Mr. Lucky Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 (edited) This is one thing where there is definitely a gender double standard. That somehow a male should accept a child that is not his biological offspring. Sorry, but I rarely see a woman accept and raise her husband's affair partner's child as her own. There are plenty of OW who have children by their MM and BS will barely allow them to pay child support. I'm sure that's not always the case, but I've certainly seen more men accept children that aren't theirs (conceived through deception by their partner) than I ever have a woman. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever seen it happen. They are normally different sets of circumstances. Gender enters the equation Day 1 as, barring an unfit determination, the child stays with the mother, in this case the OP. Were the AP female, she'd have the child from birth and the BW would have only a passing connection. This is a unique situation that stands to cost the BH parental rights to a child he thought was his and has raised from birth. Tragic... Mr. Lucky Edited April 8, 2016 by Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 I am sorry, but calling a true man who continues to raise the child he has always known a cuckhold is behind ridiculous. People need to look up the real definition of cuckhold. It's a sexual fetish. Besides this whole rustication of DNA is a slap in the face to adopted children. OP, I think waiting until the summer is a bad idea. Does your husband really travel that much? Has he always spent so much time away from his family? So I guess Road already explained the origins of the word cuckold, so I don't need to go into that, but I'm a little surprised that you would suggest that we look up the "real definition" when you obviously didn't? Just curious, why is that? I mean, you are obviously already on the Internet, so I assume it wouldn't have been a big deal to open a new tab and fact check yourself before you posted? Maybe I'm overthinking it. And while were are clearing up this misunderstanding, there's nothing about the term cuckold that would be offensive to adopted children. I'm an adopted child, but my biological parent didn't trick anyone into raising me. In fact, I'm not sure how cuckolds and adoptions have anything to do with each other. If you are adopting a child, that means you obviously know the child isn't yours. I think any parent that adopted a child would by definition be the opposite of a cuckold. Maybe this was just related to your misunderstanding of the word? And yes, I do understand there is a sexual fetish named cuckolding, but even then, the fetish itself is about humiliation. I don't see how didn't make the connection with cuckolding being a humiliating thing. It's so humiliating that people who like to be humiliated actually role play as cuckolds. How much more humiliating could you really get? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 Kate, Both your husband and the child's father deserve to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 I've been really thinking about this. I think my daughter could wrap her head around the fact that she grew in mummy. She's raised by mummy & daddy & uncle other bloke if he ever steps up can be the man who helped mummy (& daddy) make you for us. Compounding more deceit isn't a good idea. How did this guy help daddy by making a baby with mommy? Is "helped" the right word? Is it even in the right neighborhood? It's hard for me to imagine someone with clarity concocting this explanation. it's off the wall. It's a terrible idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 I am sorry, but calling a true man who continues to raise the child he has always known a cuckhold is behind ridiculous. People need to look up the real definition of cuckhold. It's a sexual fetish.lly travel that much? Has he always spent so much time away from his family? It is a sexual fetish, but all it literally means is a man with an unfaithful wife. It's not limited to the fetish, as you seem to think it is. A man who raises a child that was created by his wife and another man in an adulterous relationship is, in fact, a cuckold. I don't think there's anything noble about raising a child that isn't yours in this context. I think that's a majority opinion, and in any event a perfectly moral position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jasmineb Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 There are people that like to watch others have sex, voyeurism. Actually voyeurism fetish has co-opted the cuckold name to a subset of the voyeurism fetish. In that voyeurism group there are is a subset. It is married men that like to watch their wives have sex with others. Cuckold is a term where the wife cheated on the husband and then got pregnant by the other man. Being the husband did not know that another man knocked up his wife he got tricked into raising the OC as his own. The man being named a cuckold came from the cuckold bird that would lay it's eggs in another birds nest. Leaving that bird to hatch the cuckolds eggs and raise them till they leave the nest. As I assume that the married couple here are human and not birds or foul, I stand by my statement. A true Cuckhold by human sexual standards CHOOSES to allow his wife to be with another man, etc. Continuing to be a father to a 6 year old who loves him isa not being a cuckold; it's being a man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 Kate, Both your husband and the child's father deserve to know. Why should the child's father (the OM) deserve to know? So he can add another notch to his bedpost? Yes, in principle you are right, but the psychology of it is all wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Why should the child's father (the OM) deserve to know? So he can add another notch to his bedpost? Yes, in principle you are right, but the psychology of it is all wrong. If a man has a child, he should know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 1. The OP's husband needs to know the truth about the paternity of the daughter he's been raising all of these years. Anything less than complete transparency is continuing the betrayal. 2. I hope he doesn't abandon the child since she is innocent in this just like him, but if he does it wouldn't erase my sympathy for him and the trauma he's been put through anymore than it would if a rape victim aborted her rapist's child who is also innocent. One doesn't automatically cancel out the other IMO. 3. The BH(being the primary victim here) should have the most say in how they go about revealing this to the child and when. 4. Piss on the OM's "rights" to know the child, he didn't spend the last six years nurturing her and providing for her, all he did was dump a load in some guy's wife at a party six years ago. If he was interested in being a father he would have made a phone call or sent an email by this point. 5. As for the debate over the term "cuckold". You're all right, it's true that it's gained notoriety in modern times for it's usage to describe a fetish and also as a general insult commonly used on certain message boards and to describe a political class i.e. "cuckservatives" it's also a description for a husband who is unknowingly raising another man's biological offspring and in a more general sense to describe any husband who's wife has cheated on him. 6. Fooling a man into raising another's offspring is one of the most vile things a woman could ever do. As another poster who has experience in this matter pointed out, this will have far reaching consequences in a lot of people's lives. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. This is just something that you should instinctively know not to do to another human being. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 The husband's rights need to be respected first, it is he that needs to decide the other man's rights. After all she didn't even know the other mans name until the morning after she was pregnant, this is so sad and needless. Is the poster still here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EMT girl Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 I was wondering the same thing. Has she come back? Has she told him? She's really painted herself into a corner, but I believe her husband will not abandon his 6 year old daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 I know you haven't told him yet but sooner or later it will come out. It always does. Look, do you remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger's scandal came out? When it turned out he fathered his nanny's child? The kid looked like him. Put it this way, Arnold, the mother and the supposed father of the kid weren't as dumb as they pretended to be. Even if it was just something in the back of their mind that said "what if" it was there. The same goes with your case. The real father of the child, let's not pretend he himself is terrible at math. You can find the worst person at math and let me tell you, they will very quickly figure out how to add and subtract 9 months. Anyone can do this. Your husband might wonder as well. Look, not all of my kids look exactly like me. My son does to a tee and my daughter sort of does but she looks like her mother mostly. However, she still looks like her brother. Bottom line, they are my kids and to look at them you know it. My guess is your husband isn't dumb enough to not have done the math as well. There has to have been some doubt in his mind I would think. So don't be surprised if more people know than you think. Either way, you have to tell the guy because when your daughter is 25 it will only be worse. I knew a guy who had this happen. He was raising what he thought was daughter only to find out a year and a half later it wasn't. He pushed his girlfriend out the door - literally. Got in a bit of trouble for that, had to do anger management courses for that but believe me there is hardly a guy that can't understand his pain. He took off and never looked back and has nothing to do with the kid because..................well, it isn't his. It is a sad case but at the end of the day he at least found out the truth. Your husband deserves that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Justin Welby: DNA test reveals my secret father was Sir Winston Churchill's private secretary - It even happens to Archbishops. He was considered to be a "honeymoon" baby, only he wasn't... Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Justin Welby: DNA test reveals my secret father was Sir Winston Churchill's private secretary - It even happens to Archbishops. He was considered to be a "honeymoon" baby, only he wasn't... OMG.... That is so sad. There is a chance he will loose his status over this as well. Just one more way people suffer over these kinds of things. C Link to post Share on other sites
Arthur_Fonzarelli Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 i think most agree that you should hold off on telling your daughter, but i really do think you should eventually tell your husband... sooner rather than later. i think someone already touched on it, but imagine- heaven forbid -your daughter needed some medical attention... imagine if it came out then. you never know when you'd be confronted with such a dilemma. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 I still believe it's for the best if your daughter grows-up knowing this information. In my experience it's far better to 'always know' rather than have a big disclosure once she's old enough to remember the event for the rest of her life. People I've known who were adopted or had a different biological father have been really disturbed by living through the 'big reveal conversation' at an older age. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Hey Kate84, Just seeing if you were able to work things out. Hope things are going ok.. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 IMHO, nothing good will come out of your saying anything. If you love your husband and your marriage, then eat you dang guilty conscious and move on. Short of some potential genetic issues that your current child may have, nothing will be gained from the knowledge. Your husband deserving the truth has nothing to do with it. Watch some of the posts here... a few people would love to read about you blowing up your marriage..and that is exactly what will happen if you tell him....unless...that is what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 I don't think i have a chance in saving my marriage maybe I have a more negative view on the whole situation because I can't see how or why my husband would even think about staying with. Maybe if it was only the cheating then yeah I'm more then we could move pass that. It's everything else that's the real issue. How will he be able to look me at after I tell him. At this point I don't have the right to ask him to forgive me. I know if I was in his place I wouldn't be able to get pass something like this. If it was only the cheating then yes but not through all the lies I've told him I feel like it just to much. I do want us to be together. We could continue to build our lives together. Maybe have 2-3 more kids. Grow old and enjoy life together. I can't imagine spending the rest of life with anyone else but him. He really understands me the way no else can. He's everything I want and more. And to top it all off he's an amazing father. He's really one of a kind . I would love it if we could stay together. That would amazing and everything I really want don't think it's As for my plans. I'm pretty mush going to give him a clean break. He's gets to keep everything he has made during our marriage and the things he has brought during our marriage. The only thing we would have to discuss would be the family home. But besides asking him to continue to be the father figure. I'm not going ask for anything. I would offer him a simple and clean out way out if he wants. Don't do this. Plan to fight for your marriage. Your husband will want you to do that. If you don't fight, he'll assume that you told him the truth just to get him to divorce you. You don't want that, do you. Yes, in the end you may divorce, but if you act as if you don't want to be married to him, he'll not stay. Also, when he asks you why you decided to tell him NOW, tell him the truth. Tell him that you do want to have more children with him and felt you couldn't with this secret hanging over your family. You must let him know that you want his babies. Don't let him think that you don't. No matter how it works out with your husband, you will have to discuss with him what to tell your daughter. This is going to take time to work out. Weeks if not months will pass while you work it out or fail to work it out. It will be hard. But let me offer you a bit of hope. Many men in your husband's situation, will decide not to divorce. They will want things to get back to "normal" as soon as possible. That's impossible, of course, but it is something to work on. Best wishes and good luck to you, your daughter, and your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Thread reopened by request Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 I still don’t know what to do. I know my husband have a right to know that the 6 year old girl he was been rising all of her life is not actually his biological child. He does everything for her, he was there so her birth, takes her to school, spends so much time with her, is basically a perfect father. And I don’t want my daughter to lose that. I don’t think she should have to suffer because of me. But I can’t keep pretending anymore. I really want my husband to be happy and for him to have the family he has always wanted. But I know he wouldn’t want that with me if he knew the kind of monster he married. I know I am a bad person for doing this to him and my daughter. But I don’t know how to tell him. Should I even till him and try my best to make him happy. I mean he hasn’t found out yet so maybe he might never find out. And I think right now he Is truly happy and loves our daughter. And I know people won't believe me but I really do love him. I wish I could be person, wife and mother he thinks I am. There is a third party involved by this point, and the childhood OF that 3rd party depends almost entirely upon your NOT fessing-up to your husband about what is in the past. Once you fess-up, the husband will first begin to treat YOU differently, and eventually he will split-up with you, and will effectively take it out on your child in the process. The alternative is to live with your own guilt and never (ruin your daughter's childhood) for the good of everyone involved. (and do NOT start operating your own life in any way which would cause the husband to become suspicious of you enough to ask for a paternity test) That is to say: make-up for your wrong-doing by putting your daughter and your husband first from now on. If that doesn't convince you of the ONLY way to progress here... then consider that You can always tell him, but you can never un-tell him!!! Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 So, you are still around. Really hope things are well with you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate84 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 I know I haven't posted in awhile, nothing has happened yet so that's partly why I haven't posted an update. I still haven't told my husband yet but I plan on doing it this Week maybe this Friday. He's only been living with us full time for a little over a two weeks now he really hasn't been around for me to tell him something like this. I have set up marriage counseling for the both of us. We had our first session last Thursday. Next one is this Friday. He's still a little hesitant on going, he doesn't believe we need it. He doesn't know the full reason why we're going yet. So far I like our counselor he seems to really know what's he's doing. He's also helping me find a counselor for my daughter. The only thing we haven't agreed on is how to tell my husband. He thinks it would be better the tell him on my own without anyone else being involved. I thought it would be best to my husband with him the counselor being involved. Many of you guys also thought that was the right away to go about. So I still have to figure that out. Thanks for checking it really does mean a lot. I promise to keep you guys updated 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 I suggest that you do it at your counsellors office, just ask him to step out of the room when you tell your husband. He can be there to help you deal with the aftermath. Just a suggestion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 I think the C knows what he's doing regarding telling your BH. Here's why I think that. BH doesn't really understand why counseling is suddenly a priority for you and him. Then comes the reveal during a session. BH will see counseling as nothing but a protective shield for you. And, during the reveal he'll have a million thoughts running through his head. But one of those thoughts will be that he has suffered the worst degradation and humiliation that a man can face and was tricked into the semi public humiliation of learning this with a third party present. He will immediately want to end that session and counseling with you generally. And he will likely break out in tears, adding to his humiliation since he is crying in the presence of a third party. More humiliating than you being forced to walk down Main Stret in you home town naked except for the scarlet A you had been forced to wear. Image if, for instance, you had to do the reveal in the presence of your mother,,sisters and best girl friends. Think you'd be humiliated due to the audience? What he is facing without a clue is even worse. You have had years to come to grips with the fact the girl isn't your H's. He has had no time at all. Your BH is going to learn that he has been a cuckold in the traditional sense since before the child was born. There is no greater devastation than that. That's why the suggestion of telling him in private sounds best. Can you have someone keep the child that day/evening? His reaction could get loud and ugly. Don't put up with physical abuse, but don't expect zen like acceptance when he learns you are a cheater and a chronic liar, and that the child he loves isn't his. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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