Struggling to move on

[Zahara]

You are right and that's what I'm trying to do now.I keep thinkin of all the things that would annoy me about him as well as having the boys tell me how lazy and unaffectunate he was towards me. They said they could tell I never loved him and new I wasn't happy and told me to stop thinking bout him. I know this. It's comforting hearing them and writing in here and listening to ur advice. I know I'm a bit over the place with him right now but you all are right in what ur saying. It's just really hard to adjust again. I did write him and tell him I'm moving on and that he's made the right decision not coming back cus it wouldn't be the same anyway and eventually I will be with someone that will treat me how I deserve. He didn't reply and I deleted and blocked everything to him. Im determined to see it through this time as it's now affecting my health.

 

It's good that your boys are attentive and aware and are able to identify unhealthy behavior. You're lucky to have them ground you whenever you're feeling down about this situation. They know you deserve better and you should strive for that.

 

It's good to hear that you have deleted and blocked him from everything. It's going to be painful but the end results are going to be so rewarding.

[yellowhibiscus]

I just had to reply because I'm going through a very similar situation. I'm a mom to a 10 year old boy and just recently got out of a 4 year relationship that was highly toxic. I think towards the end I stayed because I thought we were a "family". My ex, like yours, did very little to contribute to this family and was basically just there as a roommate...for whom I did laundry for, cooked for, cleaned after, and received very little in return. Like your ex, he did the occasional buying me and my son things but there was never any real emotional effort put into the relationship. I really feel for you because I am feeling it too right now. Like others have posted, you are showing your sons how women should be treated and how they should be treated. They deserve a man in their lives who will love them and their mother completely...so much that you shouldn't ever have to question it! I would rather be alone now than have someone in my life who would only give half of themselves when I give 100%. Put yourself first and don't settle for less than what you deserve (I'm trying to take my own advice )

[Sara16]

Thankyou. I'm feeling a little bit better today Im determined not to go home and cry today I can't keep letting the boys see me like that I gotta try and be strong. I haven't had the urge to want to text him even tho he prob think she will be texting me today but I still have this horrible feeling in pit of stomach that I've had since he left but I trying to take my mind off things at work. Now I'm having crazy thoughts about him meeting someone else now and she having a better relationship that I am and him wanting to do things with her. It's crazy I know there will be a point where I won't think or care bout him any more but for now it's hard.

[Souldier1234]

I dont know if these words with help but 1st girlfriend use to always say to me, "I was someone before you and I will be someone after you." She broke my heart, but its funny how those words have helped me heal and helped me find myself after every break up. They helped me remember that I use to have dreams and goals before any ex stepped in the picture. Sometimes we end up forgetting who we were before our ex's because we end up investing so much in them and end up compromise ourselves to make them happy but we need to go back to what was most important to us.

 

I also believe that success is the best revenge we can ever exert against our exes. I wish we would speak more about things in that manner because most people dont understand the point of NC or wont believe in why we have to go back and focus on ourselves by working hard on our careers, or going back to gym to be healthy, learning to eat healthy again, and working to be our best version of ourselves.

I really feel SUCCESS IS THE BEST REVENGE. But we must define for ourselves what it means to be successful. Go back. Remember who you were before your ex and what being successful meant. This is what attracted our exes to us, so why not work on being that person again, this time, without them. Because they are not helping us grow when they are constantly rejecting us.

 

Biologists often talk about the ecology of an organism: The tallest oak in the forest is the tallest not just because it grew from the hardest acorn, it is the tallest because no other trees blocked its sunlight. Motivation, determination, discipline and patience are our sunlight to SUCCESS, not our exes.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Souldier1234

[Sara16]

It's been 2 days no contact...although today I did write a message but then deleted it. I'm really trying hard to stick with it. Today o was talking to colleges about their relationships who were saying their partner is boring they don't go out etc and then I thought of my situation and felt so bad. I feel I have drove him away with my constant nagging and arguing about how he is and he did say that if it happened again he would leave and he did. I think I've expected too much from him and he was fed up of the way I was. I feel I've ruined this relationship by the way I've nagged and made him miserable whilst other couples are sticking it out even though they may be in a rut or not. I just wish he would give me a chance.

[Zahara]

It's been 2 days no contact...although today I did write a message but then deleted it. I'm really trying hard to stick with it. Today o was talking to colleges about their relationships who were saying their partner is boring they don't go out etc and then I thought of my situation and felt so bad. I feel I have drove him away with my constant nagging and arguing about how he is and he did say that if it happened again he would leave and he did. I think I've expected too much from him and he was fed up of the way I was. I feel I've ruined this relationship by the way I've nagged and made him miserable whilst other couples are sticking it out even though they may be in a rut or not. I just wish he would give me a chance.

 

Goodness, Sara. This man built a wall in bed so that you wouldn't touch him. Where are your standards? Have you lost all sense of what a healthy relationship should entail?

 

You can't compare your relationship to others because everyone has different tolerance levels, needs, wants, boundaries -- it's ridicilous to use other people's relationships as a measuring stick. You don't even know what ACTUALLY goes on behind other people's closed doors other than the words they say.

 

I mean, even your boys pointed out you deserved better. Not every relationship is perfect and there are some things you compromise and sometimes tolerate but if your children are able to tell what's accepted and what's not -- then you need to start grasping the reality of him and your relationship.

[Souldier1234]

It's been 2 days no contact...although today I did write a message but then deleted it. I'm really trying hard to stick with it. Today o was talking to colleges about their relationships who were saying their partner is boring they don't go out etc and then I thought of my situation and felt so bad. I feel I have drove him away with my constant nagging and arguing about how he is and he did say that if it happened again he would leave and he did. I think I've expected too much from him and he was fed up of the way I was. I feel I've ruined this relationship by the way I've nagged and made him miserable whilst other couples are sticking it out even though they may be in a rut or not. I just wish he would give me a chance.

 

I believe ZAHARA is right. Though it may sound a little harsh for my standards but she has good intentions. I can believe her and follow her understanding when she asks where are your standards and that you should never compare relationships. No relationship or marriage is the same.

Sara16, I am asking you kindly, please wake up! Zahara is trying to wake you up.

you are too focused on him and what he said. you are becoming a prisoner of your past. You need to be an architect of your future!

 

Go back and remember who you are. What are your goals, what are your dreams? What did you want out of life before you met this man. Live in the present. You don't need him to love you. You have all the love you need already inside you. How did you cope being single before him, or have you never been single?

[Sara16]

I hear what you guys are saying and thankyou I do apprieciate what you are saying. Before him I was single for 5 years and it was just me and the boys before that I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. When I met this guy he was so different and was so loving and kind and tarted me like a queen I trusted him 100% we were always together and he would always tell me what he was done and vice versa it was perfect then after 6 months we moved in together. It's just having got used to being around after all this time and I felt I was settled wit a family unit that I had always wanted and no agaim I'm back to square one....it makes me so down that still the boys have had yet another wasteman in their lives and he sed he would never leave and was happy. Im just gonna concentrate n them now and live be on my own. I can't go through this again.

[Souldier1234]

I hear you Dear one, and I feel that you are carrying with you a sense of lose. You felt you had everything and now you have to go back and start over. Please realize that you have always had the family you want. It might just not be in the picture or the vision you see it as. Being a single parent is still a family. And I'm sure you have extended family. If you look to that and appreciate that, you find all the love and support you need. I know how hard it can be, to be a single parent. Being a mom and dad to your kids is not easy but you can master it. Its not all single parents who are sad. Some rise above and find the joy in their small families. Things go wrong when we seek love and validation from other people, no matter how sweet and kind they were. This is an error on us. Someone should want to be in your life, this is good. But they must be there to be supportive and help you push forward in life. Not to be the reason why you need love or cant go on. You have love. Who was loving you when you were single for 5 years. YOU WERE! go back to that. In a healthy relationship. Love is a bonus because you already have love inside you. Immediately when there is a power struggle and you are dependent on someone else for love, you should know that you are in an unhealthy relationship. You are an intelligent being, full of hope, love, kindness and endless joy, I can tell. So I know you know what I am saying makes sense.

 

Congratulate yourself and do not judge yourself for bringing this relationship to your life. You have brought a lesson into your life that you needed to learn. Sometimes in confusion or when we feel lost, it is were we start to grow because there is a lesson we are learning. And if we learn from this mistakes, we become stronger, more powerful, and this will not happen to you again because you would have found salvation in yourself. (If you learn from the lesson)

Edited April 26, 2016 by Souldier1234

[Sara16]

Thanks for that....I know I have my boys my mum and my brother that's all I have and they live in a different city to me. I don't really have any friends so when I'm home from work or days off its just me and the boys all the time. I think that is why I'm struggling with the loss of this relationship because he was with me everyday and night we worked together also so I would see him throughout the day too he was my best friend as well. Now I just feel alone although it only bothers me sometimes I have got used to it throughout the years. I have blocked him now after sending him a msg that I'm going to move on which he hasn't read aswell as no reply. I have blocked everyone that works with him so I can't get any information on him as when we were together he told me how he hated his job and boss and was always coming home fed up and annoyed about it. He decided he had had enough and gave his notice in and was due to finish end of this month and today they told me he's staying now ive left so all that he was acting was lies I'm just going to take things day by day and see how it goes. I'm still crying every day but I think it's part of the grieving process and I hope oneday I will wake up and this horrible feeling I'm carrying with me everyday will have gone away. I've wrote my list if cons that I will look at if I start putting him on that pedistool again thinking the relationship was so great and I hope that I will get over this soon. I'm unsure weather to move house as it was where we lived together but I don't want to up route the boys as this isn't their fault but the memories of him being here with me doesn't help.

[Zahara]

I would see him throughout the day too he was my best friend as well. Now I just feel alone although it only bothers me sometimes I have got used to it throughout the years.

 

I've wrote my list if cons that I will look at if I start putting him on that pedistool again thinking the relationship was so great and I hope that I will get over this soon. I'm unsure weather to move house as it was where we lived together but I don't want to up route the boys as this isn't their fault but the memories of him being here with me doesn't help.

 

As time goes on you will start to realize the reality of what you had with him. You mentioned he was your best friend but likely he was just a companion, a warm body in your home -- because if you consider the value of a best friend versus everything you listed about him, it isn't rational to place him in such high esteem. Now you invest the evenings in your children and in yourself. Making dinner, family time at the dinner table, watching movies together, bake together, school projects, evening walks with them -- you can use the evenings to start working out, go to a class, take up a hobby, etc. You mentioned he never invested any time in them -- now you get to invest the time in them, and in peace. I'm sure it's a huge weight off their shoulders too because it doesn't sound like they were happy in this situation as well.

 

You don't have to move. You can always redecorate your home. Make it a project. Or even rearrange your furniture. Room by room. Change the space around you.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Zahara

[stillafool]

It's been 2 days no contact...although today I did write a message but then deleted it. I'm really trying hard to stick with it. Today o was talking to colleges about their relationships who were saying their partner is boring they don't go out etc and then I thought of my situation and felt so bad. I feel I have drove him away with my constant nagging and arguing about how he is and he did say that if it happened again he would leave and he did. I think I've expected too much from him and he was fed up of the way I was. I feel I've ruined this relationship by the way I've nagged and made him miserable whilst other couples are sticking it out even though they may be in a rut or not. I just wish he would give me a chance.

 

You didn't drive this guy away he wanted to leave you. You have got to stop blaming yourself for his decisions. He wanted to leave, asked you not to contact him anymore and still you are blaming yourself and holding out hope that he will be back. You have to give up hope that you will get back together so you can move on. He has moved on.

[stillafool]

It's been 2 days no contact...although today I did write a message but then deleted it. I'm really trying hard to stick with it. Today o was talking to colleges about their relationships who were saying their partner is boring they don't go out etc and then I thought of my situation and felt so bad. I feel I have drove him away with my constant nagging and arguing about how he is and he did say that if it happened again he would leave and he did. I think I've expected too much from him and he was fed up of the way I was. I feel I've ruined this relationship by the way I've nagged and made him miserable whilst other couples are sticking it out even though they may be in a rut or not. I just wish he would give me a chance.

 

You didn't drive him away he wanted to leave and was making excuses. When you realize his leaving had nothing to do with you then perhaps you will start to heal. The other couples stayed and worked on their relationship because they both love each other. Your relationship was one sided. You were the only one in love. Please be realistic if you want to heal.

[stillafool]

I hear what you guys are saying and thankyou I do apprieciate what you are saying. Before him I was single for 5 years and it was just me and the boys before that I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. When I met this guy he was so different and was so loving and kind and tarted me like a queen I trusted him 100% we were always together and he would always tell me what he was done and vice versa it was perfect then after 6 months we moved in together. It's just having got used to being around after all this time and I felt I was settled wit a family unit that I had always wanted and no agaim I'm back to square one....it makes me so down that still the boys have had yet another wasteman in their lives and he sed he would never leave and was happy. Im just gonna concentrate n them now and live be on my own. I can't go through this again.

 

You still have a family, your boys and really they are all you need. To prevent this from happening in the future I would suggest you marry before moving a man in with you and your children.

[lostnlove007]

I've been also been struggling to get past this. for the longest tim I would just wish that she'd call and give me another chance to make things right. It's now been almost 2 months since my BU with my GF. Its been extremely difficult during that time. We had some NC and have seen each other twice since the BU. Also she has been dropping breadcrumbs for the past week (this weekend was weird btwn us) and I gobbled them up, but when I call and I speak with her, I'm left speechless with how angry and mean she is. Remembering that has helped me come to terms that I have to go NC for my own sanity. I was in the wrong for the BU and hurt her dearly, but she waived the towel at our first major fight and decided to not talk about the issues.

 

This is a great quote that has really helped me move forward:

 

"When people are willing to walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is not tied to the person who leaves."

This line has really helped me realize that no matter how much I wanted her back or loved her, it wasn't important enough to her and try and make it work. I hope this may help someone else when the feel urge to break NC.

[Sara16]

The thing is if I hadn't kept nagging at him to do things with us and just left him and done it on my own and give him space to do his own thing rather always expecting him to do what im doing then he would have still been about also I'm feeling quite guilty that I kicked him out of our house because he kept telling me he was fed up. It was frustrating He would just sit there miserable and not talk just play games on his phone rather than just talk things through with me then look at the clock and go bed at 10pm I kept asking and asking him and then i would get angry at him because he would tell me to shut up. He ain't talking about it and I should give it a rest. If he had opened up to me we could have talked through it but he never once argued back or discuss anything bout it it was always shut up then that morning as I got home from my nightshift at 7 am he said he was going out I a sed him where so early and he said just out I asked him to have a coffee with me before he left so we could talk and he said I just don't want to be here so I told him to just leave. He hesitated and said where am I going to go and I told him to go to his mums or something because I can't do with him miserable anymore as its gettin me down and i cant undrrstand why when he has evetything. A couple of days before he did say part of him wanted to be with me and part of him wants to be alone so then I did have enough but I feel kinda bad doing it because he did go halves with me on everything bills and furniture and I've kicked him out and he's in a bedsit and I think me doing that plus the nagging and arguments that hass made him stay away. I did say some hurtful things like he's boring..he needs to man up...mummys boy and that I could do better than him which I do regret as I'm gutted now we are not together but how long can I go with how he behaved towards me that's why I feel I drove him away and no what am I doing messaging him and calling him back and he's ignored everything but would never talk to me. He did say if I was to nag at him anymore he would go and he did. He said we were both different people but why tell me after 3 years. A week before we were walking around town hand in hand and everyday several times a day he would tell me he loved me I just don't get it.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Sara16

[Zahara]

Prior to that we have always been ok but he has always been quite boring tho it's me that arranges holidays or days out he rarely shows interest in doing anything. He just wants to sit at home everyday he will come some places with me bit looks miserable.

 

With everything you're saying, it sounds like you're in a place where you feel that it would be best to settle for just about anything, just so you can have a little something. Even if it wasn't fulfilling -- better to just have anything, right?

 

I noted your first paragraph from your first post. If anyone has to live in a relationship that requires the other person to keep carrying it afloat while the other just goes along existing in it, then what you did was the right thing.

 

If you feel you have to sacrifice your needs and wants in a relationship just so you don't rock the other person's boat, then you'll settle for little to nothing because that's all you believe you deserve.

 

You are essentially saying you should have shut up just to keep him around. You are saying that you should have not communicated your concerns and dissatisfaction because it upset him -- if it meant anything to him, he would have worked with you to make changes early into those issues rather than let it go on for so long. You should have tolerated sacrificing the bare minimum of expectations from a partner just so you can keep him around. You should have just shut one eye even when your boys weren't able to connect with him because he would rather watch TV and teach them what a relationship between two people and a family should entail -- just to have someone around. Right?

 

You're not going to heal if you keep victimizing and beating yourself up over and for him. It's time you start checking your line of thinking because it's going to keep you in a pattern of self-loathing.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Zahara

[Souldier1234]

Lets tell the truth. You are already in a pattern of self-loathing.

 

You keep telling us about the past and trying to solve it. What has ever been solved in the past? Lets focus on you and today. What did you do today besides punish yourself and think of him. What did you and the kids do today. Going back and forth wont bring healing.

 

Healing starts today. In the present. What have you don't today that has empowered you. It could be anything big or small. Just as long as you are not stuck in the past or living in a dark future. If you take care of today, the future will take care of itself.

 

You have all the power inside you. it only works for you when you stop playing mental games with yourself.

[Sara16]

I regret messaging him as much as I have its just made me look needy and that I can't be without him. He didn't even bother reading the messages I sent him either and he never responded I should have stayed strong after he left and just let him go. I feel really silly now because if he looks at the messages I sent a week ago next week he gonna think she's still on my case. I don't know why I feel so bad. My relationship with him was so unforfilling. He was just there. The way he acted was not normal. He acted like a child. I should be relieved he's gone insted of feeling like this. I have booked a holiday for myself and boys and will get away for a bit and when back I'll start a fresh .

[Souldier1234]

Dear one.

This is my last post on this thread as I sense you have all the tools you need to find your journey back to life. I sense you are still focused on past mistakes and keep reliving them in your mind. I feel you should really start listening to yourself. Listen carefully to your thoughts. Do not judge yourself or others, have compassion while you catch your thoughts, going back, reliving the mistakes. You start to see that you are going in a loop and never forward. We were all needy and begged someone at one stage in our lives, when we shouldn't have. Even your ex has or will get to experience this. Making these kind of mistakes is called growth. It called learning. You are becoming enlightened. Enlightened means "the end of suffering". You are learning to stop your own internal suffering, your own inner pain. This time without anyone or anything but yourself. This is a blessing disguised as a mistake.

 

Notice how we all in this thread are talking about YOU and focusing on YOU, but you keep focusing on him and the past or a future that will never exist. Please join in on the conversation and tell us about you and how you are accepting or dealing with the immediate present.

 

I am so glad you booked a holiday today. This gives us light that you are working on yourself today, so you can have a successful tomorrow. Keep telling us things you and your boys did today, that ensure your lives are better for tomorrow. I believe that success is the best revenge against an ex. It forces you to work on yourself and achieve your own personal goals without the attention of an ex. Keep living. Keep loving. Keep growing. Keep working on finding your inner Being, where you can source all your power, love and joy from, and soon you will attain all of the riches you seek, and they will come in abundance.

[Zahara]

I regret messaging him as much as I have its just made me look needy and that I can't be without him. He didn't even bother reading the messages I sent him either and he never responded I should have stayed strong after he left and just let him go. I feel really silly now because if he looks at the messages I sent a week ago next week he gonna think she's still on my case. I don't know why I feel so bad. My relationship with him was so unforfilling. He was just there. The way he acted was not normal. He acted like a child. I should be relieved he's gone insted of feeling like this. I have booked a holiday for myself and boys and will get away for a bit and when back I'll start a fresh .

 

What's done is done. You can't go back and change that -- regardless of your behavior, he would have left either way if you're wondering whether your "neediness" caused him to walk away.

 

You're feeling this way because eventhough he didn't add to your life, you still attached to him emotionally and mentally. It's normal to feel this way regardless of his impact on your life. You are suffering a loss -- someone that was a routine and became familiar in your life. You're going to feel this way for awhile. But you need to retrain your brain. Whenever you start falling into a hole of idealizing him, you need to start rationalizing and grasping reality. Get yourself out of that "poor me - he's so great" thinking.

 

It's good that you have planned a holiday with your boys. You all deserve it. Time for all of you to reconnect and enjoy each other. You're going to have such a great time being able to do whatever you want rather than wondering why he's moody, or why he won't go to dinner with you, or why he just wants to stay in the room -- you don't want that mess on your hands. Life is too short to keep walking on eggshells over this clown.

[Sara16]

Thankyou all so much for advising me it's helped alot. I don't really talk about him other than on here I spend alot of time alone. I'm just going to go day by day and concentrate on me and the boys. The boys are spending more time with me now we all sit together downstairs more and watch TV and my new job gives me more time at home to get out more with them. They both told me they didn't feel comfortable down with us when he was around it was so boring and miserable and they didn't feel welcome to sit with us which makes me feel sad and explains why I never saw them when I'd get home from work. I'm just gonna spend time with them without a man being about and make up the time I've missed with them. Yes it will hurt not having someone adult around and in mind feel I have the "family" thing but everything happens for a reason I guess -)

[Zahara]

Thankyou all so much for advising me it's helped alot. I don't really talk about him other than on here I spend alot of time alone. I'm just going to go day by day and concentrate on me and the boys. The boys are spending more time with me now we all sit together downstairs more and watch TV and my new job gives me more time at home to get out more with them. They both told me they didn't feel comfortable down with us when he was around it was so boring and miserable and they didn't feel welcome to sit with us which makes me feel sad and explains why I never saw them when I'd get home from work. I'm just gonna spend time with them without a man being about and make up the time I've missed with them. Yes it will hurt not having someone adult around and in mind feel I have the "family" thing but everything happens for a reason I guess -)

 

What you have now IS a family. There was nothing "family' about your boys feeling uncomfortable sitting in their own living room with this man around. Just because he was another adult in the home doesn't mean anything. Yes, everything happens for a reason -- you and your boys can now be a family again.

[Sara16]

So today I get an email it says....

 

Hi hope your OK.

 

I really appreciate you trying to get us back together and I know it's hard for everyone involved. It's not easy but I think I will be better off on my own. I can not see myself in a relationship I need my own space and do my own thing

 

Really sorry.

 

Im really angry and I have wrote message ready to send telling him how selfish he is and how bad he's treated me and that I don't want to have anything to do with him again. He's also been telling my friend who he met up town my today oh yeah I'm still in touch with her we are fine and we are talking. Er no he hasn't been answering my calls or msges. Should I send msg of how angry I am at the way he's gone?

[Zahara]

So today I get an email it says....

 

Hi hope your OK.

 

I really appreciate you trying to get us back together and I know it's hard for everyone involved. It's not easy but I think I will be better off on my own. I can not see myself in a relationship I need my own space and do my own thing

 

Really sorry.

 

Im really angry and I have wrote message ready to send telling him how selfish he is and how bad he's treated me and that I don't want to have anything to do with him again. He's also been telling my friend who he met up town my today oh yeah I'm still in touch with her we are fine and we are talking. Er no he hasn't been answering my calls or msges. Should I send msg of how angry I am at the way he's gone?

 

No, block and remove yourself from anymore drama.

 

You need to take responsibility for this as well. You allowed him to treat you badly. You had the power to remove yourself from the situation but you enabled his behavior. This isn't all him.

 

If someone is able to treat you that way, trust he doesn't care about how angry you are about his behavior or what you have to say about how else you feel.