Shocker

[heartwhole]

My husband did the same as ShatteredLady's. As soon as I told him to go have his happily ever after with the OW (whom he was moping around for and resisting blocking), his eyes got wide with shock and he said, no, no, that's not what he wanted. But when I was the mean obstacle to his true lurve, he sure wanted it then. This is the same dynamic that Jenkins is describing too.

 

I'm sorry you've been yanked around so much.

 

We're all capable of falling in love with any number of people. When you find an attached person who lacks proper boundaries and whose moral compass allows veering from north, they can wind up full-on in love with you. But rarely does it mean that their prior relationship is dead, or that your relationship can or should survive in reality.

 

You gave him a chance to deal with his marriage honorably. You told him that you only wanted a single, unattached man. But Mr. Entitled-Pants wouldn't accept that.

 

It's very hard for Mr. Entitled-Pants to morph into a beautiful butterfly of honor and emotional health. Believe me, I've been forcing mine to get back into his cocoon for the past year until he can emerge as something deserving of the honor of being married to me. Just remember that you're freeing yourself to be with someone who already knows how to be an adult. They're a much safer bet.

[jenkins95]

My husband did the same as ShatteredLady's. As soon as I told him to go have his happily ever after with the OW (whom he was moping around for and resisting blocking), his eyes got wide with shock and he said, no, no, that's not what he wanted. But when I was the mean obstacle to his true lurve, he sure wanted it then. This is the same dynamic that Jenkins is describing too.

 

I'm sorry you've been yanked around so much.

 

We're all capable of falling in love with any number of people. When you find an attached person who lacks proper boundaries and whose moral compass allows veering from north, they can wind up full-on in love with you. But rarely does it mean that their prior relationship is dead, or that your relationship can or should survive in reality.

 

You gave him a chance to deal with his marriage honorably. You told him that you only wanted a single, unattached man. But Mr. Entitled-Pants wouldn't accept that.

 

It's very hard for Mr. Entitled-Pants to morph into a beautiful butterfly of honor and emotional health. Believe me, I've been forcing mine to get back into his cocoon for the past year until he can emerge as something deserving of the honor of being married to me. Just remember that you're freeing yourself to be with someone who already knows how to be an adult. They're a much safer bet.

 

Yes, very good post heartwhole - and it does indeed describe some of my own thought processes at the end of the A. The phrases "you always want what you can't have" and "you don't know what you have until you have lost it" spring to mind. And I agree that it is easy to fall in love even if you are already in a relationship if you son't understand and respect normal boundaries, but that doesn't mean that you are going to walk away from your marriage.

 

We want the OW when our W is "standing in the way", but if she steps away and invites us to go to the OW, it's panic stations, we see our marriage crumbling before our eyes and come crawling back. It's a risky strategy on the part of the BS (if she still wants her H), but a very effective way of bringing an MM in the affair fog back to earth and into reality.

 

In the end......we want to have out cake and eat it. Well, I did say I was one big walking cliché didn't I!

Edited April 1, 2016 by jenkins95

[heartwhole]

Yes, very good post heartwhole - and it does indeed describe some of my own thought processes at the end of the A. The phrases "you always want what you can't have" and "you don't know what you have until you have lost it" spring to mind. And I agree that it is easy to fall in love even if you are already in a relationship if you son't understand and respect normal boundaries, but that doesn't mean that you are going to walk away from your marriage.

 

We want the OW when our W is "standing in the way", but if she steps away and invites us to go to the OW, it's panic stations, we see our marriage crumbling before our eyes and come crawling back. It's a risky strategy on the part of the BS (if she still wants her H), but a very effective way of bringing an MM in the affair fog back to earth and into reality.

 

In the end......we want to have out cake and eat it. Well, I did say I was one big walking cliché didn't I!

 

Yup, cake-eaters of the world unite!

 

I don't know if it was strategy in that moment. I do have a lot of pride. Yes, I'm unemployed, two kids, chronic illness, but I have always respected myself a lot and expected others to do the same. My high school sweetheart broke my heart, but darned if I was going to chase some guy who was able to give me up. So I do think I meant it in that moment. But I also believed in us, and our love, and that he wasn't that much of a dope. I did let him spend two weeks moping around and complaining to me about giving her up while I thought it was "only" an EA. When I found out it was a PA, I was all, oh, for F's sake . . . just get out then. By the next week he was chirpily exclaiming, "I can't believe I don't miss her! I thought this would be harder!" Obviously he was still lacking perspective and empathy but at least I never had to doubt my read on his emotions. He did grieve that relationship . . . for all of two weeks.

[sandylee1]

I'm stunned too at how many women fall hook line and sinker for this BS when every one knows MM rarely leave their wives for the OW.

Yet everyday we have women on these boards believing the same old crap fed to them by MM, and getting themselves all upset.

WHY?

Do women never learn, are women really that stupid?

Sorry, but I am beginning to think they are...

 

Elaine ... I'm with you on this. Time and time again ....from one part of the world to another.... women (many) believe the same old crap that MM say.

 

After women fighting to be equal .. fighting to be able to vote ... fighting for equal pay .... yet when it comes to men ... my gender show infeority and make a banquet out of breadcrumbs.

 

OP .. this MM of yours is a hot mess. I would be furious with him pushing himself towards your family...While he's married ...... he should stay well away. I think the mere fact he got himself on that job is disrespectful to your dad. What madness.

 

I mean would he entertain a married man coming for his daughter. .....

His wife was happy for him to go .... but he decided not to..... why is that.

 

One guess is that he doesn't want to give up the lifestyle her income provides. He was likely so pathetic that she got him into IC.

He doesn't want divorce.. he wants a wife and a girlfriend at the same time. Otherwise known as cake eating.

 

This is where women can loose respect for men .... he has an affair ... The door was open for him to leave ... he does so for a moment then he's back. When she showed she was happy to let him go .... he didn't like it. He probably doesn't like the idea of being replaced.... and he knows she can get by without him financially.

 

All of a sudden you would no longer be an affair...and the excitement has gone.

 

Block him every which way.

[yodelwithyu]

It is over 100 days since I went into NC and I've been doing quite well recently, but I must admit that the last few days have been tough. I am finding that for me, recovery is going in cycles - bad days, good days, bad days, good days, etc. Over time, I hope that the good days become more numerous and that generally does seem to be happening, but when you are in the middle of a bad patch, it is hard to be rational. When I am down, I really am down and it feels permanent, although I do feel I am coming out of my current bad patch at the moment now. I have to force myself to accept that actually, this time last month I was actually feeling OK (relatively speaking), and with any luck, I will be again this time next month.

 

Please don't flame me guys, but I want to confess to you that I came dangerously close to reaching out to my xOW yesterday. It would have been a truly horrendous, selfish, stupid, crazy thing to do and could only have caused damage to absolutely everyone involved. I just wanted to hear her voice and say sorry to her and share a few sweet nothings. How ridiculously weak I am. I don't think I would actually have done it even without coming here to LS yesterday, but being here was epic for me yesterday. Running off a few posts, reading your posts and just feeling part of a community of like minded people. I cringe and shudder to think that I even considered doing something so stupid after so much good work in NC. Come here often weylyniw. Post to us when you feel down - it does really help.

 

(((((Jenks)))))

You are always giving out so many hugs, I thought I would send a huge one your way. I am sorry you had tough days, but am happy you got through them. I hope you are ok.

Love,

Yodel

[bathtub-row]

Putting it simply:

 

For most women, love is a priority.

 

For most men, money and responsibility win out.

 

You're not money nor responsibility so you're lower on the list.

[ChickiePops]

Putting it simply:

 

For most women, love is a priority.

 

For most men, money and responsibility win out.

 

You're not money nor responsibility so you're lower on the list.

 

Oh honey. You still want to believe that MM (and specifically your MM I can only assume) don't love their wives but that they stay with them because they feel like they have to.

 

How many times do you have to see proof that you're wrong before you'll start believing it?

 

This kind of thinking is not helpful. Seeing him as a hostage only promotes the idea that he might escape and be with you someday, when the truth of the matter is, he is where he WANTS to be. Nobody is forcing him to stay in his marriage.

 

OP, please don't listen to this. It's not going to help you heal.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm stunned too at how many women fall hook line and sinker for this BS when every one knows MM rarely leave their wives for the OW.

Yet everyday we have women on these boards believing the same old crap fed to them by MM, and getting themselves all upset.

WHY?

Do women never learn, are women really that stupid?

Sorry, but I am beginning to think they are...

 

I think many times it is due to absent fathers, or involved fathers that don't warn their daughters about opportunistic men. Not just married guys, but single guys (players, mooches, addicts, etc).

 

I think as a parent, we often want to shelter our kids from the harsh realities of this world. I've noticed that some women who were very fortunate to grow up in a stable home with loving parents are sometimes naive because they genuinely believe people are honest and have good intentions. They often assume others have their best interests at heart, as they have not been exposed to many liars or dysfunctional people.

 

The harsh truth is that there are a lot of people out there who will take advantage of you, and you have to be wary. As an adult, we should be an advocate for our own best interests. It's not just malicious guys with a planned agenda that are dangerous. Emotionally stunted, dysfunctional men (guys with issues) can be just as dangerous to a woman's emotional well being, even if they don't necessarily have bad intentions. Sure these guys may feel that they genuinely love the OW, but the love of a dysfunctional, unstable man shouldn't be seen as valuable, even if it makes us feel good.

 

I think some women with absent fathers are especially vulnerable to male attention. The attention, care and concern that is often exhibited by a MM can fill emotional holes that the woman didn't even know about.

 

I don't think it's stupidity, more like naivete and a lack of self awareness.

 

I think as parents, we can help our daughters learn to be their own advocates and recognize people who aren't healthy. We can help them to be introspective and recognize circumstances that make them vulnerable, which in turn helps them to avoid situations that are potentially unhealthy/ dysfunctional for them. For example, a newly divorced woman who was in an unloving or abusive marriage can say to herself "I've been through a lot and am starved for attention right now. I'm self aware enough to know that I'd be the perfect target for an opportunistic guy, so I need to be careful, look for red flags, protect my emotions, etc."

 

As adults, we have to accept that it's our responsibility to protect ourselves from emotional pain. Women who can acknowledge their vulnerabilities (too trusting, daddy issues, lack of attention/affection) are better prepared to look out for themselves.

[Foreverago]

To add to this discussion of why women fall for this load of crap. There's a dark feeling I rarely see addressed and that I know to be true for some willing affair partners: ego. Namely, feeling like they are somehow better, more worthy of love than the betrayed spouse. It's why it's so easy to swallow the lies that the MM puts out to ease his own guilt. The wife is an old, used up harpy to the mistress. The mistress feels themselves to be shiny, sexy and new, they are supportive, they are better because they (insert inane reason here). Our society feeds that notion, that mothers and wives are somehow less sexy than the younger inexperienced ingénue. And of course paying bills and living through all the day to day things are "unsexy."

 

So when the louse of a husband doesn't leave the wife, there is confusion beyond the delusional affair bubble love. The moment of wait, why is he choosing her when he could have me? I'm the better deal! It's not fair! Rejection of the ego on someone so blind creates a sense of madness. Most mistresses already have insecurity issues, so rejection of what they consider their worth to their MM is stunning. Just my opinion and an observation from living through it and getting older.

[sandylee1]

Putting it simply:

 

For most women, love is a priority.

 

For most men, money and responsibility win out.

 

You're not money nor responsibility so you're lower on the list.

 

 

If a man wants to be with a woman ... he will. Money will not stop him... he can still spend valuable time with his children and be a responsible father... so that won't stop him either.

 

Those who want to leave..will leave. It's not rocket science.

 

The bottom line is he doesn't love a particular woman enough to leave the marriage.

 

As much as women fall in love.. men also fall in love very hard. When a man loves a woman...he'll do anything for her ... she can do no wrong.. he worships her and holds her up high.

 

There is no way he wouldn't want to be with her.

 

It's not all about the money.

[heartwhole]

This is probably a discussion for another thread entirely, but I don't think it's fair to hammer in "because he doesn't love you, duh!" to the OW. You can love more than one person at once.

 

January of last year was the peak of the affair and the low point in our marriage. That was when they spent their two days together. WH was so conflicted afterwards that he confided in a few friends and sought counseling. I think he expected someone to say, "Your feelings for the OW are OK. You should go be with her." No one did. He has upstanding friends.

 

But at the same time, my health condition was flaring up and I was freezing cold every night. I began sleeping with a warm hat and extra blankets. I would spend all night pressed up against WH like glue. Every time I rolled into him, every time, he muttered, "Heartwhole, I love you so much." (It's important to me in retrospect that he got my name right!) He was 95% asleep. Yes, when he was awake, he seemed awkward, frustrated, distant. I know that at that time he thought he was in love with the OW and was trying to figure out if he could be with her some way. But he never acted on it, and since I am an emotionally healthy person who acts in good faith, I kept trying to improve our marriage as i became more aware of the distance. By the time DD happened 3 months later, things were as good as they can be when your husband turns out to have a secret girlfriend. We were connecting, sex life was good, etc. At the lowest point, I'm sure he wondered if he loved her more, but he never stopped loving me. I'm sure of that. When DD happened, I'm sure she was confused too. He had seemed like such a sure thing in January, I bet.

 

My point is this: I know he loved the OW. I know their feelings were real. Those feelings were fueled by the excitement of secrecy and the burning desire for what you can't have. They weren't based on years of being best friends and experiencing ups and downs. They involved lots of oxytocin.

 

I just don't think it's helpful to tell the OW that the MM didn't love her. On the flip side, I think it's an oversimplification to say that he chose duty over love. Secret "hot for the guy you can't have" love is one kind of love. I would rather encourage people to consider what kind of love they want in their lives, and whether an affair is the way to get it.

[Satu]

The story of an affair:

 

 

The joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy... the pain... the joy...

 

The pain... the pain... the pain... the pain... the pain... the pain... the pain... the pain... the pain... the pain... the pain...

 

 

The pain is too deep, and the joy too transient.

[ChickiePops]

This is probably a discussion for another thread entirely, but I don't think it's fair to hammer in "because he doesn't love you, duh!" to the OW. You can love more than one person at once.

 

January of last year was the peak of the affair and the low point in our marriage. That was when they spent their two days together. WH was so conflicted afterwards that he confided in a few friends and sought counseling. I think he expected someone to say, "Your feelings for the OW are OK. You should go be with her." No one did. He has upstanding friends.

 

But at the same time, my health condition was flaring up and I was freezing cold every night. I began sleeping with a warm hat and extra blankets. I would spend all night pressed up against WH like glue. Every time I rolled into him, every time, he muttered, "Heartwhole, I love you so much." (It's important to me in retrospect that he got my name right!) He was 95% asleep. Yes, when he was awake, he seemed awkward, frustrated, distant. I know that at that time he thought he was in love with the OW and was trying to figure out if he could be with her some way. But he never acted on it, and since I am an emotionally healthy person who acts in good faith, I kept trying to improve our marriage as i became more aware of the distance. By the time DD happened 3 months later, things were as good as they can be when your husband turns out to have a secret girlfriend. We were connecting, sex life was good, etc. At the lowest point, I'm sure he wondered if he loved her more, but he never stopped loving me. I'm sure of that. When DD happened, I'm sure she was confused too. He had seemed like such a sure thing in January, I bet.

 

My point is this: I know he loved the OW. I know their feelings were real. Those feelings were fueled by the excitement of secrecy and the burning desire for what you can't have. They weren't based on years of being best friends and experiencing ups and downs. They involved lots of oxytocin.

 

I just don't think it's helpful to tell the OW that the MM didn't love her. On the flip side, I think it's an oversimplification to say that he chose duty over love. Secret "hot for the guy you can't have" love is one kind of love. I would rather encourage people to consider what kind of love they want in their lives, and whether an affair is the way to get it.

 

Agreed. Nor is it fair to tell OW that the MM is only staying with his wife out of a sense of duty, which was my point. How is that helpful? If I was an OW and someone was telling me that MM loves me but he's only staying with his wife for money, I would probably continue to hold out hope that he would break the spell and come be with me someday.

[ladydesigner]

Agreed. Nor is it fair to tell OW that the MM is only staying with his wife out of a sense of duty, which was my point. How is that helpful? If I was an OW and someone was telling me that MM loves me but he's only staying with his wife for money, I would probably continue to hold out hope that he would break the spell and come be with me someday.

 

Usually it is a case of the MM not being capable of real honest love. Many do not love themselves which means they cannot possible have the capacity to truly love another in a healthy sense.

[Foreverago]

I think it's a bitter pill to swallow that the wives are worthy of staying with. They were once young, responsibility-free, too. Just like mistresses. Except the guy chose them, befriended them, married them, built a life, grew full love, usually had planned children with. All the things that mistresses rarely get more than tastes of, more than "wait for me" talk. All of that unsexy boring stuff? It's the glue that holds marriages together beyond finances and saving face. A weak person may stray and cheat, a weak person may lie to themselves and others for some novelty and excitement, but most people don't want to give up their lives they built together for someone else. We marry out of love, not because it's forced, at least in America.

 

Sure there are a few straying spouses who love as much as broken people are capable of loving others, but there's also a huge percentage who are just after sex and excitement and ego strokes. Sadly, neither woman (or man) knows what's true or not. The MM/MP rarely gives privy to his real intentions until the exposure of the affair. No one is holding a gun to anyone's head when they stay.

 

Strong people leave their marriages when they are bad instead of tearing people up. Plenty of people leave bad marriages without having affairs. If a guy is staying, it's because that's where he wants to be. He loves his spouse more.

 

I'm not saying this to hurt anyone, in all actuality I prefer to see people love themselves enough to not starve themselves over crumbs from a loaf of lies.

[Satu]

I consider it fair to say that almost all affairs are fantasies that got out of control.

 

They take place right on the boundary that separates the real from the unreal.

 

They are mostly make-believe.

 

The sad truth is that the real part is the painful part.

 

Thats what remains when the fantasy evaporates.

[sandylee1]

 

A weak person may stray and cheat, a weak person may lie to themselves ...

 

Strong people leave their marriages when they are bad instead of tearing people up. Plenty of people leave bad marriages without having affairs. If a guy is staying, it's because that's where he wants to be. He loves his spouse more.

 

.

 

^^^^^^^ 1000 times.

 

If a man or woman isn't happy in the marriage .... just leave.

[jenkins95]

......he muttered, "Heartwhole, I love you so much." (It's important to me in retrospect that he got my name right!)

 

heartwhole, your whole post is brilliant, makes so much sense to me and makes me feel positive and better.

 

But the quote above! Oh it's brilliant - I'm rolling in laughter! THANK YOU!!!!! My god, a little bit of light relief is priceless sometimes. I am going to sleep with a smile now!

[jenkins95]

I consider it fair to say that almost all affairs are fantasies that got out of control.

 

They take place right on the boundary that separates the real from the unreal.

 

They are mostly make-believe.

 

The sad truth is that the real part is the painful part.

 

Thats what remains when the fantasy evaporates.

 

Brilliant words satu. This makes so much sense to me. The feelings experienced and what was done and said in my affair - they were real. But the context in which they were played out - that was the fantasy, the big unspoken lie.

 

And as you so rightly say, the pain, everyone's pain, is so real and that is the legacy that my affair has now left us all with.

[jenkins95]

.......a huge percentage who are just after sex and excitement and ego strokes.

 

Yes! Add novelty to that and you've pretty much described me and my AP. When someone makes you feel like the sexiest, most handsome, desirable man alive, that's kind of addictive! Especially when it's so far from reality! It honestly felt like a competition at times as to who could rattle off the most compliments! What a pair of silly big children we were - it makes me shudder now to think of it!

[Jersey born raised]

Every marriage is different in the details and so is every act of adultery. It may surprise some that I can see that at times it is love. But, that does not justify leaving the other in limbo.

 

As to my post on who a player is. The are successful because they fill a void. That is real and a BS must accept that if they want to reconcile. That void must be filled. The hard part is not allowing the reasons to become fused with the adultery. That is a hard pill to swallow. To hard, that is why NC is very important to a BS. People cannot live and thrive living in this limbo.

 

Cloud cuckoo, please pass my post on the player. I found it on another site. I have two others saved to a note book that I think are profound. The first is a warning on to guard your heart (regardless of gender). It is about Joe adultery happens by accident. The other is who the other person really is.

[Jersey born raised]

F-102 on how*

 

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into:

 

Their lives since they parted

Their relationships since they parted*

Their families

Their spouses

You

How you're an excellent father

How you're a great husband

How you're a wonderful guyhw*

Your job

How your job keeps you busy

How your job keeps you away

How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away

How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home

How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted

How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her

How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her

How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her

How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy

How she loved hearing from him again

How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now

How she feels young again

How she feels appreciated again

How she feels attractive again

How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again

How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way

How her eyes have now been opened

How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs

How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that

How insensitive you can be some times

How you can be a real jerk sometimes

How she wonders if they would have stayed together

How she now realizes that she never really loved you

How she now realizes that she really loved him all along

How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you

How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known

How you're standing in the way of her true happiness

How you ruined her life

How she made a big mistake marrying you

How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go

How now she sees that they were really meant to be together

How she desperately has to get away from you

How she's definitely going to leave you

How she's talking to divorce lawyers

How they're going to live happily ever after...

 

...get the picture?

[Jersey born raised]

Who is the other person*

 

There are moments in a persons life that transcends time. That emotion on the day of and day after their wedding, the birth of a child and that first moment me holding the child. They inform us, they are not what makes life worth living, they are life.

 

In the same way, adultery has transformed me. The echoes of the uncertainties and raw emotional pain will always be a part of me. Overtime it has and continues to evolve into a source of empathy. The empathy that enables me to understand others pain and fear, both in matters like this and others.*

 

*posm are not nice people. They had a choice to support *your marriage. *They could have helped your spouse to fight and win to save your marriage. They choose to use the opportunity to try to fill a void in their life. In doing so tey choose to inflict the pain and loss I wrote above.*

 

Understand they choose to be the one. To say "if not him, then..." does not work. They *choose it to be them and no one else. In this they *are *lacking in character. So, they could be a fine person, *but so are addicts until they need a fix.

 

So what is, is. I have gained acceptance, I have greatly healed. I have gain empathy and awareness, and a great deal of indifference. It is from indifference I say "no they are not a nice person". *It is from the same place I would comment on a persons second DUI. No when a person allows there own weakness to create actual harm or create a real threat of harm, they cannot be truly be considered a nice person

[The Aftermath]

Some fantastic posts on this thread guys - keep them going. You are the best.

 

(((weylyniw))) You seem like you need a hug, and you are amongst friends here. Well done for finding us - we will help you get yourself through and past this horrible situation. You seem level headed and logical, even though you are in pain! That's a great start! We will hold your hand on the tough path ahead.

 

I don't know how much reading you have already done before posting, how long you have been shadowing, etc, but you probably already know that what you have written is nothing new to regular posters here. Unique in it's own way as all cases are, but you describe a very well trodden path of events and the ultimate outcome is not much of a surprise. This is reflected in the excellent replies that you have already had.

 

I echo what privategal says, I do see a lot of your xMM in me. In a nutshell, the following probably describes me (and possibly your xMM) reasonably closely: -

 

1. Married many years, kids, some marital issue but generally OK, gone a bit stale, probably needs a little work (all marriages need constant work).

 

2. But instead of putting the work in, I find and connect with this amazing girl, this alluring, amazing, beautiful forbidden fruit, and start leading a double life - life is paradise for a while, and negative feelings such as guilt leave me alone for a few months. I am living a dream. And why should I feel guilty? - all this happiness is making me a great fun husband and dad, right? My affair is helping my marriage!! Yes - my affair was full of clichés like this.

 

3. Reality hits, those negative feelings now start to take hold and overwhelm me - guilt, frustration, confusion, remorse, regret, paranoia, the s*** hits the fan, D-days happen, people get hurt - VERY hurt, screaming and shouting starts - I just want to curl up and die.

 

4. I feel very strongly for the OW. The L word has been exchanged many times, and it was meant very sincerely. But I suddenly "remember" that I have very serious responsibilities that I can't just walk out on, and that I love my wife too (even though I conveniently forgot about her for a while). I make a real drawn out mess of ending the A. I know it the best for all parties, but it hurts like hell. My W, OW and myself are constantly in tears - broken.

 

5. NC is broken several times. We find it hard to let go, very hard. Each breaking of NC is like a shot of heroin to the arm - as wonderful as it is destructive. I hadn't realised just how emotionally involved I had become - this was meant to be a bit of fun, right? I want and need to recommit to my wife and kids, but it is so hard to let my OW go. I (unfairly and unrealistically) build her into perfection in my mind - the most sexy, fun, interesting, beautiful woman in the world - custom made just for me. These feelings only become even more intensified when I can no longer contact her. I am racked with guilt at what I have done to my family, and am constantly sad that I had to let my "soul mate" go.

 

Do you think your xMM fits into this pattern too?

 

The logical part of me knows that much of this is tricks of the mind - complete hogwash (great word 13Hearts). I know very clearly that if you guys were to see her, not one of you would agree that "she is the most sexy, fun, interesting beautiful woman in the world". And I don't even believe in soul mates, as I posted about here: -

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575034-when-you-let-your-soulmate-go-3.html#post6848500

 

But try telling my heart all that! It's one thing to know logically what's going on, but it's another thing entirely to "feel" it - the classic head versus heart thing I guess. I went with my head (as almost every therapist and advisor/counsellor will recommend) and I hope my heart will eventually follow as I know logically it should. The trouble now is I have had a taste of another life - a life that seemed perfect. This makes it very difficult to go back to the old life. Of course, that other life was lived in a fantasy bubble - it was all about fun, excitement, love, connection, craziness and sex. It is so unfair and ridiculous to compare it with a normal marriage - changing nappies, putting out the rubbish, falling asleep in front of the TV, paying the phone bill.

 

Some people will tell you that the affair was "just a fantasy" and that it wasn't real. Others will tell you that it very much is a real thing. For me, it is absolutely both! Everything that was done and said and felt in that affair was completely genuine, but it was the context itself that was the fantasy - that was the big lie we were living. We had no right to sneak about behind the backs of our partners and connect like that. We were committed to others. We had no right to fall in love and tell each other that we loved each other - we weren't free to do that. We never spoke of this, we didn't need to - it was the unspoken truth and that's why it all had to be conducted in secret, in hotel rooms, hired apartments and online - this only added to its allure of course! How could simple old boring average me be living this incredible adventure with this absolute princess - I had to pinch myself sometimes! It could only exist in our bubble and once the bubble bursts, it becomes horribly exposed. The worlds collide and that's when you realise how stupid you have been and that actions have consequences.

 

It is over 100 days since I went into NC and I've been doing quite well recently, but I must admit that the last few days have been tough. I am finding that for me, recovery is going in cycles - bad days, good days, bad days, good days, etc. Over time, I hope that the good days become more numerous and that generally does seem to be happening, but when you are in the middle of a bad patch, it is hard to be rational. When I am down, I really am down and it feels permanent, although I do feel I am coming out of my current bad patch at the moment now. I have to force myself to accept that actually, this time last month I was actually feeling OK (relatively speaking), and with any luck, I will be again this time next month.

 

Please don't flame me guys, but I want to confess to you that I came dangerously close to reaching out to my xOW yesterday. It would have been a truly horrendous, selfish, stupid, crazy thing to do and could only have caused damage to absolutely everyone involved. I just wanted to hear her voice and say sorry to her and share a few sweet nothings. How ridiculously weak I am. I don't think I would actually have done it even without coming here to LS yesterday, but being here was epic for me yesterday. Running off a few posts, reading your posts and just feeling part of a community of like minded people. I cringe and shudder to think that I even considered doing something so stupid after so much good work in NC. Come here often weylyniw. Post to us when you feel down - it does really help.

 

weylyniw, I'm just trotting this out because it's therapeutic for me, and it may give you an idea of what's going through your xMM's mind. His head is probably like a bowl of spaghetti like mine - his feelings for you are genuine, but he has love for his wife and family too and is well aware of the devastation that would follow if he were to abandon them.

 

For me and the players in my story, and you and the players in your story, the only realistic way to proceed is to maintain strict NC. The feelings will subside with time - it's almost guaranteed. And never, ever again get into a relationship with someone where either of you are in any way still in a relationship with someone else. The pain it causes is just simply not worth it.

 

Welcome to LS weylyniw, and keep posting. Also feel free to PM me if you want.

 

All the very best of luck. We are here with you. J

 

100 days NC is fantastic! Ive restarted NC for the 4th (?) time now & Im struggling with Day 6. 100 days - no easy feat. Hope you feel better soon.

Edited April 2, 2016 by The Aftermath

[sandylee1]

 

As to my post on who a player is. The are successful because they fill a void. That is real and a BS must accept that if they want to reconcile. That void must be filled.

 

Actually there is a marriage forum that advices the above. That post dday the BS must start working on meeting the emotional needs of the WS.....suggesting planning dates..... great intimacy ..... buy the WW flowers .... woo her...ensure the home is nice /comfortable.. a place they want to be.

 

It doesn't sit well with many BS to do this after their heart has been ripped out at all.

 

In many cases needs were being met..and if the husband was looking for excitement... by the same token his wife could be step out looking for it too... what a mess it would be then.