Should an 18 year old have a part-time job?

[Mapper71]

The translation of this is that you are a hypocrite and liar. But she likely feels your hatred.

 

You do not seem to like the daughter of the man you married very much. You also seem very angry and unhappy. Do you believe that her getting a job will fix this?

 

Yup I put on a good face for everyone..therefore yes, I am a hypocrite and a liar! I don't like the kids of ANYONE, not just his. Yes, yes, I know the old "Well you knew he had kids when you married him" thing (try saying that on the stepparent forum site you'll get a lot of feedback from stepparents who hate their stepkids as well...trust me, I'm not the only one out there, yet they still married their husbands/wives knowing they had kids!), Yup I did, but she wasn't in his life very much, and when she was, I managed to get stuck with her.

 

I believe at 18 that she needs a job and some independence away from her parents. Move away. Go to Europe for a semester. Join the army. Something.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Mapper71

[jasmineb]

I'm not the only one out there

 

I have heard this used to justify many things. How would you evaluate your own character when you think of your feelings toward others?

[dreamingoftigers]

Yup I put on a good face for everyone..therefore yes, I am a hypocrite and a liar! I don't like the kids of ANYONE, not just his. Yes, yes, I know the old "Well you knew he had kids when you married him" thing (try saying that on the stepparent forum site you'll get a lot of feedback from stepparents who hate their stepkids as well...trust me, I'm not the only one out there, yet they still married their husbands/wives knowing they had kids!), Yup I did, but she wasn't in his life very much, and when she was, I managed to get stuck with her.

 

I believe at 18 that she needs a job and some independence away from her parents. Move away. Go to Europe for a semester. Join the army. Something.

 

It honestly sound like you need a little more independence.

 

You live with someone you can barely stand who has a child you resent and critique.

 

Maybe it's time to section off areas of the house that's "pretty much yours" until one of you can move.

 

It really sounds like they are only a inconvenience to you constantly.

 

In fact, I can't think of one person you have mentioned you find good or nice etc.

 

Maybe some time to yourself would be best.

 

Then you don't have to worry about stepdaughters, co-workers (perhaps time for a more solitary job), husbands etc.

 

Then you won't have to act like anything either. You can just be you, without feeling victimized or like you have to support anyone.

[RecentChange]

Count me as another who has been working since they were 16.

 

I got laid off when I was 23, and had two weeks off until I started at my next position. Otherwise it has been work work work! Including my 4.5 years attending college full time.

[dreamingoftigers]

Count me as another who has been working since they were 16.

 

I got laid off when I was 23, and had two weeks off until I started at my next position. Otherwise it has been work work work! Including my 4.5 years attending college full time.

 

I HAD TO work full-time at 16. My father was so abusive I moved from home and worked while finishing High School.

 

I often worked two or three jobs when I was younger.

[RecentChange]

^^ ya know, and no regrets. I work hard and party hard.

 

Working since a young age taught me discipline, time management.

 

Doesn't matter how Late I stayed out the night before, I get up early, put on a professional face and get it done.

 

I hate to say "the younger generation" (I am 37) but I have friends in their early / mid 20's and I am always getting comments "I don't know how you do it!" Regarding the hours I work, sports / hobbies / fun time - it's because of I have been used to stacked days since I was a teen!

 

Sitting on the couch or veging out on TV have never been a part of my life.

 

I am glad my parents said "earn your own money" and as soon as I could drive "why dont you do the grocery shopping / meal planning as well"

 

I think many kids are too coddled and not given enough responsibility.

[turnera]

Are we just supposed to feel bad for her because she has no money and has anxiety and can't get or keep a job because someone usually rubs her the wrong way? Time to grow up and take responsibility for yourself girl!

What you are supposed to do is say 'Sounds like a personal problem to me' and walk away.

 

And if she persists, you then turn to her and say "Here's what I'm going to do for you: I'm going to help you write up your resume for the jobs you need to apply for."

 

And if she then gripes any more, you just shrug, repeat "sounds like a personal problem to me then" and walk away.

 

Of all the people you can think of in the last 100 years who have accomplished something with their lives, I guarantee you not a single one of them grew up without having to work. Work is necessary for kids to learn a multitude of important life lessons.

[turnera]

Count me as another who has been working since they were 16.

 

I got laid off when I was 23, and had two weeks off until I started at my next position. Otherwise it has been work work work! Including my 4.5 years attending college full time.

Same here. Except for the three months maternity leave I got for my one pregnancy, I haven't been away from work for more than two weeks since I was 16, 42 years now...until I got laid off last spring. Talk about freaking out. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was a basket case; I was supposed to BE somewhere, or be DOING something! But I had nowhere to go. Overwhelming sense of guilt, lol.

 

The best thing I ever did was, when DD25 was about 12, I stopped buying her anything. I told her I was giving her an allowance, that she had chores to complete every week, and that I was no longer going to buy her anything. She quickly learned to save her money, and to work to buy stuff. At 25, she's extremely frugal. After graduating college, she couldn't get a job in her field while she waited for grad school to start, so she took a retail job. That's what responsible people do. Your SD has a lot of growing up to do.

[Els]

Daaaaaaamn girlfriend! Sing it! Really so my house which I share with H who barely pays his share of anything including rent and bills. Me, who does ALL the yardwork, runs ALL the errands, does ALL the grocery shopping, takes him and SD out for dinner and spends $70 because he can't afford to do it. Yes it pretty much is MY house! Yet she is welcome to stay at the drop of a hat? I would never ask my daughter (if I had one) to come up and stay indefinitely without making SURE it was okay with my husband. Frankly I'd probably be glad to be rid of her after 18 years!

 

I think you have WAY bigger problems in your life than just your SD not working. What are you going to do about those?

[amaysngrace]

Daaaaaaamn girlfriend! Sing it! Really so my house which I share with H who barely pays his share of anything including rent and bills. Me, who does ALL the yardwork, runs ALL the errands, does ALL the grocery shopping, takes him and SD out for dinner and spends $70 because he can't afford to do it. Yes it pretty much is MY house!

 

So it's fine for me to not want my mother with me for any period of time, even though she raised me and paid for my schooling and gave me things, but I should DEFINITELY want this child who isn't related to me to be with me no matter what? That makes no sense! She has her own parents. I did fine with one set of parents!

 

You aren't doing that fine now though are you? You're on two separate forums complaining about your step daughter, come here on this one to complain about your husband, you complain about the people you work with and when you thought your mother broke her hip you never even took the time to visit.

 

You just complained about the way she is, like you do about everybody in your life.

 

Do you see the fault in others so easily to avoid seeing your own? Because trust me, you are anything but fine. I don't care how many people you say raised you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I took my daughter out for Lemonade Stand today.

 

All of the supplies are things she has purchased with her own money and she invests back into her little business.

 

She stayed out for two hours and walked away with $26.45 after expenses. I push her to save hakf of her profits toward her education and half she can spend. She likes to go to the Disney Store.

 

I take her down by the bike/walking paths. When the splash parks open, I take her to the paths down by there.

 

She also sold $80 worth of Girl Guide cookies today (but she doesn't get to keep any of that money, obviously).

 

My daughter is six. Last summer she made over $300.00 profit from her Lemonade / Fruit Punch stand. We weren't out consistently, but she gets the idea. This year we will probably be out every weekend or every other weekend.

 

It's been great for her self-esteem. She's not afraid to sell to people and engage with them. Great for teaching manners too.

[Mapper71]

You aren't doing that fine now though are you? You're on two separate forums complaining about your step daughter, come here on this one to complain about your husband, you complain about the people you work with and when you thought your mother broke her hip you never even took the time to visit.

 

You just complained about the way she is, like you do about everybody in your life.

 

Do you see the fault in others so easily to avoid seeing your own? Because trust me, you are anything but fine. I don't care how many people you say raised you.

 

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind:laugh: Oh and I'm on WAAAAY more than 2 forums complaining!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind:laugh: Oh and I'm on WAAAAY more than 2 forums complaining!!

 

No joke here:

 

How do you find the time?

 

I'm starting mat leave and still weave it into my day.

[Mapper71]

So just talked with SD online. Yup, she broke up with her bf, but no mention of coming up. She says she might come up Memorial Day weekend, but that's too far away to worry about now! Then I told her she might want to find a part time job to make some money. Wow, did she find every excuse in the book! I asked if she pursued the one job at the mall she said she wanted and she said "No, I got busy and the past two weeks have been hectic". Then says "I just don't want it to end up like Hollister". I asked what happened there. She says "They just got annoying and there was a problem with the managers. Just rude high maintenance people. I had a coworker start a fight with me so I quit". Big surprise there. Seems she doesn't have too many long term relationships with anyone because "everyone is always starting stuff with her". Then she said "I tried to go through the college to find work but their website is so confusing and they don't really have anything in person." Then it was "I really wish I could work at the yarn store down the road" I said "Then why don't you stop in?" and she goes "Usually the owners just work with their friends." Then I told her to go to Craigslist and look at part time jobs. Even sent a few to her. One was a dog walker which would be easy (and at one point she wanted to be a vet) and she goes "Oh I would be so terrible as a dog walker. Probably be dragged by the dogs." Then I sent her one about working at an Aveda store because she loves skin stuff and she goes "Oh I wonder if they would even want someone like me".

 

This is exactly what will happen at any job she finds. She will quit because she doesn't get along with someone. She has an excuse for whatever you throw at her.

[S2B]

When young adults don't work - someone is paying their way.

 

When money stops being handed to them - they get forced to earn their own money.

 

What a concept... You work and you earn money.

[Mapper71]

When young adults don't work - someone is paying their way.

 

When money stops being handed to them - they get forced to earn their own money.

 

What a concept... You work and you earn money.

 

Well then her mother must be giving her some money for stuff. Weird because the mother tells us how poor she is. H sends $220 every month to cover her college expenses but who knows if that's where it's going.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well then her mother must be giving her some money for stuff. Weird because the mother tells us how poor she is. H sends $220 every month to cover her college expenses but who knows if that's where it's going.

What does it matter to you, though? She IS going to college. It's none of your business whether her mom gives her money, and it's highly appropriate for her father to send her money for school regardless of whether you like it or not. ($2640 per year is a very small contribution for a parent to make, IMO). It's also none of your business whether she gets a job or not. She is a young person! Most of us learn some lessons in life the hard way. If she wants to have nice things, some day it's likely that she'll have to pay for them. Or her mom can support that for the rest of her life and your sd can grow into an entitled adult brat. It doesn't have anything to do with you at all.

[BettyDraper]

I was babysitting at age 11 and working part time at age 16.

 

I was also living on my own at age 20.

 

Kids are too damn spoiled and coddled these days.

[S2B]

So if your H gives her a couple hundred dollars every month but doesn't work on a regular basis - is this really about your H who doesn't work a steady job?

 

Is that what you're really mad about Mapper?

 

Maybe his daughter is learning from her father.

[Mapper71]

So if your H gives her a couple hundred dollars every month but doesn't work on a regular basis - is this really about your H who doesn't work a steady job?

 

Is that what you're really mad about Mapper?

 

Maybe his daughter is learning from her father.

 

Oh but he DOES work on a steady basis now that he changed jobs

[Mapper71]

What does it matter to you, though? She IS going to college. It's none of your business whether her mom gives her money, and it's highly appropriate for her father to send her money for school regardless of whether you like it or not. ($2640 per year is a very small contribution for a parent to make, IMO). It's also none of your business whether she gets a job or not. She is a young person! Most of us learn some lessons in life the hard way. If she wants to have nice things, some day it's likely that she'll have to pay for them. Or her mom can support that for the rest of her life and your sd can grow into an entitled adult brat. It doesn't have anything to do with you at all.

 

Thanks Rosie I'll keep that in mind

[S2B]

Oh but he DOES work on a steady basis now that he changed jobs

 

So why did you say he doesn't contribute to the mortgage and bills in the home?

[SpiralOut]

Didn't you say somewhere that your SD has anxiety and is in therapy? It's no wonder she hasn't tried to get a job. She doesn't seem to believe in herself. I think her choices have more to do with fear than with laziness. That's actually sort of sad. Working at a young age is a good experience. I started at age 16 and I actually enjoyed my first job (working at a movie theatre). She should find out where her friends work (if they have jobs) and apply there. They can put in a good word for her, and if she is hired she'll get to work some of her shifts with people she knows. That's how I got my first job.

 

I'm not sure why I'm responding to this at all, since you seem intent upon complaining rather than applying any advice you've received. I guess I just feel sorry for your SD. Why do you hate her so much? She's a teenager. It's pretty normal for kids that age to be annoying. For all you know she could grow up to be a wonderful adult, and if you cared enough to try, you could help her to get there.

[Mapper71]

So why did you say he doesn't contribute to the mortgage and bills in the home?

 

He has been paying his share of the mortgage the past few months. Still working on his share of the bills.

[Mapper71]

Didn't you say somewhere that your SD has anxiety and is in therapy? It's no wonder she hasn't tried to get a job. She doesn't seem to believe in herself. I think her choices have more to do with fear than with laziness. That's actually sort of sad. Working at a young age is a good experience. I started at age 16 and I actually enjoyed my first job (working at a movie theatre). She should find out where her friends work (if they have jobs) and apply there. They can put in a good word for her, and if she is hired she'll get to work some of her shifts with people she knows. That's how I got my first job.

 

I'm not sure why I'm responding to this at all, since you seem intent upon complaining rather than applying any advice you've received. I guess I just feel sorry for your SD. Why do you hate her so much? She's a teenager. It's pretty normal for kids that age to be annoying. For all you know she could grow up to be a wonderful adult, and if you cared enough to try, you could help her to get there.

 

I'm not sure why you are responding to this either

 

I still have daily anxiety. I won't go into certain stores alone because I think people will look at me the wrong way and wonder why I'm there. I won't go into a fast food place for a meal alone because I don't want people judging me on being alone or what I'm eating. I won't go into the kitchen at work when certain people are in there because the idea of having to start a conversation with some of them is frightening. I was scared as HELL to get a job as a teenager. I was (am still) shy and felt awkward and certainly didn't believe I was capable, but went and applied for jobs and got a job and worked there throughout 11th and 12th grade and then summers through my college years. I thrived there and made friends. Then when I graduated college and had to get a "real job" I was once again scared as hell and had no interview skills and blushed if anyone made eye contact with me. Feared everyone and over thought everything single thing I did. Yet I went and applied and got a job I loved and was at for 14 years before moving. Now once again I am at another job that I blushed like crazy at the interview, felt like an idiot, certainly had not very good interaction skills, but was chosen out of 70 candidates for the job. Sorry, but she's going to have to get over the fear and go out there. She certainly talks a big game that everyone loves her and wants to hire her but never seems to go through with it.

 

And sorry if you think I just dislike her. I dislike ALL kids! My sister, my mom and I would rather watch paint dry than hang out with a kid! I'm surprised my mom had us!

Edited April 7, 2016 by Mapper71