free_radicals Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 So I'm looking for advice/opinions on whether my girlfriend and I should move in. I'm 33 and she's 34 and been together for 2.5 years. Our plans to move in have been in place for about 6 months, and June 1 is the day we're aiming for. However... I always knew she was more kinky than me, and knew in the back of my mind that this *may* be a problem later down the road. But I didn't know specifics as to what kind of kinky thing she likes or has been wanting to do. After a long talk about this the other day (upon my constant pressure that we need to talk about this before moving in to ensure sexual compatibility). This is what I learned: >She's been wanting to try things like spanking and being dominant to name a few for 7 years with her ex (which was not into these sorts of things at all, so they never tried it). >She feels "unfulfilled" at this point because she hasn't been able to do kinky things, and wants to at least try them, and do the ones she enjoys once in a while >After asking what if I'm not into some of the things she wants to do, she asked what I thought about her doing these things to others that are willing to pay (as a business, things like spanking, no sex) >She also wants to be dominant for non-sexual events, such as telling me to wash the dishes with my shirt off (If I agree to be dominated in such a way), and also asked how I feel if someone from outside comes and does these sorts of things that I'm not willing to do, as long as we all see each other as friends She says the ideal scenario is that she *doesn't* bring someone from outside, and that I enjoy doing these things with her. Now, I'm okay with lighter things like blindfolds and tying, but I really can't see myself liking some of the things she really wants to do. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue as we can start introducing things slowly, but both of our leases are up around the same time, an ideal situation for moving in. Of course we can extend our current leases for say 6 months rather than move in by June to see how the kinky stuff works out, but given the extensive problems here I need to move out anyway, and it will be a hassle to move yet again (if we decide to move in later) and I'll be in limbo deciding whether I should buy furniture. There's absolutely no other problems in our relationship- we "get" each other in just about every other way. I'm writing this obviously because I'm hesitant and I don't see us working out if she feels the need to do things to others and/or bringing in outsiders. So the question remains- take the plunge or postpone it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 This is a huge thing not to agree on. Basically, she's suggesting having sex with someone outside your relationship if you're not into the things she's into. She suggests this in a casual way, which indicates that not only has she thought about it, she will end up doing it whether you like it or not. If you're ok with this, then ok. But I'm thinking you're not going to be ok with it. I consider myself to be pretty open about sex but gotta tell you that I was only able to watch about 15 minutes of the Shades of Gray movie because it angered me. My point is, if you're not into that stuff -- being ordered around and treated like crap -- then you're never going to be. Not to mention all the other things that are just too much on the edge for most people. As hard as it is to face this, your relationship won't be able to withstand this hugely different point of view. Your viewpoints are just too far apart on the spectrum. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 I wouldn't consider it, even for a moment... “These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder Which, as they kiss, consume” ― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Don't move in. If you're not compatible then I'm unsure why you'd invest more into this relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Why live together before you try it out? Why not give it a go tomorrow & see how you feel about it....unless of course if you KNOW you'll never get into it (now & again). Sounds like just a fantasy of hers so far. She might not like it as much as she thinks she will. Be VERY clear where your boundaries are. No other people in your relationship ever! & whatever else you KNOW you don't want to try. It's not my thing...I think I'd laugh! I just wanted to throw out a different perspective. Truly? I think this relationship is doomed. I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 why are you tying in her sexual kinks and fantasies with moving in together? I'm not seeing how those two things are related. The real question is not whether you should cohabitate, but rather if this is a person you want to be in a serious relationship with at all. The issue is whether you have a future together or not. It's not whether you should cohabitate or not. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 I think the moving-in question skirts the core issue at hand - the two of you aren't sexually compatible. Whether or not sexual incompatibility is a good reason to break things up depends entirely on the degree of incompatibility and how important it is to both of you. But it's puzzling... how have both of you been together for 2.5 years and you are only NOW having an honest conversation about her sexual preferences? How have you not discussed this before? I personally think that if kink is very important to her and you don't enjoy it, and you are opposed to her exploring these things with other people, it would be best to part ways. This is not something that she can just push under the rug - if she's feeling unfulfilled it is very unlikely that both of you will ever be able to have a satisfying sexual R unless something changes. Of course, do not move in together until you resolve this. Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 It's kinda weird to me that you've been together for 2.5 years, presumably happily since there was a target date for moving in, and you are only now questioning whether or not you are sexually compatible. How did the conversation come up? Why did you get the sense that she was unfulfilled? No offense, but I wonder how much bias you are adding to the story. Is there a possibility you are putting some words in her mouth- ie pressing the points so hard you are hearing her say what you fear to be true? Or alternately- hearing what you want to hear, because you dont want to move in for whatever reason and are looking for an excuse? I just don't understand how this hasnt come up in the normal course of things/ why its coning up now. Hows your sex life from your perspective? With these doubts- no you should not move in - probably you shouldnt even be dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author free_radicals Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 The real question is not whether you should cohabitate, but rather if this is a person you want to be in a serious relationship with at all. The issue is whether you have a future together or not. It's not whether you should cohabitate or not. You are right. I suppose I'm assuming the relationship will work out as long as we take a step back and learn about our kinks first. I'm not writing off this relationship right now, but we're gonna have a talk this Friday about taking the time to learn about her kinks first before moving forward. Why not give it a go tomorrow & see how you feel about it.... Sounds like just a fantasy of hers so far. She might not like it as much as she thinks she will. Be VERY clear where your boundaries are. No other people in your relationship ever! & whatever else you KNOW you don't want to try. Well one day is not enough. I think slow introduction into things for people like me is important, not go full speed. Plus there's many things she wants to try out to do in one day. But you're right, she *doesn't* know if she will even like it, it's about her *trying out* what she's been wanting to, which I have no problem with. I think the moving-in question skirts the core issue at hand - the two of you aren't sexually compatible. But it's puzzling... how have both of you been together for 2.5 years and you are only NOW having an honest conversation about her sexual preferences? How have you not discussed this before? It was difficult for her to talk about out of fear for the relationship and shyness. I have been pushing her to open up and talk about it for probably 8 months, and just a few weeks ago she came to terms to open up, and the talk finally happened last weekend. What I'm thinking to do is postponing moving in for 6 months, learning about our kinks during that time period, then deciding if we should stay together and moving in. Again, she doesn't know what she will like or not like until we actually try things, so what she ends up liking in the end may very well be within my spectrum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 What I'm thinking to do is postponing moving in for 6 months, learning about our kinks during that time period, then deciding if we should stay together and moving in. Again, she doesn't know what she will like or not like until we actually try things, so what she ends up liking in the end may very well be within my spectrum. Sounds like a good plan! And I agree with you - when I finally had the chance to start experiencing my kinks, I found that while some of my fantasies were even better IRL, others turned out to be not as appealing as I'd imagined them to be. So if both you and she are totally new to this I second your decision to just play a bit together and see how things go. Make sure you have a talk about hard boundaries and safewords or safe-gestures first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DreamP Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 She doesn't have a kink. Not yet. She has fantasies and desires. Sounds like she hasn't even tried it yet. Also, people in these type of relationships only survive if they have clear communication. The fact you basically had to force the conversation after 2.5 years is not a good start. I know people in this lifestyle. I also know women who read 50 Shade of Gray and think that is kink and get turned on by it. I am guessing your girl-friend is the latter. 50 Shades is NOT how that lifestyle works. She has a lot of sexual maturing to do and your relationship still needs a lot of communication and growing. This could happen while you are cohabiting, but the fact you are questioning this moves implies it is not a good move right now. My suggestion: forgo the moving-in together. I know it's a pain, but extend your lease or move somewhere else. These are decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Read some of the other posts by people in relationships where they are not sexually compatible. In the whole scheme of things, this is a small nuisance. Explore this side of her sexuality. You may find you actually like it. She may find she actually don't like it or it OK with it being a very small part of her sex life. Set clear boundaries. Read some good books on it. Listed below are some recommended by my friends in the lifestyle who are also sex education professionals. Communication is the key to this lifestyle. The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton The New Bottome Book by Dossie Easton Being Sage by Kasi Alexander (this one is just fiction, but a fun read and depicts the realities within this lifestyle) Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Let's discuss what dating is for a moment. At it's core dating is spending time with someone and doing a variety of things with them to get to know each other and see if that person is "the one" that you want to marry and have a home and family with. Think of it as an interview and probationary process. If you don't know, then you continue to date and continue to get to know each other better until you can answer yes or no. If the answer ends up being no, you break it off and move on - no harm no foul. If the answer is yes, you propose marriage and lay out a life plan together and see if she accepts or not. In your situation, you have come to point in the road on a very critical and yet very basic component of a relationship. This calls for much evaluation and communication and getting to know each other more before making any other decisions about your future. This is what dating is for and about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 I think you need to have some more conversations and be willing to try some of these things if you want to stay with her. I have some BDSM fantasies of my own. I don't go into the extreme but I do want to try some things outside of vanilla. BF is into REALLY gentle sex. Over time I've been able to introduce some of this into our sex life and he's actually liked it. Not sure if it helps but I got BF into it by starting with really long, teasing BJs. I would make him extremely sensitive and bring him really close to an orgasm but I wouldn't let him finish. Sometimes I would do this for an hour or two. I'm not very dom (more sub) but now he doesn't hesitate to return the favor. He even holds me down and makes me beg for it now. Another story I'll share was another fantasy of mine - a threesome. I didn't like it as much as I thought I would. Watching sex IRL wasn't as good as porn to me. Your GF might like the thought of it more than doing it IRL. If everything else is good it's a bit premature IMO to assume you can't compromise and move forward. If you can't then it's not going to be much of a relationship and you two shouldn't move to the next level IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Just some practical advice here - you can move out into a new place that you both like, and have her extend the lease on her place. If you still want to move in together after the 6 month extension, she can move into your new place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author free_radicals Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Just some practical advice here - you can move out into a new place that you both like, and have her extend the lease on her place. If you still want to move in together after the 6 month extension, she can move into your new place. We want a three bedroom home to rent. I can't afford it on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 I know people in this lifestyle. I also know women who read 50 Shade of Gray and think that is kink and get turned on by it. I am guessing your girl-friend is the latter. OP's gf said she's been wanting to try it for seven years. Unless she's lying (which is a different matter entirely), that's before 50 Shades was even written. It's a bit presumptuous to assume that all women who want to try kink are inspired by 50 Shades. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 We want a three bedroom home to rent. I can't afford it on my own. Why are you unwilling to tell her no? Why keep seeing her when you've stated your not compatible? Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Whoa partner. 2.5 years and she's just now wanting to do her "kink" with you? So either she has never done these things with anybody and wants to experiment (read all three of the Grey novels?) or she's been sexually unsatisfied for 2.5 years. And hasn't told you. I suggest you ask her where she is on this spectrum. You don't want to find yourself in a three way relationship where you weren't given a say in whether that was acceptable to you. And you don't want to be posting here as yet another BS. Give her credit. At least she is finally speaking her mind....if she likes the kinky stuff and you don't, neither of you will be happy once the thrill,of living together has worn off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fawnlawn Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 >After asking what if I'm not into some of the things she wants to do, she asked what I thought about her doing these things to others that are willing to pay (as a business, things like spanking, no sex) I say to do a little experimenting. It may sound uncomfortable but you'll never really know how you feel until you try it. If you come to the conclusion that you sincerely dislike it, I say considering her being a dominatrix for pay is something to do. (I see it's mentioned that it would be physical punishments, not sex, so. . .) It's often very good paying, and if being in control helps her feel better about herself, what's the problem? Maybe you could even get in on it - maybe if you don't like being dominated, you'll like dominating. Nothing is wrong with a little play here and there. If she means a lot to you, just give it a go Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 The real question is not whether you should cohabitate, but rather if this is a person you want to be in a serious relationship with at all. The issue is whether you have a future together or not. It's not whether you should cohabitate or not. This is exactly right. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I've learned not to let circumstances dictate important decisions for me. The contingencies of a lease are a lot less important than the quality of and satisfaction in your relationship... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author free_radicals Posted April 7, 2016 Author Share Posted April 7, 2016 Thanks everyone. She's gonna extended her lease for 6 months and I'm moving in and try this out. If all is well, then we're moving into a rental home as originally planned. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 Now, I'm okay with lighter things like blindfolds and tying, but I really can't see myself liking some of the things she really wants to do. Have you addressed this with her ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author free_radicals Posted April 8, 2016 Author Share Posted April 8, 2016 Have you addressed this with her ??? Mr. Lucky Well in reality we don't know what we'll like or not. We got to try things out and see. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts