Think my marriage is dying or dead already

[Zuul]

First time posting here. I was just looking for some place to talk about this.

 

My wife and i have been married for 10 years, and were together for about 3 years previous to that. We have 2 kids.

 

Over the years our relationship has had ups and downs, and it always seems to relate to how my wife is feeling in her professional life. When we first married she found a job shortly thereafter and was quite happy. 2 years into that she hated it and was bored and wanted to move onto something else where she had more control and power. She found it and there was another up-tick in our marriage. She was happy and fulfilled. Until recently, where she has realized she doesn't like her current job. She is bored, there are challenges being in charge that she doesn't want to deal with anymore, and she has decided she wants to move on again to something new. Only problem is for the first time in her life she has encountered difficulties finding a job. She had a couple of interviews that really seemed promising (one where she claims she was almost promised the job behind the scenes) but they all fell through. The one in particular devastated her.

 

I have never seen her with such low self-confidence before, and have tried to be supportive. (I speak as someone who interviewed for MANY jobs and failed to get them, so i was hoping i could help her feel better about that, but it did not seem to work.)

 

Over the past 6 months she has decided that she is going to start her own business and become her own boss. The only problem was she didn't know what kind of business she wanted. She strongly considered opening an independent movie theatre in our area, to which i told her probably would not work. Realistically we HAD a movie theatre years ago, and it failed.

 

She threw around a couple of other ideas, and it does not help that her recently widowed-grandfather has more money then sense and has told her he would willingly buy her a BUILDING for whatever.

 

My wife also received an inheritance from her grandmother who had passed away, and while some of that money went towards paying off our debts, the rest, i have been told, will be going to her dream-project here.

 

My wife has become frustrated with me because i have a pragmatic outlook and i try to give my honest opinions on her ideas for this self-employment. I am not trying to be unsupportive, i am fully trying to support her cause i feel she needs this to be happy, but i feel like i have to be honest about my thoughts on her ideas.

 

She has, in-turn, opted to exclude me from further conversations about this project. She has actually made purchases now related to this project of a substantial financial value, but i have been told that I am not a part of it. This is something she has to do on her own.

 

This hurts me greatly, but i am trying to oblige her wishes and stay out of it. I guess it hurts, though, that when her parents came down this past Easter weekend she was very enthusiastic about taking them around and showing and discussing her plans, none of which I am privy to anymore.

 

We just recently started marriage counselling (first appointment was last week) and we will see where this goes, but this past weekend something happened that really hurt me.

 

It was Easter, and leading up to it i had asked my wife if we needed any Easter related candy to hide for the kids. She told me she had it all covered. Come Saturday night the kids are asleep and i go up to prep for hiding the eggs to discover that my wife had neglected to buy ANYTHING. When i asked her about this she told me "our kids are getting too old for this". (9 and 7).

 

The next morning our youngest comes into our room and tells us that the Easter Bunny left her a present in the room, and could she go and start looking for the Easter eggs. My wife then confessed to her daughter that the truth was that mommy had forgotten to buy eggs. In 1 foul swoop my wife just made the executive decision to end the whole "Easter Bunny/Santa Claus" belief.

 

I informed her (after our daughter left) that i was incredibly upset, and she did not seem to understand why.

 

Am i in the wrong for feeling like i was betrayed?

 

At any rate, given these 2 recent incidents i have never felt more like i am not interested in being a part of this marriage any longer. I am not sure how I can change that feeling. Or even if i should.

[mikeylo]

Go for a trial separation. You might end up deciding that divorce is best or making the marriage work. If it's latter , go for MC.

[KBarletta]

I think it was pretty insensitive of your wife to just destroy the Easter Bunny "myth" without any discussion, especially when your children are still quite young. My daughter is 14 and I still got her an Easter basket and hid it for her (even though she is well aware that I am the one who got it, I still play along because it's a fun holiday tradition.)

 

Honestly, though, I think her shutting you out of her business project is a much bigger long-term problem. The Easter thing sounds like it was just a symptom of your lack of communication.

 

I would address both of these issues in your next MC session and keep going to MC and trying to work on these things. It sounds to me like your problems are that you are not communicating and supporting and partnering with each other as a married couple should. You are instead living two separate lives. That needs to change if you want your marriage to survive, and you have already taken the next logical step to address these issues in MC. If you both approach that with the same goal (improving and saving your marriage), then I think you have a chance.

 

I wish you luck.

[turnera]

Your wife needs mental help. Therapy. Insist on it.

[whichwayisup]

That's sad about your wife ruining the kids easter egg hunts! Neither are 10 yet and they are still young and need to enjoy that hunt! I know kids in my family still do egg hunts in their teens because it's fun even if they know the easter bunny doesn't exist.

 

Your wife needs to include you more and understand that your concerns are out of care, not maliciousness. Try supporting her and being positive. If things don't work out it's on her since it is her money, right?

 

I hope counseling goes well, don't give up! You two do love each other and have 2 kids to consider so give it your best and fight hard to make it work.

[Zuul]

Thanks for the responses all! Yes, i figure at the next session of MC these 2 topics are things i hope to bring up.

 

It just kinda stinks because the marriage counselor, after meeting 1, had assigned us some 'exercises' to work on that were supposed to work on some of my issues (i seem to have some 'touchy feely' issues, as in sometimes i just don't want to be touched) where we were supposed to spend a half hour a night together talking and potentially trying to 'desensitize' my touch issues, but honestly i have zero inclination to be involved in either of those right now. I just feel very hurt and excluded.

 

We were also supposed to keep a list of things that the other did that upset us and, rather then say something about it, write it down instead. Well, that went to pot cause i couldn't keep these issues in. Not a great start to our counseling!

 

Yes, i have told my wife that i feel like she would benefit from some therapy. She went to 1 session and got upset because the therapist only wanted to talk about my wife's issues with her mom, which, quite honestly, is EXACTLY what she needs to work out!

 

My wife is the kind of person who does not like to be told anything. She does things her own way and good luck stopping her. I don't know how to tell her that that is exactly the type of person her mother is, which she hates.

 

I really do hope this counseling can help, but in the first session she was incredibly effective at deflecting any issues that were at her back to me. To be honest, i felt like i took quite a beating, to which even my wife commented on afterwards.

 

We will see!

[Babs22]

Zuul,

Sorry to hear about your difficulties in your marriage.

You mentioned that your wife is very controlling. Not listening and doing things without taking advice, especially when a lot of money is being spent is not the best idea. You should not be totally shut out of this as it effects you and your girls. I guess the good news is, if it fails, you had nothing to do with it.

 

I agree with you, it was lousy of her to not do something for your girls for Easter and then break it to your daughter on Easter morning that there is no Easter Bunny.

Your wife sounds like a very selfish person, it is all about her and damned be everyone else.

 

Good luck in therapy. Those are characteristics that will take a lot of work on her part to change. Sorry to hear that you got piled on in your first therapy session. If it happens again, maybe you should look for a different therapist.

[heartwhole]

It sounds like you are not on the same team or same page at the moment. Can you envision that changing?

 

I'm a big believer in the "virtuous cycle." Imagine the end goal -- a working partnership, being best friends, being passionate lovers -- and think of what you need to do to get there.

 

It sounds like you both have a lot of resentments built up. Yes, those need to be tended to and aired if you are to rebuild. But if you try to air them without also working on having positive interactions and giving selflessly to one another, then you will probably never get to the "virtuous" part of the cycle. It's a tricky balance and that's where a good counselor comes in.

 

If you both felt that the counselor was piling on you, then make a point to stand up for yourself at the next appointment. It can't hurt if you two can unite against the counselor who doesn't quite get your dynamic. It's always helpful to have a common enemy. But I also wouldn't poo-poo the counselor's exercises -- try to approach it from a place of hope and vulnerability. Remember your end goal. You mention wanting to support her in her new business venture and recognizing how good your home life is when she's happy professionally, but then you comment negatively about her being handed the building from her grandfather and question her choices.

 

I guess the question is, can you survive if the business fails? If yes, then what is the harm in going all-in? My husband has always had an itch to do more than his day-job. When we came to be in a place financially where we could lose a sizable investment and be fine, I just said, OK, go do your thing with investing in real estate and small businesses. I wrote off the investment in my mind so that I could let go of my need to control it. I do often give feedback and exercise veto power because I am the more risk averse partner and we can't invest in every single thing that comes along, but I came to realize that he needs this in his life to be happy. That's the most important thing, so long as our bills are paid.

 

Of course, if it turns out that your end goal is to end the marriage, that's OK too. But since you have kids that you both love very much, I don't see the harm in giving the counseling a fair shot first and trying to start a virtuous cycle by being supportive of her business even if the chances of success are slim (aren't they always?).

 

As for the Easter thing, I do think it's symptomatic of your overall distance and unhealthy dynamic, yes. I would be upset too. But again, I would try to focus on the actual issues at hand -- how to communicate, how to make decisions together, how to approach the business. If you immediately start out with a laundry list of "You did X" or "You never do Y," then I can tell you right now how that conversation is going to end . . . with slamming doors, and that's best case scenario. Rather you can approach it from a "I really need to be considered when you make important decisions" tack.

[Yasuandio]

I so loved the Easter tradition my Mom practiced in raising us (the colors and smells of Easter treats bring back such fond memories). Just today, I was at the store, and all the Easter goodies were half-price. I indulged myself! Also saw a wonderful stuffed rabbit (also half price), but I resisted. Who cares if it is Wednsday, or Thursday. The candies, especially the "Peeps," tasted so good tonight. Why not check out the sales tomorrow - the kids will still love an easter basket (and have double the stash)! Just an idea.

[elaine567]

Your wife has effectively "outgrown" you.

With her inheritance and the backing of moneyed grandfather she no longer needs you or your input to make decisions, she has become independent of you and you are feeling redundant.

 

Why are you seeking MC, is there more to this story?

[Captivating]

Hi,

You have every right to be upset !!!

Not involving you in the financial decisions and not discussing the Easter bunny thing with you ahead of time, or asking your opinion at all about ANYTHING is unacceptable !

 

Who is she to treat you like that?? Since when is she in the position to boss you or the family around?? Not to mention, robbing the kids from the sweetest childhood memories, because she "felt like that in the moment"

Zero consideration for you and the kids.

When push comes to shove SHE QUITS ! When the work environment gets iffy, difficult or let me guess, people start hating her, she quits.

NO ! When you have a family you don't freaking quit. She seems to be a spoiled brat.

 

Please don't enable her anymore. She needs to grow up.

The problem with divorce is the kids. She seems to be very inconsiderate with you, so in case of a divorce, I would bet that she would get nasty.

This is a terrible situation. Make sure to keep your job, if she quits her job all the time you have better chances with the kids at the divorce court.

Stand your ground, be stern if you have to, don't let her push you around.

Be always sweet and patient with the kids.

I hope things will get better for you!

 

Please check avoidant personality disorder, she might have that!

Seriously !

Edited April 7, 2016 by Captivating