Struggling to move on

[Zahara]

I always used to buy her a lot of things through the relationship so I don't think it was anything like that from my side as it was ordinary for me to treat her exceptionally well you know? I would buy her anything without thinking twice over it.

 

I was referencing towards the end of your relationship. I remember your story. It's fine to treat someone exceptionally well, but step back and also analyze your motives for giving that much as well as the level of investment from both parties. I'm not saying it has to be tit for tat in terms of material gifts but make sure that while you are giving, you are also receiving those values important in a relationship -- nurture, love, attention, care, etc. If it's one sided, then it would be best to question your need to keep giving and treating that person exceptionally well.

[Steven1]

I was referencing towards the end of your relationship. I remember your story. It's fine to treat someone exceptionally well, but step back and also analyze your motives for giving that much as well as the level of investment from both parties. I'm not saying it has to be tit for tat in terms of material gifts but make sure that while you are giving, you are also receiving those values important in a relationship -- nurture, love, attention, care, etc. If it's one sided, then it would be best to question your need to keep giving and treating that person exceptionally well.

 

 

To be honest I think it became second nature as well, as a lot of the things I got her were to benefit her rather than be something she wanted. Books for Uni etc, food for her and her sister, even at Valentines before she decided we shouldn't speak I still took all of her gifts to the Uni for her that I had got her Valentines, no idea if she even kept them but still lol.

[Zahara]

To be honest I think it became second nature as well, as a lot of the things I got her were to benefit her rather than be something she wanted. Books for Uni etc, food for her and her sister, even at Valentines before she decided we shouldn't speak I still took all of her gifts to the Uni for her that I had got her Valentines, no idea if she even kept them but still lol.

 

Maybe something you need to work on because it doesn't bode well for you to keep giving without balance. It's one thing to be generous but at some point depending on the situation, it can also come across as a desperate need to buy one's love and affection. Boundaries are important.

[Steven1]

Maybe something you need to work on because it doesn't bode well for you to keep giving without balance. It's one thing to be generous but at some point depending on the situation, it can also come across as a desperate need to buy one's love and affection. Boundaries are important.

 

 

I know. During the past (obviously when she went to Uni I knew she wouldn't be able to buy me anything for Christmas etc as I told her to keep all of her money for shopping etc, but she paid for our dinner on my birthday etc).

 

In the past we would always push the boat out for each other on birthdays and christmas etc so it was always equal. And even when she went to Uni, I think I was buying her a lot as I wanted to help her settle down and settle in etc. So buying her a dress for her formal dinner with shoes etc and buying her books that have helped her quite a bit so far, were all just things to help her ease in especially with no family around her.

 

I don't know tbh. I think I'm just looking at everything I did for her since she came to the UK especially, and this has happened and it seems as though she's done it so easily sadly.

[stillafool]

My friend text me today and said she saw him he looked happier but said she thinks he was putting it on. I said he's prob happier he hasn't heard from me.

 

Tell her to please not report to you on him. Her telling you he looked happier was hurtful coming from a friend.

[Sara16]

The guy wasn't a bad guy he also brought me things too he brought me flowers and told me he loved me everyday. I always new what he was doing and where he was he was good too me...it's just the thinks I listed that caused us problems. I don't know if I miss him or if I miss the him being there and the stability but right now I just wish he was here being boring and just chilling with me. It's been 2 days I've not contacted him and he hasn't contacted me either. I do have his stuff here still tho do I message him to come get it or do I wait for him to get in touch?

[Zahara]

The guy wasn't a bad guy he also brought me things too he brought me flowers and told me he loved me everyday. I always new what he was doing and where he was he was good too me...it's just the thinks I listed that caused us problems. I don't know if I miss him or if I miss the him being there and the stability but right now I just wish he was here being boring and just chilling with me. It's been 2 days I've not contacted him and he hasn't contacted me either. I do have his stuff here still tho do I message him to come get it or do I wait for him to get in touch?

 

Love, care and attention has to be consistent. Buying you flowers and telling you he loves you compared to all the other crap that he was doing to you does not a healthy, stable and fulfilling relationship make.

 

Those problems -- that is who he is. There is no changing that because that is how he is wired. A bit of nice here and there in the midst of that much emotional vacancy and detachment means nothing.

 

You box all that stuff up and have a friend deliver it to him or you mail it to him. There is no need to make contact. Get the "stuff" issue over and done with.

[mightycpa]

The guy wasn't a bad guy he also brought me things too he brought me flowers and told me he loved me everyday. I always new what he was doing and where he was he was good too me...it's just the thinks I listed that caused us problems. I don't know if I miss him or if I miss the him being there and the stability but right now I just wish he was here being boring and just chilling with me. It's been 2 days I've not contacted him and he hasn't contacted me either. I do have his stuff here still tho do I message him to come get it or do I wait for him to get in touch?

Public Self-Storage. Pay for the first month, sometimes as low as $1. Lock it up, send him the key, the address (with unit #), and where to send his monthly payment. Skip the part where you complain or whatever you want to say of a personal nature.

[Sara16]

I took most of his stuff to his mums house there's only a few small things that he gotta get. I was out and about this morning and everywhere I went just reminded me of us when we went shopping I just really want to text him just to see if he's ok. But I'm trying not to its day 3 of no contact. Hes a stubborn guy he would never msg me or even tell me if he wanted to come home. I'm going to stick it out but it's sooo hard.

[Sara16]

So I met him today and gave him back the remainder of what was left in the house. When I met him he looked like he just wanted to get away but I left him his things and said I will have no contact with him again and he just laughed and said yea you will text me tomorrow. I said to him I wouldn't and deleted all his numbers when I got into the car......it was very hard seeing him and it still hurts alot but now I gotta try and move on. I have deleted any contact of him now so that should help.

[Sara16]

Six weeks after he left me and I've been a mess. I have tried so hard to get him to come back but all he has said is that he can't do it anymore. I asked him to come back and try again he can even still keep his bedsit whilst he trials it out but he text back saying that he doesn't want me texting him about relationships it's driving him mad. So I deleted all contact from him and I'm going no contact. I'm so down only 6 weeks ago he told me he loved me and we were planning holidays and now he won't talk to me. He has now started going to the gym with someone from work after for months before we split I was asking him to come with me and he said he didn't like going so I brought him a multi gym for the house which he never used. He wouldn't even go for a walk with me. I'm on first day of no contact I wanna msg him so much but insted I keep going on line reading up about it. I'm in bits I just keep crying and sometimes it's in front of my boys. They say I'm being silly that he was useless and never did anything with me and I shouldn't waste my tears but for some reason I cat stop. I have been hurting everyday for the last 6 weeks. He never answers my calls he doesn't reply to my texts until the next day because he says he turns it to silent. How can someone who you have been close with for 3 years who tells you everyday he loves you turn like this to wanting to be alone living in a bedsit giving everything he had up because he said he was fed up?.

[Michaelroyale]

Hi Sara rest assured you are not alone...This is a very emotional and stressful time for you, but we have all been there I'm a man so ill try and give you a little advice as to best proceed at this moment..first stop begging pleading and texting him that's a big No No that will make you look weak and needy, your giving all your power away and pushing him further away...do nothing no contact is something that works well you must keep it up its difficult I know but very effective and good for you...contact someone you can talk to someone you feel safe and trust and pour your heart out to them, look after yourself that's very important, get plenty of sleep and eat well...I car't stress the importance of all this eventually it will make you look strong and attractive and if it comes to nothing you'll be in a good place emotionally for future relationship's

Best of luck and take care....

[Souldier1234]

Hi Sara. Your not alone. Everyone reading this or who replies has been where you are. Its difficult when the person you love does not give you closure or any answers & simply ignores you, but rest assured that you will get through this. You are stronger than what you think or believe. Give yourself time to grieve, vent and just let yourself go through the emotions but away from him. Post everything here, or right it out on a paper somewhere, or if you feel like calling him, call a friend. NC will help you get your self respect and dignity back. If he is cowering away from dealing with you and not manning up, take this is a sign that he doesn't see your value, he does not respect you (because you deserve respect) and he is not strong enough to be the partner you deserve. Focus on you and your boys and work towards your goals and purpose in life. Once you find that peaceful place in your life and can smile without him, you will see how the universe will reward you. That might be the time he comes back and you are in a better place to be with him again or have found some else who is much more deserving of you and your boys.

Don't be too hard on yourself and take care of yourself

Edited April 20, 2016 by Souldier1234

[Sara16]

Thankyou for your advice. I'm trying so hard I have a new job now so I'm trying to start a fresh it's so hard. I'm definatly going to continue with no contact I guess I been very stupid keep messaging him to come back I should have just cut him off from the start because he was fed up and didn't know weather to be with me or depression cus I couldn't handle all of it but my boys have kept me going. I dont have any friends and family are in different city so my minds just constantly thinking what ifs I'd have done this or that he may have stuck around. I know I just gotta leave him it just hurts everyday.

[Zahara]

Thankyou for your advice. I'm trying so hard I have a new job now so I'm trying to start a fresh it's so hard. I'm definatly going to continue with no contact I guess I been very stupid keep messaging him to come back I should have just cut him off from the start because he was fed up and didn't know weather to be with me or depression cus I couldn't handle all of it but my boys have kept me going. I dont have any friends and family are in different city so my minds just constantly thinking what ifs I'd have done this or that he may have stuck around. I know I just gotta leave him it just hurts everyday.

 

Your boys said it best -- "he was useless and never did anything with me and I shouldn't waste my tears."

 

It's going to take some time for you to realize your reality. You're hurting not because you love him but because you're afraid to be alone and you feel abandoned. In time you'll start to see that this relationship wasn't fulfilling for you and realize your reasons for why you needed it so bad and hopefully then you'll be able to dig deep and work on why you settled for so little.

 

Stay NC with him. This is done. There is no going back from this because he is final with his decision. Stay focused on your boys and work through your pain. There's no harm in you seeing a professional to help you sort yourself through this. It's going to hurt but you'll survive this coming our stronger and wiser.

[Sara16]

I have never be afraid of being alone before...before meeting him I was on my own for 5 years and j was ok. But I had not lived with anyone since the boys dad had left which was 11 years before so he was my first. I have him on this pedistool at the mo and blaming myself for alot of how it's gone. I did shout at him alot through frustration and he isn't one for arguing he would just sit there on his phone telling me to shut up and that he aint talking about it and it would just make things worse. I just wanted him to do mor, show more interest I did everything. Now he's left he's doing what I wanted him to do with me and I don't know why. I guess he hasn't thought bout making effort cus I been the one on his case so he doesn't need too. But I see now where I went wrong.

[Souldier1234]

I have never be afraid of being alone before...before meeting him I was on my own for 5 years and j was ok. But I had not lived with anyone since the boys dad had left which was 11 years before so he was my first. I have him on this pedistool at the mo and blaming myself for alot of how it's gone. I did shout at him alot through frustration and he isn't one for arguing he would just sit there on his phone telling me to shut up and that he aint talking about it and it would just make things worse. I just wanted him to do mor, show more interest I did everything. Now he's left he's doing what I wanted him to do with me and I don't know why. I guess he hasn't thought bout making effort cus I been the one on his case so he doesn't need too. But I see now where I went wrong.

 

Its great that you are seeing were you went wrong but always remember that it takes two to tango. He made mistakes as well. Dont be too hard on yourself when you reflect. Take your time... It took time for you to fall in love and will take time to love yourself fully again and put yourself first.

[Rachel39]

Honestly he sounds just like my ex..... Said he wasn't sure if it's what he wanted anymore...... Them wouldn't speak to me I begged like a fool .... Then said he hasn't got time for a relationship and can't cope with one he is also 41 in May

 

He was also up and down moods where terrible, wasn't affectionate, times where boring but then he'd be great.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this I'm 4 months in and honestly I know he had just walked away from me and doesn't care one bit.

 

I asked him how it felt been single and he said it's no different, why because he made our relationship so he always kept his independence and loved his own company doesn't need any one for anything and actually loved been on his own

 

So why date some one pretend you want a future and marriage to just leave with out a second thought to me and my son ..... Cowards !!!'

 

You will get through this

[Sara16]

Honestly he sounds just like my ex..... Said he wasn't sure if it's what he wanted anymore...... Them wouldn't speak to me I begged like a fool .... Then said he hasn't got time for a relationship and can't cope with one he is also 41 in May

 

He was also up and down moods where terrible, wasn't affectionate, times where boring but then he'd be great.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this I'm 4 months in and honestly I know he had just walked away from me and doesn't care one bit.

 

I asked him how it felt been single and he said it's no different, why because he made our relationship so he always kept his independence and loved his own company doesn't need any one for anything and actually loved been on his own

 

So why date some one pretend you want a future and marriage to just leave with out a second thought to me and my son ..... Cowards !!!'

 

You will get through this

 

Hi, I've been reading your posts as it reminds me if what I'm going through with mine. I cant understand why he didn't just tell me in the beginning before I gave everything I had up to move in with him into a new house as he said he didn't want to move in with me there. He doesn't want responcibilty just wants to think of himself...they are both very selfish. To just leave with out proper closure I'm still not 100% sure why hes gone he won't talk to me. Just sed he was fed up. When I asked him how he feels now he said no different. I don't understand him at all.

[Rachel39]

As he sounds exactly like my ex I'd guess he wasn't that bothered about a relationship some people like been on there own.

 

He will like this for a while but will eventually want company and will repeat the process all over again.

 

It's selfishness because he's only thinking about himself, not you just like my ex. And it suited him at the time for you to move in with him .... He probably want to be the good man too oh they love this.

 

When I stopped feeding his ego and telling him how amazing he was and then started to voice my opinion on things he couldn't cope he couldn't take it .

 

Why would he stay when he can be happy on his own, I just complicated his life .... And honestly I hardly said anything .

 

You will never win with a man like this and neither will I.

 

I also don't want to be with someone who was judging me and making decisions about me whilst not telling me how he felt.

 

It's just odd behaviour ... Not normal ..... It makes me feel better now to think he isn't well mentally because anyone wouldn't do that people talk discuss things compromise in a relationship .

 

eslecially when you older ( 40 )

[Sara16]

He's told me he is not looking for a relationship and needs to be on his own. He hasn't once told me he still loves me or misses me since we split but I have told him every day. I sent him an email telling him how I feel and telling him how things could be different. He msged me and said what do you want me to say?...I said just tell me what's going through your mind. He said it doesn't change the way I feel tho. I then said shall I just forget you and move on and he said if I was you then yes sorry. I then said ok I will but I wish you had told me you want to live alonewhen we met rather than 3 years down the line after getting engaged you used to tell me everyday you loved me I feel like it's all been lies. He didn't respond. When we was together we worked together too we hated the place and often was miserable at work and at home together. We made a plan to both leave at the end of this month. He gave his notice in and I left. He is supposed to be leaving still the end of the month and now has told me he is staying because he needs money and he can't sort his head out. So everything he said was lies and now he wants to stay there and work and live in a bedsit all on his own and given everything up. I'm gutted. I can't sleep at night and I feel anxious everyday I'm just a mess right now. I have got nothing of him now I know I gotta let him go but it's really hard.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Oh Sara... Your pain shines through your posts. You keep going back and forth, reaching out for a crumb of comfort from this guy, who to be fair has been totally straight with you since the day he left, which is far more preferable to the type of partner who leaves then returns then leaves and keeps leading you on!

 

I think you really truly need to start taking care of yourself, I know you don't feel like it right now but if you can get yourself feeling a little better emotionally and physically it'll be a lot easier to maintain your strength and believe in your own self worth enough to maintain no contact with this clown. Even if he did want to come back down the line, would you ever be able to trust and respect him again?

 

Your boys need a strong female role model in their life, right now they're seeing someone who'll bend over backwards for a man who doesn't give a toss about her, they're learning how to treat women by looking at your relationships and all they're learning right now is that you can treat someone atrociously and they'll still beg for you to come back.

 

I recommend you take some care over ensuring you get a good diet right now, get out for some exercise each day, avoid smoking and drinking, maybe go and see your GP for some support for that anxiety you're going through as we aren't in our right minds while anxious and make all kinds of stupid decisions. He or she can look into prescribing something to help tone the anxiety down a little, and perhaps hook you up with some kind of therapy while you're struggling. Even basic CBT techniques such as diaphragmatic calm breathing and thought challenging could really help you maintain your equilibrium at the minute.

[Sara16]

Thanks for your reply it's much appreciated. I don't really talk to anyone else about this. Every day I come home from work and go take the dog for a walk with the boys then burst out crying in front of them. Im worse now than I was when he first broke up. Maybe because I had hope and now I no there is no chance I'm ok when I'm at work it's when I come home plus then I can't sleep...I'm just totally gutted 3 years of feeling like I was complete with the family and then I'm back to square one again. I don't know why I'm feeling like this a few years ago I wouldn't have cared and just moved on but this time I felt so settled. I've never been like this before and hope I'm not getting depressed.

[Zahara]

Im worse now than I was when he first broke up. Maybe because I had hope and now I no there is no chance I'm ok when I'm at work it's when I come home plus then I can't sleep...

 

A step in the right direction. Now you're able to grieve and let go finally. I know it is hard but you never want to be in a situation where he's playing with your emotions.

 

I'm just totally gutted 3 years of feeling like I was complete with the family and then I'm back to square one again. I don't know why I'm feeling like this a few years ago I wouldn't have cared and just moved on but this time I felt so settled. I've never been like this before and hope I'm not getting depressed.

 

This is you romanticizing. Your boys mentioned that he didn't add anything to your lives and never made you happy. This is your eye-opener. This was not the complete family. You're in love with the idea of the "family" you created in your mind but what you had was far from it.

 

With the current list of cons that you have on this thread, start journaling the true nature of your relationship. When you start to go down that road of idealization and it begins to make you incredibly sad, start reading it because it will help you grasp your reality and slowly counter those emotional thoughts with rationality.

[Sara16]

You are right and that's what I'm trying to do now.I keep thinkin of all the things that would annoy me about him as well as having the boys tell me how lazy and unaffectunate he was towards me. They said they could tell I never loved him and new I wasn't happy and told me to stop thinking bout him. I know this. It's comforting hearing them and writing in here and listening to ur advice. I know I'm a bit over the place with him right now but you all are right in what ur saying. It's just really hard to adjust again. I did write him and tell him I'm moving on and that he's made the right decision not coming back cus it wouldn't be the same anyway and eventually I will be with someone that will treat me how I deserve. He didn't reply and I deleted and blocked everything to him. Im determined to see it through this time as it's now affecting my health.