Constant Rejection

[Snow_Queen]

For the past several years, I have been dating on and off in hopes of finding companionship. These dates are few and far between and I have to work very hard to get them. I'm terrible at the whole dating game but that never prevented me from finding a few dates. That isn't really my problem...it's the constant rejection before even landing a date in order to have a relationship.

 

Let me start off by saying I'm a female in my early 30s, college educated, good career, and I can stand on my own feet financially. Yes, I'm introverted but that doesn't mean I'm shy. Friends and other people I know have told me I'm attractive and look much younger than my age. One friend told me this could intimidate some men. I believe men must not be attracted enough to me or why else would this happen? I am talking about the very first step here and not during the dating process.

 

The few who would date me are what my friends call "predators", therefore, I ended up being used/abused. Since I don't accept this, I promptly ended things. That's when i tried dating all different types of men and none would even give me one chance. Either they were outgoing, shy, the nice guy, the adventurous type, you name it. There has also been several occasions where I knew (or was friends) with great guys who thought I was great, too. All the right signs were there: they loved spending time with me, talking to me, compliments, acting nervous around me. When I'd reciprocate, they'd run for the hills and make it known they were NOT interested.

 

Because of this, I have read countless articles on what might be my issue. So, I tried to stay fit, have confidence in myself, made sure I remained feminine inside and out, I'd smile and laugh often, showed compassion, listened, remembered what was important to them. These were all really good guys who were often overlooked by women (according to them) and none of this worked.

 

After I swore I'd never let myself fall in love again, it happened after a long while. I was stupid enough to put myself out there and break down the walls I placed around my heart. Whenever I spoke to this guy, I was a better version of myself. He made me a better person and I him. All the signs were there so I took a plunge even allowing my vulnerable side to show. He seemed to like me in a romantic way but was a little shy. What happened when I reciprocated? It turned out he was not interested.

 

Since I seem to have no issue getting along with people in general, I am at a loss. This issue breaks my heart a little more everyday. I need some solid advice.

[preraph]

Only because you mentioned them running for the hills after you, your words, "reciprocated," I'm guessing you vocalized to them that you were falling in love, and that maybe it was too soon. But of course I can't be sure. Did they tell you they were all into you first, and then you said "me too," or did you start telling them you were in love or talking about future or what?

 

On that last one, you said he was shy but all signs were there, so you reciprocated, so it doesn't sound like he actually told you he was into you. I hate that you're attracting predators, and please be ware if you could be accepting some sleazy behavior or talk because maybe you're used to it from a family member of friend and ignoring something like that could be letting someone in. So try to see EARLY warning signs of disrespect or just sleaziness and don't accept it or act like you're "cool about it." I myself have made that mistake and then winced when I found out that was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Don't overlook any disrespect or any talk about not looking for a relationship. Run from it.

[jcromp]

Do you have any close girlfriends or sisters that you think would give you honest and constructive advice? It may just be your approach that is off-putting and not who you are. Many women like yourself that are educated and independent sometimes come off a little strong and then men are intimidated.

 

I know this sounds totally sexist, and I don't mean at all that you should be someone that you're not. But as advanced as we'd like our society to be in gender equality, most men, still want to be the "men" in the relationship. Not that they think themselves superior to women, but that they are accustomed to being the pursuers and the more forward ones in a relationship.

 

Do you have any close male friends that would be game to talk to you about this? Or even go on mock dates with you to offer some insight to what you may be doing or saying that is causing these problems for you?

[ZA Dater]

Do you have any close girlfriends or sisters that you think would give you honest and constructive advice? It may just be your approach that is off-putting and not who you are. Many women like yourself that are educated and independent sometimes come off a little strong and then men are intimidated.

 

I know this sounds totally sexist, and I don't mean at all that you should be someone that you're not. But as advanced as we'd like our society to be in gender equality, most men, still want to be the "men" in the relationship. Not that they think themselves superior to women, but that they are accustomed to being the pursuers and the more forward ones in a relationship.

 

Do you have any close male friends that would be game to talk to you about this? Or even go on mock dates with you to offer some insight to what you may be doing or saying that is causing these problems for you?

 

Why do we assume the OP is lacking somewhere. To me she sounds dynamic and a real catch. Could it be an issue with guys in general or those in her area?

 

OP. What type of guys do you find attractive, if we can maybe get some insight then maybe there is an inherent reason it doesn't work because I don't think the issue is you.

[Snow_Queen]

First response: When I mentioned I reciprocated, I meant I mimic their actions. So when they'd flirt, I'd flirt back. After two or three times of me reciprocating, they'd stop. My guess is they were having fun then realized it went farther than intended. In one guy's defense, he did tell me he had feelings but wasn't in a place in life to have a serious relationship. He was telling the truth about that and had nothing to do with me.

 

Unfortunately, it is very difficult for me to make friends with women. Most of them won't acknowledge me when I try to strike up a friendship. Therefore, I quit trying.

 

I think I'm pretty subtle in showing interest without being too subtle. Believe it or not, the only reason for initiating is because I've never been asked out before. Men simply don't approach me.

 

One guy friend has given me plenty of advice on men's behavior. He actually believes what you stated in regards to educated, successful women. Yes, I'm educated and make good money but I still have feelings. Why does this automatically rule me out? It's not fair but I can't make it fair, either.

 

He went on to say men want to be the only leader and a majority don't like women who don't need them to survive. I don't need a man but I want to be with one and need one emotionally. Does that not mean just as much? My friend said to never to alter my true self for anyone because there are guys out there who will love me. I just haven't found him yet.

 

Being more submissive is something I've tried but it hasn't worked. My education is another deal breaker for a majority, according to my guy friends. The funny thing is, I'm fairly submissive in nature yet assertive when need be. And, I try really hard to downplay my intelligence but it doesn't work very well.

[Snow_Queen]

OP. What type of guys do you find attractive, if we can maybe get some insight then maybe there is an inherent reason it doesn't work because I don't think the issue is you.

 

I honestly like the shy, quiet,"nerdy" type. I've always preferred the quieter guys but they'd usually turn me down. The rejection isn't limited to them as I've tried dating other types of men.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Snow_Queen

[oldshirt]

I don't know if I am buying off on this whole "men-want-to-be-in-charge" thing.

 

Many young men today have lost that level of assertion and initiative.

 

Couple that with the fact that many men aren't able to pick up on women's subtle signs of interest and what it boils down to is a lot of guys are well meaning but just simply clueless.

 

Many young men today have been raised in a world of political correctness and not to make women uncomfortable and not to be "that guy" and not to be as creeper, and so what happens is many men wait for women to make a move.

 

If what you are doing currently isn't working, my suggestion is to actually bump it up a couple notches and be more forward and assertive with the men you are interested in.

 

As long as there isn't something you're not telling us like you are morbidly obese or toothless or don't believe in showers or deodorant, there is no reason for men to be outright rejecting you if you ask them out.

 

Education, intelligence and financial responsibility are not turn offs and are not unattractive traits and are not the causes of your difficulties.

[AMJ]

Hey there Elsa,

 

You may not want to hear this advice, but you posted here for different opinions, right?

You sound a little bit entitled. I'm hearing "I am a perfect woman and mate, I've done everything I'm supposed to do to reel in the husband I want, but I'm not finding him and that's not fair" in your tone. You seem like a person who is used to getting their way in life, and now dating isn't going your way. I get where you're coming from, and I can get pretty whiny too when things don't go my way.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel disappointed about your situation, but I think you may be projecting a feeling of urgency to men you date- as in, I want to settle down, get married right now. Guys, feel free to chime in, but that's a huge no-no. Most men can pick up on that very easily and it's a turn-off. Even if the guy you're with is also interested in marriage eventually, appearing so desperate for it is off-putting.

 

You're doing everything else right, you have your life together and probably are a perfect woman and wife for someone. Just relax a little bit- or relax a lot- and let life happen for once. You can't control everything.

[basil67]

There's a lot here about your education, independence and on being attractive.

 

But what do you do for fun? What does your social life look like? Can you laugh at yourself? What's your sense of humour like? What are you passionate about?

[Snow_Queen]

Just going to clarify here. I hardly think feeling baffled after numerous rejections counts as feeling entitled. There is no since of urgency here. Besides, desire for rushing into marriage was never mentioned. That sounds like a terrible idea for everyone involved.

 

Another thing: I had very little opportunity in life given my background. I found a way to allow myself to have that chance for a decent life and worked very hard for everything. If anything I understand the value of things and that includes a meaningful relationship. All of the advice is appreciated and I think I have enough information to start with. Thanks.