Ex wants to meet for lunch?

[Confused9999]

This is a long story but I will try and summarize.

 

On and off relationship for 1.5 years but very intense and hot!

Last summer she gave me an ultimatum that I need to commit or she will move on.

I didn't commit and she started seeing someone else. However we were still seeing each other at the same time.

Then around October her new boyfriend found out that she was still talking to me and freaked. We stopped talking and went NC.

 

About 1.5 months ago we started texting again on and off and met 2 times for coffee. I told her I would like to continue how we were but she said she is happy in her new relationship and doesn't want anything and wants to remain friends.

 

Now she texts me and wants to have lunch.

 

What is your opinion?

She is obviously risking seeing me...Does she really want to be only friends?

Or do you think she wants more?

[sandylee1]

Don't go to lunch with her.

 

Just let it remain in the past ... or ask her why she wants to meet when her BF got upset last time.

[jen1447]

She probably wants to be both just friends AND more than just friends. We're complicated that way.

[Confused9999]

I am ok to be friends with benefits ... That's what we were even after she started seeing the new bf.

 

I am trying to gauge whether that is what she is after.

I don't see her risking all this just to be a buddy?!?!? I assuming she still has feeling for me

[jen1447]

The point is it could be either, and she might just be feeling it out now. I don't know her obvs but it seems quite possible to me she's telling herself she wants to be your friend while feeling like she'd like more and intends to find out which side wins out at lunch. If it's 'friends,' then she can give you the cold shoulder and still rationalize that's what it was all along, and if it's 'more' she can just say "sh-- happens" or that she was trying to find that out anyway.

 

Either way in this scenario you're bscly just a piece of meat. If you're ok w/that, fine. Or it could be all she really wants is friendship indeed, but that seems less likely to me due to the overall shadiness of it involving her current BF. (I'm guessing she's not telling him she's going to lunch w/her ex.)

[TaraMaiden2]

I think she's more curious to see whether you still have feelings for her.

In any case, I know you must be greatly tempted, but honestly, this is going to create a mixed up situation and mess with your head.

 

I would really, strongly advise that you avoid temptation, but neatly side-step the chaos that will ensue, or this dysfunction will run and run.

Do NOT meet up with her for lunch.

It's juat asking for trouble.

 

Honestly.

 

Why stir the doo-doo pot...??

[Confused9999]

I think she's more curious to see whether you still have feelings for her.

In any case, I know you must be greatly tempted, but honestly, this is going to create a mixed up situation and mess with your head.

 

I would really, strongly advise that you avoid temptation, but neatly side-step the chaos that will ensue, or this dysfunction will run and run.

Do NOT meet up with her for lunch.

It's juat asking for trouble.

 

Honestly.

 

Why stir the doo-doo pot...??

 

 

 

I hear you!

She knows I have feelings since I told her before that I want to continue a FWB with her. Therefore she knows my intentions already.

 

But the sex was really hot! Hard to give that up...

 

However I don't want to be jerked around and if I try I don't want to be rejected.

 

To jen1447 point I can GUARANTEE her BF does not know we are talking let alone about to have lunch!

 

Is there any scenario that she thinks in her mind that going to lunch with me is purely platonic????

Edited March 30, 2016 by Confused9999

[jen1447]

To jen1447 point I can GUARANTEE her BF does not know we are talking let alone about to have lunch!

 

Is there any scenario that she thinks in her mind that going to lunch with me is purely platonic????

 

Yes - if she decides at lunch that she doesn't want to sleep w/you.

[Confused9999]

Yes - if she decides at lunch that she doesn't want to sleep w/you.

 

 

Hey I'm not saying that if we have lunch its garanteed we are going to sleep with each other.

But I am saying that based on the history and circumstances if I go to lunch I don't expect to be friends just catching up.

 

 

That's why I am asking and seeing what you guys think is running in her head.

[Alamo657]

I am ok to be friends with benefits ... That's what we were even after she started seeing the new bf.

 

I am trying to gauge whether that is what she is after.

I don't see her risking all this just to be a buddy?!?!? I assuming she still has feeling for me

 

Correction, after she "was with her bf" you stopped being friends with benefits, she became a cheater and you the other man.

 

If you want to be part of such arrangements, that's your problem.

[Confused9999]

Correction, after she "was with her bf" you stopped being friends with benefits, she became a cheater and you the other man.

 

If you want to be part of such arrangements, that's your problem.

 

Ok but the way i see it that's her problem not mine.

 

So back to my original question.

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok but the way i see it that's her problem not mine.

 

So back to my original question.

 

It IS your problem insofar as you are considering resuming a liaison with her behind her Bf's back.

The consensus of opinion is that you decline the invitation, and not meet with her.

 

Ever.

[Confused9999]

So I had lunch...

 

It actually felt very platonic... There was no sexual or other innuendo.

Kind of odd. Maybe she just wanted to be friends...

 

Only strange thing is at the end we hugged and she gave me a kiss on the lips. Just a peck.. Nothing sexual but I didn't expect that.

We also discussed doing another lunch..

 

I don't get it...

Edited March 31, 2016 by Confused9999

[bathtub-row]

I think she's trying to reel you back in slowly. Did she say whether she's still with the bf or not?

[Jersey born raised]

I think this is what you are

 

 

 

A player:

 

Thus was posted by a player who posted this

 

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

findingmyway is offline Forward Message*

[Jersey born raised]

And this is how I would view you if we meant

 

 

Who is the other person*

 

There are moments in a persons life that transcends time. That emotion on the day of and day after their wedding, the birth of a child and that first moment me holding the child. They inform us, they are not what makes life worth living, they are life.

 

In the same way, adultery has transformed me. The echoes of the uncertainties and raw emotional pain will always be a part of me. Overtime it has and continues to evolve into a source of empathy. The empathy that enables me to understand others pain and fear, both in matters like this and others.*

 

*posm are not nice people. They had a choice to support *your marriage. *They could have helped your spouse to fight and win to save your marriage. They choose to use the opportunity to try to fill a void in their life. In doing so tey choose to inflict the pain and loss I wrote above.*

 

Understand they choose to be the one. To say "if not him, then..." does not work. They *choose it to be them and no one else. In this they *are *lacking in character. So, they could be a fine person, *but so are addicts until they need a fix.

 

So what is, is. I have gained acceptance, I have greatly healed. I have gain empathy and awareness, and a great deal of indifference. It is from indifference I say "no they are not a nice person". *It is from the same place I would comment on a persons second DUI. No when a person allows there own weakness to create actual harm or create a real threat of harm, they cannot be truly be considered a nice person

 

Finally I have no problem raining on a Posm parade. You do I have the right to live as you see fit, but I have a right to react as I see fit.

[Confused9999]

And this is how I would view you if we meant

 

 

Who is the other person*

 

There are moments in a persons life that transcends time. That emotion on the day of and day after their wedding, the birth of a child and that first moment me holding the child. They inform us, they are not what makes life worth living, they are life.

 

In the same way, adultery has transformed me. The echoes of the uncertainties and raw emotional pain will always be a part of me. Overtime it has and continues to evolve into a source of empathy. The empathy that enables me to understand others pain and fear, both in matters like this and others.*

 

*posm are not nice people. They had a choice to support *your marriage. *They could have helped your spouse to fight and win to save your marriage. They choose to use the opportunity to try to fill a void in their life. In doing so tey choose to inflict the pain and loss I wrote above.*

 

Understand they choose to be the one. To say "if not him, then..." does not work. They *choose it to be them and no one else. In this they *are *lacking in character. So, they could be a fine person, *but so are addicts until they need a fix.

 

So what is, is. I have gained acceptance, I have greatly healed. I have gain empathy and awareness, and a great deal of indifference. It is from indifference I say "no they are not a nice person". *It is from the same place I would comment on a persons second DUI. No when a person allows there own weakness to create actual harm or create a real threat of harm, they cannot be truly be considered a nice person

 

Finally I have no problem raining on a Posm parade. You do I have the right to live as you see fit, but I have a right to react as I see fit.

 

 

 

You don't know anything about me or the previous relationship I had with this women or whether I am in a relationship now.

 

I am not looking for moral restitution or opinions from people that think they are a moral authority, especially if they have not been saints themselves.

 

You live and let live. That is not your business to judge others.

Edited March 31, 2016 by Confused9999

[kendahke]

 

Now she texts me and wants to have lunch.

 

What is your opinion?

She is obviously risking seeing me...Does she really want to be only friends?

Or do you think she wants more?

 

You should have asked her why she wants to have lunch with you and that anything she needed to say at lunch she could right now on the phone. That way, she either tells you that she's still involved with the guy and is cheating on him by sniffing in behind you or she's broken up with him, has resolved the end of that relationship and is ready to move on.

 

That is information you need to know before you set foot in any restaurant with her.

[kendahke]

You don't know anything about me or the previous relationship I had with this women or whether I am in a relationship now.

 

I am not looking for moral restitution or opinions from people that think they are a moral authority, especially if they have not been saints themselves.

 

You live and let live. That is not your business to judge others.

 

You're on a public message board. Anyone is going to weigh in with what they think, especially when you specifically asked:

What is your opinion?

 

What's the status of her boyfriend?

 

You say he doesn't know you two met for lunch---you don't know who on the street saw you two in there that may know him. See, it's when one is confident in their deception that the rug gets pulled out from under them.

[Confused9999]

You're on a public message board. Anyone is going to weigh in with what they think, especially when you specifically asked:

 

 

What's the status of her boyfriend?

 

You say he doesn't know you two met for lunch---you don't know who on the street saw you two in there that may know him. See, it's when one is confident in their deception that the rug gets pulled out from under them.

 

 

I asked for opinions on the specific situation and my specific questions.

I did not ask to be judged by someone who thinks they are a moral authority and thinks they know everything about me and our relationship after 5 posts on a forum!

 

 

Now regarding your other question...

She is still with her BF.. Nothing has changed as far as I can tell. We did not talk much about that.

But on the other hand... We did absolutely nothing inappropriate... Even if someone saw us there was nothing to see!

 

I am not being coy.. I think it was platonic in nature.. And just surprised at that and now quite confused.

 

Can she miss our friendship so much that she would want to see me and text me behind BF back.

I just can't accept that is her only motive... I may be wrong but I don't buy it!

Edited March 31, 2016 by Confused9999

[Confused9999]

I have decided to go NC.. But I am still wondering what that whole thing was about?!?!

 

So does anyone have any further insite?

[jen1447]

I have decided to go NC.. But I am still wondering what that whole thing was about?!?!

 

So does anyone have any further insite?

 

Nope, just my old insight.

[Confused9999]

Nope, just my old insight.

 

Meaning she is scoping it out too see if she wants to go further?

 

I think she has internal turmoil. She wants me but cannot say that since she is with her BF. So she is willing to risk seeing "as friends" in her rational mind... If it happens then it was meant to be since she did not "initiate or want to do anything"

 

That is the only "logical" explanation... Then again nothing in this is logical!