Moving towards something healthy

[smile]

I am so tired of being so scared. I was ping ponging between two extremes... deal with things as they are and hope they get better OR walk away. Aaah but there is the glorious third option: TALK TO THE GUY. I know some of you suggested that but my brain was smashing around purely negative and positive.

 

We went to the movies today and as soon as the lights went off I started to cry. I couldnt stop.. not sobbing, just tears falling from my eyes. It felt like my heart was a sponge and there was enough pressure being put to it that it was causing liquid to rush from my eye sockets. Eeeew I know.

 

He noticed and asked if I wanted to leave and I said no. It went off and on during the film but I did thoroughly enjoy the movie. After the movie we wound up talking.

 

We decided that we are both in the same place. There are so many unresolved things. Its been a year and it still doesnt make sense. We broke up bc we weren't communicating and now we are, slowly. I am afraid of it and so is he. In different ways but the same way kinda.

 

He is worried bc he isnt all the way over everything yet. He is still in a headspace that freaks him out. He looked at me and said ... "what do you want from me?" and when I couldnt aswer he said "you know what you want, and you know I cant give it to you right now and that tears you up inside doesnt it?" He said "everytime we leave eachother you feel like I broke up with you all over again dont you?" I was speechless. How was I supposed to know he paid attention like that?

 

It wasnt angry or accusatory, there was a genuine sense of him being sorry. We talked about things and I said things to him I was too afraid to say. About him having unresolved issues about his mom ..and about me talking to his brother about that when we broke up. He was actually touched and happy that I did that. He said it showed that I cared about him.

 

Anyway I am afraid of it happening period. What if I mess it up again? What if it doesnt work out? What if I wind up losing him, this time forever?

 

He said he wanted to let go ... and that I needed to do that too. Then he said let go whatever that means. In my opinion we just need to let go of the previous relationship and move on to whatever this is. Then we stood outside and talked for 2 hours. About politics and EVERYTHING. We are going to Disneyland together.

 

But I told him I was so afraid of talking like this bc I dont know what he will say or do. He said I don't need to be afraid. Just talk when i need to and he will be there to listen. He doesnt want me to feel afraid to talk. So I said I was sorry for beign poopy and he said never ever apologize for how I feel, if I feel sad then I am sad and thats that ... NEVER apologize for that.

 

We held eachother for a long time. Then he gave me a big kiss on the forehead. I think I need to keep reminding myself that he isnt mentally stable right now. He asked if I really wanted him, he is a mess.. and I said to him when I look at you I dont see a messed up person, I see a normal guy who had some messed up things happen before he knew how to deal with it. Thats true , thats what I see.

 

I dont know what it means.. but seriously it feels good. If anything I have a fully honest and healthy relationship with someone I care about. He proved he cared about me by listening and communicating. He knows me so well and can sympathize with me. Godnight, I am off to count my blessings.

[brittani]

girl all i have to say is you are a very strong person dealing with this.

[upsetnhurt]

Unfortunately, in order to keep him in your life at the current time you are going to have to go through the hot and cold spells. He does not want to commit to you at this time, maybe never. Are you prepared to sacrifice your potential for meeting Mr. Right somewhere to stick around and be there for him whenever he needs?

[smile]

thanks to both of you. but since this post I have made some big changes. I took some time for myself. So I could answer those questions about what I am willing to take and what the odds are.

 

We havent talked in almost 3 weeks. Last week he called me everyday. I just needed some space so I never answered the phone. I have no idea if that was a spoiled kid acting out or him realizing how much he misses me. It was nothing important bc he never left a msg and txted me "where are you".

 

If you want you can read my most recent post about needing a fresh start. That has all the revelations I have come to in this time of having him really gone. Why break up with a girl if you dont want her to go away? DUH.

 

Anyway thats all. Thanks again.