Soul Searching JJ Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 OK, any of you who have read my story or anyone with advise... Problem marriage due to my H's childhood experiences that he withheld until recent problems forced the issues out... No sex drive due to anti-depressant drugs that he is taking (or is it...). He has admitted to porn overuse and possible "addiction" because he felt that he craved it in some way just like the pot he was using to self medicate before seeing a doctor and getting an anti-depressant... I'm starving for attention and he passes all of the open opportunities I give him and then tries to initiate sex when the timing is unreal - like when I am feeding the baby (mind you he is only 4 months and still breast feeding). I've asked him about the absence of sex desire and how I am in need of some attention and he tells me it just makes it harder for him to even think of performing. OK, then after just talking about the issue last night, he goes and beats off to porn just minutes after I leave the house tonight to go to my nieces dance recital... WHAT is that??? I may be a little overweight because I just had the baby but I'm not unattractive by any means - weight or not. He has a Santa belly - not like he is a fitness guru that can't stand a little meat... I so can't stand not having anyone - I am so sick of always being there for him - WHAT about me??? I don't do drugs, I am a WONDERFUL MOM, I have always been faithful, I have morals - lots of them - I am a hard worker - Independent - love to have fun - a beautiful woman (not in the conceited way, just confident), A wonderful sister, friend, aunt, lover, you name it, I have never let anyone down - ever - what did I do to mess up my life so much??? I'm educated so it is not like I search the sewer for a lover - hell I've only had 6 (a big number for me seeing that I never wanted to sleep with more than 3 and two out of the three I was married to) in my lifetime and I'm over 30!!! Oh my *** I can't stay and I can't get him to leave - I can't cheat and I can't sleep with my H - I am going to have a breakdown - kind of like the "War of the Roses" where they kill each other but I'm the only one who is at risk of injury........................................... SOMEONE give me a good site to go to where I can meet someone to talk with over the Internet - someplace safe that I won't have the opportunity to ever meet anyone in person because if I did I don't think I would have the will power to stay faithful............... I'm am now going to do the most lonely thing and go out to a local bar by myself to have a drink. I had two beers tonight at pizza with the family so I am going to pump brst mlk for the baby before I have anymore and go - maybe I will meet some lonely jerk to treat like SH*t so I can feel better................................................................ Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Get yourselves to counselling. FAST. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Searching JJ Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Get yourselves to counselling. FAST. Thanks - been there and still seeing one - that advise doesn't help. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by Soul Searching JJ No sex drive due to anti-depressant drugs that he is taking (or is it...). He has admitted to porn overuse and possible "addiction" because he felt that he craved it in some way just like the pot he was using to self medicate before seeing a doctor and getting an anti-depressant... I'm starving for attention and he passes all of the open opportunities I give him and then tries to initiate sex when the timing is unreal - like when I am feeding the baby (mind you he is only 4 months and still breast feeding). This seems very telling to me. It seems like sex for him is all about attention....? Link to post Share on other sites
ollydolly Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 There is a book called "Refusing to be a Man" by John Stoltenberg. It is about man's craving to objectify women via porn and other ways. It talks quite extensively about the mother/son dynamic of a male's sexual development and how that can also be projected into an infant who craves the mother's attention and feeds off her body. You may find it interesting, but the trick is to get your man to read it! Sorry for ya - Porns a bitch! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 There's one option you may want to consider: divorce. You know that the situation will not get any better. Your H will not change. By staying, you are volunteering for having the rest of your life ruined, and your children will learn from you and your H what they can expect from 'marriage'. By staying, you may think you'll be teaching your children the 'morals and the value of marriage' but what they will learn from this is resentment, obligation, infidelity, fractured emotional interaction, passive-aggressive behavior, and dysfunctional sex. At this point, leaving would be the the lesser of the two evils. Stop thinking of what you 'should' do morally and think of what you need to do: remove yourself and your children from a life of constant misery, which will perpetuate itself in some way in your children's life and relationships. Break this cycle before it starts. There is still time for you to find happiness with someone. Who knows? Maybe your H will find happiness with someone too. It could well be that both of you have the capacity for happiness and normality in your lives, just not with each other. what did I do to mess up my life so much??? You didn't mess up your life. Sometimes life puts a mess at your feet - a huge steaming dump and you might step in it. Nothing says you have to stand there ankle deep in it. You have the power to walk out of this. You just need someone to hold your hand and help you take that first step. You can find happiness in your life, but you have to be willing to find it for yourself right now. I know you mentioned counseling. Maybe you could mention to your therapist that you want to drop down to IC and discuss how you might feel about separating/divorce? You may end up not wanting to go with that option after all, but it would help to at least talk about it so that you'll be in the know about your options. Link to post Share on other sites
chaos70 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I would try other counselors. Not to say the current one is bad or something, but some of them have different perspectives and strengths. If I was a betting man, the porn addiction is probably due to an emotional thing he just doesn't know how to relate or even share. It's a tough thing especially speaking as a former porn addict. For me, it was because I felt that she made no effort to emotional connect to me. Sex was like do everything for her and then flop on her to service myself (last part was her words while in bed). I'm not saying you probably are doing the same thing, and for each addiction...there is something that fuels it. Ultimatims typically in that scenerio (me or porn) is not going to work. You need to get to the root of why he feels that he needs porn to get that emotional fix that he desires. In my case, if my stbxw would have just been there for me so I didn't feel that I was carrying the burden of everything on my shoulders...it would have been a key difference. I'm against the whole D thing as the first option when things like this are the playing field especially when children are in the mix. There are solutions but they require participation on both parties. Remember, men are emotionally stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
only1life Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Reading what you wrote, it kind of sounds like he enjoys sex allright, but maybe feels inadequate enough to please you. The one nice thing about porn and "doing it yourself" is that there is no one there to judge how well you did, or make you feel bad if it wasn't good enough. Maybe he feels that he is unable to please you, it sure sounds like you are not pleased! And by telling him your problem, (which you have to do) you might have made it even harder, because now he feels even more pressure to satisfy you. Bookstores are full of books on how to satisfy each other. And how to satisfy yourself! Ideally, when you are together! It works both ways! Just don't go out and find someone else, because that will complicate the whole thing more than you can image! Don't do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts