Not in a good place...

[Who_took_my_name]

So I’m new here and I’ve been wondering how to tell my story without writing a huge essay, maybe a shorter introduction would help!

 

Anyway, I’d summarise things by saying I’m not currently in a good place. To give some background I’ve been married for 7 years and we have 2 kids – 5 and 2. I’m at the stage where I just feel like a parent and nothing else, almost like my wife is happy for me to be there and do what I do but no more, i.e. we’re no longer a couple. We have no family local to us (due to people passing away and remainder living a long distance away) so get no time to be a couple, I’d give my right leg to pop out for a pub meal and trip to the cinema. I think that in turn reflects itself onto the rest of our lives. We rarely have sex, maybe 3 or 4 times a year, and even then it feels forced / awkward like she feels she has to. I’m not the type of guy who needs sex to feel loved but I do need some form of intimacy, physical or emotional, and we’re just so far from that, we’ve just drifted to become a set of parents. The amount of times I’ve asked why she sits all tucked up in a way that I can never get nearer but I’ve got nowhere. I honestly can’t remember the last time she initiated any form of intimacy other than a quick peck when she goes to bed or we leave for work.

 

We do everything together and all 4 of us are pretty much constantly together at the weekends. Whenever I want to do anything at the weekend or of an evening it becomes an issue – I’m quite into adventure/mud races and do a couple a year but am made to feel guilty for it and I’m unable to regularly play squash, which I love doing. I’ve given up going to watch my rugby team completely, having kids has caused that but I still used to go once or twice a season but now I don’t even bother to save the guilt trip and potential argument. I’ve literally never stopped my wife doing anything since we’ve got married but it feels to me I am giving things up, I’m more than happy for her to go out with friends or to a spa as I know how much I value that time away. Maybe I’m just being a pushover?!

 

We don’t live in the same place I grew up (it was north, we live south where she is from) and whilst I like living here and I guess you could say I’m settled I’m also lonely. I’ve changed jobs a few times for various reasons and never really got my own circle of friends locally as mine live elsewhere. Seems madness to say I’m lonely when I live with 3 other people. I’m a member of squash club but not being able to go regularly (not worth the hassle) means I’ve not formed in depth friendships there and I rarely go to social events.

 

I guess I’m lonely and I feel trapped. I just don’t know what to do, the kids are my world. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we didn’t have them (not that I’d have it any other way), a friend of mine got divorced last year and whilst it wasn’t easy for her they had no kids and that made the process easier. I’m not one for threatening divorce or anything and yes whilst counselling might help I don’t see how we can do it because there’s nobody to have the kids. Feels like a never ending circle!

 

That's a bit of an emotional dump and really I'm not moaning, just trying put it out there!

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m a member of squash club but not being able to go regularly

 

I'm curious how she keeps you from going - Gun? Knife? Chains?

 

Sorry for the tough love but this is 100% on you. Assuming you are indeed fair in your offers to reciprocate, her efforts to stop you from associating with friends or fellow squash enthusiasts only work if you buy into it. It's not only reasonable, it's healthy to have the occasional couples or solo outing away from the kids. You should continue to actively campaign to do the same for her.

 

Besides, how's she going to punish you - withhold sex ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

YOU have to start talking to your wife, about the sex and how it makes you feel, about how lonely you are and how you want to go do some of the things you enjoy doing.

Of course you need to take a long hard look at your input into this relationship too, if she is doing most of the work with the kids or she is left to take most of the responsibility, then she is going to be resentful and so you suggesting you are going to enjoy yourself leaving her to carry even more of the can is not going to go down well.

Also the sex, are you making it enjoyable/exciting for her, mediocre PIV and a blow job is not going to enthrall her.

You need to reassess your whole approach here.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think you need to find a way to get some time away from the kids- both alone and as a couple. Since you are the one posting here for advice, I think you should take the initiative to find a babysitting arrangement. I understand it is hard without family nearby but you are just going to have to get creative. Do you take your kids to the park? Are there other parents there with whom you can swap babysitting time? Can you ask around for references to quality sitters? Are there any groups you can join for parents/ dads to expand your network and find some support/ help? The internet (meetup, etc.) Could be a good resource for finding other people in similar situations. I am sure they are out there!

 

Regarding your wife guilt-tripping you into giving up your hobbies- I agree with the poster who said you need to put your foot down. It is not healthy, either for you or the marriage, to be so isolated. But before you get back into squash, I think focusing on findinf a suport network that could help both you and your wife find some relief from your kids could be really positive for your marriage. Its possible that her resentment of your hobbies stems from the fact that she is feels just as lonely as you and is jealous when you are able to get away and have some adult time. You say you have no problem with her going out, but how often does she actually do it? Has she lost touch with her interests outside being a mom?

 

Your kids are at the age where they are starting to be social and play with others. I think they can be a great avenue through which to make friends with similar lifestyles/ interests.

Edited March 31, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[privategal]

Tell her you love her and tell her "I miss us"

Look in the classifieds for a babysitter...once a month take her out!

Make your family outings a little further out to a lake or beach or overnight stay...get adjoining room so when the kids go to sleep you have some couple time.

Dont keep quiet, talk. It wont get better.

You gotta get it on the table.

Regarding doing your own thing..tell her you are going to start...offer to watch the kids if she also wants to pursue a hobby but let her know, I am not going to be made to feel guilty and I want to be happy so if you get upset I wont feel bad because I am letting you know respectfully I give my all to our family and just want some time to have fun, its not personal.

Talk talk talk...ask for what you want...your marriage seems fixable but you gotta take some initiative.

Then revisit in a few weeks after...hey, I brought up wanting more romance, etc and making some changes, can you meet me half way? You need to take steps too, is there anything I can do to make our romance stronger? Is anything missing for you? Can we start with more cuddling even....

You dont need to feel bad addressing things. If later it comes to divorce you will feel you did all you could at least.

[Who_took_my_name]

Good advice all, thanks for the tips. I've looked into babysitters before, might try the girls at nursery as we know and trust them. I've suggested friends but her response is always "we can't reciprocate for them (because they have family close by) so I can't ask". She's also refused the option to go out when my family have been down, very frustrating. Think I'm going to force the issue and see who's happens.

 

I played squash last night! I'm aiming to play once a week, more and I think it's harsh as I miss kids bath time. I'm also going to suggest she goes back to Pilates as she used to love it. Plus it might give her more body confidence (not that she needs it as I think she's very sexy).

 

Someone asked about do I pull my weight? I think I do but then I guess it's down to opinion. We share bath times, I do all the cooking and ironing (I'm not exaggerating), tend to share washing but I'll be honest she does the majority of the cleaning. Our eldest is very much a mummy's boy so will go to her more but we both spend time with them. She only works part time so sees the kids more and maybe that plays into it.

 

It's good to be able to vocalise (well, write down) on here and get some opinions so I'll be sure to stick around and hopefully help others too.

[wmacbride]

Are your kids in any sort of school or daycare yet? If so, is it possible for the two of you to take a day off work together? That way you wouldn't need to have to find a sitter.

 

Also, I understand where your wife is coming form about finding it hard to leave the kids with someone else watching them. The thing is that it's actually good for kids to spend some time away form mom and dad for a few hours every now and again. If your wife feels guilty about it, then try planning an evening out for the two of your, then the next day, something really fun you can do as a family.

 

The kids will be happy, especially if you tell your oldest that you are proud of the way he is growing up and you think that you can trust him/her enough now to spend a evening with a sitter keeping an eye on them so you and mom can go out. If he/she is good for the babysitter, there will be a chance for the four of your to do something special the next day. Also, give him a bit of responsibility. Tell him or her that the sitter will need some help with their younger child. That way, he'll feel important, his behavior will be better, and the chance the experience will go well for all will increase.

 

For a lot of parents the first tie leaving your children with a sitter so you can have an evening out is the hardest. Once your wife sees that it worked out well, the chance increases that she'll be willing to do it again.

 

If it works out well, be prepared to feel like a couple of giddy teenagers again. It can be a lot of fun

[BetheButterfly]

 

I played squash last night! I'm aiming to play once a week, more and .

 

That's awesome!!!

I think it's harsh as I miss kids bath time

Oh come on now, as long as their Mom is there, it's not harsh!

 

I'm also going to suggest she goes back to Pilates as she used to love it. Plus it might give her more body confidence (not that she needs it as I think she's very sexy).

Aww Yes definitely she needs time to herself too! Zumba is fun also, in my opinion!

Someone asked about do I pull my weight? I think I do but then I guess it's down to opinion. We share bath times, I do all the cooking and ironing (I'm not exaggerating), tend to share washing but I'll be honest she does the majority of the cleaning. Our eldest is very much a mummy's boy so will go to her more but we both spend time with them. She only works part time so sees the kids more and maybe that plays into it.

 

It's good to be able to vocalise (well, write down) on here and get some opinions so I'll be sure to stick around and hopefully help others too.

Super!!!

 

I think it's awesome all you do to help your wife and your kids. A good Husband and Dad is one of the most greatest blessings on earth, in my opinion!

 

My Dad used to help my Mom a lot when we were kids; my 3 sisters and I are forever grateful! :bunny::bunny:

[wmacbride]

I just want to reiterate that you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting you and your wife to spend some time on your own.

 

I know how it's easy to fall into the idea that as a parent, you should always be there, but it's actually good for your kids to spend a bit of time every now and again with a sitter. It gives them a sense of independence and is good for mom and dad too.

 

In our situation, it's a bit different, as we needed a sitter who's qualified to provide respite care. The times we were able to go out were wonderful. Now that are kids are getting up in their teen years and can be on their own for a bit longer, we had an overnight at a local hotel.

 

The staff at the hotel and restaurant we went to asked if we were newlyweds they were surprise when we said we'd been married almost 20 years.

[Orion39]

I can relate what you are going through, I feel the same way regarding my sex life with my wife. For me it was weird/awkward to bring up, but if you do not say anything about it nothing can change. It's good for you to be together sexually as a couple and to go out on dates. Helps to keep your relationship fresh, leaves you feeling loved which in turn makes you a better father and husband.

 

While time together is important so is time apart. See what you can work out so each of you can do something that is of interest to you. My wife goes to these knitting groups once a month. Not the least bit interesting to me, but it is something she enjoys. You don't have to both do and like the same things, I think it is better you don't. That way you both can have your individual me time doing things you like to do. Let her know it is important that you get out and do these things, it's not that you are trying to get out of your duties at home, you are just looking to have an outlet to enjoy life in a healthy manner.

 

best of luck

[Who_took_my_name]

It's definitely the "us time" I / we (shouldn't be just me who tries in my opinion!) need to work on. Someone asked about school and day care, our eldest is in school and our youngest in nursery but time during the day isn't an option as my wife is a teacher so we can't do that. We've left them before when we see family so it's not that we've never left them, even been away for the odd night. She just seems to never want to and has turned down opportunities to do so, more since our youngest was born.

 

I think the sex thing is a result of the lack of us time, of course I miss it bit of I'm honest I miss intimacy more, just a cuddle on the sofa watching a film would do me lol. I need to have a talk with her otherwise we'll end up being one of those marriages where the kids go off to uni and you look at each other and realise there's nothing else left.

 

Also, the ironing cupboard is empty so I'm keeping on top of that haha!