Cheated, had another mans child; [tell] my husband? [update 2016-06-16]

[Kate84]

Before I me my husband I used to work in modelling. But I gave it up when I married my husband. At the time it was causing too many problems in our relationship. So I give to be with him and for the most part I don't regret it. But anyway early into our marriage he was away a lot almost half the year he would be on the road and only pop in every couple of days. And I found myself alone almost all the time. During the time he was away I would continue to party with some friends. Some of them still worked in modelling. My husband never liked me hanging out with them because he knew what would happen during those parties but I was able to convince it wasn't what he thought.

 

 

At one of the parties, one of friends brought a new guy. Me and him really hit off he was sweet and good looking. I knew he would be trouble but I was kinda of drunk already. We continued hanging out for the rest of the night. We got completely drunk and high and we later we had sex. We both never remembered much of that night. I dint even know his full name at the time. I wasn’t told his full name till the next day. I was 26 at the time. And a month later I found out I was pregnant. My husband came home a couple days later so he had no reason to doubt that the baby was his but it isn’t his.

 

 

So I let my husband think he was the father, and I never bothered telling the real father. I kept this all to myself. My thinking was he would find out someday and I would deal with it then. I am now 32 now, and our child is 6. So far no one has found out or thinks anything. Most people think they look just like each other. People my husband include think we are one happy family which we are but only one built on lies and deceit. We only ever ended up having one child. We both wanted to have more kids. Recently my husband asking when we can start trying for another child. Because he knows I’ve always wanted more children. Even though I really want, a part can't bring another child into the mess I created. But anyway for almost 7 years since having my baby I have felt guilty for my actions and for what I'm doing to my husband and daughter. I never knew what to do at the time I still don’t know what to do. I know my husband have a right to know that the 6 year old girl he was been rising all of her life is not actually his biological child. He does everything for her, he was there so her birth, takes her to school, spends so much time with her, is basically a perfect father. And I don’t want my daughter to lose that. I don’t think she should have to suffer because of me. But I can’t keep pretending anymore. I really want my husband to be happy and for him to have the family he has always wanted. But I know he wouldn’t want that with me if he knew the kind of monster he married.

 

 

I know I am a bad person for doing this to him and my daughter. But I don’t know how to tell him. Should I even till him and try my best to make him happy. I mean he hasn’t found out yet so maybe he might never find out. And I think right now he Is truly happy and loves our daughter. And I know people won't believe me but I really do love him. I wish I could be person, wife and mother he thinks I am.

[SammySammy]

Have you already told your husband?

 

If not, have you had a DNA test to confirm it's not your husband's child?

[Kate84]

Have you already told your husband?

 

If not, have you had a DNA test to confirm it's not your husband's child?

 

No my husband still in the dark. I haven't told him.

 

I had a DNA when our daughter was a few months old. It came back that he wasn't the father.

[Poppyolive]

I think he deserves to know. Your one night stand needs to know he is a father. The both deserve that. Your daughter will need to know when the time is right.

 

You are still her mother. I'm not going to comment on the cheating, lies and deceit. I wish you the courage to do the right thing. All other things will fall into place. Even if it creates a huge mess just now. You will, in time, rest easy knowing you did the right thing. Support your husband if and when he needs you. Give him the space he will need to process everything.

 

Don't go on any longer knowing what you know.....

[SammySammy]

No my husband still in the dark. I haven't told him.

 

I had a DNA when our daughter was a few months old. It came back that he wasn't the father.

 

Oh, wow.

 

I feel for you. Such a tough situation to be in.

 

That poor guy ... and that little girl ... are going to be hurt.

 

Sooner or later you're going to have to face the music. They are going to find out at some point. You're not going to be able to avoid the consequences of your actions.

 

There is a chance your husband will forgive you. A chance this can be resolved in a way that minimizes the harm to your daughter. But, that chance decreases the longer you draw this out.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh my goodness! This is one of those situations where I think you should get professional help. There must be therapists who have encountered & studied this kind of thing & know the best way to approach the subject.

 

Please do this sooner rather than later. It would of been better getting through this before your daughter was old enough to understand in any way what was going on.

 

I hope that your H forgives you & you manage to work through this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I am a bad person for doing this to him and my daughter. But I don’t know how to tell him. Should I even till him and try my best to make him happy. I mean he hasn’t found out yet so maybe he might never find out. And I think right now he Is truly happy and loves our daughter. And I know people won't believe me but I really do love him. I wish I could be person, wife and mother he thinks I am.

 

From my perspective and placing myself in your H's shoes, don't think I'd want to know. The loss of both wife and child would simply be too great and the hurt too much. Might make me a weak person, but I think I'd rather be dumb and happy.

 

And yet I agree he probably deserves to know. Do what you will with my contradictory advice ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[harrybrown]

If your H was the father of another child, would you want to know?

 

How would you feel?

 

Write out a long letter to your H and let him know. Tell him about all the times that you have cheated. Give him all the details.

 

He needs the information so that he can know if he wants to continue the marriage or not. He deserves your honesty.

 

Did you get tested for stds?

[whichwayisup]

God forbid there's an emergency medical issue and his blood or an organ is needed, imagine your husband finding out the truth that way.

 

It's going to suck and be really hard but you owe him the truth. He will be upset and feel betrayed and angry at you for keeping this from him - Yet, he LOVES his daughter and I doubt he's going to walk away from being in her life. He will still be her daddy. Now, he may not be able to forgive you and it may end your marriage.

 

What about her real father? Don't you think he has a right to know he has a daughter?

 

Good luck and I truly hope your daughter is okay throughout this. Maybe think of going to see a family counselor to help you get the courage to come clean with your husband and when you tell him, the therapist can be there too. It would be a safe place for the truth to come out.

[Kate84]

God forbid there's an emergency medical issue and his blood or an organ is needed, imagine your husband finding out the truth that way.

 

It's going to suck and be really hard but you owe him the truth. He will be upset and feel betrayed and angry at you for keeping this from him - Yet, he LOVES his daughter and I doubt he's going to walk away from being in her life. He will still be her daddy. Now, he may not be able to forgive you and it may end your marriage.

If I am completely open and honest. I don't think or expect him forgive me. I'm more then sure when he learns the truth he's finished with me and our marriage. I guess you could say I deserve that for what I've done. I only hope he still see our daughter AS HIS DAUGHTER. She really is daddy's little girl. They have bonded and they love each other so much I can't picture what is could to that relationship. That is what hurts me the most both of them are innocent in all of this. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if caused any damage to that bond/relationship.

 

What about her real father? Don't you think he has a right to know he has a daughter?

 

Well that guy is a complete dead beat as a person and a father. The last spoke to him was a few couple day after that night. Since then the stories I have heard about aren't good. Someone told me that he has 2 kids he hasn't seen either in almost 6 years. He has even been charged with multiple domestic violence charges. He's not someone I want my daughter around she's way better off without him.

 

Good luck and I truly hope your daughter is okay throughout this. Maybe think of going to see a family counselor to help you get the courage to come clean with your husband and when you tell him, the therapist can be there too. It would be a safe place for the truth to come out.

I think some else has posted something about finding a family counselor to help me in this mess. I'm going to look into it and see what I can find.

[SammySammy]

I think some else has posted something about finding a family counselor to help me in this mess. I'm going to look into it and see what I can find.

 

Do that.

 

Having some help, support and guidance through this process will be beneficial.

[road]

OP, your BH deserves the truth.

 

 

Tell him the truth so all of your lives can be set back on their course.

 

 

I would not tell the OM anything at this point. For if your BH is willing to get past this he will not be able to do so with the OM being brought back into his and your life.

[drifter777]

Your selfish heart has done enough damage. There's no need to hurt this man by telling him something he doesn't need to know.

Edited April 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[bubbaganoosh]

If you think it's troubling now, just wait when your husband finds out on his own.

 

I don't think it would have any affect with him and his daughter but it's not bad enough that you cheated on him but brought another mans child into this world and letting your husband think it's his.

 

This goes way beyond just cheating and your husband deserves much better so do the right thing and level with him so he has a chance to make his choice to either leave or stay. I know if it was me, you would be gone. Sorry for being so harsh but you went way past cheating on this one.

[BeholdtheMan]

I would definitely want to know whether my child is actually mine.

 

The vast majority of men do want to be raising children who are not theirs

Edited April 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetrayedH]

Most waywards assume that their spouse will never forgive them. And so they keep lying.

 

From the statistics I've seen, 80%+ of betrayed husbands make at least an initial attempt to reconcile with their wayward wife. Further, making a voluntary confession literally doubles your chances of reconciling. Confessing is a big deal. It demonstrates true remorse, mitigates thoughts that you might still be lying, and shows you to be a person that might be worth forgiving (as opposed to a person that simply lies until they are caught).

 

I agree with the poster that suggested you find a good counselor and, personally, I hope they help you navigate through a confession.

 

Good luck.

[aliveagain]

I was your husband meaning that I was in the same place that you have put him in. I found out that I was not the father of my son, my son who I raised for the first year of his life because she wasn't woman/wife enough to tell me the truth. She has never confessed her infidelity to me but DNA doesn't lie. The nasty bit*h is now my ex, my number, my address is forever unlisted so she can never find me again, she is permanently out of my life. I have very little respect for you because of what you are doing to the man you claim to love. Truth is you are selfish and are more worried about your cheating ass then you are about protecting him from hurt. The only reason I am even posting on your thread is to warn you that you are risking loosing him from your life and your child's life forever because if he finds out before you confess there will be no surviving this disaster you have created regardless of how much counselling you get.

 

I fell in love with her affair child but that love wasn't enough to trump the devastation I felt by her betrayal because the truth never came from her, the truth came from my discovery thus proving that she is a selfish and can never be trusted. The truth will one day come to light no matter how deceptive you are. The hurt will be the same no matter when in his life he discovers the truth, the survival of your relationship on the other had will be dependant on your honesty. I tried very hard not to respond to your posting because until you have lived this kind of betrayal you can not understand the depth of pain you experience with the loss of a spouse and a child. He will never forgive you unless the truth comes from you and he will never accept having the other man in your life forever because of his rights. He has to decide what those rights should be and he has to be the one to decide if he stays in the relationship. Stop taking his rights away and let him decide if you lost him when you laid down with the other man. I am triggering through the roof just writing this to you.

[smi11ie]

Oh dear. This is a horrible situation you have created. We all do silly and selfish things when we are younger. The cheating is not even so bad but telling your husband he is the father is not really fair. I think this is one of those things that will be discovered sooner or later. You may have to accept that your marriage might suffer. I think your main concern should really be your relationship with your daughter. It will be much better for you to tell the truth now. If you wait too long you might lose both of them. Be brave and do the right thing. I wish you all the very best. I think you and your husband should find a good therapist.

[R.Gant]

i'm suspicious though...

 

-your not asking the right questions.

-not writing the right words.

 

are you planning on leaving your husband?

are you planning on leaving your husband with your child?

-key point to that is that you seem to be unhappy.

 

this shows in that you do not want to have another child with your husband and you believe that the situation in your family is not good.

 

 

there is a different way of approaching this situation rather than jumping to the end.

as there are many ways to cut a pie

there are many ways to lessen the impact it is in the manner in which you deliver the news.

[elaine567]

Your selfish heart has done enough damage. There's no need to hurt this man by telling him something he doesn't need to know.

 

Agreed, men raising other men's children is not exactly a rare event.

Telling him to salve some sort of conscience is just cruel, 7 years down the line...

Your daughter will lose her father and be sad, he will lose his child and be sad, you will sit all alone and be sad.

Happy families...

 

If he finds out in the future , he finds out in the future, so be it, but no good will come of opening this particular can of worms now.

Edited April 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[central]

This is the ultimate betrayal for a man. Doubly so if he has no biological children of his own. I believe you should tell him and let the chips fall as they will. He may decide to divorce you and find someone who will love him, honor him, and have children with HIM.

 

 

He is surely bonded with your daughter by now, and being a father is far more than biology. Hopefully, she will not lose a father, but you may lose a husband - which IMO would be appropriate. You owe him a huge debt - don't further compound it.

[wmacbride]

This day and age, it's not always easy to hide a child's parentage. You never know when it come could up for medical reasons, etc.

 

It can be really difficult and painful, but it's better to tell your husband when you can do so at a time when it can be done calmly and collectedly, rather than during a time of crisis, like should there be a health issue with your child.

 

Ideally, i would seek counseling frst for yourself, to try and find the best way to your husband, and if possible, invite him to an appointment with your counselor and tell him there. That way, there'd be a neutral 3rd party who can be there for both of you ad to help mediate the situation, if possible.

[Kate84]

i'm suspicious though...

 

-your not asking the right questions.

-not writing the right words.

 

are you planning on leaving your husband?

are you planning on leaving your husband with your child?

-key point to that is that you seem to be unhappy.

 

this shows in that you do not want to have another child with your husband and you believe that the situation in your family is not good.

 

 

there is a different way of approaching this situation rather than jumping to the end.

as there are many ways to cut a pie

there are many ways to lessen the impact it is in the manner in which you deliver the news.

 

Well I myself don't plan on leaving my husband but I have planed for him leaving me. I know if he learns the truth I don't see how he would want to continue to be married to me. So I have planned for that happening even though it isn't what I want.

 

Can anyone hiding such a secret be truly happy.

 

I never said I didn't want to have more children with my husband because I do. I don't want to bring another innocent child into the current situation. One is already one to many.

[jasmineb]

This is a truth that needs to be told. It may very well be that your husband leaves due to this, though no one knows for sure. However I would not keep this secret from fear that he will leave the child. She is six years old and only a very selfish and angry man would abandon a 6 year old child he has raised from birth. If he does leave your daughter too then is that the kind of man you want her to have anyway? She did not do anything wrong or ask for any of this, and all of her formative years have been spent with him.

[heartwhole]

Perhaps, and I realize I am advocating more dishonesty here, but perhaps you confess to him that you had a one-night-stand around the time you got pregnant, but you don't mention the DNA test. And then you let him process your infidelity and dishonesty, and let HIM decide if he wants to know if she's his daughter or not. He may very well not want to know and say that it doesn't matter, and she looks like him and he loves her and that's that. If it's important to him, then you have the test done (again), and you let the cards fall as they will. I wouldn't normally advocate dishonesty, but I think a lot of people would say that ignorance is bliss if it came to the possibility that their child may not be theirs biologically. This way the choice is his.