Shocker

[weylyniw]

My exMM chose his BW. Shocker, I know. But what I don't understand is what the hell happened.

 

A little, sort of, back story...exMM and I met at work. Emotional. Turned physical and then got very serious. He never promised to leave his wife and I never asked. However, he met my parents (at his insistence) and I met his kids (as a coworker/friend). We spent every day together and some nights. We had lunch together every day. He came to my home and fixed things. We had about as normal as a messed up affair relationship can be.

 

However, I was unhappy as the OW over time. I lovingly broke things off and told him that if his marital status ever changes, come let me know. He had a hard time with this and broke NC constantly, then one night he sent me a long, loving, sad message and his wife found his phone.

 

DDay.

 

Her reaction was mild to say the least. She texted me, saying she was pissed but not mad and that she hoped things worked out for us and she was ready. He left her that day. And went home that night.

 

I decided to let it go, or try to, and go NC. Two or three weeks post DDay, exMM began pushing that boundary. This lasted SEVEN months. Weekly texts. Daily, public Facebook posts that were thinly concealed code that he loved me or was sad. He would "run into me" places he knew where I'd be. He'd go out of his way to take routes that would drive by my house. He would leave letters. All the while, exclaiming the Song of my MM People that he was there for the kids and his marriage was dead but he couldn't reconcile leaving yet. All direct contact was met with the same message...I love you, but I need NC unless you decide you want to be single. He drank, he cried, and he eventually (BW enforced) went to IC.

 

All the while, I never hear from BW. Ever. She takes a very powerful job promotion and it keeps her on the road a lot. exMM refuses to move away from the area with her and basically tells her she can do whatever she wants, but he will find his own place and she can move to another state.

 

And I started therapy to help me figure out why this relationship was OK with me and how to unravel this mess.

.

A few days ago it got worse. Much, much worse. exMM works for a repair company and noticed my father's address on the job list. He requested the house. Proceeded to tell me. Then proceeded to tell my father he loved me and as with me. Fri-Wed he was contacting me, driving around my town, and expressing his love for me. Fine, you have my attention. We started talking, very lightly. I did/do love and miss him. Then Wed morning, a text...."Therapy has revealed to me that I love you but I also still love BW. I don't want to hurt her. She must love me, she has stood by me even after all I've done and I must stand by her."

 

I can reconcile the change. I can wrap my head around IC causing a shift. I just cannot for the life of me understand why this man, days prior, was bulldozing down my door and through my life to connect/restart affair/who knows and now suddenly has an epiphany that he loves BW.

[privategal]

Im sorry to hear of this mess.

Your heart must ache.

You can never sort out his head, its impossible.

I would only stay with your own thoughts, he is clearly confused but one thing is certain. He loves her. It is clear.

He wouldnt risk losing you or hurting you to say so if he didnt mean it.

With that...Id take it as closure and finallt go nc for good now and block all contact.

This is a scenario where you are going to need to firmly tell him no letters or drive by...to stay away and let him know you MEAN it.

Read Jenkins posts here.

Your xmm and him sound extremely similiar.

[whatatangledweb]

It could be the chase was the thrill. Once he had you back, the chase was over. I'm sorry he put you through this. Block him and don't give him a chance to hurt you any more.

[carhill]

I can reconcile the change. I can wrap my head around IC causing a shift. I just cannot for the life of me understand why this man, days prior, was bulldozing down my door and through my life to connect/restart affair/who knows and now suddenly has an epiphany that he loves BW.

 

Pretty normal stuff IME. People can change their mind at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all.

 

Exercise your prime directive, erase him by, ta da, changing your mind, task your IC to work that process and expect it to take awhile.

 

He made his choice, stated it clearly. What choices will you make? That's completely up to you. It's your power.

[Babs22]

Maybe, since he had you back, he figures you will stay with him even though he has chosen to stay with her. At least he has verbally told you he will stay with his wife. It's right there in black and white. You don't have to wonder or question anything.

I would go NC and block him every way you can. I'm sure he would continue the push-pull as long as you are willing to put up with it.

 

Sorry you are going through this by the way. I'm in an A with a married man too. It sucks. I know mine won't leave his W, but up till now have not been able to leave the R. I know it hurts like hell to let go. But we never really had them to begin with, did we? He made your choice, now let him know you need to move on. Keep coming here. There are so many OW right now going through this.

[Quiet Storm]

I can reconcile the change. I can wrap my head around IC causing a shift. I just cannot for the life of me understand why this man, days prior, was bulldozing down my door and through my life to connect/restart affair/who knows and now suddenly has an epiphany that he loves BW.

 

Because he is not an emotionally healthy person. He's got a weak character that changes depending on what's happening at the moment. No secure sense of self, just a mess of feelings and emotions.

 

BW has already accepted this, which is why she handled it "matter of factly", was OK with losing him and insisted on counseling.

 

She knows he's messed up in the head, but is trying to make the best of it, for her kids sake and because marriage is "for better for worse". But she's probably no longer surprised at his emotional instability, and has stopped trying to make sense of it all. She doesn't take the affair personally because she knows it's about him, his shortcomings and his weaknesses.

 

His behavior makes no sense and defies logic because he is emotionally unstable. Expecting him to behave as you would behave (or the way any stable & mature person would behave) is like expecting a deaf person to hear or wondering why a diabetic can't have sugar. It's just not who is he is. He doesn't process events or cope in a healthy way.

 

The best thing you can do is to accept him for the man that he really is- the unstable, indecisive, impulsive, emotionally driven guy who cries to your father one day and cries to his wife the next day.

 

A guy like this isn't capable of giving any woman what she needs in a partner. It will never make sense because he's not a sensible guy. Try to be grateful that you can move on, and thankful that you didn't marry or have kids with a guy like this.

[Jersey born raised]

He works for a repair company and she has a high power job? What type of repairs?

 

I think you have the female version of "knight in Shiny Amour" I call it the "Florence Nightingale" syndrome. Your BF is profoundly broken as a man. I've read that SAHD are much more likely to cheat then their wives. I think in the sameway men are more likely to cheat if their wives are the main breadwinners.

 

Has your IC ever suggested you seem to have a need to fix people?

[Jersey born raised]

As to the wife's reaction, be careful still waters run deep. I was reading a thread where the BS reacted by not saying boo. The WS came home to a lawyer sitting at the dinning room table with detailed divorce papers filled out and wanted to discuss them. While still taking to the lawyer she started to get texts from friends wanting to know if it was true and the other person texting they had been fired. The boss advised them to look for work out of the area as employment in the current area would be very difficult.

 

In general it is not people who yell that worry me, it is the ones you know can act forcefully but don't that do.

[wmacbride]

This mm sounds like he is a mess, and there is something troubling about him asking for the job at your fathers, going there, and then talking to him about you even after you requested that he leave you alone.

 

 

Is he one of those types who always wants what he doesn't have?

[Lobouspo]

He's married what's the shocker? Quit messing around with married men, and have some standards

[Satu]

He's where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

There's no shocker there.

Edited March 31, 2016 by Satu

[13Hearts]

My exMM chose his BW. Shocker, I know. But what I don't understand is what the hell happened.

 

A little, sort of, back story...exMM and I met at work. Emotional. Turned physical and then got very serious. He never promised to leave his wife and I never asked. However, he met my parents (at his insistence) and I met his kids (as a coworker/friend). We spent every day together and some nights. We had lunch together every day. He came to my home and fixed things. We had about as normal as a messed up affair relationship can be.

 

However, I was unhappy as the OW over time. I lovingly broke things off and told him that if his marital status ever changes, come let me know. He had a hard time with this and broke NC constantly, then one night he sent me a long, loving, sad message and his wife found his phone.

 

DDay.

 

Her reaction was mild to say the least. She texted me, saying she was pissed but not mad and that she hoped things worked out for us and she was ready. He left her that day. And went home that night.

 

I decided to let it go, or try to, and go NC. Two or three weeks post DDay, exMM began pushing that boundary. This lasted SEVEN months. Weekly texts. Daily, public Facebook posts that were thinly concealed code that he loved me or was sad. He would "run into me" places he knew where I'd be. He'd go out of his way to take routes that would drive by my house. He would leave letters. All the while, exclaiming the Song of my MM People that he was there for the kids and his marriage was dead but he couldn't reconcile leaving yet. All direct contact was met with the same message...I love you, but I need NC unless you decide you want to be single. He drank, he cried, and he eventually (BW enforced) went to IC.

 

All the while, I never hear from BW. Ever. She takes a very powerful job promotion and it keeps her on the road a lot. exMM refuses to move away from the area with her and basically tells her she can do whatever she wants, but he will find his own place and she can move to another state.

 

And I started therapy to help me figure out why this relationship was OK with me and how to unravel this mess.

.

A few days ago it got worse. Much, much worse. exMM works for a repair company and noticed my father's address on the job list. He requested the house. Proceeded to tell me. Then proceeded to tell my father he loved me and as with me. Fri-Wed he was contacting me, driving around my town, and expressing his love for me. Fine, you have my attention. We started talking, very lightly. I did/do love and miss him. Then Wed morning, a text...."Therapy has revealed to me that I love you but I also still love BW. I don't want to hurt her. She must love me, she has stood by me even after all I've done and I must stand by her."

 

I can reconcile the change. I can wrap my head around IC causing a shift. I just cannot for the life of me understand why this man, days prior, was bulldozing down my door and through my life to connect/restart affair/who knows and now suddenly has an epiphany that he loves BW.

 

Because men are very confused people and no matter what face they put on, how well they dress, how many friends they have, how much money they make, or how "together" they seem to be, they will always follow women. His wife and his marriage are his rock, his anchor, and keep him grounded, NO MATTER WHAT he says about her or their marriage. His family and his children are his reason for being (and working), his purpose.

 

You slept with him despite the fact that you did not want to be involved with a married man, and all that did was confuse him more. His behavior chasing you around and proclaiming his love for you was just temporary insanity, a man obsessed (because the sex was that good for him). Best to leave him be, and next time the crazy, confused man comes back, don't give in to him, no matter what he says. Stick to your guns (and your values) and move on.

[ShatteredLady]

When my H was having his A he described himself as a giant insect! They don't have brains, don't think, don't plan, don't worry...they just react to whatever happens around them. He said 'that' was exactly how it felt.

 

Our story is pretty complicated. For the longest time I didn't know he was cheating. He just suddenly became incredibly mean. Even when I found the receipt for the Mother's Day flowers to her he reacted so fast & so sincerely. He was so sorry. They were only friends & he needed the ego trip because I was such a crap wife. He kept me on the defensive.

 

When I found emails, solid proof, I said to him that I understood. They had the love story now. Goodbye! Suddenly the bubble burst & he backtracked on everything.

 

I don't know if this is similar but I think a lot of weak men chase & hunt what they want & don't think. Reality is a blind shock to them. Wives & families are an inconvenience until the reality of loosing them suddenly makes them real, not just pieces of furniture that will always be there.

[Satu]

These MM are salesmen who peddle fantasies.

 

Its all trickery and cards up their sleeves.

[Ms. Faust]

Sounds like it is too early to say that he will be gone for good. He sounds wishy washy enough to come crawling back.

[georgia girl]

He wanted - desperately - what he perceived he couldn't have. He fixated on it and on you because he couldn't have you. So he built you and his fantasized relationship that he would have with you up in his mind until it became this "everything."

 

And then he got your attention. When he did, it seems to me like reality started to trickle in. Now, it wasn't all about just you but his wife as well. It wasn't all about the thing he couldn't have but equally as well about the thing he was giving up.

 

May I gently offer you some advice? Read on these boards. There are women who reach the juncture you're at right now and they convince themselves that a little more love, a little more time, a little more patience, a little more understanding, a little more... whatever will do the trick. And they waste precious time and emotional energy. They end up more hurt, sometimes even years later.

 

Please with whatever strength you have in you, walk away from this guy. Close the door and make him dead to you. Never, ever go back there - regardless if he comes to you with divorce decree, roses and really good wine.

 

Look instead for a partner with whom you feel safe. Sexy, excited, thrilled... absolutely. But protected, safe, always welcome and always, always a priority. It will be the single best thing you ever do for yourself. I absolutely, unequivocally promise you that.

 

We only get one life - and about 30-40 of those years are our best years. Do not squander it on someone with whom you cannot have a total honest, open, loving and fulfilling relationship with. Make a promise to spend the least amount of time of your life in pain and misery and shut this down. Completely and forever.

 

Hugs. I am very sorry for your pain.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sounds like it is too early to say that he will be gone for good. He sounds wishy washy enough to come crawling back.

 

I agree 1000%. So get strong. You don't need this. Sounds like it could continue for years.

[minnesotagirl]

Because he is not an emotionally healthy person. He's got a weak character that changes depending on what's happening at the moment. No secure sense of self, just a mess of feelings and emotions.

 

BW has already accepted this, which is why she handled it "matter of factly", was OK with losing him and insisted on counseling.

 

She knows he's messed up in the head, but is trying to make the best of it, for her kids sake and because marriage is "for better for worse". But she's probably no longer surprised at his emotional instability, and has stopped trying to make sense of it all. She doesn't take the affair personally because she knows it's about him, his shortcomings and his weaknesses.

 

His behavior makes no sense and defies logic because he is emotionally unstable. Expecting him to behave as you would behave (or the way any stable & mature person would behave) is like expecting a deaf person to hear or wondering why a diabetic can't have sugar. It's just not who is he is. He doesn't process events or cope in a healthy way.

 

The best thing you can do is to accept him for the man that he really is- the unstable, indecisive, impulsive, emotionally driven guy who cries to your father one day and cries to his wife the next day.

 

A guy like this isn't capable of giving any woman what she needs in a partner. It will never make sense because he's not a sensible guy. Try to be grateful that you can move on, and thankful that you didn't marry or have kids with a guy like this.

 

 

This is SO on-point. My AP came back repeatedly with love letters and heady words. He was a wreck though. He obviously wasn't a great coper anyway, as he was a cheater and liar. But once the emotional trauma of D-day hit him, holy crap. His emotional state swung so rapidly my head was spinning. I realized after so many times of him breaking NC and us even having a "no contact policy" that meant nothing, the only way forward was for ME to be strong, go dark, and block him everywhere. He was never going to do it.

 

Also, I think he really thought I was a sure thing. These guys get such an ego boost from being welcomed back over and over by not one, but TWO women. My ex-AP told me "I know you'll always come back to me.." I got out for good a few days later. How do you like me now, dude?!

[nymphetgrown]

That's a MM you're well shot of, and I'm not sure why his wife took him back, either! Sounds like he deserves to be alone.

 

He wants what he wants. It doesn't sound like he has any concern for what the people around him want. Darling, don't waste your life on that kind of a mess. It's good you're in counseling instead of in contact. Hold firm and don't let him worm his way past your defenses. <3

[Jersey born raised]

As I mentioned your OM (does it piss you off to hear "your OM?) is broken. He hides it by acting as a player. So this is qoute shows what is really going on:

 

 

A player:

 

Thus was posted by a player who posted this

 

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

findingmyway is offline Forward Message*

[Jersey born raised]

So for them sex is the most important form of personal validation in their life. One person will never fill that void, they are broken, only the very very many.

 

You cannot reason with that void. All you can do is drive it out of your life or put a bullet between his eyes. If he contacts you,, notify the wife. Be humble accept you have been a fool and tell her that her husband has to get out of your life.

 

Sometimes, in moments of frustration, that cattle prods is the only thing that works. Nobody mess with electricity - nobody not even loins and tigers.

[Arieswoman]

I'm sorry weylyniw, but you MM is no different to most of the others you see discussed on these boards.

 

They are weak men who lack effective coping strategies, have poor boundaries, a distorted sense of reality, no practical application and entitlement issues. They also like to have their cake and eat it, and, will continue to do so as long as they are allowed the option.

 

I could fill the pages of this site with tales of women I know who have allowed MM to play emotional ping-pong with them, by leaving, going back, leaving, going back, rinse & repeat.

 

In all the cases I know of where the MM actually left the BW for the AP ( and I mean actually left of their own volition - not got chucked out after DD ) they did so within a couple of months of meeting the AP. They went home, packed a case and left - just like that. Obviously they'd thought it through and were prepared for the $h!£$£orm that followed.

 

I would celebrate the fact you've had a lucky escape.

[Cloudcuckoo]

As I mentioned your OM (does it piss you off to hear "your OM?) is broken. He hides it by acting as a player. So this is qoute shows what is really going on:

 

 

A player:

 

Thus was posted by a player who posted this

 

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

findingmyway is offline Forward Message*

 

Jersey, this post, as you point out, says much. Women beware....

 

It is so utterly revolting and vile that it made me physically balk.

 

I wonder if you mightn't share this more widely as a formidable warning to all here, even if it puts just one person off the whole notion of shagging someone else's partner it will have delivered a loud message astoundingly clearly, don't you think?

 

I'm still nauseous....but well done you for putting it out there.

[jenkins95]

Im sorry to hear of this mess.

Your heart must ache.

You can never sort out his head, its impossible.

I would only stay with your own thoughts, he is clearly confused but one thing is certain. He loves her. It is clear.

He wouldnt risk losing you or hurting you to say so if he didnt mean it.

With that...Id take it as closure and finallt go nc for good now and block all contact.

This is a scenario where you are going to need to firmly tell him no letters or drive by...to stay away and let him know you MEAN it.

Read Jenkins posts here.

Your xmm and him sound extremely similiar.

 

Some fantastic posts on this thread guys - keep them going. You are the best.

 

(((weylyniw))) You seem like you need a hug, and you are amongst friends here. Well done for finding us - we will help you get yourself through and past this horrible situation. You seem level headed and logical, even though you are in pain! That's a great start! We will hold your hand on the tough path ahead.

 

I don't know how much reading you have already done before posting, how long you have been shadowing, etc, but you probably already know that what you have written is nothing new to regular posters here. Unique in it's own way as all cases are, but you describe a very well trodden path of events and the ultimate outcome is not much of a surprise. This is reflected in the excellent replies that you have already had.

 

I echo what privategal says, I do see a lot of your xMM in me. In a nutshell, the following probably describes me (and possibly your xMM) reasonably closely: -

 

1. Married many years, kids, some marital issue but generally OK, gone a bit stale, probably needs a little work (all marriages need constant work).

 

2. But instead of putting the work in, I find and connect with this amazing girl, this alluring, amazing, beautiful forbidden fruit, and start leading a double life - life is paradise for a while, and negative feelings such as guilt leave me alone for a few months. I am living a dream. And why should I feel guilty? - all this happiness is making me a great fun husband and dad, right? My affair is helping my marriage!! Yes - my affair was full of clichés like this.

 

3. Reality hits, those negative feelings now start to take hold and overwhelm me - guilt, frustration, confusion, remorse, regret, paranoia, the s*** hits the fan, D-days happen, people get hurt - VERY hurt, screaming and shouting starts - I just want to curl up and die.

 

4. I feel very strongly for the OW. The L word has been exchanged many times, and it was meant very sincerely. But I suddenly "remember" that I have very serious responsibilities that I can't just walk out on, and that I love my wife too (even though I conveniently forgot about her for a while). I make a real drawn out mess of ending the A. I know it the best for all parties, but it hurts like hell. My W, OW and myself are constantly in tears - broken.

 

5. NC is broken several times. We find it hard to let go, very hard. Each breaking of NC is like a shot of heroin to the arm - as wonderful as it is destructive. I hadn't realised just how emotionally involved I had become - this was meant to be a bit of fun, right? I want and need to recommit to my wife and kids, but it is so hard to let my OW go. I (unfairly and unrealistically) build her into perfection in my mind - the most sexy, fun, interesting, beautiful woman in the world - custom made just for me. These feelings only become even more intensified when I can no longer contact her. I am racked with guilt at what I have done to my family, and am constantly sad that I had to let my "soul mate" go.

 

Do you think your xMM fits into this pattern too?

 

The logical part of me knows that much of this is tricks of the mind - complete hogwash (great word 13Hearts). I know very clearly that if you guys were to see her, not one of you would agree that "she is the most sexy, fun, interesting beautiful woman in the world". And I don't even believe in soul mates, as I posted about here: -

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575034-when-you-let-your-soulmate-go-3.html#post6848500

 

But try telling my heart all that! It's one thing to know logically what's going on, but it's another thing entirely to "feel" it - the classic head versus heart thing I guess. I went with my head (as almost every therapist and advisor/counsellor will recommend) and I hope my heart will eventually follow as I know logically it should. The trouble now is I have had a taste of another life - a life that seemed perfect. This makes it very difficult to go back to the old life. Of course, that other life was lived in a fantasy bubble - it was all about fun, excitement, love, connection, craziness and sex. It is so unfair and ridiculous to compare it with a normal marriage - changing nappies, putting out the rubbish, falling asleep in front of the TV, paying the phone bill.

 

Some people will tell you that the affair was "just a fantasy" and that it wasn't real. Others will tell you that it very much is a real thing. For me, it is absolutely both! Everything that was done and said and felt in that affair was completely genuine, but it was the context itself that was the fantasy - that was the big lie we were living. We had no right to sneak about behind the backs of our partners and connect like that. We were committed to others. We had no right to fall in love and tell each other that we loved each other - we weren't free to do that. We never spoke of this, we didn't need to - it was the unspoken truth and that's why it all had to be conducted in secret, in hotel rooms, hired apartments and online - this only added to its allure of course! How could simple old boring average me be living this incredible adventure with this absolute princess - I had to pinch myself sometimes! It could only exist in our bubble and once the bubble bursts, it becomes horribly exposed. The worlds collide and that's when you realise how stupid you have been and that actions have consequences.

 

It is over 100 days since I went into NC and I've been doing quite well recently, but I must admit that the last few days have been tough. I am finding that for me, recovery is going in cycles - bad days, good days, bad days, good days, etc. Over time, I hope that the good days become more numerous and that generally does seem to be happening, but when you are in the middle of a bad patch, it is hard to be rational. When I am down, I really am down and it feels permanent, although I do feel I am coming out of my current bad patch at the moment now. I have to force myself to accept that actually, this time last month I was actually feeling OK (relatively speaking), and with any luck, I will be again this time next month.

 

Please don't flame me guys, but I want to confess to you that I came dangerously close to reaching out to my xOW yesterday. It would have been a truly horrendous, selfish, stupid, crazy thing to do and could only have caused damage to absolutely everyone involved. I just wanted to hear her voice and say sorry to her and share a few sweet nothings. How ridiculously weak I am. I don't think I would actually have done it even without coming here to LS yesterday, but being here was epic for me yesterday. Running off a few posts, reading your posts and just feeling part of a community of like minded people. I cringe and shudder to think that I even considered doing something so stupid after so much good work in NC. Come here often weylyniw. Post to us when you feel down - it does really help.

 

weylyniw, I'm just trotting this out because it's therapeutic for me, and it may give you an idea of what's going through your xMM's mind. His head is probably like a bowl of spaghetti like mine - his feelings for you are genuine, but he has love for his wife and family too and is well aware of the devastation that would follow if he were to abandon them.

 

For me and the players in my story, and you and the players in your story, the only realistic way to proceed is to maintain strict NC. The feelings will subside with time - it's almost guaranteed. And never, ever again get into a relationship with someone where either of you are in any way still in a relationship with someone else. The pain it causes is just simply not worth it.

 

Welcome to LS weylyniw, and keep posting. Also feel free to PM me if you want.

 

All the very best of luck. We are here with you. J

Edited April 1, 2016 by jenkins95

[elaine567]

 

A player:

 

Thus was posted by a player who posted this

 

"My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex."

 

I'm stunned too at how many women fall hook line and sinker for this BS when every one knows MM rarely leave their wives for the OW.

Yet everyday we have women on these boards believing the same old crap fed to them by MM, and getting themselves all upset.

WHY?

Do women never learn, are women really that stupid?

Sorry, but I am beginning to think they are...