Cheated, had another mans child; [tell] my husband? [update 2016-06-16]

[66Charger]

Saying that you want another child is meaningless. Refusing to have another child with your husband is your action. Not only are you lying to him, you are robbing him of something he truly desires. It is beyond my comprehension that anyone would suggest that you continue to lie to your husband. Thats crazy. That is every mans nightmare. Not the child. THE LIE. Are they also suggesting that you continue not having children with your husband? Until when? What if something happens to your husband and he is no longer able to have another child? Could you live with that that?

 

I think there is 0 chance that he will not wish to remain her father. You say she is "dads girl". My daughter is a dads girl too. This NEVER goes away. This is more than biology. It s a deeper level of protectiveness, that even your lies will not be able to puncture.

 

Have you been unfaithful to your husband since this ONS?

 

It is time to stop living in fear and stop living the lie and try to save your marriage. That is if it is important to you. Maybe you can not. But if you love your husband, you should die trying.

[heartwhole]

Wanted to add: I have a friend whose mother is deceased. She's an only child and she and her dad are each other's only family. She recently figured out from medical tests that he probably wasn't her father. They went so far as having DNA testing done, but he was so thrown by everything, that when they came back negative, she lied and said he was her biological father. Sometimes the ties that bind are stronger than DNA. I do believe in openness and honesty, but I also believe that our modern world presents issues humans have never had to face before. Your story is as old as time, and people were none the wiser. Your husband deserves to know you were unfaithful, but I don't think it's a moral imperative that you tell him that your daughter isn't his. You just need to let him know it's a possibility so that he has the autonomy to decide his own future.

[drifter777]

Well I myself don't plan on leaving my husband but I have planed for him leaving me. I know if he learns the truth I don't see how he would want to continue to be married to me. So I have planned for that happening even though it isn't what I want.

 

Can anyone hiding such a secret be truly happy.

 

I never said I didn't want to have more children with my husband because I do. I don't want to bring another innocent child into the current situation. One is already one to many.

Those advising that you tell him are putting themselves into your betrayed husbands place and then, knowing now that the child is not theirs, saying they'd want to know the truth. I put myself into your husbands position of being happily ignorant to this choice you made to cheat and the ugly truth that DNA tells. He doesn't know so he doesn't have to process this horrifying truth. You can spare him that pain by keeping quiet. As someone else suggested, if he finds out in the future you will have to deal with it then but you've kept if from him for 7 years so it's a very good chance you can take this secret to your grave.

 

Keep silent. As for your question "can anyone hiding such a secret be truly happy" I say no - but that's your penance for being a lying cheat. Lots of people live with the guilt of cheating on their spouse and I believe the overwhelming majority never tell their spouse. More people are unknowing BS's than known. Just learn how to live with carrying your cross.

Edited April 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[jasmineb]

My daughter is a dads girl too. This NEVER goes away. This is more than biology. It s a deeper level of protectiveness, that even your lies will not be able to puncture.

 

You are a very good man Mr. Charger. I agree that the parent-child bond goes well beyond biology for those with the true capacity to love.

 

I also agree that continuing to keep such a secret is wrong and very unfair.

[GorillaTheater]

The situation is horrific enough without heaping yet more lies on top of it.

 

 

I'm like Mr. Lucky: I'm torn between the integrity of laying the truth on the table and my own uncertainty as to whether I could handle such a nightmare without it breaking my spirit. But if the OP chooses truth, it can't be a partial truth or trickle truth.

Edited April 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetrayedH]

Agreed, men raising other men's children is not exactly a rare event.

Telling him to salve some sort of conscience is just cruel, 7 years down the line...

Your daughter will lose her father and be sad, he will lose his child and be sad, you will sit all alone and be sad.

Happy families...

 

If he finds out in the future , he finds out in the future, so be it, but no good will come of opening this particular can of worms now.

 

The good that would come of it would be that the betrayed husband would be able to make an informed decision about how he spends the rest of his life, rather than having someone else decide for him. The OP has disrespectfully committed this man to years of raising another man's child. He deserves to be able to decide if he wants to continue to do that or if he wants to take another direction in life and not be tied to a woman that could lie to him for half a decade.

 

The man only has one life. Let him make the decision, rather than continuing to make it for him. If the truth comes to light later, it will be an even worse offense as even more years of his life would have been wasted. He could be with someone else. He could be having his own biological child. He has a right to those choices and they are being stolen from him.

 

As well, plenty of data suggests that younger children recover much more quickly from this kind of event (if a separation occurs) than older children. If life is going to be disrupted, it's better now than later.

[ladydesigner]

OP for everyone's sake as hard as this is going to be, I think is for everyone to know.

 

You have been suffering your own consequences of guilt and definitely should seek counseling to help with everything that unfolds after disclosure.

 

Most likely your M will end, but it doesn't mean the end for you and your child.

 

The fact that this situation is eating you up inside enough to post on a public forum is a good start. Therapy will help you process your past present and help you with your future.

 

Should your BS decide to stay with you get plenty of MC for the both of you and even some IC for him (he will need it).

 

Best of luck to you!

[66Charger]

A father can love a child that is not his own, and by OPs post, the husband is a Father. Even with disclosure, when she calls him on the phone and says " Dad, I need" xyz, (or more likely text), he will answer. If she really wants him in the day to day life, the true battle is for the marriage. There is no chance if this comes out any other way, other than from Wife to Husband. This is what befuddles me. She is preparing for divorce, not to save the marriage.

 

Why is that? Did something else happen?

 

Regardless, she is posting for a reason. It's time and she probably knows it. Any advice (mine included) could be right or wrong, but lying is rarely right.

 

I will take my leave, with a sincere prayer for your family.

 

Edit I do agree with 99% of your post Heartwhole, but not this one.

[Kate84]

If I do tell my husband. I plan no telling him the complete truth, no more lying. I've already lied to him for to long and I don't want to continue lying to him.

 

I haven't cheated or anything like that since that night. I've really tried clean up my life, I like to think I have. I no longer do any kind of drugs and I only drink on special occasions and even then it's not more then 1-2 drinks. Also don't hang out with the same group of people anymore. I've only kept in contact with two girlfriends from that time.

 

The main reason this is coming up now is. My husband has started talking about wanting to retire and settle down. At first I was happy but in a way it puts an end to the way we have been living. And I can't make plans with him about out future if he doesn't know the full truth.

 

I never imagined things would go as far they they have. I never planned for something like this. I was going to tell him the truth around the time my daughter was one but by then both already bonded and I couldn't break the up. My daughter is a lot closer with her dad then she has ever been with me. I never meet my father so I didn't want take her way from the person she believed was her father. At the time I was scared of him leaving and I didn't want to lose him either. I still don't I want that. I really love this man he and my daughter mean everything to me. But I know I have to give the chance to make his own decisions. Even if I don't like them.

Edited April 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
anonymity ~T

[jasmineb]

I was going to tell him the truth around the time my daughter was one but by then both already bonded and I couldn't break the up. My daughter is a lot closer with her dad then she has ever been with me.

 

I would not worry about this changing. 99% of the men I know are good enough men not to walk away from a girl as the only father she has ever known, even if they DO leave their wives. I share no DNA with my own father, and I am thankful that he does not believe that a lack of DNA connection makes a child disposable.

[Sassy Girl]

Everyone bangs on about the father....

 

What about her daughter!?!?

 

SHE has a right to know the truth of her own life. Where her family comes from. Why she has those eyes or that hair. At a basic DNA level she deserved to know who she is and where she comes from. And the longer you leave it to have THAT conversation, the harder it will be.

[Clay]

Everyone bangs on about the father....

 

What about her daughter!?!?

 

SHE has a right to know the truth of her own life. Where her family comes from. Why she has those eyes or that hair. At a basic DNA level she deserved to know who she is and where she comes from. And the longer you leave it to have THAT conversation, the harder it will be.

 

They both do. She is still young and she deserves a chance to know her bio father as well. The husband deserves to know the truth so he can make a informed decision about his life as well.

 

I feel horrible for both of them but they need the truth.

 

C

[usa1ah]

So you are screwing your husband over again so he will never have a child of HIS OWN. Instead you are going to force him to raise another mans child behind his back. Only had one time to think my wife might have cheated on me, I DNA tested my kids to settle my thoughts. They are mine, I hope you husband feels the need to do the same. Not trying to be mean, but you should have told your husband years ago. You can not fix what is broken with out coming clean.

 

 

So your daughter gets sick and needs something from her father for her to get better. That would not be the best time to come clean. Also, if something happened to you. At the same time if the other man finds out, him would have parental rights.

 

 

These is a mess from so many points of view. Be strong and do the right thing.

[usa1ah]

Ok, with that said. I hope you are able to work things out with your husband. I truly believe you love him because you would not be here other wise.

 

 

Stay strong, admit to what happened and continue to love your husband. It won't be easy, but it would be worth it in the end. Also, you have had years to get use to this, when you tell him, it will be like it happened yesterday for him.

[whichwayisup]

If I do tell my husband. I plan no telling him the complete truth, no more lying. I've already lied to him for to long and I don't want to continue lying to him.

 

I haven't cheated or anything like that since that night. I've really tried clean up my life, I like to think I have. I no longer do any kind of drugs and I only drink on special occasions and even then it's not more then 1-2 drinks. Also don't hang out with the same group of people anymore. I've only kept in contact with two girlfriends from that time.

 

The main reason this is coming up now is. My husband has started talking about wanting to retire from playing and settle down. At first I was happy but in a way it puts an end to the way we have been living. And I can't make plans with him about out future if he doesn't know the full truth.

 

I never imagined things would go as far they they have. I never planned for something like this. I was going to tell him the truth around the time my daughter was one but by then both already bonded and I couldn't break the up. My daughter is a lot closer with her dad then she has ever been with me. I never meet my father so I didn't want take her way from the person she believed was her father. At the time I was scared of him leaving and I didn't want to lose him either. I still don't I want that. I really love this man he and my daughter mean everything to me. But I know I have to give the chance to make his own decisions. Even if I don't like them.

 

Maybe, just maybe he may forgive you and want to stay married. There's a chance that when you explain everything in detail especially about the type of person your daughters real father is, he may not want that man anywhere near.

 

I wish you strength and courage to do this but please, do this in a safe setting, in a family counselors office.

[66Charger]

If I do tell my husband. I plan no telling him the complete truth, no more lying. I've already lied to him for to long and I don't want to continue lying to him.

 

I haven't cheated or anything like that since that night. I've really tried clean up my life, I like to think I have. I no longer do any kind of drugs and I only drink on special occasions and even then it's not more then 1-2 drinks. Also don't hang out with the same group of people anymore. I've only kept in contact with two girlfriends from that time.

 

The main reason this is coming up now is. My husband has started talking about wanting to retire from playing and settle down. At first I was happy but in a way it puts an end to the way we have been living. And I can't make plans with him about out future if he doesn't know the full truth.

 

I never imagined things would go as far they they have. I never planned for something like this. I was going to tell him the truth around the time my daughter was one but by then both already bonded and I couldn't break the up. My daughter is a lot closer with her dad then she has ever been with me. I never meet my father so I didn't want take her way from the person she believed was her father. At the time I was scared of him leaving and I didn't want to lose him either. I still don't I want that. I really love this man he and my daughter mean everything to me. But I know I have to give the chance to make his own decisions. Even if I don't like them.

 

This is the best of a bad situation. Almost everything you wrote is what you should say to your husband and be willing to back it up. Dont think he wont ask the question. Be prepared for it. Offer the poly. Your chances are a lot better if he believes this was a ONS, you love him as a man and not just as a father, and that you have been faithful since. You have no idea how important that is.

 

You have spent enough time preparing for divorce. Start preparing to fight to save your marriage. You are in for a tough ride, so ask yourself if it is truly worth it. If it is, and not just for your daughter, but for your heart, then start reading some books. You should also figure out right now If you want more children. He may really want that, IF HE STAYS.

 

Anything can be forgiven except a lie. Your child is not a lie. Their bond is not a lie. The lie is the lie . You are here for a reason. Its time. Do it right and dont give up.

[summerdowling87]

I don't think you should bring another innocent child into your situation.

[Marc878]

Be prepared for the fallout up front.

 

This is what he'll be dealing with.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Good luck

[Oberfeldwebel]

If you had asked the question when you first got pregnant, I would have given you a different response. Bad news never gets better with age, now you have a real problem, but I think you are perpetuating a selfish view. You want to confess now, the question is why now? The answer is you want to ease your feeling of guilt and shame. I usually believe that honesty is the best policy here, but think that in this rare circumstance that your punishment is to have to learn to live with the situation.

 

The OM is not your daughters father, he is a sperm donor. Her father is the man that changed her diapers, played with her, hugged her when he got home, kissed her goodnight, and wiped away her tears. To harm that relationship just to ease your guilt would seem selfish. You have been contrite, faithful and a good wife since your transgression. I do recommend that you seek counseling to learn to forgive yourself.

[SammySammy]

If you had asked the question when you first got pregnant, I would have given you a different response. Bad news never gets better with age, now you have a real problem, but I think you are perpetuating a selfish view. You want to confess now, the question is why now? The answer is you want to ease your feeling of guilt and shame. I usually believe that honesty is the best policy here, but think that in this rare circumstance that your punishment is to have to learn to live with the situation.

 

The OM is not your daughters father, he is a sperm donor. Her father is the man that changed her diapers, played with her, hugged her when he got home, kissed her goodnight, and wiped away her tears. To harm that relationship just to ease your guilt would seem selfish. You have been contrite, faithful and a good wife since your transgression. I do recommend that you seek counseling to learn to forgive yourself.

 

What happens when this child has a medical emergency (God forbid)?

 

What happens when she grows up and the model friends realize she looks more like the guy at the party than the husband? What happens when the rumors and gossip starts?

[Oberfeldwebel]

What happens when this child has a medical emergency (God forbid)?

 

Such as? Confessing does not automatically give you his medical history. The chances of you doing damage to your child is greater with confession then the chance of her needing a kidney transplant. And oh by the way, he may not be a match anyway. People use sperm banks everyday and have no knowledge of the donor, this is just another instance.

[SammySammy]

Such as? Confessing does not automatically give you his medical history. The chances of you doing damage to your child is greater with confession then the chance of her needing a kidney transplant. And oh by the way, he may not be a match anyway. People use sperm banks everyday and have no knowledge of the donor, this is just another instance.

 

No, I'm talking about the husband finding out he's not the father through a medical emergency. What does that do to the father and daughter when they both find out ... and they realize the mother knew all along?

 

Getting medical info from the biological father is a secondary issue.

 

You're suggesting that she continue to lie as if she can keep this secret. That might be okay if she could control all of the ways the truth could come out. I don't think she has full control over the truth.

 

So, what happens if the truth is revealed despite her trying to hide it?

[Oberfeldwebel]

So, what happens if the truth is revealed despite her trying to hide it?

 

So what happens if he finds out period? The fact is you don't know either. I know what I said and why. I have my opinions, you have yours, let's not hijack her thread. If you have advice for the OP, by all means state what you desire and why. This is not advice I would give to most, but in this case I think it best. I find your advice will do more damage than good, but that is just my opinion. You can like that or not, I don't much care.

[aliveagain]

Well I myself don't plan on leaving my husband but I have planed for him leaving me. I know if he learns the truth I don't see how he would want to continue to be married to me. So I have planned for that happening even though it isn't what I want.

 

Can anyone hiding such a secret be truly happy.

 

I never said I didn't want to have more children with my husband because I do. I don't want to bring another innocent child into the current situation. One is already one to many.

 

You've been planning for the worst since 2010, your husband has no clue and doesn't know how damaged your family is yet. He still thinks he has a faithful wife and is the biological father to a beautiful daughter. Can any one be happy hiding such a secret? Maybe if your a bottom feeder and a true sociopath, normal down to earth loving people would not. Your 36 about to be 37 if you don't sort this mess out immediately you are going to rob this man of his right to bear his own biological child(at least with you). Infidelity takes years to get over, infidelity with an affair child, well........ Just how old will you be by the time this sh*t storm is all sorted out? Will you be too old to safely have another child?

 

The other thing you need to think about is that all kinds of other people saw you with this other man at the party. They witnessed your drunken actions and maybe even saw you leave with him, you girlfriends must know? Things have a way of finding their way to the surface. A guy that will fu*k another mans wife will often brag about the conquest(you can not control their actions) specially if your husband has any kind of notoriety, say as an example if he's a hockey player. I think deep down you know you are out of time and you need to take action. My suggestion would be to get yourself the best counselling you can afford(someone with infidelity experience) and arrange to expose the information to your husband in their presence. My guess is that you and your husband are from the old world and old world values are different, this is probably why you are having such a big problem with this. I too am originally old world, I was born in Italy where families are held in greater regard. Maybe I am wrong on everything but somehow I don't think so.

Edited April 2, 2016 by aliveagain
Remove dates that were speculation

[66Charger]

So, what happens if the truth is revealed despite her trying to hide it?

 

Those that advocate lying forever, have no answer for this other than "oh well" or "deal with that when it comes". They are the musicians, playing medlies, while the Titanic sinks. This will be really bad if it blows up and the OP has lost control of the situation.

 

That which is good in you, inspired you to post and you must do what you feel is best, but you are not just damaging your husband, you will severely damage yourself. This is obviously tearing at your sense of right and wrong . I dont see you living with this much longer.

Edited April 2, 2016 by 66Charger