Struggling to move on

[Sara16]

Hi all.

 

Me and my partner have been together 3 years tomorrow I'm 35 he's 43. He left me 3 weeks ago saying that he was fed up and his head was a mess he didn't know weather he wanted us to stay together or to live on his own. Prior to that we have always been ok but he has always been quite boring tho it's me that arranges holidays or days out he rarely shows interest in doing anything. He just wants to sit at home everyday he will come some places with me bit looks miserable.

 

If I'm working and he's at home with my boys he will not interact with them or take them out they are all in seperate rooms. He moans he has to clean on his day off while im at work and wants to just play on his playstation or watch movies. He moans he dont get time to himself but because i work 72 hrs a week he works too so we hardly see each other. The time i get with him i just want us to do something together. we argue about this and I always say to him why don't u take me out and why don't you interact with the boys but he won't talk to me when im trying to talk to him there is no responce it's frustrating.

 

Sex is a no with him he's always saying no why I'm trying to do anything with him and have to wait till he's in the mood he sleeps facing the other way and if I ask him to cuddle up he moans. He also puts the quilt in between us or lays on his tummy so I can't touch him. We argue over that too.

 

Sometimes he can be ok we have a laugh but other times its so dull. I came in from work 3 weeks ago and could se he was fed up so I went to hug him he sed no and that he didn't wnt to be about so I told him to leave thinking that he would then realise and stay but he went and hasn't come back. I have asked him everyday for 3 weeks to come home I'll be there for him he's got everything I do everything for him and I've brought him everything he ever wanted but he said it isn't me he doesn't know what he's feeling.

 

Sometimes hes happy and we have a good day and sometimes hes miserable.I booked up a trip last year for our anniversary last year and told him to still go away with me so we can talk but he said he didn't want to go and I've lost the trip.

 

Yesterday he text saying he still doesn't know where his head is at he says he has been used to living alone and likes his independence and that he didn't wanna hurt me but it's a no win situation at the mo. So now I have now gone no contact wit him as it's draining me out.

 

People have told me they have seen him at pubs and he wouldn't go out with me and that's upsetting. I don't know what to do I love him but I can't keep waiting.

 

He worked in france when he was 20 years old and we went away last month for a trip. When he came back he said he has missed france and has been trying to contact people who he hasn't been in contact with in years to go back to live. I said to him he shouldn't throw what we have away for this but I just don't know.

 

He helps with bills and treats me to things he told me he lived me everyday and would bring flowrrs when he came from work but I just don't know what's wrong with him. I haven't text him now for 2 days it's our anniversary tomoz I ain't heard from him either going to see if no contact works.

Edited March 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Steven1]

Sounds a bit like he's hit that mid way crisis to be honest. Think from what you are saying about the situation it seems as though he just doesn't want to be in a relationship, or that this relationship to him isn't what he thought it would be or what it used to be. Could also sound like he is suffering from depression. Often wanting to confine yourself to the home and not interact with anyone is a sign of depression (it was for me).

 

I think as well he's put the writing on the wall. He likes his own company and obviously sounds like he has regrets over the past (France etc). As hard as it is it sounds as though he isn't going to come back to the relationship. I could be wrong but I think he knows in his mind he isn't going to be committed to the relationship and isn't going to be able to offer you the type of relationship you want.

[Zahara]

I said to him he shouldn't throw what we have away for this but I just don't know.

 

Throw what away? Let's list your relationship as you detailed:

 

- he has always been quite boring

- it's me that arranges holidays or days out

- he rarely shows interest in doing anything

- he just wants to sit at home everyday

- he will come some places with me bit looks miserable

- he's at home with my boys he will not interact with them or take them out - - he moans he has to clean on his day off while im at work

- he wants to just play on his playstation or watch movies.

- he moans he dont get time to himself

- the time i get with him i just want us to do something together. we argue about this

- I always say to him why don't u take me out and why don't you interact with the boys but he won't talk to me

- sex is a no with him he's always saying no

- have to wait till he's in the mood

- he sleeps facing the other way

- if I ask him to cuddle up he moans

- he also puts the quilt in between us or lays on his tummy so I can't touch him. We argue over that too.

 

 

I have asked him everyday for 3 weeks to come home I'll be there for him he's got everything I do everything for him and I've brought him everything he ever wanted but he said it isn't me he doesn't know what he's feeling.

 

Stop being a doormat. Coddling him like a child. Bending over backwards for him while he does nothing to provide you or your boys any happiness. Maybe he is suffering from depression but that's his responsibility to figure out and maybe you can suggest that to him that he needs help but your relationship from the start has been unfulfilling.

 

Let him go. You really believe you can't do better than this? What are you teaching your boys?

[Sara16]

Hi all.

 

I split with my partner nearly 4 weeks ago now and I'm really struggling now he's gone. He left cus he said he was fed up but didn't know why or what was causing the feelings he was getting. We were together for 3 years living together. I still don't know why he feels this way and he won't talk or meet me. Every single day I text him asking him to come home. Reminding him of what he has and how we can be happy. But he says he doesn't think he can come bk and that's it's not me it's just how he's feeling but he wishes he could change things. I keep telling him fine it's over I'll move on but then a few hours later I'm texting him I love him and want him back. This is so hard for me I've been so used to him being with me and now he's gone I can't cope. I went away thinking a change would do me good but all I thought about was him. I've thought about going no contact but I don't think it would work. I just want him back miss him everyday and the hurting doesn't stop especially not knowing why he's gone and the fact he won't see me to talk. 4 weeks ago we were together and happy and he's telling me he loves me and now he doesn't answer my calls or texts and wont come home and i don't know why. What can I do?

[Steven1]

I don't think there's any more you can do from what you have. If he has moved out and you've texted him, called him, and he still has the same answers for you, then really all you can do is to try and move on. Best to try and go no contact as well as he knows every time you say it's over that you will call or text him a few hours later.

 

He may get back in touch with you explaining why or he may not, but from the sounds of it it looks as though for now his mind is elsewhere and that won't change in the time being.

[Zahara]

4 weeks ago we were together and happy and he's telling me he loves me and now he doesn't answer my calls or texts and wont come home and i don't know why. What can I do?

 

You were happy? I'm reminding you of the reality of your relationship with him. You're romanticizing it. It's normal for you to feel pain and discomfort now that he is gone but it doesn't justify you ignoring the fact that he hasn't been a good partner nor have you been in a fulfilling relationship. If he is depressed as mentioned in your other thread, then it's his responsibility to seek help. You need to block him and start detaching yourself from him. The next time you think of chasing him, remind yourself of what you actually had with him rather than settling for him because you're afraid to be alone. You have kids -- focus your energy on them.

 

Honestly, it doesn't look like he is emotionally invested in you anymore.

 

- he has always been quite boring

- it's me that arranges holidays or days out

- he rarely shows interest in doing anything

- he just wants to sit at home everyday

- he will come some places with me bit looks miserable

- he's at home with my boys he will not interact with them or take them out - - he moans he has to clean on his day off while im at work

- he wants to just play on his playstation or watch movies.

- he moans he dont get time to himself

- the time i get with him i just want us to do something together. we argue about this

- I always say to him why don't u take me out and why don't you interact with the boys but he won't talk to me

- sex is a no with him he's always saying no

- have to wait till he's in the mood

- he sleeps facing the other way

- if I ask him to cuddle up he moans

- he also puts the quilt in between us or lays on his tummy so I can't touch him. We argue over that too.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Zahara

[LovelyJoey]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening, but I don't believe you've done anything wrong, never feel it's ever your fault. Sounds like to me, if what Zahara got from your other post is true, he's the problem. He doesn't sound like someone who is worth your time since you've been trying your best to fix things while he doesn't seem to care anymore. You say you have kids and other important things going on in life, I know it's hard and it hurts, it's the worst pain undescribable, but it will get better. He doesn't sound like someone worth trying to go after again and again if you've honestly tried your best and he's really that unresponsive. I know it's not fair and hurts and you can't get him off of your mind, believe me I know, but you're a great caring loving person towards him, sometimes you have to let go of what you want to do what's right. If he wants to leave, after all that you've done for him, it's his loss, and he's the wrong one here not being with his kids much either. Best of luck and stay strong, you can find someone else soo much better than him who truly will love you as much as you love him and give you the love you deserve. Best of luck and stay strong, have a nice day.

[Satu]

I think you deserve better.

 

Much better.

[Sara16]

Thanks for your advice it's true I need to let him go he wasn't for filling for me and my boys in this relationship I don't know why I feel so upset maybe cus I've always been with him I worked with him too so seeing him all the time then to nothing is hard. I've left my job now and I have deleted his numbers so I'm not tempted to text. I have a new job next week I'm going to try so hard. I was looking through texts just before he left and the day after he left and he was telling me he loved me everyday and it's gone front that to this I don't get it. But yea I'm going to try and move on.

[Zahara]

Thanks for your advice it's true I need to let him go he wasn't for filling for me and my boys in this relationship I don't know why I feel so upset maybe cus I've always been with him I worked with him too so seeing him all the time then to nothing is hard. I've left my job now and I have deleted his numbers so I'm not tempted to text. I have a new job next week I'm going to try so hard. I was looking through texts just before he left and the day after he left and he was telling me he loved me everyday and it's gone front that to this I don't get it. But yea I'm going to try and move on.

 

Yes, of course. It's understandable that you're feeling this way because you've grown accustomed to him. You mentioned you feared being alone -- it's better to be alone than to be with someone and still feel alone. That was your relationship.

 

What you are feeling is akin to detoxing. It was an addiction to you, a toxic attachment. The more he pushed you away and treated you like crap, the more you dug your claws into it. Now it's going to be painful to release yourself from it. You're going through withdrawals -- just like you would from a drug. It's going to be hard but you will get through this.

 

You said he mentioned that he loved you -- the man built a barricade to keep you away from him and so that you would not touch him in bed. That isn't love. It's easy to speak words but his actions have indicated to you otherwise. You will heal from this and in time realize that you and your boys deserve better.

 

Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem, loving yourself, believing you deserve more and placing all your energy and love into your boys. If anything, you're not alone. You have the love of your children. Don't be afraid.

[stillafool]

It sounds like he had checked out of your relationship along time ago. He doesn't want to do anything with you because he didn't want to be there. You are better off without him so you can now find someone who wants to be with you. I would suggest you never make a man spend time with your boys. Either they want to or they don't, but certainly don't force them to do it.

[kztar]

Im much younger than you im 26 but I went through a very similar situation recently. I was dating my ex boyfriend for about a year and half and I was madly in love with him. Since I met him he was really a boring person but, very opposite to me but I decided that he was worth a chance.

 

To cut the story short, he did the same as your former boyfriend. I was always planning and when we actually went he was miserable he had to be there which made ME feel terrible because he wasn't having a good time, every time I planned something he either did what I mentioned above and had an excuse not to go, he was the happiest person when he knew I was going to get my hair and nails done or something, he didn't want to kiss me during sex and he came up with the idea that he didn't like the way I kissed, he would call me lazy but never actually wanted to engage in doing anything so I GAVE UP. Among this there were a whole bunch of other things he did and honestly I wasn't happy. What kept me with him was really that I thought we could have had what we had at the beginning of our relationship but this never happened again. My needs were not being met but I was trying to force him to meet my needs when he no longer wanted to do that.

 

You have to detach and walk away because this will not get better. He's simply not emotionally invested. You deserve better. One day someone will come into his life and show him your worth. By then, he will be nonexistent in your heart. It always takes that person to be in your shoes to be able to understand and look back and relate. MOVE ON OP.

[Sara16]

He has text me this evening saying that some days he misses me massively and then there are days he's content on his own and days where he thinks what is he doing. He sed he wishes he could change things he is in a no win situation at the mo. I mean what do I do about that it will be a month this week? But after reading ur comments it's true what y'all saying.

[Steven1]

He has text me this evening saying that some days he misses me massively and then there are days he's content on his own and days where he thinks what is he doing. He sed he wishes he could change things he is in a no win situation at the mo. I mean what do I do about that it will be a month this week? But after reading ur comments it's true what y'all saying.

 

 

Sadly I think the longer you let him contact you like this, the worse it's going to get for you. He's texting you on the days he's lonely, but has no intention of coming back to you, as he said himself, he's got good days and bad, but even on the bad days he still hasn't come back to you. He's going to keep texting you until he finds someone else imo as much as that hurts, as much as I hate to even say as I've been there myself, I'm there right now tbh the same as you.

 

The longer you let him contact you, the worse it will be.

[stillafool]

I mean what do I do about that it will be a month this week? But after reading ur comments it's true what y'all saying.

 

You move on and start dating other men. He's not the only guy out there. Give him all the time he wants for himself while you date someone else.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

He has text me this evening saying that some days he misses me massively and then there are days he's content on his own and days where he thinks what is he doing. He sed he wishes he could change things he is in a no win situation at the mo. I mean what do I do about that it will be a month this week? But after reading ur comments it's true what y'all saying.

 

Hi, first of all I'm sorry that you're going through this but the more I was reading your first post I was just thinking 'he doesn't deserve you'. If i had to give you any advice it would be to live your life and when he sees how well you're doing watch him crawl back because by the sounds of it he has no idea how much you do for him and he's taken you for granted and now he thinks he's better off on his own but I just think you can do a lot better. Don't just settle if you know deep down the relationship was boring etc.. He needs to make changes but let's be honest he won't. Not many people can change. I know it's easier said than done but I would definitely say move on. I'm almost certain if you didn't contact him for a long time and improved yourself and got out there socialising and having fun he would come crawling back and by the point... It could be too late but FOR HIM.

 

Think about number one and that's yourself.

 

Take care

[Sara16]

Thank you for your advice it's very much appreciated. I don't really have anyone else to talk too bout it really. I'm now on my second day no contact. I'm finding it really hard but I have deleted his numbers so I can't message him. I guess he's relieved now he ain't heard from me asking him back but it's better for me too. I keep reading everyone's posts on here and how they are dealing with break ups some of which have been in a longer relationship then mine and it helps. I guess just used to being with him everyday although not done much together when we have been and in contact with him then nothing is hard. Plus living where we lived together with memory's doesn't help. My friend text me today and said she saw him he looked happier but said she thinks he was putting it on. I said he's prob happier he hasn't heard from me.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Sara16

[Zahara]

Please tell your friends to STOP feeding you any information about him.

 

It doesn't do you any good to have insight into what's going on with him. This is the time to heal your wounds, be gentle with yourself and focus all the energy into YOU and your boys.

[Sara16]

I kind of asked how he was....but I've also told them not to tell me anything about him anymore. :-(

[Sara16]

You know what I been sitting here thinking to myself what is wrong with me I should be sooo angry right now and should be saying f**k him after the way he has been I mean as well as all the negatives he brought to the relationship that I already listed. I have lost my job I asked and asked him to come home cus my job was on the line as I was unable to do night shifts and could not continue there and he was still telling me he didn't know what to do then my work place told me I coulnt continue working there due to this. Plus I was told by people at work that he had moved into a bedsit two weeks after we had split. I thought he was staying with his mum and that morning I sat with him on break begging him to come home and he never told me this. So now I'm jobless and struggling because he told me he was fed up. I'm paying all the bills for the house now he's renting bedsit for 60.00 a week bills included 5 mins from work. I've had to cancel to holidays I've booked for us again I asked him back before cancelling them but no responce so I lost my deposit of 800.00. I find out he goes out with mates at weekend for drinks. When he was with me I asked him to take me out but he wouldn't. And here I am sitting here no contact now for 2 days but hoping I may hear from him or he may show me he cares. I no Im being a mug. I can't understand it I've given him the world and done everything for him and j thought he was happy and now nothing. I should be bloody angry. I brought his mum tickets to go to a concert and hotel for Xmas I was supposed to go with her she said before we split that she didn't want to go and sold them online. I was close to his mum I begged her to spk to him to see sence she said she ain't getting jncolved I feel they are so ungrateful for what they had I'm just so hurt right now the guy had it all. Nice home family with me and boys holidays booked our little comforts a woman that loved him off that was loyal and would never had cheated and he's given it all up. He has gone on fb trying to contact people in france he knew from years ago so he can go back there and live and hoping they can get him a job but these people never bothered with him or wanted to know him since he came back 8 years ago. I messaged one for him and gave him his number and told him to call him and he never did. He is giving us up in the hope that he will go to France and start a new life but I told him. These people ur trying to contact have never been in touch and they all have moved on since you was last there. Why u giving up everything u have now.I just don't get it.I'm going through different emotions right now. Mainly upset hurt and anger that I've put everything into our relationship for 3 years for this to happen :-(

[Zahara]

I kind of asked how he was....but I've also told them not to tell me anything about him anymore. :-(

 

Realistically, and I know you can't see it but he was so detached and devoid of any emotional attachment to you during the relationship. So what does it matter how he's reacting to the ending? He was never present then so what does it mean to you now whether he is suffering or not.

 

Start journaling the bad. The truth. The reality of your relationship. When you start to feel sad, longing for him -- go back and read it all. It will help you realize slowly but surely that it wasn't all that great.

[Zahara]

I can't understand it I've given him the world and done everything for him and j thought he was happy and now nothing.

 

Nice home family with me and boys holidays booked our little comforts a woman that loved him off that was loyal and would never had cheated and he's given it all up.

 

You tried to buy his affection and love. If he told you to bounce on your head in return for his attention, you would have done it. All that planning, buying, nurturing, attention you gave him, you did that all to get him to react to you in a positive way. The more he shunned you, the more you showered him. The more he detached, the more you tried to get his attention.

 

Unfortunately, when you demand nothing for yourself, men like him will only take advantage of you. There's no incentive to treat you any better because you yourself are void of any ability to respect yourself.

 

He puts up a barrier when you sleep together -- you go and plan a vacation. He won't even take you out for a meal and you plan a vacation. What sense is that? You were trying to appease him and give him everything hoping he would love you.

 

Regardless of what is wrong with him, if he cannot appreciate good things in his life, that isn't a reflection of your own worth. Your value isn't tied to his dysfunction.

 

There is nothing wrong with you other than the fact you have very little self-respect and love for yourself.

[Steven1]

You tried to buy his affection and love. If he told you to bounce on your head in return for his attention, you would have done it. All that planning, buying, nurturing, attention you gave him, you did that all to get him to react to you in a positive way. The more he shunned you, the more you showered him. The more he detached, the more you tried to get his attention.

 

Unfortunately, when you demand nothing for yourself, men like him will only take advantage of you. There's no incentive to treat you any better because you yourself are void of any ability to respect yourself.

 

He puts up a barrier when you sleep together -- you go and plan a vacation. He won't even take you out for a meal and you plan a vacation. What sense is that? You were trying to appease him and give him everything hoping he would love you.

 

Regardless of what is wrong with him, if he cannot appreciate good things in his life, that isn't a reflection of your own worth. Your value isn't tied to his dysfunction.

 

There is nothing wrong with you other than the fact you have very little self-respect and love for yourself.

 

 

Good answer and in a way I can relate. My ex always said she didn't want me buying her stuff her etc she just never liked anyone buying her things, but I would always get her a ton of stuff (easily spent about £3000 on her in 4/5 months, christmas, food shopping for uni, dresses, shoes, jewelry etc) She never asked for any of it I will stress that, but I bought it for her to see her happy etc.

 

But during like the last month of our relationship, she would start to get, not mad but firm that I didn't buy her anything (makes sense now after what she said about break up). But I kind of came at it at the same angle. She was becoming quite distant and would often not speak to me as much even if I was staying with her the night, yet she would constantly text friends etc without fail. I could be sitting there in her room and she would always be texting friends or talking to them on the computer. Even when I took her out to dinner, I would sit there and stare at her waiting to talk, and she would spend more time on her phone. And often after that I would buy her things just to get her attention a bit longer (but also because I enjoy seeing others happy, often I prefer to buy gifts for people just to see them smile).

 

But I was planning holidays that she wanted to go on etc, or go to a nice hotel for a treat for her birthday and so on. And she would always agree with me at the time, then later down the line find a reason not to, as I said especially in the last month as I think she had already started to move on mentally at this time.

[Zahara]

And she would always agree with me at the time, then later down the line find a reason not to, as I said especially in the last month as I think she had already started to move on mentally at this time.

 

There was a part of her probably that felt obligated to you -- deep down inside knowing her level of emotional investment in you and feeling guilty about how much you were investing in her, therefore denying your efforts. Plus, I think you can smell the insecurity in a person when they start to go above and beyond.

[Steven1]

I always used to buy her a lot of things through the relationship so I don't think it was anything like that from my side as it was ordinary for me to treat her exceptionally well you know? I would buy her anything without thinking twice over it.

 

I don't know with her it still hits me as weird and I think one of the other reasons for the break up was she had influence from someone else imo. An example would be that

 

In september when she started Uni, she didn't think we would work because she would be a lot busier etc and didn't know if she could make it work, but we talked through it after about a break for 2 weeks, and after that we were great, and even about 4 weeks before we broke up she was saying how sorry she was ever saying that in September and that it was a huge mistake that she wasted 2 weeks etc, while I do believe her that her feelings may have changed, I think at times from September - February that there was really nothing wrong and that she did love our relationship and her feelings hadn't changed, I think that once early/middle February came around that her head got turned by someone (probably guy she was on about talking to now).

 

I could be wrong but it just seems as though that even if she was saying things to be nice, knowing her as I do, I don't think she would ever say that she was wrong and it was a mistake etc to just be nice.