cards on the table. He doesn't want a relationship with you. Now, or later, what's the difference?

It's easy for him to SAY he wants to come back in a year, but a year is a long time. Who knows what can happen in our lives in a years time, especially if you are NOT in a normal relationship where you communicate as partners and a team.

 

 

 

 

That is a pretty selfish thing to do to someone. Its hurtful, and damaging to the relationship that was.

He obviously feels the need to be on his own for whatever he is going through, and that's his right, but he does have to be aware and accountable for his decisions.

 

 

 

 

Even if he came back in a year and you were single (as he is presuming) who says you want him back? The relationship will not be the same. He robbed you of your security in the relationship.

 

 

 

Everyone goes through life events that change them. You can grow together or you can grow apart. He is choosing to not grow with you. So you need to grow apart. Let him be, and try to focus on your needs not his.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thank you for posting Michelle ma Belle - I get the impression that you've been through this. I feel awful that I know I didn't pick up more on him saying he was down... I was too caught up in the time at trying to get all the house things sorted... and just thought once he had that out of the way he's be happier. I just didn't put enough attention into him saying he was struggling. I feel incredibly guilty about this, and at the same time annoyed at myself too as perhaps if I'd listened I could have changed this outcome.

 

You are right though in that he's saying he needs to be 'alone'... so my messages to say hi, check in or almost beg him to remember what he's giving up are not going to be helping me or him. I'll stop with the contact. As you've said, he knows how I feel and where I am should he wish to turn things around.

 

Thank you again for your mail - its everything I'm thinking, feeling and need to hear. I'm sorry if you've had similar, but thank you for the advice. Its comforting to have someone understand the way I'm feeling and thinking right now.

 

I'm glad what I had to say resonated in some way with you. I want to just point out that it's (again) perfectly natural to blame yourself for not seeing the signs sooner or being distracted or whatever. That will take a while to get over BUT (again) there was a very high probability that even if you had caught on sooner and addressed it with him, the outcome might have been the same.

 

You have to understand and see that HE did not bother to talk to you about his thought process. HE did not bother to include you in the hard decisions he had to make despite your relationship and your plans. You don't strike me as a drama queen or someone who's selfish or self-centered. By all accounts, you had a wonderful relationship so beating yourself up about what happened or what you could have/should have done will drive you MENTAL if it hasn't already.

 

It hurts like a son-of-a-b*tch but (again) you need to realize that HE, and he alone, is responsible for the way things played out. He seems to continue with so many other aspects of his life and responsibilities without having to choose so the fact that he decided to end things with you is telling.

 

This is NOT your fault. Remember that

Edited November 9, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[sportygirl]

Thank you again for your post Michelle Ma Belle.

 

I'm still trying to move on but the breakup feels like it was still just yesterday. I've done the whole gym, friends, new routines, haircut strategies and feel no better. I'll still cry at my desk and feel hopeless.... again the biggest thing is regrets that I must have done something at some point for things to end this way. I was once so happy - truly happy and to think there's a chance I broke this is heart-breaking.

 

I'm hoping I'll be back on here in a little while and say I'm stronger (or even better that he's done a 180 and contacted me again!).... right now it really is just getting through each day... and resisting messaging our mutual friends for an update. I'm not looking for answers here... just posting for somewhere to write what I'm feeling.

[lyons]

He'll come back in a year if he doesn't find someone he likes better than you.

[Amelie1980]

He'll come back in a year if he doesn't find someone he likes better than you.

 

Or if his new relationship doesn't last.

[DontBreakEven]

Sometimes I really hate people's snide comments on here.

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting Sportygirl. Especially on the holiday.

 

I remember Thanksgiving 7 years ago when I had to go to family's house and explain that my marriage had been called off. I felt like I was in a fog. There have been ups and downs since then - amazing times and just as heartbreaking times, but that moment was a turning point in my life. That type of heartbreak almost becomes a benchmark from when you count years. Anything in time I need to think of, is either before November 2008, or after. This kind of stuff changes you (usually for the better, but you won't see that anytime soon!!). Right now you are just in crisis mode.

 

May I recommend a book? The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver. I'm certain you will find comfort in the words. My favorite takeaway from the book is to lean into your pain. Don't be afraid of it, don't hide or runaway from it, but just feel it, no matter how painful that is. That has always helped me.

 

I'm here with you, currently feeling an insane amount of pain over my most recent breakup. I scroll social media and see everyone so thankful for their little budding families, and it's hard for me. You are not along. *Hugs*

[Amelie1980]

mY COMMENT wasnt intended to be snide. Just truthful.

 

He wants the OP to be hanging on for a year and the OP probably will continue to hold out hope all that time.

 

It is fair comment to say he is probably seeing someone else. Maybe harsh comments will make the OP let go.

[sportygirl]

Thank you for the book recommendation DontBreakEven - I'm finding reading to be therapeutic at the moment, so Amazon will be the next step! I'm sorry you're going through heartache, and that you also had to go through what you did with the end of the engagement... I cannot imagine what that must be like. *hugs back!* :-)

[sportygirl]

Morning everyone

 

So... bit of an updatee... and a bit of a mistake :-(

 

I learnt last night that this new job in the navy which would take him away for the 8 weeks he had as leave didn't come through. So he's been home, living 1 hour up the road for the whole last 2 months. All this time I've been carrying that bit of hope that I did actually mean something and that perhaps this was all for the greater good of his career is BS. I feel even more hurt than I was before as now it isn't about the career... he just wasn't happy with us. I was veiling that behind the career excuse. Now I feel just as broken as day '1.

 

I've probably just made matters worse by letting him know that I've heard he's back, and that its hurt me. I know I should have left sleeping dogs lie, and i don't expect any kind of reply. I just wanted him to know that he was causing more hurt... he seems to have gotten off so lightly in this whole situation. I never once sent and angry message and it just feels as though I've been walked all over. I was genuinely worried about him being stressed / down and all this while he's had 2 months off where he's also been on holiday. I'm such a fool for caring and for believing him.

 

I'm guessing sending a message wasn't a good idea... ego boost for him knowing I still care? I don't know what to think anymore. This just makes a mockery out of me and all we once had.

[K2z]

It is almost axiomatic that when someone asks for "time" it means "time to see if this other option works out." I find his request cowardly and morally wretched, and this is coming from a guy who lost a great woman cause he delayed too long. But even I would not have broken up with some flimsy promise of a year later.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Wow it's already been a month since you posted this. I remember reading through this on my first day here. It's cliche but it honestly feels like yesterday.

 

And that's the thing. Time is going to go by so fast, and soon this piece of **** will be a distant memory while you and your new man sit on the beach and eat chocolate covered strawberries.

 

But yeah, for now, it will probably hurt. Don't worry though, you aren't back at day 1. Things will get better faster, and by the end of the week you'll be back to where you were, I promise. This could help actually because now you can finally accept that he isn't coming back and move on. Holding onto false hope is one of the hardest parts of getting over someone.

 

You shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed that you told him it hurt either. It did hurt and you do care. Soon you won't care what he thinks about you anyways. If anything, maybe he'll realize that being a cowardly lying bastard is no way to treat a woman. All that really matters is what you think of yourself.

 

You dodged a bullet with this guy. He's a weak man and he doesn't deserve you.

[PegNosePete]

I've probably just made matters worse by letting him know that I've heard he's back, and that its hurt me. I know I should have left sleeping dogs lie

Indeed. But there's no point beating yourself up about it, it's done now.

 

Just get back on that NC horse. Today is day 1. Tomorrow is day 2.

[sportygirl]

Thank yu for the messages. Bit of an update.... I feel the most broken I have since the beginning of the breakup....

 

He's messaged to try and explain himself and it all a little bit more and has put it down to 'something being missing'. He can't define what it is, but ultimately he thought about what he was willing to sacrifice for our relationship i.e. would be move to a new town if I asked (never even discussed?!?!) and he couldn't. So therefore there's something missing.

 

This is killing me. Before I could hide behind it being the new job / love of the navy that kept us apart. Now I know for sure the relationship wasn't right for him, and that there's no possibility of re-kindlling things in a year.

 

I feel so hurt. Deep down I Knew this was the truth all along, but I was able to keep my head above water thinking that just perhaps he didn't want this all to end either, and he felt we were something special. Everything is just undermined now.... every moment we shared and everything we ever said to each other.

 

I'm so broken. Already I was on sleeping tablets and struggling with just holding it together at work. I don't know the way forward from here. I'm pushing everyone close to me away and am can't bear to be with people that we once the closest to me. I have a lovely family and the thought of spending Christmas with them is crushing me. I don't understand these feelings as I've always been so close and so keen to keep them all happy too. I've just booked a country retreat for the 2 weeks so that I don't have to go home to them all. I"m such a mess. Trying therapy but its going to take some time.

 

Sorry for the ramble.... I'm just so incredibly crushed and don't know how to fix it all.

[sportygirl]

When I say I knew this was the truth all along, I don't mean that I thought there was 'something missing' for him all along, far from it! I mean that since the breakup I've known that this wasn't all down to the navy and he more than likely would not be back for me.

[sportygirl]

Also... not sure whether to respond or not to the message. It was a nicely written message so clear he wasn't trying to hurt me, s ignoring feels wrong. At the same time, I do want to point out that whilst I accept it if that really is the reason, I do feel it was all in haste... at the time we'd both been stressed with the new house, him changing jobs, being at a distance etc.... so based on a time when emotions were high. I do believe if he took a step back at the time it could have ended so different.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Sorry for the ramble.... I'm just so incredibly crushed and don't know how to fix it all.

 

I think you are taking excellent steps towards fixing things. You are getting therapy and going on a country retreat, both of which I think will be very helpful right now. It may feel wrong to be away from family over the holidays, but perhaps this is exactly what you need, to be alone for a while, relax and figure out for yourself.

 

Don't feel bad about telling him how hurt you were because it sounds like you needed to vent those feelings rather than bottle them up inside.

 

You will get through this.

[sportygirl]

Thank you Scarlett. It's really playing on my mind as well that he must be due to go back to the boat any day now and I wish so much he'd want to see me before he went. Killing me to know he's an hour away. We used to wish so hard that his leave would come around quicker so we could be in the same country. Now that we are again, I still wish so hard to see him and he doesn't. Its crushing.

[DontBreakEven]

 

I'm so so so sorry.

 

My ex had an excuse too as to why she left - she had to move back to her hometown to be with her family.

 

I know deep down that if someone really wanted to be with me, they wouldn't just up and move. I have never had confirmation from her of this, but it's just glaringly obvious. An excuse is just a lie, guarded.

 

I'm right where you are - heartbroken. But I also know that I don't ever want to hear and excuse of why someone doesn't want to be with me. That person is CLEARLY not the person for me. Doesn't remove the pain though.