Self-Discovery after 10 Years of Marriage Hell - I'm a Wife with an OW

[Therese]

In September of this year, I will have been married for 10 years. I have three children, two which are a product of the marriage, and one from a previous relationship. Their ages are 7, 3 and 16, respectively. If you read any of my historical posts, you will see that I have had a tough time in marriage. To sum it up here, my husband has been physically unfaithful to me on two occasions, one, very early in the marriage, and another, about 5 years ago. He was also been emotionally abusive. There was also an instance of sexual assault, which occurred about 6 years ago.

To speak to some of my 'issues', I had some serious anger/rage problems, which developed pretty early in the marriage. I had never considered myself angry or rageful prior to. I have worked on and corrected these issues through counseling. I have not displayed rage in 3 years (yay!) I was also unfaithful to him on one occasion 5 years ago.

Two years ago, he came to me and admitted his indiscretions, saying he was tired of carrying the secrets and wanted us to truly be happy together. However, when I indicated a willingness to work on the marriage, he initially didn't want to (I was utterly confused), and then, about a week later, he came back saying that he did. We proceeded to 'work on the marriage', and a year into doing so, he came back and voiced similar sentiments. I started the divorce process, and about a month later, he came back (yet again) and said he had changed his mind. Through an act of, what at the time I called a divine intervention, I have stayed, but as you can imagine, my emotions and commitment have been very dynamic.

Things seemed to be going well for three months (September - November), until I met a woman who expressed her attraction to me, and, in an attempt to 'do me', I engaged her. It was more than that though. There was an instant chemistry and I found myself extremely drawn to her. I have never been attracted to women until now. Even now, I find that I'm only attracted to her and not women in general. Now, I have strong feelings for her. I don't want to be with her for the rest of my life, but I definitely want to explore my sexuality and do whatever the hell I want to do.

Hubby is aware of what I'm going through, as i have been very honest and frank about it; however, he refuses to end the marriage, saying its a phase (which, it probably is). Part of me wants to be free from all of this though. I'm emotionally drained!

My question is: how do I begin this quest to discover who I am, after 10 years of conforming, bargaining, pleading, cheating, lying, and everything else? I recognize I have a responsibility to my children, which is the reason I've stayed this long, but I'm to the point that I feel very selfish because I want to do what I want to do, regardless of who's watching or caring.

As I mentioned, I've been here before and am expecting to get lambasted for the part others feel I may have played in this entire scenario, but I'm looking forward to getting some feedback.

Thanks in advance.

[smackie9]

I have an easy solution.....just have an open marriage. I think it will work well for you two. Do your research, set ground rules and a way you go.