Can't imagine a good way for this relationship to proceed, but I miss him so much!

[grays]

First of all, just to make this even more ridiculous, I'm not really sure how he feels. I feel pretty confident that if he was still here, we'd be together exclusively. He said a lot of "if I weren't leaving" type comments, but neither of us have talked about the idea of trying to make it work even tho he's not here. We have joked around about how awesome it'll be when he comes back in three years, but I have no idea if he's actually got it in his mind that he wants to make that happen.

 

The crappy part is that we only knew each other for about two months and it was only starting to feel like a real important thing in the last two weeks or so. So it feels like it's just not a known quantity.

 

I can't imagine trying to wait for three years for something that may or may not work. I suppose that's true of every LDR, that there're no guarantees, but I just dont even have a lot of evidence that leads me to believe.... But at the same time, I can't stand the idea of not having him in my life and the idea of being with him for real three years from now just floods me with joy.

 

The only way I can see this working is for both of us to continue dating other people but keep communication open. I'm scared that one or both of us will feel hurt or jealous, and that might ruin us. And I'm scared that one of us will fall in love w someone else, which would end it. But I cannot see putting everything on hold for three years for someone I haven't explored more. In my fantasy version of how this would work, I imagine that things would be really open and low key for the first couple of years but maybe try to see each other more and put more into it as we come closer to when he'll be back. I just feel like three years is too much, but a year seems feasible and six months would be nothing... Like the gamble is too big now, but will be more reasonable later.

 

Are there couples out there who have had arrangements like this?

[Emilia]

You should never put your life on hold for anyone. You need to speak to him and stop contact. Will be over it faster than you think.

[grays]

That might be the best course, but I'm not ready yet. ???

 

I'm actually really actively trying to move on. I've been dating like a mad woman. Somehow I've been managing to find guys that are putting no pressure on me to be at all physical with them, which has been really nice because for some reason being with someone new feels rough right now, no matter how awesome they might be.

 

I've actually had sex now with two people, both of whom are long term FWB type situations. Both times I just felt kinda flat even tho they're both people I feel close to. One was earlier today and the nicest part was talking about this with him. He just let me cry and was so sweet about it. I feel crazy for being able to have such a warm close time with him and then feeling lonely as f*** as soon as he walked away.

 

And one of the guys I've been dating has been freaking amazing. If I had met him before my guy that left, I have no doubt that I'd be crazy about him. He asked if he could come over two dates ago and I was really torn bc in most cases if there's interest, it seems like coming over is gonna end up being sex. I thought about it all day and the truth was that I really wanted him to come over and just hang out with me but I wasn't feeling like I wanted to be physically all. So I decided to tell him to come but hope I could get through it with my pants on (more worried that I'd lose my resolve than that he'd be the problem). And it ended up being exactly what I wanted! We sat on my couch for hours talking. When he left I walked him out and we had a nice hug and kiss on the cheek! It was perfect. And then he came over a couple of days later and we actually took a nap together without fooling around, just sweet. I'm really wishing I could just put my gone guy aside and give this guy the appropriate space in my heart and mind.

 

It's such a weird thing bc for once I'm feeling like I really have nice men in my life, but I can't seem to really engage with them bc I want him. ???

[preraph]

There is no commitment, and it's way too soon for any type of exclusivity. You're right when you say the only way is to keep dating others. He will even if you don't. Since there's no commitment, there's no need to talk about it -- ever. Don't throw it in each other's faces. And that's assuming he's going to bother staying in touch with you. Chances are one or the other will get involved and slack off staying in touch. Let it be.