Can I ask her to move out and keep the house and the kids?

[Jersey born raised]

Nearly every state will use what is best for the child as standard. First the standard to judge a lawyers worth: you tell him what you want he tells you how to get it legally. By being proactive and speaking to a lawyer now allows you to plan a course of action. This link will guide you to your state standards

State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source. You might be able to stay in the house until your kids hit 18, then sell and split the proceeds.

 

At this point if the only way to bring your spouse to their senses is first plan how to drop the "big Mike" and do so. It will make clear she wants to do. Staying in limbo only decreases the chances of saving your marriage. The big mike:

 

Dropping the mike

 

 

Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

 

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

 

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

 

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropped"

 

I didn't write this, but it is true.

[dichotomy]

It happens more often then you might think.

 

 

The best I have ever seen or heard of in my area of the USA - is 50/50 shared custody - children spending half their time in home with dad, half in the other with mom.

 

I have never ever heard of any dad getting full custody - or even just full residential custody (kids living with him full time but mom has some say in things)....except where wife was a drug user or violent criminal. I never met a normal healthy mom who would simply leave her kids to the dad and run off with new man...but maybe it happens.

 

most common arrangement I see is mom has full time residential custody and dad has shared legal custody ..and the kids spend weekends, alternating holidays, or summers at dads.

 

But thats just my slice of the world...could be different elsewhere.

Edited April 3, 2016 by dichotomy

[ShatteredLady]

I know a man in Texas who got full custody. She was having very 'kinky' (slave) type relationships with very inappropriate men.

 

If a father knows that his children could potentially be hurt physically or emotionally by their ex's relationships & lifesyle, yes! Dads can get full custody but it's very much the exception as others say.

 

For the good of children... Keeping them from their Mum is a HUGE decision. It will effect their lives. Please think very carefully.

[R.Gant]

strike while the iron is hot.

 

she will most likely take less from you if you separate this early.

her guilt and confusion now. can give you an advantage in early separation.

she will most likely not fight for a large portion of assets and custody.

 

call a lawyer and start a mediation.

do not inform her you are contacting a lawyer.

 

if both want to reconnect do it after the divorce.

[Jersey born raised]

Primary custody to the father is a lot more common then in the past. In the part a lot of woman where SAHM. Using the standard of best interest of the children the general thought was the more time a parent had and would spend with the child the better. But that is no longer true. If you both work or will need to work full time other factors come into play. Such as with school age children which parent can keep the kids in there current school and social circle. Next day care. Who can provide the best day care. What is the historic track record of both spouses with involvement in the day to day life of the children.

 

As I posted find a lawyer before confronting to tell you how, do it and then confront by exposing, dropping the mike and gong 180. Do not leave the home, get a pen Var to record conversation (if legal). And ask her to move out.

 

Do not fail to expose. Exposure is the best way to kill an affair. Do not allow it to become a two against one fight in the divorce. It will destroy you and add a decade or more pain. Do not let the other person act as a cheerleader for your WS. Stay focus and laugh in her face if they try to DARVO. What is DARVO?

 

Be well.

[Jersey born raised]

I see you are a northern jersey guy too. I grew up in Morris.

[SaveYourHeart]

Right now, I think you need to talk to an attorney, then talk to your wife. See how she feels about a divorce, talk options with her. Sometimes divorces can be amicable. She clearly doesn't want the life you two have together, maybe she wants to be alone. Maybe she wants to have visitation, but not primary custody. It would make it a lot easier for her to date the guy she's been talking to. Most cheaters have selfish tendencies, to the point they would abandon their own offspring's needs.

 

Someone else mentioned opening a bank account. Good idea. But transferring money? Bad idea. In most states, once you begin a divorce action, it's a violation of the standing order to make any financial changes (emptying bank accounts, removing from insurance, etc.). Open yourself a bank account on the side and put $100, $200 out of your paycheck in it. That will give you a bit of a softer landing when everything is said and done.

 

So. What I would personally do is:

 

1. Talk to several attorneys. Get an idea of where you're heading.

2. Open separate bank account, only put a little in from each paycheck.

3. Talk to your wife. See if she is open to a parenting plan in which you are the primary custodian.

4. If she's not open to #3, go back to your attorney, have papers drafted the same day and have her served.

 

Play as nice as you can, but don't be afraid to get dirty.

[LanceMannion]

Read all the feedback. Many thanks for the replies. In my opinion my kids would be better off with me but I guess that is something that will be sorted out in the process.

 

And FWIW I don't think they had sex. Her iMessages only spoke of them in a 'marathon make-out session' at a bar with a live band. Call me a sucker but I believe her.

 

The real hurt is the distance she has once again created here. There is no sense of responsibility or guilt. Total lack of empathy. And of course I kept chasing her to try and 'fix' things and she made plans with him yet again.

 

She may do nothing and come back into the relationship so the eternal optimist in me will keep hope alive. But i'm going to start the lawyer process tomorrow.

 

Thanks again

LM

[turnera]

i'm going to start the lawyer process tomorrow.

 

Thanks again

LM

Did you? Start the process?

[tracey86]

caught my wife having a relationship with another guy (no sex, just a few dates and kissing and TONS of flirting via text messages). I caught her and we were good for a bit as she agreed not to talk to him any longer but he reached out to her again and she quickly agreed to see him again. they have a working relationship (he is a vendor to her firm) so she has to talk to him.

 

this has driven me into a massive depression with massive panic attacks and I'm now on Lexapro and seeing a shrink.

 

we have 2 kids (girl 13 and boy 11).

 

am I crazy for this type of reaction? I'm literally shaking as I type this and read her iMessages on her old laptop.

 

she literally feels no guilt or shame. she totally lacks empathy.

 

was divorce your first option did you guys consider counselling and getting to the root of why she's doing those things despite your home life?

[purplesorrow]

was divorce your first option did you guys consider counselling and getting to the root of why she's doing those things despite your home life?

 

She didn't choose counseling as a first option, why should he after such a betrayal?

[I4givehim]

GO TO A LAWYER!!! Get a free consultation. Protect yourself. I regret not doing anything right away. I waited thinking we can fix our marriage. Take care of you.

[stillafool]

I don't believe for one moment that your wife hasn't had sex with this guy. She more than likely has and that's why she's so obsessed about her body and looks at this point. Ask her to leave. She will probably go without question. If she refuses talk to an attorney.

 

OP, are you there? How do you like the advice you've received so far?

[MadJackBird]

Read all the feedback. Many thanks for the replies. In my opinion my kids would be better off with me but I guess that is something that will be sorted out in the process.

 

And FWIW I don't think they had sex. Her iMessages only spoke of them in a 'marathon make-out session' at a bar with a live band. Call me a sucker but I believe her.

The real hurt is the distance she has once again created here. There is no sense of responsibility or guilt. Total lack of empathy. And of course I kept chasing her to try and 'fix' things and she made plans with him yet again.

 

She may do nothing and come back into the relationship so the eternal optimist in me will keep hope alive. But i'm going to start the lawyer process tomorrow.

 

Thanks again

LM

 

 

Does it matter?!?! Are you okay with this. They are committing emotional adultery. Left to it's on devices it will become physical. Make Out Sessions lead to sex.

 

Stop chasing her, stop trying to fix things. Just go to the lawyer, tell her to move out. The best way to salvage this (if you really want to salvage it) is to be ready to walk away. It's not intuitive, but she won't have a wake up call until she knows her cake eating can go away.