A True story and I think I have made the right choice

[heartwhole]

I know that his attention is flattering, but the idea that if you sleep with him, he might leave his fiancee for you is a very bad one. It's not hard to find a man who will sleep with you, married or not. It is hard to forge a quality relationship with somebody worthwhile. And this man is not a worthwhile prospect, engaged or not.

 

From what I've read, only about 10% of men will leave their current partners for the affair partner. Of those, a fraction will get married. Of that fraction, only a fraction will have a successful marriage that doesn't itself end in divorce. So . . . I would not take those odds. It's not even a 1% chance at lasting happiness.

[anyonecandoit]

I know that his attention is flattering, but the idea that if you sleep with him, he might leave his fiancee for you is a very bad one.

 

I know. His attention is just a sweet trap. But it has taken me so long to get out of it. I know that imagining he would leave his fiancee is just a fantasy. And I'm trying so hard to make myself calm down. I am putting myself all together. It just takes time. I won't involve with him in any case. No matter how many times I have cried over the phone with my best friend, I've always pretended that nothing has happened and I cared about nothing in the office. I must do that. I just need some support.

 

It's not hard to find a man who will sleep with you, married or not. It is hard to forge a quality relationship with somebody worthwhile.

 

This is why I don't just want to go out with some random person. I know the bottom line of myself. I know what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be. I have spent a lot of time learning new skills and setting up my business as well. The better I become, the stronger I will be. I think it's just that I'm so far away from my family and friends and I'm feeling so alienated. And it makes me so sensitive and vulnerable. I need a lot of support from myself and other people as well.

[whatatangledweb]

Have you ever spoken to this guy other than asking did he want to talk about it? Did you text, phone, email about feelings for each other? Why do you believe you had something with him? I am very confused.

[anyonecandoit]

I would say that I tried to explain but people would say it's my fantasy. I would say it is not my fantasy but nobody would believe in me. Anyway, just let it go. Right now when I'm out, I know he probably just wants to have some fun before he settles down but he is never serious. I pack up everything and I leave. I know tomorrow will be a better day for me and it definitely will be!

[13Hearts]

Thanks. I feel so bad for a long time and it has really taken me down! My best friend told me that you were such a strong person that nothing could have ever taken you down previously. I really don't want to see you like that.

 

Actually, I'm still not fully recovered but I'm trying very hard to.

 

Some guys are really messed up. Toxic. And being around them is toxic.

 

If you feel THIS bad, and have for years, having only seen him from a distance, can you imagine what would happen to you if you became close to him?

 

I say run, far away from this guy, and don't ever look back.

[13Hearts]

Basically what you have described is what has happened. But I cannot leave my job right now because of some visa issue. I have tried to find another job for a long time. I have even tried to leave this place as well. But I need this job right now to support my family. I just think I'm so humiliated by this. I really tried to stay as far as I can. I think I will have no hesitation to quit once the visa problem is solved.

 

Yes, this guy is a jerk. Even if today, he tried to approach if given opportunity. But I've put up a wall there that I don't think anyone could break it without any legit reason. This is a small place. I don't want everyone to talk about me some time in the future.

 

anyonecandoit,

I don't know where you are from, or where you are right now, maybe in the US? Our attitudes are different here than in other places. You should not be ashamed by this person's actions, and do not worry about what other people may incorrectly think about you. You are at work and as long as your boss is okay with your work, you don't need to explain anything to anyone. Just keep avoiding him, for your own sanity, and focus on doing a good job at work. There's a saying I like to use: "What other people think of me is none of my business."

[anyonecandoit]

Some guys are really messed up. Toxic. And being around them is toxic.

 

If you feel THIS bad, and have for years, having only seen him from a distance, can you imagine what would happen to you if you became close to him?

 

I say run, far away from this guy, and don't ever look back.

 

I talked with my parents about this(my family and friends are very close with me, it is just that they're far away from me physically. We can talk about anything). My dad says that thank god you haven't messed up with him. His fiancee is his high-school sweetheart. My dad says she would not leave him in any case based on current situation. Even if she knows that he has affair in marriage, she would not leave him, and her mom would not ask her to leave him as well. One reason is that she literally couldn't find a job that can cover herself up. If she breaks up with him now, she will go back to live in her mom's house. Secondly, she is physically unattractive. I don't mean to attack. But she is as tall as the average girl of ten-year-old. I was very shocked when I knew it as well.

 

But anyway, it has nothing to do with me. I wouldn't think that because she is what what what so I have the opportunity. Right now fact is fact. If I mess up with him, everyone will say I'm the other women. And I never ever want to have that reputation on myself. I have accomplished a lot of things in my life that I don't want this to destroy my life. Even if I remain single all my life time, I can enjoy my life peacefully and make everyday a better one.

 

Actually, I have tried to read a few posts on this forum these days. I have found a lot of these are so similar. It happens at work. It happens after marriage when you meet your soulmate. You try to devote your heart and soul to this man and are expecting that if you sacrifice more, he will go with you. But unfortunately, in the end, it is always that it is just a daydream. My best friend tells me that, if you are with him, you two are not equal. He has the choice to go back to his NORMAL relationship any time he wants, but can you? If you're trapped, this will be with you forever. This society is always more cruel to women when an affair happens. If the man goes back to his family and later they have a good public appearance, people will just forget about it and still say he is a good man. same doesn't go for a woman.

Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[anyonecandoit]

anyonecandoit,

I don't know where you are from, or where you are right now, maybe in the US? Our attitudes are different here than in other places. You should not be ashamed by this person's actions, and do not worry about what other people may incorrectly think about you. You are at work and as long as your boss is okay with your work, you don't need to explain anything to anyone. Just keep avoiding him, for your own sanity, and focus on doing a good job at work. There's a saying I like to use: "What other people think of me is none of my business."

 

Thank you so much! I'm a very hard-working person. I'm in a career that majority of the coworkers are men. And honestly speaking, it is very tough for me. To keep this job and to keep up, I need to study every single day. That's why I really don't have too much time to date actually. But it's OK. I love what I do and I think I will become an expert if I continue to work hard a few years down the road. That's why I don't want to give up my job.

[privategal]

Your wall might be a little too high with your other peers though.

Whatever happened with him is done, its your past. Its ok if you are hurting over it.

He paid attention to you when you were lonely and isolated and vulnerable and so you likely fell harder for him than you normally would in this situation as you needed someone.

So in order to suceed at work you should try harder to be friendly with the other colleagues, even if just very light or basic. Start with good morning, or bring a box of donuts one morning.

Smile more and greet people politely.

You dont have to associate every person with him and dont EVER discuss him at work as its no ones business, but just talk about work or the news or try and take notice of what they talk about and jump in here and there with a thoughtful comment. Show them your personality.

If you are never talking they may think you are a snob or dont want to be bothered so they ignore you too.

Be kind, even if they arent.

You need support and you might be surprised to find a good friend or two if you let down your wall a bit.

He is not everyone, if people got to know you a bit they can form their own opinion. If they ask about him to you, shrug and say I dont know, we dont associate or anything breif then change the subject.

I moved to a new city too and its SO LONELY. I was dying without friends.

I work in different offices everyday so its hard to make any.

Make a tiny effort and see how it goes.

Your doing just fine I think.

We will help you through this.

[anyonecandoit]

Your wall might be a little too high with your other peers though.

Whatever happened with him is done, its your past. Its ok if you are hurting over it.

He paid attention to you when you were lonely and isolated and vulnerable and so you likely fell harder for him than you normally would in this situation as you needed someone.

So in order to suceed at work you should try harder to be friendly with the other colleagues, even if just very light or basic. Start with good morning, or bring a box of donuts one morning.

Smile more and greet people politely.

You dont have to associate every person with him and dont EVER discuss him at work as its no ones business, but just talk about work or the news or try and take notice of what they talk about and jump in here and there with a thoughtful comment. Show them your personality.

If you are never talking they may think you are a snob or dont want to be bothered so they ignore you too.

Be kind, even if they arent.

You need support and you might be surprised to find a good friend or two if you let down your wall a bit.

He is not everyone, if people got to know you a bit they can form their own opinion. If they ask about him to you, shrug and say I dont know, we dont associate or anything breif then change the subject.

I moved to a new city too and its SO LONELY. I was dying without friends.

I work in different offices everyday so its hard to make any.

Make a tiny effort and see how it goes.

Your doing just fine I think.

We will help you through this.

 

You have such a good point here! I think my wall is too high right now!!! I know a lot of people in the team are ignoring me now. But I have no choice here:mad:. He is a much stronger person than I am, expertise wise, money wise and talk wise. Firstly, English is not my first language. Secondly, he is in a high level in the company that the company needs him much more than they need me. I'm just a junior level. Even if I will become an expert later, it takes time. Thirdly, honestly speaking, I need the money to survive right now, but he doesn't.

 

Actually, when I asked him whether he would like to talk about it. He talked to his good buddy in the office(which is also at a high level and he knows about it as well). I think it's that person gave him that idea that if I would like to talk, talk to HR. That person is good friend with the HR so in any case, how stupid I'm that I'm willing to talk to HR? Then I said I didn't want to talk to HR, if you think this is not anything significant, it is just my misunderstanding. But then later, he said that he would want to talk with me, without the HR present, but the HR will know that we talked! WTF, for god's sake why do I need to talk to you if you've already said that! Later last year, I took a vacation for a long time and when I came back, he seemed missing me so much and I can see the eager(or lust) in his eyes to get close to me(which I mean probably for sex only), but I walked away completely.

[privategal]

You have such a good point here! I think my wall is too high right now!!! I know a lot of people in the team are ignoring me now. But I have no choice here:mad:. He is a much stronger person than I am, expertise wise, money wise and talk wise. Firstly, English is not my first language. Secondly, he is in a high level in the company that the company needs him much more than they need me. I'm just a junior level. Even if I will become an expert later, it takes time. Thirdly, honestly speaking, I need the money to survive right now, but he doesn't.

 

Actually, when I asked him whether he would like to talk about it. He talked to his good buddy in the office(which is also at a high level and he knows about it as well). I think it's that person gave him that idea that if I would like to talk, talk to HR. That person is good friend with the HR so in any case, how stupid I'm that I'm willing to talk to HR? Then I said I didn't want to talk to HR, if you think this is not anything significant, it is just my misunderstanding. But then later, he said that he would want to talk with me, without the HR present, but the HR will know that we talked! WTF, for god's sake why do I need to talk to you if you've already said that! Later last year, I took a vacation for a long time and when I came back, he seemed missing me so much and I can see the eager(or lust) in his eyes to get close to me(which I mean probably for sex only), but I walked away completely.

 

Its wouldnt have anything to do with him if you were more polite and friendly in the office. You dont have to let small friendly talk have anything to do with him or let it be associated with him or the situation. Just be kind. To everyone.

As for him, Im glad you were able to walk away after your vacation.

Whatever happened with him is now over. You have the right to feel hurt and upset you are normal. But I think you can now take some small steps to let yourself out of this "prison" with these walls.

You are free to be you. You cant get in trouble for being polite. You can still be very professional while still being polite.

If someone brings you work or an assignment ask a few more questions or try to learn more.

In other words do not associate everything you do there with him.

You are free of him.

Try to stop noticing him.

At lunch take a walk and read or play music in headphones and call home or dream.

This was actually good that it happened, it was a learning experience, you learned some men could be cold or cruel or take advantage. Not all men but some.

Now you can move forward and bw stronger.

Dont feel bad or let this hold you back.

Keep smiling. Forget him. Try to look only at who you are and if you want to smile or talk or learn, go ahead.

Those are positive things to do and its necessary to make polite connections at work so people will know you and help you. Everything is ok now.

[anyonecandoit]

Its wouldnt have anything to do with him if you were more polite and friendly in the office. You dont have to let small friendly talk have anything to do with him or let it be associated with him or the situation. Just be kind. To everyone.

As for him, Im glad you were able to walk away after your vacation.

Whatever happened with him is now over. You have the right to feel hurt and upset you are normal. But I think you can now take some small steps to let yourself out of this "prison" with these walls.

You are free to be you. You cant get in trouble for being polite. You can still be very professional while still being polite.

If someone brings you work or an assignment ask a few more questions or try to learn more.

In other words do not associate everything you do there with him.

You are free of him.

Try to stop noticing him.

At lunch take a walk and read or play music in headphones and call home or dream.

This was actually good that it happened, it was a learning experience, you learned some men could be cold or cruel or take advantage. Not all men but some.

Now you can move forward and bw stronger.

Dont feel bad or let this hold you back.

Keep smiling. Forget him. Try to look only at who you are and if you want to smile or talk or learn, go ahead.

Those are positive things to do and its necessary to make polite connections at work so people will know you and help you. Everything is ok now.

 

Thanks so much for your words! I will take your advice to gradually break the walls! It has been hard!

 

Actually, we are in different teams. We don't work with each other directly. Right now because of the org change, we don't even belong to the same big org. I'm still trying to be a nice person to the people in my team. It's just that I keep the people in his team out of the door! And I have reason for that. I have more details.

 

Previously other people ask why you think this is not your fantasy? It seems that I'm making no sense. Right now I'm trying to put things together and trying to make sense. The reason I think he is definitely interested in me is that, 1) at lunch, he will always find a seat near me and as soon as he finishes his lunch, he will just stare at me and smile. Yes, I mean almost everyday; 2) if you come out of women's bathroom and see a man is staring at you until you leave, it is hard to not pay attention; 3) you will notice that a man is trying to find whatever reason to get close to you, to know you more, to ask the people in his team to get close to me to know what I like, what I'm doing over the weekend, what are my hobbies, what's my favorite restaurant. And also to get close to the people in my team as well. And I have many more details. If a man acts like this, and I think this man is interested in me more than a normal friend, is this my fantasy or not?

 

OK, back to the question why I keep the people in his team out of the door. There is such a gossip girl in his team! She knows everything from the very beginning. Actually, I think this guy is quite hesitating about whether he should move forward(I think he still has very hard time to decide to leave his fiancee). And I think his good buddy probably asked him to stop acting like this as well, because literally, this is not right. And this is definitely not right in the office. But this girl, I think either because she is too young and too naive, or because she just wants to do this on purpose and want to gossip, she is pushing him to break the boundary. And she is one of the biggest reason that most of the people in his team know this.

 

I think I have been a very honest person so far in this. I almost kept silent about all these in the office, meaning nobody in my team knows about this. But he is letting everyone in his team know this, which makes me very angry. What does he mean? What does he try to do? And he is trying to act over all the places that I'm such a bad person to break his heart and make him sad! But actually, I think I have done the right thing.

 

Btw, if a man has been in a relationship with a girl for more than 10 years and has been living with her since the beginning of this relationship, he doesn't even know that he needs to marry her as soon as possible and start a family and have kids? I don't have the same culture as American culture. But I do feel the problem in their relationship is definitely not me.

 

Anyway, I think your advice is very good. I do need to break the walls and let myself feel more relaxed in the office. I need to take it easy. Even it's his fault, it's not everyone's fault.

[privategal]

I dont think you imagined it, he has done it, he has stared and gotten close and probably gossiped about it.

And basically, who cares.

Thats how many women here got involved, they fell for it, then the man dropped them, continued on with his marriage, and they dont speak at work and everyone is in pain.

Many times the wife or girlfriend found out too.

No matter what, people love to gossip about everyone and everything.

One day its you, the next its something else.

Its not personal to you, they do it about everyone.

You can stop worrying what they think of you. Keep working hard, keep smiling, this guy wouldnt be worth it even if he was single, he'd cheat on you too.

Let them talk, you're too focused on them. Life is too short.

Smile and be proud of yourself, it takes alot of strength to move away and work in a hard job. Celebrate yourself.

One day you will achieve your goals and will have a new job and look back on this time and wish you had enjoyed it more. Do not eat lunch in the office.

My office hour I go outside or to my car, or on a walk, or to a cafe. Its your time to escape. Do that.

[13Hearts]

He sounds like a creep!

[anyonecandoit]

More details about this whole thing.

 

Timeline:

-- He started paying attention to me at the beginning of last year. I know it since then. But I pretended that I didn't know it. I was hesitating(I didn't know anything about him then, whether he is rich or whether he has girlfriend. I was just hesitating whether I should respond to a coworker like that).

-- In February, because of such sweet temptation, I didn't hold myself. I fell for it. I started having eye contact with him and noticing him as well.

-- In April, I discovered that he has girlfriend(they haven't been engaged then. I will cover that later.) And they're living together.

-- Two weeks after I know that he has girlfriend, I decided that I should keep distance from this guy and I started doing it as well(I'm not God. I'm a human being so that I could not say I discovered that he had girlfriend yesterday and then started keeping distance from him tomorrow).

-- After I stopped reacting to what he was doing, he became crazy. He tried to approach in a lot of ways, but I was not like previously.

-- A while later(several months), I got to know that he got engaged to his girlfriend. At the same time, I know that they have been dating since the last year of high school. They went to the same college and they have been living together since they went to college(I didn't know anything about this previously). I was very devastated at that time.

-- The time I know he is a rich guy is two months after his engagement.

 

Several stories in more detail along the way:

1. After I know that he has girlfriend and has started to keep distance from him but before their engagement, he is still trying to get close to me very desperately. But then I noticed something. They have a friend that will have a wedding in two weeks. And I have found some wedding photos after the wedding through Facebook(yes, I'm a stalker back then. I admitted it and I think I have some reason although they're not that legit). Someone posted hundreds of photos on a website link outside of Facebook and I see it. In several photos, I see him see her with such caring eyes like he looked into my eyes in the office. And in some other photos, he is dancing with her so happily. I was very very sad and disappointed at that time.

 

2. This happens before the engagement as well. Our company has a party. The party is held in a place that is 2 hours away from the place where we work. But the company provides shuttle for us. He took that day off. I thought he would not come to the party and thought that was OK, because I will not need to worry about anything that I can just stay happy on the party with my co-workers. Then in the evening, he came. He drove his own car. And in the party, he just keeps a certain distance from me that is not far from me and I'm always within his eyesight. At that moment, I feel so warm in my heart and I almost regretted making the decision to keep distance from him. But then when I found out what he has done in the day, I was so pissed off. A few days later, I found out through Facebook that in that day, he was celebrating his girlfriend's(her niece) birthday. And in the photos, he, his girlfriend and their family look like such a good family. Then my heart sank to the bottom. Is that what I'm going to have if I fall for him. Is it always that his family, her family comes first, and when he thinks he is missing me, he will just come and stop by? When thinking about this, I become angry.

 

3. The time when I wanted to talk to him about this whole thing. You know, before that, even after his engagement, he seemed to be so nice, always smiling and always humble in front of me. But then just after I send him a message that I would like to talk to him. I see such a twisted and upset face as ugly as a monster!!! He became so pissed off and his face was trying to tell me, "What the hell? What do you want to do? You want to break my life? You think I'm serious about you? You think I'm serious about the relationship between you and me? I just want to have some fun at work because I think it is too boring!" I know it is his reaction at that time that has turned my heart into stone. After I see it, I decided that I really only had one choice -- pack up all my emotion and go! JUST GO!!!!!!

 

When you guys see this, you might think that I'm too sensitive and too emotional. I'm trying to make things out of nothing. If you really think the whole thing is like that, then it is probably that I'm a lunatic.

 

After that, I truly kept my promise. I stopped going to lunch in the cafe. I stopped going to the bathroom on that floor and take the stairs to go to bathroom on a different floor. Every time when I think I miss him, the pictures of his smiling face and his twisted ugly face will just be like movie playing in my head. And then I tell myself, "Darling, leave and move on! You will never win!"

 

OK, to say why I think his girlfriend and her mom later knows about this. His girlfriend used to post things on her Facebook about my culture, food, activities, etc(I don't think this has anything to do with me. It is just accidental.) Then one day, I noticed that everything related to my culture is gone. And instead, all her public pictures have changed to their sweet moments they used to have in the past. Is this accidental or am I too sensitive? But still, I think her family has decided that she will marry him no matter what.

 

Some people might ask why you still have feelings. I actually think I'm at the second stage of leaving him. The first stage -- the most painful days that I know he got engaged and he showed his real answer to my message, has gone. I have gone through that painful stage and come to life again. But right now it is the second stage(it's really hard, I promise! I'm a human being!) I still think there is emptyness in my heart. I feel hurt. I feel sad.

 

All the sadness, the anger, the insecurity, the desperation and the devastation, I could only eat them and consume inside my stomach. I cannot bother my parents and my best friend everyday(I used to but now I don't think I still should).

 

At last, still, I believe, I should go. And never come back.

[privategal]

Yes, just go.

Dont ever look back.

[anyonecandoit]

Yes, just go.

Dont ever look back.

 

I will. It just takes some time. I have been very hard on myself and I should continue doing that. I just need more time, support and hugs! It's such a lonely road!

 

My best friend told me, they have been together for more than ten years now and have known each other for about 15 years now. How easy is it to break up even if it becomes real? It will probably take that long for him to completely forget her in his life even if he decides to do that. Even after they break up, their friends circle, family circle, if they ask him out alone for a dinner or for a drink and they still try to reconcile, how will I feel?

Edited April 2, 2016 by anyonecandoit
more details