Mapper71 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 I get really tired of my stepdaughter (18) telling me every time I see her how poor she is. This time it was that she was so poor, she couldn't get her bf a birthday present of a $10 pen or even buy stuff to make him a cake. Makes it so we should feel really bad for her. Yet she shows up with a new dress, bags of expensive makeup, face stuff and hair stuff! She tells us that her mother doesn't want her to get a job because it will stress her out with school. Well she only goes to classes 3 days a week and I really doubt she spends more than an hour a day studying and she still can't get a part-time job?? She keeps telling us how she has this anxiety problem and she's going to therapy. She does the occasional babysitting for one family but I can't imagine that is very much. She always has an excuse as to why she can't do something. H gave her a hard time because he bought her a guitar a few years ago but she never plays it. She says "Well I'd probably play it more if it were a viola". H goes "Well I'll get you a viola then". She goes "Well we looked into lessons and they are REALLY expensive They are like $500 a quarter." He had her break down weekly lessons to compare with what he is taking for weekly guitar lessons and it turns out to be about $30/week..;same as he's paying. Then she goes 'Yeah, but I'd have to take it as a college course and I can't do that with my other classes". She was just coming up with excuse after excuse. Why not just say "I have no desire to play any instrument" rather than come up with every reason as to why she can't play? I mean, don't most 18 year olds (and younger) have some sort of part-time job for income? I started working when I was 17 and in high school. I was only able to work weekends then, but it was enough because I grew up knowing how to save money and not wanting for much. During the college years I only worked in the summers because I had enough money to get me through the rest of the year and I wasn't a big spender. Are we just supposed to feel bad for her because she has no money and has anxiety and can't get or keep a job because someone usually rubs her the wrong way? Time to grow up and take responsibility for yourself girl! Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Yes, in my country it's legal to work from 16, the vast majority of people I know (I'm 28) were working from 16 onwards. I even started volunteering at 14 because I couldn't wait to work and was getting frustrated. It's a smart move for so many reasons... the financial boost is the least of it... working teaches you new skills, how to interact with others, the value of hard work, how to self discipline, how to rub along with others, frankly for me it taught me that life is pretty difficult and nothing comes free, you can slave your arse off for an entire week and come out with so little you think they made a mistake at payroll! But that's a positive because you realise how important it is to work hard, improve yourself, get better jobs and prioritise your bills. But you know all of this, the question isn't whether we think work is beneficial, it's how you manage this within your family. Sad to say, she's your stepdaughter so you really have little influence here if her parents aren't supportive of her working. She'll only work when she has no choice i bet, when money stops coming free. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) She DEFINITELY needs to learn how to get along with others! Sometimes things are hard, but that doesn't mean you give up because you don't understand it or someone you are working with isn't your best buddy. She is so quick to put others out of her life. She's had so many good friends and then we hear how they turned on her or said something about her behind her back, etc. I'm sure she was the instigator in all of them. Even when we were out last weekend and shared a plate of Thai food at the mall. She was so adamant, "Oh I don't want you to have to spend a bunch of money on me and this Thai food looks expensive." It was normal priced $8-$10 for the food. I tell her to pick a plate and we'll share it. She goes "How about the Pad Thai?" I said that was fine and was going to get it with chicken (chicken and beef were $8 and prawns were $10) but then she goes "Can we get it with prawns?" You don't want me to spend a bunch of money on you, but you pick the most expensive addition to the Pad Thai! Edited March 31, 2016 by Mapper71 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 My son has worked since he was 16 and he never considered not working since then. He couldn't wait to have his own money. The problem with your daughter is that her mother is sending her the wrong message. Basically encouraging her to make excuses and lean on them for why she doesn't do certain things. This girl is old enough to make her own decisions about her life. Once it gets painful enough for her, maybe she'll clue in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Yes, I think most students should be able to find time for a part time job, or if not that at least a seasonal job. On the flip side though, an hour a day studying sounds low. I don't think many can get by with a full course load and lets say 7 hours a week of homework/study. Don't be surprised if she is putting in a lot more time than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) She always plays this "woe is me" act in front of us how her life is so hard. She's so anxious about everything. Her and her boyfriend argue all the time (yet they pretty much live together and are planning on finding a place together in June). Stupid idea! She doesn't want to be a CNA anymore because she's been screwing up so much, even though 3 months ago she told us she was the star pupil and was going to be offered a job from the teacher as soon as she got her certificate. Well she got her certificate last month and no job offered. Her friends turn on her all the time (no doubt because she's most likely snobby to them). She even said to me last weekend "I just have nothing in common with people my age. I mean look at me, I'm 18 and a senior in college. I have nothing to say to others my age and all the girls my age are so catty that I don't get along with them. I like hanging out with the 21 and 22 years olds, I mean that's pretty much our friends anyways." Okay where you got he idea that you are a senior in college is beyond me! You have been in Running Start through your high school for two years and apparently we have now found out that she hasn't even been enrolled in the school district for 2 years! You don't have a h.s. diploma and won't even be able to graduate this summer because you still need 2 more classes! You SHOULD have graduated high school last year but she blames it on how the counselors and the teachers screwed up her schedule. She is taking classes a the college but she is in no way a senior! The whole thing is weird and I"m sure it was her and her mom who screwed up her high school graduation, not the advisors! Once you get your high school diploma THEN we'll talk about being in college! Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 I got my first part-time job at 17, never been unemployed since. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 By the time a kid is a senior in high school, they should get an after-school or summer or weekend job. It's all part of their education. Whether it's mowing the lawn or cleaning house or a little retail or job at the local swimming pool or amusement park, it's high time to start learning and earning. But it's up to her mother. Link to post Share on other sites
jasmineb Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 I believe it is good for a young person to begin working in some capacity when it is legal even if it is simply babysitting others' children and such. If they can drive and have transportation then getting a part time job is a good way to build an ethic of work and help support their needs and wants. However this is something for each parent to decide and as a step parent it is not my place to insist upon such things. It is especially true if the young person does not live with my spouse as the primary parent. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 My daughter works and she's a 17 year old senior in high school. Her job counts towards her credits though so she kinda has to. Link to post Share on other sites
len51 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 I have worked since I was 14, even in college. I want my independence and joined the Army when I was 17 to be on my own. I got tired of sex in cars and cheap motels. The girlfriend that shares me with my wife has a son like your daughter. He is now 40 and still living at home. She refuses to kick him out and he has no job or social skills at this point. When he gets even a menial job he quits the first time he is reprimanded. His mom buys his underwear, cars and anything else he needs to live. Our girlfriend was supposed to move and live with us but she insisted that we let her son live in the same house. I did not want an adult man living in my house where my wife and I were having sex with his mom. So after 30 years, we parted ways. There are those who are ambitions and do not want to rely on others and then there are does who want to be supported and never make much of themselves. The best thing you could do for her is kick her out or give her a time frame to move out. My sister never worked a day in her life so she married one loser who was willing to support her, after another. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 I think she should work to pay for her own extras. But that really doesn't have anything to do with you, you shouldn't let it get under your skin. She only visits you once in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 go find a hobby or something and leave that poor child alone --- the disdain you have for her is super troubling. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 I simply don't like anybody invading my house for any period of time. If she wants to come up for a day and then turn around and go home, great. But staying for more than a day is TOO much! It's not just her, it's ANYBODY! My best friend and her husband stayed with us for 3 days last year. I hadn't seen her in 3 years, and they were nothing but great house guests, but I was ready for them to leave by day 2. My husband's mother stayed with us for a week and was worse than SD. She just sat on the couch, made a mess, and watched tv and went on Facebook all day. I just about lost my mind. My husband's friend and his wife and child and cousin spent the night last July 4th because they were too drunk to drive home. 6 people in a 1000 sq. ft house overnight! I could not WAIT for them to leave the next day. They didn't leave until almost 1PM. I wanted them out of there at 9AM! Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 well my daughter doesn't work during the school year but works during the summer. She has a difficult major. CNA classes are not easy so she probably spend more than an hour studying. Some of her points are valid and some could be just excuses. If she has anxiety is she under treatment? But also you have to remember as far as work ethic goes she doesn't have very good role models. So she is not wholly to blame. I mean your hubby barely works esp the last job and calls out sick to drink and play guitar what do you expect? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 I simply don't like anybody invading my house for any period of time. If she wants to come up for a day and then turn around and go home, great. But staying for more than a day is TOO much! She is your stepdaughter, the child of your husband. Part of your role as her stepmother is to help her and welcome her into your home even when you don't feel like it. That's the way it is when you marry a person with children. It's hard to imagine what your loathing towards her must feel like. It's really sad. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 She is your stepdaughter, the child of your husband. Part of your role as her stepmother is to help her and welcome her into your home even when you don't feel like it. That's the way it is when you marry a person with children. It's hard to imagine what your loathing towards her must feel like. It's really sad. I wouldn't welcome my sister to my home for more than 2 days. I wouldn't welcome my 83 year old mother into my home for more than 2 days. If I don't even want my blood relatives (who I like!) in my home for more than 2 days then why should I want to roll out the welcome mat for my stepdaughter who isn't even related to me and want her to stay indefinitely?? Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 I wouldn't welcome my sister to my home for more than 2 days. I wouldn't welcome my 83 year old mother into my home for more than 2 days. If I don't even want my blood relatives (who I like!) in my home for more than 2 days then why should I want to roll out the welcome mat for my stepdaughter who isn't even related to me and want her to stay indefinitely?? because you married her father. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) I simply don't like anybody invading my house for any period of time. girl, who cares. the truth is - no one asked you sh*t. your opinion isn't needed or welcomed when it comes to this girl's life, obviously & the house is not ONLY yours... it is your husband's, too. you are, OBVIOUSLY, not raising this girl so i don't know why are you so interested in her anyway...? you don't like her, you consider her snobby (?!?!?). the girl comes to her DAD, not you - that's for sure. if you don't like it, get yourself your OWN place where you'll set up your own rules & you'll be the only one living there. you're trying so hard to make this child into your personaly enemy... i'm seriously troubling. like i said - get a hobby & stop sticking your nose in other people's business. Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) girl, who cares. the truth is - no one asked you sh*t. your opinion isn't needed or welcomed when it comes to this girl's life, obviously & the house is not ONLY yours... it is your husband's, too. you are, OBVIOUSLY, not raising this girl so i don't know why are you so interested in her anyway...? you don't like her, you consider her snobby (?!?!?). the girl comes to her DAD, not you - that's for sure. if you don't like it, get yourself your OWN place where you'll set up your own rules & you'll be the only one living there. you're trying so hard to make this child into your personaly enemy... i'm seriously troubling. like i said - get a hobby & stop sticking your nose in other people's business. Daaaaaaamn girlfriend! Sing it! Really so my house which I share with H who barely pays his share of anything including rent and bills. Me, who does ALL the yardwork, runs ALL the errands, does ALL the grocery shopping, takes him and SD out for dinner and spends $70 because he can't afford to do it. Yes it pretty much is MY house! Yet she is welcome to stay at the drop of a hat? I would never ask my daughter (if I had one) to come up and stay indefinitely without making SURE it was okay with my husband. Frankly I'd probably be glad to be rid of her after 18 years! And yes, I actually did a hell of a lot more raising of her over the past 7 years then he did. She'd come up for weekend visits to see HER DAD and I would be the one stuck with her while he took naps and worked on his motorcycle, played his video game. Stuck his head in for 5 minutes to see how we were doing, grabbed a beer, and went back to doing his own thing. Would beg her to come to the motorcycle track for a weekend and then be off with his buddies all day while she had to sit there with me telling me how bored she was. This girl was basically thrust on me and I hated it! I couldn't stand babysitting kids when I was a teenager and nothing has changed! So it's fine for me to not want my mother with me for any period of time, even though she raised me and paid for my schooling and gave me things, but I should DEFINITELY want this child who isn't related to me to be with me no matter what? That makes no sense! She has her own parents. I did fine with one set of parents! Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 She is your stepdaughter, the child of your husband. Part of your role as her stepmother is to help her and welcome her into your home even when you don't feel like it. That's the way it is when you marry a person with children. It's hard to imagine what your loathing towards her must feel like. It's really sad. And shouldn't I also welcome my elderly mother into my house as well even when I don't feel like it? When she is old and can no longer live on her own, isn't that what a good daughter should do? I don't see anyone saying THAT's my duty! I could not imagine living with her day in and day out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 She is your stepdaughter, the child of your husband. Part of your role as her stepmother is to help her and welcome her into your home even when you don't feel like it. That's the way it is when you marry a person with children. It's hard to imagine what your loathing towards her must feel like. It's really sad. And actually I show her nothing but the sweetest face when she's there and take her to do stuff and act like I'm her big sister. I put on a pretty good act! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 And actually I show her nothing but the sweetest face when she's there and take her to do stuff and act like I'm her big sister. I put on a pretty good act! The way you paint yourself and your husband, the only wonder is the fact that your SD comes over at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) The way you paint yourself and your husband, the only wonder is the fact that your SD comes over at all. I know riiiight! She must be crazy in la cabeza! And she actually CHOSE to come visit this last time...for 4 days! Cuckoo! And she cried when she left because apparently because she didn't want to! Edited April 1, 2016 by Mapper71 Link to post Share on other sites
jasmineb Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 And actually I show her nothing but the sweetest face when she's there and take her to do stuff and act like I'm her big sister. I put on a pretty good act! The translation of this is that you are a hypocrite and liar. But she likely feels your hatred. You do not seem to like the daughter of the man you married very much. You also seem very angry and unhappy. Do you believe that her getting a job will fix this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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