Cheated, had another mans child; [tell] my husband? [update 2016-06-16]

[66Charger]

This is the true Aftermath.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Katie,

 

In my last post I asked if you love him why aren't you preparing to fight for the marriage? I also said it seemed odd you have been preparing to divorce for years. That the concept sounded very mercenary, you did not seem to be at all.

 

Your post since than while still leaving me wondering why you seem unwilling to fight for your marriage, strengthens my belief you are not married for a lifestyle. Sometimes in life you need to fight for what you value abd fight to protect what your principles and what you hold dear. Your marriage is one of those things. At this point for you I urge you to ask for the how and not the goal.

 

You have seen some posters here that just want to stone them or burn them. These are real and honest expressions born of a raw emotional event. If you ask for the hole be prepared for a flood of them, but the mods are very quick to step in. View answering these posters as a pre-season period, an opportunity to fine turn your response going forward.

 

Consider if I don't fight for the marriage will I leave my husband like the broken full on haters like here? Yes, some stats say less then 15% of men will stay married in your case. But do the odds really matter. I have seen may threads in the wayward section where the WS is defiantly following their hearts. Why not a rare thread were a WS follows their heart to fight for their marriage.

 

It comes down to the courage to fight for your convictings.

 

Be well, be strong.

 

Sorry for the typos, I am on an old IPad and do not how to get to them and fix them.

Edited April 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[jasmineb]

This was just posted on reddit today. Its kind of ironic but here it is.

 

The man I [17M] thought my whole life was my biological father isn't. He left a few months ago and I miss him.Infidelity

submitted 53 minutes ago by wantoendthingsnow

My whole life is a lie.

I'm a lovechild between my mom and another guy.

After the paternal test ordeal my dad just bailed. I haven't had any kind of contact with him for a while now. Then my idiot biological dad decides to show his ass from nowhere and tries to sway me by saying how much he “loves” and “misses” me. He went for a hug, and I responded by punching him. Mom tried to restrain me, I shoved her away. Hard. But not hard enough to seriously hurt her, as much as I wish I had. After that I just ran. Ran to a friend I hope they're not familiar with, and his family was kind enough to let me stay for a while. Now I'm here.

The other guy was probably laughing his ass off at my dad for unknowingly raising a kid that wasn’t his. I hate my mom for what she did. But above all I hate myself for what I am. I wish my adoptive dad came back. I wish he WAS my biological dad.

tl;dr: Mom cheated, made me think I'm related to my dad. I found out and now hate everything.

 

 

This young man will probably spend the rest of his life with this pain. I hope for his sake he is able to find his father but who knows. Its the problem with playing with other people lives you never know how things will turn out. I know you want to wait but I would encouraging you to do it as soon as possible. I do agree to having a therapist or a counselor there but if you cant then maybe a family member would be good too.

 

Don't wait and let him learn this on his own. Clearly as the Young man stated in his post that is how his dad found out and you can also see his response.

 

C

 

The mother's affair was wrong and horrible and deceitful and immoral.

 

But ya know what REALLY disgusted me in this story? The so-called man who raised this boy - this INNOCENT boy - for SEVENTEEN years and bailed over lab results. Yeah yeah, it was a blow. But he BAILED on a 17 year old he raised.

 

Pathetic. I reserve all my sympathy for the son.

[HereNorThere]

I've actually lived through the betrayal you are about to inflict upon your child, so let me explain to you what is was like.

 

I was 21, drinking with a relative and they made a simple little comment. It was something so small, but I knew at the moment my life was about to change forever. Without giving away too many details, the night my whole life unraveled. It was literally like having my whole indentity stolen. No, not my credit cards identity, my whole Freudian "self" as they describe in psychology. In all honesty, I would have rather died that day, but what was in store for me was much worse than death. I'm proud to be a survivor, but I would honestly have been happy never being a victim in the first place.

 

So now I find out that my brother and sister aren't really my brother and sister. In fact, I don't just have 2 half brothers and sisters, I actually have 7. The heritage my grandmother told me about, all lies. Up until that point in my life, my entire existence had been one lie on top of another. My Dad, he adopted me was around a year old. My parents thought they were slick. My birth certificate has his name. When I questioned why they were married a year after I was born it was "we didn't want people to think we got married just because I was pregnant." Made sense at the time, but I was a kid. Honestly, I will never, ever, truly forgive myself for not figuring it out faster. My only excuse is that we moved away from the rest of my family when I was young and they lied to me. No one ever teaches you that your parents could make such a massively big mistake and steal your whole life. I proceded to drop out of school for the semester, a couple suicide attempts, the works. I literally just had to start over at square one and figure out who I am. It was the most traumatic thing I've ever had to endure and I'm sure it cut my life short by 10 to 20 years. I spent the next 5 years refusing to see anyone except my immeadiate family for a few hours once a year. To be honest, I had planned on not speaking with any of them again, but later found out that several people, including my adoptive grandmother tried her hardest to get my Mom to tell. When I asked my Uncle, he did not lie to me. However, some people did support it so I decided on 21 years which I considered gracious considering they weren't ever going to tell me, but eventually I forgave them as much as you possibly could. Till this day, I still honor the day I found out the truth by calling my Uncle and thanking him. He's still pretty wrecked with guilt for not telling me sooner, but at least he didn't lie when I confronted him. He risked his relationship with his entire family to tell me the truth and I have to respect that.

 

I'll give you credit OP, you at least have some realistic expectations about what's going to happen to your husband and his family. It will be like a death to him, but worse because with death you at least have closure. There will be no closure for him or his family, but maybe you can find medical professionals that can keep him from committing suicide or worse. Trust me, it's a real possibility and I would definitely be in the company of real doctors with sedatives as well as protection for yourself. Maybe even an inpatient facility he can be voluntarily checked into if he needs it. I would also remove any weapons or things he can hurt himself or someone with before you meet with him, the doctors and his family (all at once.) It truly doesn't get much worse than this.

 

30 to 50 years ago you probably could have pulled this off, but with current technology and your daughters age, it's almost certain that she will have some sort of genetic testing her life. In fact, several people have recently discovered by accident through ancestry.com DNA testing or the 23 and Me test. I think one of the 23 and Me stories involves one of the family members actually buying the test as a cool gift and through their social apps that finds your relatives, he finds a brother in the same town. It wasn't long before he figured out the paternity fraud. All from a dumb, cheap Internet test. And these are elective test for fun, not true medical testing. Then you add all the genetic testing for cancers and medical conditions and well, your goose is cooked. I can only imagine the advanced genomic testing that will be available when she is our age, but I think it will get to point that your DNA will become your password. Just like how our thumbprints are used to unlock our iPhone (Touch ID) now, your DNA is something that's unique to you and cannot be changed or faked (barring identical twins). It's the ultimate passport/key/password/whatever and we're almost to a point where we can sequence your entire genome in a day, so it's not implausible that we would be able to do it in real time by the time she's an adult. To put that in perceptive, the first sequenced human genome started in 1990 and was completed in 2003 at a cost of an estimated 3 billion dollars. Now we can do it in 26 hours for 6,500 USD. By the time your daughter is here age, she'll just be able to ask Siri to do it for her instantaneous and free. To be honest, the genetic marker tests are almost to that point now and that's all it really takes.

 

I wish I knew how to save your husband and his family, but honestly, that's just not really a possibility. This is just about as bad as it gets as far betrayals go. Definitely on par with murder, rape, etc and from the tone of the post it seems like you get that somewhat. Since you can't save them, you can try to mitigate the damage. My advice is to treat it like a medical care emergency and make sure you have doctors as well his family there. It's not uncommon for parents to need to be sedated immeadiately after the death of a child. I wouldn't treat this any different than a death (except it's probably worse.) You can also make sure he has a family member willing to take him in and keep an eye on him until he's in intensive therapy and made peace, said his goodbyes to the child and whatever else he needs to do.

 

However, you can still save your child. I asked my parents (who were good, loving parents, btw. No complaints about them and my Dad is the best guy in the world) how they could withhold this information, but of course it was just the cheaters chorus of excuses. We were going to tell you at this age, then this age, then after you got married, after you had a child, we did it to protect you, blah, blah, blah. At some point I realized that they will never truly understand what they did to me because no person could live with themselves if they did. Their drive for self preservation kicks in and protects their ego. Ever notice how everyone in prison is religious? Same thing really.

 

On the bright side, after I found out and got myself together - I was free for the first time in my life. These people almost destroyed me so I considered us "even" for my upbringing. I no longer had to live up their standards or even listen to a word they said. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't worth it, but it's like surviving a traumatic event and living to tell about it - so far. I do enjoy the personality I've developed because of it. I live a life of science constantly seeking the truth and it's very rewarding. Under no circumstances would I choose a life of not knowing the truth about who I am. As Carl Sagan so famously quoted "It is far better to see the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

 

Whenever someone here or on the street makes a comment about how they will "never get over an infidelity or divorce" I always try to remind them that people make it through much, much worse. For your husband, this will be as bad as its gets. I've experienced the deaths of people close to me and honestly, the betrayal and losing your family, child, identity is much, much worse. You can't save him, but you can still save your child. Of course 6 isn't old enough to tell her what you did, but it won't be long until she's old enough to understand the basics. Also, have you thought about that fact that you are withholding money from her that is legally hers? The child support you let this man get away not paying was NOT YOURS. She is owed that money and you don't just get to play God and make up reality. That's her money that she owed by her father. It's not really any of your business.

 

Good luck. Start apartment shopping, looking for doctors, think about how you are going to break the news to her biological family as well. Talk to an attorney and start getting her child support in order. It could make a really great college fund for her later in life. Maybe think about a way you can repay your husband for the money he was defrauded raising this other man's child and make sure everyone involved stays in therapy. Save your child because that window is closing fast. Don't be like my parents and destroy your kid because you were selfish.

 

P.S. - On the off chance that he wants to stay being a "father" your child, you need to speak to an attorney ASAP. If you leverage the back and future child support payments, bio dad may sign over his rights and allow your husband to adopt. No matter what the birth certificate says, if bio pop can prove paternity, you may end up sharing your child with a strangers family or if you pass away, the child may be forced to live with them. You are one cheap 23 and Me Christmas gift away from losing 50% custody of your child and forcing them to live with a strange family. It's still waaaaaay better than lying to them about their entire life and completely changing them forever, but it's still not that great. Remember, he has a legal right to that child no matter what paperwork you falsified.

 

Godspeed

Edited April 7, 2016 by HereNorThere

[aliveagain]

Your husband will have to explain to other family members, perhaps family in Europe that his daughter isn't his biological daughter. I still have a 97 year old aunt, my deceased fathers last living sibling that doesn't know that my son isn't mine. I named my son after my father, she still thinks that the family name will be carried on by him. I had to explain it to my mother just two months before she passed away, I can't even tell you how much that fact still angers me today because we are all innocent and they were just as blindsided as me.

 

People that I meet at functions that had worked with me years ago still ask me out of kindness as to how my son and two daughters are, I just don't have it in me to go into a long explanation so I just say fine. The humiliation of having to explain it is just as strong today as back then and I can tell that they are just as embarrassed with the truth because they had no idea and are just being caring. I still feel guilty for not giving back the baby gifts everyone gave us for his baby shower. Everyone in both your lives that care about you will be affected. This is why I have suggested you get the help of a professional to help you do this, someone with experience in infidelity.

[Honourably honest]

[] To destroy a child, as per their plan, is as bad as it gets. If the father wants nothing to do with the innocent child then that is down to the mother. If you were going to tell, then it had to be straight away or in the early days. The bond is there, who gives you the right to destroy it for your own selfish reasons?

Edited April 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted civility and respect violation ~6

[HereNorThere]

I understand where most of you guys are coming from. But I feel my daughter is way to young for me to tell her any of this. I'm not even sure if I want to. I probably will have to at some point but not right now. She still so young for her to have to deal with any of this. Anything I do regarding this I want my husband to have a say in it whatever we decide to do. First thing I will do his tell him and then we can talk about what will happen with our daughter.

 

The night I found out my parents did what you are considering doing to your daughter, in the heat of the argument my Mom said "So when exactly were we supposed to tell you?" and my response was very simple. "It's not something you should have ever had to tell me; it's something I should have always known."

 

And that's really the only way you'll get out of this without severely damaging her. If she grows up with the knowledge, it will never be shocking. If you deceive or mislead her and then drop a bomb on her later in life (or worse, Siri tells her) you not only take away her identity, but also her ability to trust. Your mother is that one person who is always supposed to have your back, so when she betrays you, the trust thing is just over in your life. At least for me, I lost the capacity to truly trust anyone or anything. I just kinda switched over to idea of "well, I can't be lied to as long as I don't believe you in the first place." It's a cynical, sad, cruel way to view the world and I would hate to see her end up in the same place. You still have a chance to save her, but it will mean sacrificing your ego. Something up until this point you have been unwilling to do.

[elaine567]

I understand where most of you guys are coming from. But I feel my daughter is way to young for me to tell her any of this. I'm not even sure if I want to. I probably will have to at some point but not right now. She still so young for her to have to deal with any of this. Anything I do regarding this I want my husband to have a say in it whatever we decide to do. First thing I will do his tell him and then we can talk about what will happen with our daughter.

 

Ok but some men will turn on their heel and refuse to have anything to do with another man's child, especially the product of a cheating event. Anger upset, pride and feelings of humiliation get in the way, despite previous "bonding", despite everything.

In the real life example posted by Clay, the non-biological father bailed and the "son" no longer sees his "father" despite 17 years of "bonding", I doubt it is an uncommon scenario.

"MY boy", was no longer true and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Men in serious relationships, usually take father hood very seriously and DNA is important to them, passing on their genes is important. They also do not want to be seen as the "mug" paying for and bringing up their wife's child with another man. Step families, melded families fine, everyone is aware of what they are taking on, surprises with shock DNA results do not go down so well.

 

Your husband's "say" may be no more than "Goodbye", and your daughter is going to have to cope with him leaving and never seeing him again, isn't she? He is blind-sided here, it will be very tough for him to get over the years of deceit and the loss of HIS daughter. The close "bond" that you have allowed to develop between father and "daughter", I guess may not be enough to get you through this. You say you have planned for him leaving when he finds out/is told, so why did you let him get so close to your daughter?

 

It is going to be a hard for your daughter too, as many children blame themselves for their parents divorcing and here we have the situation where she may indeed be the "problem", so will blame herself.

A problem not of her own making, but "a problem" all the same.

 

Let's hope he does stay in your daughter's life, but even if he does, he and she are going to need a lot of support, if she is to have any chance of a normal life.

[road]

The mother's affair was wrong and horrible and deceitful and immoral.

 

But ya know what REALLY disgusted me in this story? The so-called man who raised this boy - this INNOCENT boy - for SEVENTEEN years and bailed over lab results. Yeah yeah, it was a blow. But he BAILED on a 17 year old he raised.

 

Pathetic. I reserve all my sympathy for the son.

 

 

Sad he bailed on the OM's son after 17 years.

 

 

Though what is sadder is that this BH was forced to live his lie based on a lie for 17 years.

 

 

17 years that the WW nor the OM will every be able to give the BH back.

 

 

And, if the BH never have his own bio kids it is most likely to late for him to have any in his life now. Do you comprehend that fact he may never pass his DNA on now.

 

 

The OC was not the only victim here.

 

 

There are many men that can not accept and get over their WW having an affair let alone fraternity fraud. Fall we know is that this BH presented with the truth he may of divorced his WW before the OC was born.

 

 

All blame is to be only placed on the fraud perpetrators, WW, OM.

 

 

Whatever the OC and BH do is based on the deceit by the WW and the OM.

[TX-SC]

My daughters are 12 and 14. If I found out one of them was not biologically mine I would still treat them as my daughters and be there for them. I don't think I would stay married after such a deceipt on my wife's part though.

[SammySammy]

My daughters are 12 and 14. If I found out one of them was not biologically mine I would still treat them as my daughters and be there for them. I don't think I would stay married after such a deceipt on my wife's part though.

 

That's so easy to say.

 

My daughter looks like a female version of me. There is no doubt she's my daughter. It's so easy for me to say I'd stay for her.

 

However, I have a hard time imagining what I would do in this situation.

 

And I don't think anybody can judge a man for whatever decision he makes. Whether he walks away from it all, only has a relationship with the child, or stays to try to work it out with the wife.

 

Who are we to say our way - or what we think we would do - is better?

[GorillaTheater]

 

And I don't think anybody can judge a man for whatever decision he makes. Whether he walks away from it all, only has a relationship with the child, or stays to try to work it out with the wife.

 

Who are we to say our way - or what we think we would do - is better?

 

 

Midnight, I usually find myself agreeing with your posts far more often than not, but not this time. Although I can't imagine the pain a man in such a position would go through (which is perhaps at least part of your point), walking away from a child who he's built a relationship with, who considers that man to be dad (or even worse, daddy), seems like at least an equally unbearable cruelty.

[SammySammy]

Midnight, I usually find myself agreeing with your posts far more often than not, but not this time. Although I can't imagine the pain a man in such a position would go through (which is perhaps at least part of your point), walking away from a child who he's built a relationship with, who considers that man to be dad (or even worse, daddy), seems like at least an equally unbearable cruelty.

 

Leaving the child will make a difficult situation even more difficult. That's absolutely true.

 

I'm a father. A father of a daughter. I see your point.

 

I'm just saying I wouldn't stand in judgment of a guy that may make a decision different from what we may make.

 

This guy has been saddled with a responsibility that isn't rightfully his. He wasn't given a choice in the matter. If he decides to walk away from it all - while I agree it'll be tough for the child - I don't feel I have the right to judge him.

 

He has a tough and painful decision to make no matter what he decides.

[aliveagain]

I can tell you as a man that did walk away why I did.

 

.The child was innocent and just about one year old at the time, he would forget me easier at that age.

 

.My ex had a two year affair with the child's father and she knew that infidelity was a deal breaker for me because of my past infidelity experiences( being cheated on).

 

.The other man knew the child was his even before the DNA test, she would drive to see him with the nanny so he could hold their baby. She took him to Court for child support after the DNA testing. I didn't want him in my life for the rest of life, I didn't need a reminder of what they both did to me.

 

.After her suicide attempt the Courts took him and her other two children(that I supported as my own) away from her. Her other two boys were placed with her ex, which I believe he now has permanently, her affair child was placed with her mom until she could prove she was stable enough, drug and alcohol free(she had unannounced spot tests) to care for him properly. The O/M got her into drugs, I didn't have a clue on that one ether.

 

.She still try's to contact me through others but no one is allowed to give her my contact information, I am unlisted to this day because of her. I just don't want anything to do with her, her family or her friends. Most of them knew about her infidelity but didn't tell me. Thank goodness one friend was kind enough to tell me, that is how I found out.

 

She never confessed, how can you ever trust someone that entitled, selfish, you just can't. Perhaps your husband will see things differently. That is why it is important you confess it to him before he discovers it. Offer him a polygraph test to confirm that it was a drunken one night stand and that you have been faithful to him since. Have an expert that deals with infidelity there to help you hold it together. That's your best shot at surviving this as a family and having your own children together. If it all falls apart it's not because of you telling him the truth but because you didn't 6 years ago. All you have done is prolonged what already happened and should have happened the next morning. You lose people not because of a bad choice but because you lied to cover it up. This is why you have to prove to him that you are now safe and show him your plan for gaining his trust back and what you will do to protect him. Honesty is your only hope.

Edited April 7, 2016 by aliveagain

[Clay]

Alive I am so sorry you went though that.

 

I spent 15 years wondering if my younger two children were mine. All four of my children are special needs children so financially it wasn't a option early on. Once I won custody of my younger two children I wanted to have them tested but fear won over. I did not want to loose my kids. I did not want to face it if they were not mine. Thankfully they are mine but all those years of wondering really took a toll on me.

 

C

[TX-SC]

That's so easy to say.

 

My daughter looks like a female version of me. There is no doubt she's my daughter. It's so easy for me to say I'd stay for her.

 

However, I have a hard time imagining what I would do in this situation.

 

And I don't think anybody can judge a man for whatever decision he makes. Whether he walks away from it all, only has a relationship with the child, or stays to try to work it out with the wife.

 

Who are we to say our way - or what we think we would do - is better?

 

I agree that it is impossible to say for sure until faced with it personally, but given how much I love my daughters, I don't think I could abandon them. They are "daddy's girls" 100 percent. I would be torn up to lose them.

[Jersey born raised]

Sightly of topic but what do you think, if any, are the odds of a man accepting a daughter or a son in this situation? I learn towards more readily to accept a daughter.

[HereNorThere]

Sightly of topic but what do you think, if any, are the odds of a man accepting a daughter or a son in this situation? I learn towards more readily to accept a daughter.

 

I don't think you'll find many man who will admit it, but I do think that most men would no longer accept the child in the same way. For most, the child becomes a bitter reminder of the betrayal. Also, being a cuckold is one of the humiliating things a man can endure. It's just a very primal, primitive left over chimpanzee thing left over in a males brain. Also, her husband is young enough that he still has a chance at having a successful biological family after this is all over. That's why it's important she discloses this as soon possible. At least he will still have a shot at having normal life and living happily ever after.

 

The odd flip side to that is that the majority of men I know can love and accept another man's child as long as they weren't tricked into it. There's some nobility to sacrificing yourself for an innocent child.

 

This is one thing where there is definitely a gender double standard. That somehow a male should accept a child that is not his biological offspring. Sorry, but I rarely see a woman accept and raise her husband's affair partner's child as her own. There are plenty of OW who have children by their MM and BS will barely allow them to pay child support. I'm sure that's not always the case, but I've certainly seen more men accept children that aren't theirs (conceived through deception by their partner) than I ever have a woman. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever seen it happen.

Edited April 7, 2016 by HereNorThere

[elaine567]

This is one thing where there is definitely a gender double standard. That somehow a male should accept a child that is not his biological offspring. Sorry, but I rarely see a woman accept and raise her husband's affair partner's child as her own. There are plenty of OW who have children by their MM and BS will barely allow them to pay child support. I'm sure that's not always the case, but I've certainly seen more men accept children that aren't theirs (conceived through deception by their partner) than I ever have a woman. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever seen it happen.

 

Is that not due in the main to the OW not giving up her rights to the child as opposed to BWs not accepting the child. The OW would need to either give up her child, be ill or incapacitated in some way or dead, for the child to pass to the MM's family. If the OW did give up her child due to unfortunate circumstances or death, the child would be more likely to end up in the OWs family being cared for by relatives, than with the MM's family.

 

MM tend not to just show up with an affair child one day, and pass it to the wife to look after, but no doubt it has happened.

If it did occur then I guess the BW would have as much difficulty accepting the child as a BH would.

[jasmineb]

I am sorry, but calling a true man who continues to raise the child he has always known a cuckhold is behind ridiculous. People need to look up the real definition of cuckhold. It's a sexual fetish. Besides this whole rustication of DNA is a slap in the face to adopted children.

 

OP, I think waiting until the summer is a bad idea. Does your husband really travel that much? Has he always spent so much time away from his family?

[Bufo]

It is possible that the husband will not want to know the paternity of the child he has helped raise. Whether he does or not isn't it possible that it should be his choice? Tell/don't tell are the opposite ends of a spectrum here. In the middle is a choice to confess the infidelity to him but let him determine whether paternity testing is what he wants or if he even raises the issue.

 

If he does question paternity then truth should be told. But if he doesn't then he may simply not want to know and to choose to live his life with the child.

 

Not answering a question he doesn't ask is not equivalent to lying. While confessing may be in OPs interest the confession will have great and long lasting effects on BH.

 

Of course this middle ground will not relieve you of guilt should he choose to ignore the obvious implications of your long ago ONS. Paternity would remain a secret.

 

Once your child is told however the true facts will not remain hidden from your husband for long. I have no comment on whether or how or when to tell the child the facts if her conception. She may be the one who cannot accept this revelation and flee from you. I lack access to a crystal ball.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Bufo

[Mr. Lucky]

I really haven't decided when I'm going to tell him. But definitely before the summer. Telling him now isn't ideal since he is still traveling right now.

 

As for my plans. I'm pretty mush going to give him a clean break. He's gets to keep everything he has made during our marriage and the things he has brought during our marriage. The only thing we would have to discuss would be the family home. But besides asking him to continue to be the father figure. I'm not going ask for anything. I would offer him a simple and clean out way out if he wants.

 

You've already done him the double disservice of infidelity and deception. Don't add to it by making plans without his input and presupposing his reaction. If you're already mentally dividing the CD collection, he needs to know ASAP...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Sightly of topic but what do you think, if any, are the odds of a man accepting a daughter or a son in this situation? I learn towards more readily to accept a daughter.

 

 

I do not think so. This comes from reading infidelity posts for a long time. I have seen BH's accept an OC or divorce their WW and go NC with the OC.

 

 

Never at anytime did I read a story where the OC being a son or daughter come into the decision making process to accept or disown the OC.

[road]

I don't think you'll find many man who will admit it, but I do think that most men would no longer accept the child in the same way. For most, the child becomes a bitter reminder of the betrayal. Also, being a cuckold is one of the humiliating things a man can endure. It's just a very primal, primitive left over chimpanzee thing left over in a males brain. Also, her husband is young enough that he still has a chance at having a successful biological family after this is all over. That's why it's important she discloses this as soon possible. At least he will still have a shot at having normal life and living happily ever after.

 

The odd flip side to that is that the majority of men I know can love and accept another man's child as long as they weren't tricked into it. There's some nobility to sacrificing yourself for an innocent child.

 

This is one thing where there is definitely a gender double standard. That somehow a male should accept a child that is not his biological offspring. Sorry, but I rarely see a woman accept and raise her husband's affair partner's child as her own. There are plenty of OW who have children by their MM and BS will barely allow them to pay child support. I'm sure that's not always the case, but I've certainly seen more men accept children that aren't theirs (conceived through deception by their partner) than I ever have a woman. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever seen it happen.

 

 

This is because if the BH wants to recover his marriage he has to accept the OC unless his WW will give up the baby for adoption.

 

 

Now the BW has no physical connection to the OC from her WH. She views the OC as the OW's child and that other woman's problem.

 

 

So you see to the BW all that recovery needs is NC from the OW and the OC and she is good to good.

 

 

As to the BW not wanting the OW to get child support is again simple. She did not have an affair. Her receiving financial hardship due to the OW being paid CS from the family financial income is just another form of the affair continuing and thus continuing to punish the BW.

[road]

I am sorry, but calling a true man who continues to raise the child he has always known a cuckhold is behind ridiculous. People need to look up the real definition of cuckhold. It's a sexual fetish. Besides this whole rustication of DNA is a slap in the face to adopted children.

 

OP, I think waiting until the summer is a bad idea. Does your husband really travel that much? Has he always spent so much time away from his family?

 

 

There are people that like to watch others have sex, voyeurism.

 

 

Actually voyeurism fetish has co-opted the cuckold name to a subset of the voyeurism fetish.

 

 

In that voyeurism group there are is a subset. It is married men that like to watch their wives have sex with others.

 

 

Cuckold is a term where the wife cheated on the husband and then got pregnant by the other man. Being the husband did not know that another man knocked up his wife he got tricked into raising the OC as his own.

 

 

The man being named a cuckold came from the cuckold bird that would lay it's eggs in another birds nest. Leaving that bird to hatch the cuckolds eggs and raise them till they leave the nest.