OLD/Dating - Back on the Scene / "Mean Ladies" Profile.

[losangelena]

I can get an attitude if someone rubs me the wrong way, but it seems like there's a lot of women out there with chips on their shoulders, and I've learned the hard way that I do not want to be with someone who doesn't respect me and cherish me. I'll treat you like a princess if you treat me like a prince. Asking the guys - do you see a lot of this? And where are the nice women hiding?

 

It's a bit unfair to categorize someone as all mean or all nice. Everyone has both sides to them. I personally have not been privy to some sudden onslaught of meanness. I guess the simple answer is don't date women like this.

 

My friends would describe me as someone that is hard-working, warm, affectionate, and sarcastic. I’m family oriented and a good guy to know for “what should I do” type of situations.

 

It's a bit of a snooze, I have to be honest. It's like all the job descriptions I read. "Be a motivated self-starter, etc.," like, wtf does that actually MEAN? Give particulars. Show your friggin' personality. This is true across the entirety of your profile.

 

I'm the time of guy that can go out and enjoy a night out, but I also need time to relax and refresh. I keep a small circle of friends so I’m more the type to keep up with them than to be out constantly with different people.

 

Again, and not to be mean (pardon the callback), you make yourself sound like literally every other person in the world. I would wager to bet that MOST people like being social, and also like being antisocial at times. Pick out what's interesting and UNIQUE about you.

 

And yes, it's too long. Long and interesting is one thing; long and trite is another matter.

 

I think a better hook with OLD, instead of simply describing yourself, is to spark someone's curiosity. Both women and men these days live full lives as single people. There needs to be a value add coming from any potential relationship. I don't mean you have to promise to shower a woman with diamonds as you ride around in your private jet, or that you have to have a life that's full of excitement and intrigue, I just mean that there needs to be some enticement.

 

You've got to find a way to describe yourself and your experience that'll make a woman go, "yes." In my experience, that actually has little to do with looks. The most interesting profile I ever read was from a guy who had two crappy mirror selfies, but the way he wrote about his life (which was actually a pretty meager existence), was so intriguing to me that I messaged him straight away and was basically like, "so when are we going out?"

[LookAtThisPOst]

I have to concur with the headline...women on these dating sites have more and more of an axe to grind.

 

It's like they are berating a faceless audience making terrorist demands of what they are looking for.

 

I would imagine they would have to replace their keyboards at home if they got made enough.

[BlueIris]

I have to concur with the headline...women on these dating sites have more and more of an axe to grind.

 

It's like they are berating a faceless audience making terrorist demands of what they are looking for.

 

I would imagine they would have to replace their keyboards at home if they got made enough.

 

I disagree, LATP. I think that all people who support themselves are looking for an addition to their lives, a plus. That's what most people are thinking when they do OLD. What would this person bring? Do I really want to spend time with him or her?

MAYBE looks will be enough for a first date, or 3, but relationship always comes down to personality and connection.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I disagree, LATP. I think that all people who support themselves are looking for an addition to their lives, a plus. That's what most people are thinking when they do OLD. What would this person bring? Do I really want to spend time with him or her?

MAYBE looks will be enough for a first date, or 3, but relationship always comes down to personality and connection.

 

If you disagree, then you haven't seen what I've witnessed.

[BlueIris]

If you disagree, then you haven't seen what I've witnessed.

 

People are berating you and making terrorist demands of you? (What's a terrorist demand? Threat to kill you?)

[LookAtThisPOst]

People are berating you and making terrorist demands of you? (What's a terrorist demand? Threat to kill you?)

 

You know what I mean. It's AS IF they are berating their audiences, making demands.

 

You really know how to veer this thread off the tracks, don't you?

[jasmineb]

I have to concur with the headline...women on these dating sites have more and more of an axe to grind.

 

It's like they are berating a faceless audience making terrorist demands of what they are looking for.

 

I would imagine they would have to replace their keyboards at home if they got made enough.

 

I have observed much of the same thing from many men. I am not on online dating but I see it many many other places on the internet. It seems as if many men want to sleep with a woman but they do not like women. This is sad and disturbing to me.

[BlueIris]

You know what I mean. It's AS IF they are berating their audiences, making demands.

 

You really know how to veer this thread off the tracks, don't you?

 

I didn't know what you meant. Really. It sounded very scary and threatening.

 

It isn't really off topic though because OP too sees many of the OLD women and women in general as "mean." (like scary and threatening)

 

I think that sometimes people read their own emotions and tone into what others write. (I do sometimes, for sure.) But sometimes what one person might view as a demand or as berating is really just a deal breaker or necessity for the writer. For example, if someone said, "no smokers," some might see that as a demand but a smoker would see it as a nonstarter. "Must be fit and active" could be seen as a demand I guess. But if you do 4 triathlons a year, it's a necessity. I'm not going to contact a triathlete! On the other hand, when I did OLD some men said they wanted fit and active women (which I am not!) but they meant thin to average, which I am. Then they'd argue that I was fit and active. So they were just dumb I guess.

 

I've never seen berating or threats so I really was serious.

[TheArtist]

Hi - I'm xxxx. Thanks for stopping by. I don’t mind women taking the initiative – if you think we’d click, you must submit. (An email or wink that is)

 

My friends would describe me as someone that is hard-working, warm, affectionate, and sarcastic. I’m family oriented and a good guy to know for “what should I do” type of situations. I find most people can talk to me, and usually come to me for advice. I listen well. I do push back with a smile. I'm also a verbal processor - I talk things/ideas out.

 

I’m silly, and goofy, and can still be a bit of klutz. (childhood was awkward) -not sure this implies something else. But I’m also a former debate coach, a leader in my industry, and I work with colleagues from around the world and with big titles, so I know when to be appropriate.

 

I grew up in xxx. I went to college here, moved around a bit for work & grad school, but found myself back. Former HS teacher turned corporate training professional. Yes, I have been assimilated. - not terribly interesting for a dating profile.

 

I'd describe myself as a guy who tries to keep things balanced. I like learning and trying new things - such as? What are you doing at the moment? What are you desperate to try?, but I definitely enjoy quiet time. I'm a site-specific extrovert. I'm the time of guy that can go out and enjoy a night out, but I also need time to relax and refresh. - everyone writes this. Everyone.

 

I keep a small circle of friends so I’m more the type to keep up with them than to be out constantly with different people. I have a wide array of interests, including my career/industry, reading, cooking, traveling, just to name a few - reading what? Traveling where?. I started my career as a high school teacher and now work in corporate training. I think education suits my personality - part engineer, part creative. I like figuring out how things work and I like building things so there's a scientist somewhere in my head. But I can be spontaneous and fun when it's time unwind. So I've got both a left and a right side brain - I'm just waiting to see which side wins out!

 

When I'm out - nothing like good music - rock, blues, jazz - "can't beat a bit of Miles Davies", see? with a good drink, good food and hopefully a good view. I love the warmer months, but I'm always up for a long walk around the city after dinner, even when it's cold.- I like things, but also the opposite. Not very informative! See my profile for more hobbies/interests. - Aren't they already looking at your profile?

What am I looking for? It's overused, but yes - my best friend. Non negotiables: affection, passion, laughter, communication, genuineness, and balance. Someone that can do the little things that make a relationship work and support each other. Short of that, I’m pretty simple.

 

 

I've put my comments in bold alongside the parts to which I'm referring. It's not a terrible profile, just a little safe. I could be completely wrong, I'm a guy, but those things I've highlighted are the parts that stand out, or rather, don't stand out. Demonstrate what you do, don't just tell them. If you're funny, make them laugh or no one will believe you. See?

 

Like most of the others, I agree that it's a little too long.

Edited April 1, 2016 by TheArtist

[LookAtThisPOst]

I didn't know what you meant. Really. It sounded very scary and threatening.

 

It isn't really off topic though because OP too sees many of the OLD women and women in general as "mean." (like scary and threatening)

 

I think that sometimes people read their own emotions and tone into what others write. (I do sometimes, for sure.) But sometimes what one person might view as a demand or as berating is really just a deal breaker or necessity for the writer. For example, if someone said, "no smokers," some might see that as a demand but a smoker would see it as a nonstarter. "Must be fit and active" could be seen as a demand I guess. But if you do 4 triathlons a year, it's a necessity. I'm not going to contact a triathlete! On the other hand, when I did OLD some men said they wanted fit and active women (which I am not!) but they meant thin to average, which I am. Then they'd argue that I was fit and active. So they were just dumb I guess.

 

I've never seen berating or threats so I really was serious.

 

Well, what I've read was more contextual. Meaning when put in context, some of these profiles wind up like long diatribe of bitter experiences they've been through.

 

I saw one profile where she was just mad with men and she never followed it up after the rant anything about herself AND what she was looking for.

 

I'd have to look up an example to give to you, but you'll know it if you see it.

 

There's another thing to note, not that women are mean, but I had talked with a woman that when she went out on in-person dates with men...they noticed she was more callous and not feminine. She was a traveled career woman with a young son she was taking care of.

 

But she noticed a pattern of men that were turned off by her lack of softness in her mannerisms. They tend to come off as wooden when they talk or sometimes stand-offish. The walls are always up, etc.

 

They aren't really mean, but they could be a bit more softer/feminine.

 

I recall an article by a woman as why she would never get married again. She's a professional working at Chanel. Early 40s. She was a pregnant teenager at 16, got married at 18, divorced at 30 and now has a grown daughter in her early 20s.

 

She has resolved herself from EVER being married again. She doesn't forgo completely relationships with men which end in a few years, inevitably, but she sees no purpose in ever marrying again as she knows people's tastes, beliefs, etc, change over time as she's discovered between 18 and 30...a lot can happen in the two spouses.

 

She sees the inevitability of marriage deteriorating, eventually, no matter what. That it WILL happen.

 

Sounds negative, but it isn't really as the tone of her article is ever so "matter-of-fact-like."

 

That's the scary part.

 

To her, "Sure a boyfriend is great on occasion, but even THAT will see its demise sooner or later."

 

She seems to be some kind of prophet of being so assured of the inevitable failure of marriage....at least with herself.

[jasmineb]

She seems to be some kind of prophet of being so assured of the inevitable failure of marriage....at least with herself.

 

Yes we do seem to get what we expect to get. The above thinking is a kind of thinking I see a lot. A person with such negative and fatalistic thinking should not be surprised when no one wants to be romantically or otherwise involved with them.

[BlueIris]

Well, what I've read was more contextual. Meaning when put in context, some of these profiles wind up like long diatribe of bitter experiences they've been through.

 

I saw one profile where she was just mad with men and she never followed it up after the rant anything about herself AND what she was looking for.

 

I'd have to look up an example to give to you, but you'll know it if you see it.

 

There's another thing to note, not that women are mean, but I had talked with a woman that when she went out on in-person dates with men...they noticed she was more callous and not feminine. She was a traveled career woman with a young son she was taking care of.

 

But she noticed a pattern of men that were turned off by her lack of softness in her mannerisms. They tend to come off as wooden when they talk or sometimes stand-offish. The walls are always up, etc.

 

They aren't really mean, but they could be a bit more softer/feminine.

 

I recall an article by a woman as why she would never get married again. She's a professional working at Chanel. Early 40s. She was a pregnant teenager at 16, got married at 18, divorced at 30 and now has a grown daughter in her early 20s.

 

She has resolved herself from EVER being married again. She doesn't forgo completely relationships with men which end in a few years, inevitably, but she sees no purpose in ever marrying again as she knows people's tastes, beliefs, etc, change over time as she's discovered between 18 and 30...a lot can happen in the two spouses.

 

She sees the inevitability of marriage deteriorating, eventually, no matter what. That it WILL happen.

 

Sounds negative, but it isn't really as the tone of her article is ever so "matter-of-fact-like."

 

That's the scary part.

 

To her, "Sure a boyfriend is great on occasion, but even THAT will see its demise sooner or later."

 

She seems to be some kind of prophet of being so assured of the inevitable failure of marriage....at least with herself.

 

I just read the article. Why I'll Never Get Married Again - Motto

We didn’t see that the same way. You skipped most of what she said and drew a negative conclusion I didn’t see at all. She gave several reasons why she wouldn’t marry again and then said: “For those of us who are fiercely independent and have our own established lives, there’s no reason that marriage should be considered the only or best choice. For some people it may be, but for the rest of us, we’ll take our alone time and live happily ever after.”

 

I’m like her. A couple of my relationships ended at least in part because the guys thought I wasn’t warm and feminine enough. I was not right for them but it seemed to upset them far more than it upset me- that I wasn't what they wanted me to be. I'm matter-of-fact about that. I mean, what choice is there? Why be upset that someone isn't want you wished they'd be? The wish is the problem, not the person.

 

A couple of posters have asked OP what he considers “mean,” so it will interesting to see what he says.

Edited April 1, 2016 by BlueIris

[LookAtThisPOst]

I’m like her. A couple of my relationships ended at least in part because the guys thought I wasn’t warm and feminine enough.

 

Right, though typically these kinds of relationships, at least the ones I've known where women had these character traits, were more friends-with-benefits than an actual relationship.

 

That's usually what it winds up being.

[The_Dork_Lard]

 

Hi - I'm xxxx. Thanks for stopping by. I don’t mind women taking the initiative – if you think we’d click, you must submit. (An email or wink that is)

 

My friends would describe me as someone that is hard-working, warm, affectionate, and sarcastic. I’m family oriented and a good guy to know for “what should I do” type of situations. I find most people can talk to me, and usually come to me for advice. I listen well. I do push back with a smile. I'm also a verbal processor - I talk things/ideas out.

 

I’m silly, and goofy, and can still be a bit of klutz. (childhood was awkward). But I’m also a former debate coach, a leader in my industry, and I work with colleagues from around the world and with big titles, so I know when to be appropriate.

 

I grew up in xxx. I went to college here, moved around a bit for work & grad school, but found myself back. Former HS teacher turned corporate training professional. Yes, I have been assimilated.

 

I'd describe myself as a guy who tries to keep things balanced. I like learning and trying new things, but I definitely enjoy quiet time. I'm a site-specific extrovert. I'm the time of guy that can go out and enjoy a night out, but I also need time to relax and refresh. I keep a small circle of friends so I’m more the type to keep up with them than to be out constantly with different people.

I have a wide array of interests, including my career/industry, reading, cooking, traveling, just to name a few. I started my career as a high school teacher and now work in corporate training. I think education suits my personality - part engineer, part creative. I like figuring out how things work and I like building things so there's a scientist somewhere in my head. But I can be spontaneous and fun when it's time unwind. So I've got both a left and a right side brain - I'm just waiting to see which side wins out!

 

When I'm out - nothing like good music - rock, blues, jazz - with a good drink, good food and hopefully a good view. I love the warmer months, but I'm always up for a long walk around the city after dinner, even when it's cold. See my profile for more hobbies/interests.

 

What am I looking for? It's overused, but yes - my best friend. Non negotiables: affection, passion, laughter, communication, genuineness, and balance. Someone that can do the little things that make a relationship work and support each other. Short of that, I’m pretty simple.

 

I noticed immediately some grating, passive language.Too many words describing yourself from an outside perspective, as if an object - a passive position to take.

 

Try positioning yourself using active language

 

For example, you wrote:

 

My friends would describe me as someone that is hard-working, warm, affectionate, and sarcastic.

This suggests you don't know yourself and lack confidence, because you're relying on your friends' descriptions. Its impact is soft, and it sounds weak.

 

Try this for impact:

 

I am hard-working, warm, affectionate, and sarcastic.

Another example, you wrote:

 

 

I'd describe myself as a guy who tries to keep things balanced.

Don't 'describe' yourself as 'trying' to be balanced. Be balanced!

 

Alternatives:

 

I'm balanced

I like balance

I'm a balanced guy

Also, I've bolded a few "but"s. In the contexts I've highlighted them they sound dismissive of their former statements. 'But' often has negative connotations. The way these read will have sub-conscious resonance with readers, and affect how you're perceived. Consider changing them for "and". 'And' sounds more inclusive, more positive, more sure. Edited April 19, 2016 by The_Dork_Lard

[LookAtThisPOst]

I noticed immediately some grating, passive language.Too many words describing yourself from an outside perspective, as if an object - a passive position to take.

 

Try positioning yourself using active language

 

For example, you wrote:

 

This suggests you don't know yourself and lack confidence, because you're relying on your friends' descriptions. Its impact is soft, and it sounds weak.

 

Try this for impact:

 

Another example, you wrote:

 

 

Don't 'describe' yourself as 'trying' to be balanced. Be balanced!

 

Alternatives:

 

Also, I've bolded a few "but"s. In the contexts I've highlighted them they sound dismissive of their former statements. 'But' often has negative connotations. The way these read will have sub-conscious resonance with readers, and affect how you're perceived. Consider changing them for "and". 'And' sounds more inclusive, more positive, more sure.

 

Wow, you're really reaching far as to argue semantics and actually reading into his profile description that deeply. Believe you me, if he's cute enough for them to look at, they'll not notice nor care.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Wow, you're really reaching far as to argue semantics and actually reading into his profile description that deeply. Believe you me, if he's cute enough for them to look at, they'll not notice nor care.

 

I disagree because I think there's as much power in language subtleties as there is in somebody's looks. When we read things, we're perceiving and interpreting deeply - language matters. Less is more, and all that.

 

One can always shorten their sentences to create more punch, and one can always say less overall to create mystery - both powerful devices.

 

If I read a profile like that, I'd feel put off as overall it sounds wishy-washy and generic, which represents him the same way. So I'm giving my opinion on why it's wishy-washy, and how to make it much punchier without changing the adjectives he uses to describe himself. This will represent him completely differently, and will go a long way to compliment his looks.

 

So yes, semantics are vitally important, as any poet will tell you.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I disagree because I think there's as much power in language subtleties as there is in somebody's looks. When we read things, we're perceiving and interpreting deeply - language matters. Less is more, and all that.

 

One can always shorten their sentences to create more punch, and one can always say less overall to create mystery - both powerful devices.

 

If I read a profile like that, I'd feel put off as overall it sounds wishy-washy and generic, which represents him the same way. So I'm giving my opinion on why it's wishy-washy, and how to make it much punchier without changing the adjectives he uses to describe himself. This will represent him completely differently, and will go a long way to compliment his looks.

 

So yes, semantics are vitally important, as any poet will tell you.

 

Then we're going to have to agree to disagree...as poets are hardly someone to look to as an expert.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Then we're going to have to agree to disagree...as poets are hardly someone to look to as an expert.

 

Case closed!

 

(on the side, poets are experts in language semantics - but this is best left for another forum).