[The topic of] infidelity and its effect on my marriage...

[TX-SC]

No, neither of us have cheated. We're celebrating 20 years of marriage in May. Reading the infidelity stories here always works to enlighten me of areas that I can improve myself and my marriage. The cheating is of course horrible. But, often the BS will admit that he/she treated their spouse badly, ignored their needs, etc. Why??? I'm certainly not saying cheating is justifiable in any situation. I'm just wondering how a person can promise to love and cherish their spouse then start to ignore them or choke the emotional bond that you share. It's sad. I read these stories, then I go give my wife a huge hug and look her square in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me. Not just a quick "I love you", but actually tell her how much she means to me and the many ways I love her. I then show her by doing the things she likes to do.

 

Could my wife cheat. Definately. But if she does, she can NEVER say I didn't give my all to her or that she was emotionally or physically starved. I take this whole marriage/life partnership thing seriously. I was cheated on by a fiancé many years ago. It hurt like hell. I don't ever want to go through that again. No, I don't smother her with affection or get too clingy/needy, but I make damn sure that she KNOWS what she means to me. I have a great wife and I don't take that for granted.

 

This site, and others like it have been so very helpful to me. I hope you guys are also using these threads to better your own marriages.

 

Now back to planning our 20th anniversary vacation to Asheville, NC!

[SammySammy]

Agreed.

 

This site has been eye-opening in so many ways.

 

Many of the problems (and solutions) are so predictable and consistent. One spouse deciding to withhold sex or affection ... leads to problems. Being uncaring, inconsiderate, irresponsible or disrespectful ... leads to problems. Tolerating abuse or other mistreatment ... leads to problems. Refusing to learn and grow ... leads to problems.

 

These are all things that should be common sense, but to see the devastating affects of them play out day after day is sobering.

 

It would make any wise person realize the importance of investing in themselves and their relationship. The consequences of not doing so - as we see daily - are harsh.

[BetheButterfly]

Agreed.

 

This site has been eye-opening in so many ways.

 

Many of the problems (and solutions) are so predictable and consistent. One spouse deciding to withhold sex or affection ... leads to problems. Being uncaring, inconsiderate, irresponsible or disrespectful ... leads to problems. Tolerating abuse or other mistreatment ... leads to problems. Refusing to learn and grow ... leads to problems.

 

These are all things that should be common sense, but to see the devastating affects of them play out day after day is sobering.

 

It would make any wise person realize the importance of investing in themselves and their relationship. The consequences of not doing so - as we see daily - are harsh.

 

Eloquently stated.

 

As one of my mentors says, "Marriage is a garden. To have a beautiful garden, you need to keep the weeds out and fertilize the plants you want. You also need to keep the bushy-tailed foxes lol out. Two people working together can have a beautiful garden; they just have to take the time and the effort and learn how best to do it."

[sandylee1]

Yes .... These type of forums are very enlightening for a relationships and marriages.

Some of the stories of infidelity are truly heartbreaking .... how a spouse goes from being so loving .... to a person you don't recognise..... because they are giving themselves to another.

 

Even though you hear of affairs..... actually hearing on these forums about people committing suicide, become ill, going on anti depressants, self harming and the damage it does to kids as well.

I would have never imagined how devastating it is for your spouse to cheat.

 

I think it would be a good idea...if alongside saying your wedding vows, when completing the required documentation... that you signed away your entitlement to 75% of the marital assets in the event of you commiting adultery.

 

I'm sure there would either be an increase in the divorce rate or a decline in marriage .... because some people know they are incapable of fidelity and won't risk loosing so much.

[TX-SC]

When I was cheated on by my fiancée many years ago, it was an eye opening experience for me. I am HD and my wife is LD, but I would NEVER cheat on her. I have lived that pain and would not want to subject her to it. The stories here only help to reinforce that.

 

It's just so sad how some people take their marriage for granted and put no effort into it.

[dichotomy]

I do get where you are coming from - I do think spouses should value and treasure what they have - and never stop working at it with their partners needs and wants in mind. I also get (very well in fact) the position of feeling if cheating happens you can hold your head high that you were not a factor.

 

But.

 

I did nothing to justify her lies and cheating - I was a great boyfriend/fiancé '/husband. It did help that I could stand firm that it was 100% her issues, but it still hurt. Perhaps in some ways it hurt more to have been so giving and have it do nothing in return.

 

On the other hand, if one wanted to get in to reasons for cheating ( not justification)- I have more than a few from the lies, disrespect, EA, and very low (occasionally no) sex phases. My wife having been a mistress, you think would have understood better what environment she was creating in her own marriage. But to date I have never cheated.

Edited April 1, 2016 by dichotomy

[TX-SC]

I do get where you are coming from - I do think spouses should value and treasure what they have - and never stop working at it with their partners needs and wants in mind. I also get (very well in fact) the position of feeling if cheating happens you can hold your head high that you were not a factor.

 

But.

 

I did nothing to justify her lies and cheating - I was a great boyfriend/fiancé '/husband. It did help that I could stand firm that it was 100% her issues, but it still hurt. Perhaps in some ways it hurt more to have been so giving and have it do nothing in return.

 

On the other hand, if one wanted to get in to reasons for cheating ( not justification)- I have more than a few from the lies, disrespect, EA, and very low (occasionally no) sex phases. My wife having been a mistress, you think would have understood better what environment she was creating in her own marriage. But to date I have never cheated.

 

Oh, I understand that cheating isn't always rooted in marital issues. Some people are just wired to cheat or honestly do just make a mistake or things get out of hand. But, in your situation, don't discredit the fact that you never cheated. You can hold your head high knowing this was ALL on her. Does it ease the pain? Probably not a lot. But it is something to be proud of.

[TrustedthenBusted]

No, neither of us have cheated.

 

 

Not for nothing, but we all said that once too.

[TX-SC]

Oh, I understand that. But, like I said, if she ever does she will have no reason to blame me.

[jasmineb]

Yes .... These type of forums are very enlightening for a relationships and marriages.

Some of the stories of infidelity are truly heartbreaking .... how a spouse goes from being so loving .... to a person you don't recognise..... because they are giving themselves to another.

 

Even though you hear of affairs..... actually hearing on these forums about people committing suicide, become ill, going on anti depressants, self harming and the damage it does to kids as well.

I would have never imagined how devastating it is for your spouse to cheat.

 

I think it would be a good idea...if alongside saying your wedding vows, when completing the required documentation... that you signed away your entitlement to 75% of the marital assets in the event of you commiting adultery.

 

I'm sure there would either be an increase in the divorce rate or a decline in marriage .... because some people know they are incapable of fidelity and won't risk loosing so much.

 

It is interesting that this post actually focuses on the opposite of what the OP pointed out.

 

I have learned things from reading about other people's stories and have gotten some very good tips. In a long term relationship trust is still earned and cannot be assumed or taken for granted. If something seems to be very off it is wise to investigate it. And also I have seen the value of what the OP actually said: relationships are lifelong things to nurture and work on, and choosing to allow them to die on the vine or knowingly yank them from the ground can be devastating.

[MJJean]

I do get where you are coming from - I do think spouses should value and treasure what they have - and never stop working at it with their partners needs and wants in mind.

 

I did nothing to justify her lies and cheating - I was a great boyfriend/fiancé '/husband.

 

Perhaps in some ways it hurt more to have been so giving and have it do nothing in return.

 

I think some people, like you, do everything right according to conventional wisdom. You do what you believe needs to be done to meet your partners perceived needs. The problem is that sometimes a partner actually needs something vastly different.

[jasmineb]

There is a movie I have seen several times called When Harry Met Sally. If you have seen it you will know of the scene in the diner where the Sally character fakes an orgasm. Before she does this she is somewhat amused by the Harry character saying he would know if a woman did this. She said this:

 

It's just that most time at one time or another have faked it and most men say it has never happened to them so you do the math.

 

Cheating is, in my opinion, always wrong, never justified, and a very cruel and damaging and selfish thing for one spouse to do to another.

 

however, doing the math, it would seem that the proportion of reported perfect spouses as reported on the internet are probably higher than the reality. So like the OP, it would be wise to concede that doing one's best in the marriage is vital and a good idea.

[SammySammy]

There is a movie I have seen several times called When Harry Met Sally. If you have seen it you will know of the scene in the diner where the Sally character fakes an orgasm. Before she does this she is somewhat amused by the Harry character saying he would know if a woman did this. She said this:

 

It's just that most time at one time or another have faked it and most men say it has never happened to them so you do the math.

 

Cheating is, in my opinion, always wrong, never justified, and a very cruel and damaging and selfish thing for one spouse to do to another.

 

however, doing the math, it would seem that the proportion of reported perfect spouses as reported on the internet are probably higher than the reality. So like the OP, it would be wise to concede that doing one's best in the marriage is vital and a good idea.

 

Our best is all we can do. If both spouses are doing their best, then I think the chances of having a successful relationship are very high.

 

What we often see here is people doing less than their best and then wondering why their relationship blew up.

[healingsoul]

Thank you for your post. I read a lot of them and this is the first one like yours. I also have benefited in so many ways from reading and helping others, but also for asking for help when I need it. Happy 20th.

[jasmineb]

Our best is all we can do. If both spouses are doing their best, then I think the chances of having a successful relationship are very high.

 

What we often see here is people doing less than their best and then wondering why their relationship blew up.

 

I believe this is because we all tend to be egocentric in what we value. What I deem to be important to me is important. If I do not feel the importance of something then it is not important. For some people spending much time talking would be important. But if I am not a talker and do not enjoy idle conversation, I might make the mistake of pronouncing talking as objectively unimportant. If I personally do not have a high need for physical intimacy then I may decide internally that it is objectively just not important. So if my spouse cheats because they are starved for conversation and intimacy, I will still believe I was a very good spouse because I already decided that what they needed and were not getting was not important.

 

As I sad again and top be clear, cheating is wrong and hurtful and not an answer or justifiable. However, it is hard for the mathematical and statistical portion of my brain to believe that such a high percentage of people are flawless spouses. It is more likely that we believe our flaws to be insignificant because WE do not value what they represent.

[SammySammy]

I believe this is because we all tend to be egocentric in what we value. What I deem to be important to me is important. If I do not feel the importance of something then it is not important. For some people spending much time talking would be important. But if I am not a talker and do not enjoy idle conversation, I might make the mistake of pronouncing talking as objectively unimportant. If I personally do not have a high need for physical intimacy then I may decide internally that it is objectively just not important. So if my spouse cheats because they are starved for conversation and intimacy, I will still believe I was a very good spouse because I already decided that what they needed and were not getting was not important.

 

As I sad again and top be clear, cheating is wrong and hurtful and not an answer or justifiable. However, it is hard for the mathematical and statistical portion of my brain to believe that such a high percentage of people are flawless spouses. It is more likely that we believe our flaws to be insignificant because WE do not value what they represent.

 

I understand your point.

 

For me, part of being my best is being considerate of my partner. Relationships are partnerships and we must consider (and strive to fulfill) each others needs in order to have the strongest union possible.

[jasmineb]

I was with someone for whom a clean car was very important. I mean to say very important. This is not something I think is a very big deal; however, I always made sure that if we were to ride in my car, it was very clean. He did not understand why I wanted certain things to match (such as dishes and silverware if we had guests). But if we were having guests and he was helping to prepare, he always made sure the things matched even if it meant washing a fork or two.

 

That is what people do when they love unselfishly.

[sandylee1]

It is interesting that this post actually focuses on the opposite of what the OP pointed out.

 

.

 

Yes..that was my point. That in seeing the other side ... it makes me so very grateful for the marriage I have .... free of infidelity.

On reading these forums ... if I was crazy enough to think of going down that road ... although having been cheated on before marriage I know how horrible it is.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We married at 17 and 19...met at church. He was the only boy i ever dated. We had a perfect marriage. I was the perfect wife. We had two babies...a boy and a girl. We had a house and 2 cars. I was a SAHM. He had a good job and was going to school to make a better living for our little family. We went to church three times a week. I sang in the choir. I was one of those people...like many here...who professed I would NEVER cheat....and I meant every word I said.

 

And then...for no reason really...in the 11th year of our marriage....I cheated. I don't think I am "wired" differently....like I am some kind of freak of nature as some suggest.

 

I think I had the opportunity and i justified it in my mind and i did it because i was selfish and WANTED to.

 

I have learned a lot from forums...I have found good books to read...I have exchanged Ideas with others on how to pursue healing. I will forever be grateful for the information i have received and it has made a huge difference in my life.

 

I find it amazing that people from every walk of life come to forums and offer advice on subjects that they have never experienced...or make judgments about people they don't know. They seem to have all of the answers and yet have no idea what it feels like to have infidelity destroy a relationship...they only know what they have read.

 

Infidelity has changed my life....it has changed my relationship with my husband of almost 44 years. I will never again take him for granted...because I know what it feels like to almost lose him...I count my blessings every day because i know i don't deserve them. I have compassion for people that i always thought were unlovable. I have become less judgmental about people that are different than i am....and I have great empathy for those who have suffered the effects of infidelity.

 

We have a wonderful relationship in spite of my infidelity....and it saddens me to think what it would have been ...what our relationship would have looked like without the scar we carry.

 

Most marriages don't survive infidelity....most marriages don't last 44 years...we are very blessed. Happy Anniversary next week John.....and may we celebrate many many more years together.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I was a SAHM. I sang in the choir. I was one of those people...like many here...who professed I would NEVER cheat....and I meant every word I said.

 

And then...for no reason really...in the 11th year of our marriage....I cheated. I don't think I am "wired" differently....like I am some kind of freak of nature as some suggest.

 

I think I had the opportunity and i justified it in my mind and i did it because i was selfish and WANTED to.

 

.

 

You are not wired differently at all MJA.

 

 

What separates you from being perfect is that you are wired just like everyone else.

 

 

This is a very controversial quote but I think it deserves thoughtful contemplation but the sex columnist Dan Savage has stated - "The people that have been married for 30-40 years and only slipped up once or twice are not failures at monogamy, they are actually the good ones at monogamy."

 

 

While I know some people will disagree strongly, I think it is actually a very powerful and telling concept.

 

 

I am not condoning or excusing any kind of infidelity at all, but we must always realize that life-long, happy monogamy with one and only partner is completely unnatural and not in our basic hardwiring.

 

 

We have 4 basic options to choose from when it comes to sexual programming. we can either -

 

 

- take one partner, remain strictly monogamous and grit our teeth and find a way deal with the frustration, dissatisfaction and constant urges for more for 60+ years.

 

 

- form temporary partnerships and break up when the urges to be with someone else reach a certain point (ie serial monogamy)

 

 

- Have dalliances behind our partner's back without their consent (ie cheat)

 

 

- Have some form of open marriage with sexual contact with others with our partner's knowledge and consent (ie swinging, open marriage, polyamory etc)

 

 

 

 

Pick one of those 4 because blissful, happy, satisfied, no-urges, life long monogamy is not an option. It doesn't exist outside of Fairyland.

 

 

So getting back to your infidelity MJA, that was not caused by you being abnormal or defective or wired differently than everyone else. It was do to you being the same as everyone else.

 

 

Everyone has the same drive to diversify their sexual repertoire. Infidelity occurs when the opportunity and drive meet, but there is not an immediate, overriding reason not to at that exact moment.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

We have a wonderful relationship in spite of my infidelity....and it saddens me to think what it would have been ...what our relationship would have looked like without the scar we carry.

 

Most marriages don't survive infidelity....most marriages don't last 44 years...we are very blessed.

.

 

 

 

You don't get to choose what your marriage may have been without the infidelity and you don't have the power or the clairvoyance to make that determination.

 

 

By both your and Mr JA admissions your marriage is happy and solid now. For all you know, if infidelity had not touched your lives, you may have been miserable for many decades and living in quiet desperation or you may have simply grown tired of each other and divorced and moved on to other lives.

 

 

You simply don't know exactly what ripples and changes and impacts and butterfly effects that your infidelities had or did not have on the rest of your lives together.

 

 

Now to clear and reiterate, I am absolutely NOT condoning infidelity or saying that infidelity helps marriages. I am simply saying The Lord works in mysterious ways that we do not understand and we don't know where any one event falls into the grand master plan.

 

 

For all you know, the boredom and tedium of marriage could have gotten too great and the urge to be with someone else could have gotten too much for one of both of you and you may have simply divorced and moved on and split up your family (that seems to be what most of the posters on these forums want people to do)

 

 

In the big scheme of an 80+ year life span, is that really a better or a worse outcome?? I don't have that answer, but I don't think you or anyone else has a clear answer to that question either. For some people and some circumstances, the answer is clearly yes. For others the answer may be no.

 

 

My point is, you don't have the wisdom or the knowledge or the grace to say that your marriage is somehow "less" than it would be had infidelity not occurred in your past. For all you know, if the infidelity had not occurred with all of it's associated soul-searching and heart to heart communications and all of the work etc etc etc, your marriage may simply have died at some point or it may have gone into a long, tortuous coma where both of you simply continued to keep breathing and living long, empty lives in separate rooms of the house.

[xxoo]

We have 4 basic options to choose from when it comes to sexual programming. we can either -

 

 

- take one partner, remain strictly monogamous and grit our teeth and find a way deal with the frustration, dissatisfaction and constant urges for more for 60+ years.

 

 

- form temporary partnerships and break up when the urges to be with someone else reach a certain point (ie serial monogamy)

 

 

- Have dalliances behind our partner's back without their consent (ie cheat)

 

 

- Have some form of open marriage with sexual contact with others with our partner's knowledge and consent (ie swinging, open marriage, polyamory etc)

 

 

 

 

Pick one of those 4 because blissful, happy, satisfied, no-urges, life long monogamy is not an option. It doesn't exist outside of Fairyland.

 

What?

 

We are 25 years into monogamy. Of course we've both had attractions to others in the course of our relationship. I don't equate that with dissatisfaction or frustration, mostly because we have had strong attraction to each other throughout. Who cares if there are other people on the planet I want to hump if I also want to hump this guy I'm lucky enough to have in my bed

 

Happy, satisfied, lifelong monogamy is an option. No urges isn't realistic for me, but urges only add to the spice of life, imo. It's just recognizing that I'm a healthy sexual being. I don't need to actually have sex with everyone I'm attracted to in order to be satisfied with what I have at home; that idea is crazy to me! I'd constantly be chasing the next thing and never be happy. Sounds miserable.

[TX-SC]

What?

 

We are 25 years into monogamy. Of course we've both had attractions to others in the course of our relationship. I don't equate that with dissatisfaction or frustration, mostly because we have had strong attraction to each other throughout. Who cares if there are other people on the planet I want to hump if I also want to hump this guy I'm lucky enough to have in my bed

 

Happy, satisfied, lifelong monogamy is an option. No urges isn't realistic for me, but urges only add to the spice of life, imo. It's just recognizing that I'm a healthy sexual being. I don't need to actually have sex with everyone I'm attracted to in order to be satisfied with what I have at home; that idea is crazy to me! I'd constantly be chasing the next thing and never be happy. Sounds miserable.

 

I agree. Of course there are women who I acknoqledge as attractive, but I don't fantasize about them or feel any desire to cheat. Plus, I just don't put myself in situations where cheating is an option. I don't hang out alone with female friends or go to bars.

[I4givehim]

I have learned in life never say never.... I thought my husband was depressed. So, I didn't bother him with the house, work, finances ect... I took it all on myself. I thought the stress of it all would have made him more depressed. Come to find out he was cheating on me. He said "I wasn't there for him." The sad part is I was having sex with him more then the OW. Instead of speaking up and saying how he felt he chose to destroy a 20 year marriage and 5 beautiful children's lives. A word to the wise SPEAK UP WHEN YOUR NOT HAPPY!!!!

[oldshirt]

What?

 

We are 25 years into monogamy. Of course we've both had attractions to others in the course of our relationship. I don't equate that with dissatisfaction or frustration, mostly because we have had strong attraction to each other throughout. Who cares if there are other people on the planet I want to hump if I also want to hump this guy I'm lucky enough to have in my bed

 

Happy, satisfied, lifelong monogamy is an option. No urges isn't realistic for me, but urges only add to the spice of life, imo. It's just recognizing that I'm a healthy sexual being. I don't need to actually have sex with everyone I'm attracted to in order to be satisfied with what I have at home; that idea is crazy to me! I'd constantly be chasing the next thing and never be happy. Sounds miserable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That means that you have been able to do option #1 until now and that is a good thing.

 

 

That is something that every couple has to reconcile and find a way to deal with. Every couple has to come up with a way to deal with the attractions and desires they feel for others as well as a way to deal with their own individual urges for variety and something different.

 

 

Some deal with it by recognizing it and accepting it and finding ways to vent it off while remaining exclusive to one another.

 

 

That's admirable and probably the ideal.