Cheated, had another mans child; [tell] my husband? [update 2016-06-16]

[Lirica]

What good would it bring? really? You are going to hurt your daughter and husband. Some secrets are better off standing where they are. I know about decency and so on... yeah right! Hell is on earth for you (us), so sorry. But that is the price ones need to pay when we messed up.

[drifter777]

This "congratulations" about telling him due to his immediate response is totally results-oriented. He already knew about your cheating and likely suspected he is not the father of the child. Because of this your "honesty" did not destroy him and he may yet accept all of this and live happily ever after. The thing folks are missing here is that this is a rare situation where the husband knows about the affair but says nothing to his WW. In most cases your telling him would have been a shock and pain like he never experienced before. And you would be responsible for all that pain because: A) you cheated and B) you told him for no good reason other than to ease your conscience. I find everything about this story reprehensible.

[dragon_fly_7]

I find it strange that your husband knew about your affair and probably even suspected about your daughter but never confronted you. That explains it why he's not as shocked when you confessed because the normal reaction would have been a man in total shock, calling you out some bad words and probably even crying.

 

I have two possible theories as why he might not be as shocked, even when he knew about your cheating.

- Maybe he cheated too sometime ago

- He might even be sterile (which he might have kept a secret from you and still does) and the news of never fathering a kid depressed him to the point that he would accept another man's child and pretend to not know about your affair...while knowing all along.

 

Then again, I don't know. These are the only theories I can come up with that explains that strange ''not very affected'' typical reaction. Either way I'm glad to hear you finally confessed and things are working out. Good luck.

Edited June 17, 2016 by dragon_fly_7

[standtall]

I find it strange that your husband knew about your affair and probably even suspected about your daughter but never confronted you.

.

 

Who cares? A lot posters are all about picking at old wounds. Enjoy the slow motion car wreck.

[SammySammy]

I find it strange that your husband knew about your affair and probably even suspected about your daughter but never confronted you. That explains it why he's not as shocked when you confessed because the normal reaction would have been a man in total shock, calling you out some bad words and probably even crying.

 

I have two possible theories as why he might not be as shocked, even when he knew about your cheating.

- Maybe he cheated too sometime ago

- He might even be sterile (which he might have kept a secret from you and still does) and the news of never fathering a kid depressed him to the point that he would accept another man's child and pretend to not know about your affair...while knowing all along.

 

Then again, I don't know. These are the only theories I can come up with that explains that strange ''not very affected'' typical reaction. Either way I'm glad to hear you finally confessed and things are working out. Good luck.

 

I find it strange also.

 

Knew she cheated. Knew the child wasn't his. Knew his wife was lying to him all of this time. Knew the child's biological father was missing a vital part of the child's life.

 

Did nothing. Pretended like nothing ever happened. For seven years.

 

Weird.

[66Charger]

This "congratulations" about telling him due to his immediate response is totally results-oriented. He already knew about your cheating and likely suspected he is not the father of the child. Because of this your "honesty" did not destroy him and he may yet accept all of this and live happily ever after. The thing folks are missing here is that this is a rare situation where the husband knows about the affair but says nothing to his WW. In most cases your telling him would have been a shock and pain like he never experienced before. And you would be responsible for all that pain because: A) you cheated and B) you told him for no good reason other than to ease your conscience. I find everything about this story reprehensible.

 

I find the thought that the only reason she confessed (to ease her conscience) reprehensible. No good reason? What a idiotic thing to say. There were plenty of good reasons and she listed them. It gets tiring hearing people suggesting that one lie forever.

 

What is a "rare situation" is a BS recommending silence and deceit. The results of your situation obviously didn't turn out well, or your sense of self respect is not that great. Perhaps instead of whining, it is you who should have left, instead of adopting the "see and hear no evil" mantra.

 

Stop putting clouds on her sunshine. WTF

 

It was disgusting to read posters making the husband out to be a potential monster and it is just as disgusting to read the "he must have been cheating" or all the rest of that crap.

 

Here is a clue for all of the barnies and betties and lie till you die folks.

 

Perhaps at the end of the day, what was most important, ruled the day.

 

HIS DAUGHTER. You know, that little sprite that has looked up to him for 6 years.

 

Happy Fathers Day.

 

A disturbance in the force is troubling.

Edited June 18, 2016 by 66Charger

[dragon_fly_7]

It was disgusting to read posters making the husband out to be a potential monster and it is just as disgusting to read the "he must have been cheating" or all the rest of that crap.

 

Here is a clue for all of the barnies and betties and lie till you die folks.

 

Perhaps at the end of the day, what was most important, ruled the day.

 

HIS DAUGHTER. You know, that little sprite that has looked up to him for 6 years.

 

Happy Fathers Day.

 

A disturbance in the force is troubling.

That's because her husband's calm reaction isn't the norm to someone that's been betrayed in that manner.

[66Charger]

It is if he knew about the affair, which she said he did. Perhaps he was just waiting for the confession. I believe dkt3 wrote, that those who cheat, think their SO are clueless. And are surprised when that isnt so. This isnt over, it just didnt blow up.

 

My point has always been, you may be surprised what honesty may reap. And you should not be surprised if dishonesty shatters you into a million peices.

 

Go ahead and rain if you must.

 

66 out.

Edited June 18, 2016 by 66Charger

[Poutrew]

Honestly, the husband sounds like the kind of guy who will stay in the marriage until the daughter is in college, then he will just pull up stakes and leave. This has happened before, and we have read about it on this forum...

[drifter777]

I find the thought that the only reason she confessed (to ease her conscience) reprehensible. No good reason? What a idiotic thing to say. There were plenty of good reasons and she listed them. It gets tiring hearing people suggesting that one lie forever.

 

What is a "rare situation" is a BS recommending silence and deceit. The results of your situation obviously didn't turn out well, or your sense of self respect is not that great. Perhaps instead of whining, it is you who should have left, instead of adopting the "see and hear no evil" mantra.

 

Stop putting clouds on her sunshine. WTF

The only reason she told him was to unburden herself - to ease her conscience. Let me be clear about this: I believe every other excuse she gave was pure rationalization. If it's tiring to you than skip over those posts when you see them.

 

It is extremely rare when a BH - maybe not BW -finds out about his wife cheating and says nothing. You have no idea about my situation so why don't you stop attacking me and just skip over my posts. I am not even going to look at your back-story but I'm going to guess that you are either the WS or have never experienced infidelity.

[66Charger]

Not a WS, nor is this story only about infidelity. It is also about fatherhood and the deception of the father, something that I can comment on. Maybe it is you who should have skipped over the thread and remained silent. (Edited for civility)

 

I will comment on what i wish, and the one thing i do comment on is cowards, whiners and those who council others to lie forever. And about a child? WTF

 

Kate, Those that would wish you well, probaly have already done so. Some still want to throw rocks. There may nothing else to learn here, and you can close the thread.

 

This may not be over, and i am sure there are other details, but at the end of the day, you did what was right. , Hopefully you can update us with some great news of another pending life.

Edited June 19, 2016 by 66Charger

[BetrayedH]

I think you did the right thing. In the long term, taking your lie to the grave would have been bad for your H, your marriage, and you.

 

There's a reason that the reconciliation success percentages are double for those who make a confession. It's because doing so provides real hope that you're a spouse worth reconciling with. That's good for your H, your marriage, and you.

[BettyDraper]

I find it strange also.

 

Knew she cheated. Knew the child wasn't his. Knew his wife was lying to him all of this time. Knew the child's biological father was missing a vital part of the child's life.

 

Did nothing. Pretended like nothing ever happened. For seven years.

 

Weird.

 

I agree. I don't understand this reaction at all.

 

Even the calmest and most rational spouse would not calmly digest such awful news.

 

Obviously there is something else going on here.

[dragon_fly_7]

I agree. I don't understand this reaction at all.

 

Even the calmest and most rational spouse would not calmly digest such awful news.

 

Obviously there is something else going on here.

Indeed and probably something the husband might be hiding from the OP.

[drifter777]

Not a WS, nor is this story only about infidelity. It is also about fatherhood and the deception of the father, something that I can comment on. Maybe it is you who should have skipped over the thread and remained silent. (Edited for civility)

BS?

 

10 characters

[TrustedthenBusted]

I would definitely want to know whether my child is actually mine.

 

The vast majority of men do want to be raising children who are not theirs

 

 

When I found out about my wife's affair, and the timing, I had my then 6 year old son DNA tested.

 

That couple of weeks I spent waiting was the literally hardest time I have ever spent on this earth.

 

I waited, and wondered, and waited, and wondered. Then came the clarity.

 

I realized I don't care what the results were. I really didn't. Because they are going right in the garbage bin no matter what they say, and I'm taking the answer - whatever it may be - to my grave.

 

I mean honestly....what was I going to do if he wan't mine? Turn my back on him? What the F kind of animal does that? I am that kid's world, and vice versa. Who would walk away from that?

[dichotomy]

I wonder what happens now?

 

1) How would a cheating wife or husband feel about their spouse simply shrugging their shoulders over a confessed or known affair and child by OM. I mean if my wife just said to me (after confessing I cheated and my mistress had a child) "ya I knew, no problems"... I would think she did not love me, did not care, or had her own affairs, or had no respect or self worth for herself, or I would be waiting for the eventual explosion. Strange

 

2) Related to above, what does a W.S. in this situation do now?. They have unburdened them self of the lie, their spouse seems not to be hurt or care that much. Do they have to work like a normal W.S. to rebuild the marriage or trust? Or do they not have to deal with any guilt since their spouse shows no hurt and simply wants to continue on ? Back to normal like nothing happened - not talk about it either ? Free pass ? Strange again.

 

I simply don't know what the next steps would be here. But hope it all works for OP and her BS going forward.

Edited June 20, 2016 by dichotomy

[standtall]

Indeed and probably something the husband might be hiding from the OP.

 

Pick pick pick...pick until the OP burns her marriage to the ground. She asked for specific advice about a specific situation...nothing more. I think responses like this are just to help the train derail quicker.

 

Enjoy the crash!

[66Charger]

BS?

 

I will answer because I have read bits and peices of your story and since I have referenced your story, I should write a small peice of mine.

 

I have one daughter, but there was another. There was a EA with the X and I am pretty sure there was a PA on one specific occasion. 6 weeks later the first pregnancy and her decision to terminate. I strongly disagreed, but what could i do. 30 days later, the EA partner was still sneaking around, so I terminated her.

 

I have always wondered, whose child she aborted.

 

Now the strange part. 60 days later was my birthday. X came over for a visit. My daughter was born 1 year to the day of the abortion. There is one person here, who knows that as truth. So was it Karma? Fate? Or Gods will. Either way, fatherhood, from where I am from, is a big thing. Biological or not. I knew that it was highly unlikely that the Dad would throw 6 years away. Daughters are different. The protection element in men, is off the charts when it comes to daughters.

 

Whats strange drifter is that you have written entirely different advice in regards to truth telling, just recently.

 

"For me the most important reason that I wanted every single detail was to test her for lies. She has always obviously held things back so I know she is still lying about a lot of things. If she was truly open and honest I would have more confidence in her" xxxxxxxxx

 

So you would want your wife to be open and honest with you, so that you can build confidence, but you suggest different for this OP?

 

No offense intended.

Edited June 21, 2016 by 66Charger

[grays]

I don't think the BS's knowledge of the affair and silence about it is that strange. He was part of the relationship throughout. He knows what happened, what was going on in their relationship, how things were for them then.

 

I have never had a PA, but I did fall in love with someone else. My spouse knew instinctively at the time and years later we talked openly about it. But, even though it was hurtful to him, he understood how and why it happened. He had been distant and unpleasant for a year and a half when I met this guy and I was lonely and hurt. It made perfect sense that I would fall for someone who was attentive and caring.

 

I can certainly imagine a BS acting like OP's spouse without having confronted her or having had an affair or something. He might have had empathy for her position at the time, what it felt like for her in the relationship and he might have thought they'd have a better chance of getting past it if he didn't confront her.

[firemanq]

By now the OP should have some idea what a horrible, selfish thing she did and how her actions and lies will affect a large number of innocent people. In my situation, not only has my life and that of my daughter been affected, but the other children's lives, my parents and the grandparents have had their lives change. After I confronted the lying bitch, she apologized and I told her that her apologies were false, as was our life together. She still does not understand why I do not trust her or her scheming mother.

 

 

I was lucky, I met a women who has not lied or cheated. I have been accepted by her daughter, whom I consider as my daughter. That daughter's children have accepted me as their grandfather. In fact, I am the father figure in their lives, as their bio- father was thrown out when he had an affair.

 

 

What a tangled web we weave when we deceive.

[merrmeade]

By now the OP should have some idea what a horrible, selfish thing she did and how her actions and lies will affect a large number of innocent people.

But I think she DOES know. I think some of you have been surprisingly harsh. I mean she made a mistake. Then she compounded it. But then, she did the right thing. She did it really late, and got a surprise reaction from the husband - but it was STILL the right thing. She was not a serial cheater. Nor did she rationalize it away.

 

Who is anyone to say, much less judge, exactly why she finally told him?? I would imagine it was for many reasons. And if one of them was to clear her own conscience, so what??

 

There are WSs who deserve bitter BS finger wagging, but not his one. imho.

[MJJean]

When I found out about my wife's affair, and the timing, I had my then 6 year old son DNA tested.

 

That couple of weeks I spent waiting was the literally hardest time I have ever spent on this earth.

 

I waited, and wondered, and waited, and wondered. Then came the clarity.

 

I realized I don't care what the results were. I really didn't. Because they are going right in the garbage bin no matter what they say, and I'm taking the answer - whatever it may be - to my grave.

 

I mean honestly....what was I going to do if he wan't mine? Turn my back on him? What the F kind of animal does that? I am that kid's world, and vice versa. Who would walk away from that?

 

Did you ever read the results?

 

I disagree with taking the results to the grave.

 

My mother had a child at 17 and gave him up for adoption. She never spoke of his father, but she was very open all our (me and my siblings) lives about having had a son and him being adopted immediately after birth.

 

When my mother was in her early 40's, I contacted the adoption agency. They sent her a packet of information she could submit and if the child she gave up was willing, they'd arrange an exchange of contact info. A few months later, we met my brother.

 

Unfortunately, my mother was "slipping" by then. She had some chronic health problems and one of the effects was memory loss. She tried, because she knew it meant so much to my brother/her son to locate his father, too, but she couldn't clear the fog.

 

She died a year later.

 

My older brother was heartbroken. He dearly loved his adoptive parents, but there was this drive in him to know where he came from. When my mother died, precious information died with her.

 

Now, my bio dad was not in the picture. He was a MM and my mom raised me alone for the first few years. Then she met Dad.

 

You know, Dad. The guy who chases monsters under the bed, investigates noises outside at night, captures escapee hamsters, interrogates your friends, measures the length of your skirt, busts your azz when you need it. Yeah, that guy.

 

Never made a difference that he didn't contribute to my genes. At all. Not once.

 

That said, as an adult and with some fairly serious medical concerns, it would have been nice to know my bio father's medical history and cultural origins. Maybe to even have the option of meeting him just for curiosity's sake. But my mom took that info to the grave, too. She offered it to me for years, I didn't want it, and by the time I did, it was too late.

 

If I were you, I'd look at the DNA. If the boy isn't biologically yours, so freakin what? You're his Dad. Knowing the truth means being able to get vital information while it is still available. Genetic history, family history, etc., that can be given to your son and medical professionals, if/when needed. From someone who is lacking same, trust me, it would be a gift to him.

 

And I'd tell him young. It was so much easier for us growing up knowing the truth than it would have been to learn it later. My mom was open and honest, she admitted to making mistakes and choices that she regretted, and we respected her for it.

[drifter777]

BS?

 

I will answer because I have read bits and peices of your story and since I have referenced your story, I should write a small peice of mine.

 

I have one daughter, but there was another. There was a EA with the X and I am pretty sure there was a PA on one specific occasion. 6 weeks later the first pregnancy and her decision to terminate. I strongly disagreed, but what could i do. 30 days later, the EA partner was still sneaking around, so I terminated her.

 

I have always wondered, whose child she aborted.

 

Now the strange part. 60 days later was my birthday. X came over for a visit. My daughter was born 1 year to the day of the abortion. There is one person here, who knows that as truth. So was it Karma? Fate? Or Gods will. Either way, fatherhood, from where I am from, is a big thing. Biological or not. I knew that it was highly unlikely that the Dad would throw 6 years away. Daughters are different. The protection element in men, is off the charts when it comes to daughters.

 

Whats strange drifter is that you have written entirely different advice in regards to truth telling, just recently.

 

"For me the most important reason that I wanted every single detail was to test her for lies. She has always obviously held things back so I know she is still lying about a lot of things. If she was truly open and honest I would have more confidence in her" xxxxxxxxx

 

So you would want your wife to be open and honest with you, so that you can build confidence, but you suggest different for this OP?

 

No offense intended.

 

None taken. I've always said that I wish I would have never known about her cheating. The way it all came down in my case made that impossible, but I still wish I could have this fact erased from my brain. Ignorance is bliss and I think I'd like some bliss about now.

 

Once the BH knows it's too late to spare him this painful devastation. At that point he is entitled to the truth about whatever facts he thinks he needs. She shouldn't try to "spare him" and edit out anything but, of course, she nearly always will.

 

I've been very consistent on these points because they are firm beliefs that come from my experiences. If a man can be spared the pain of infidelity then I always urge a WW to keep silent after her affair is over and either divorce him or re-dedicate herself to the marriage. In short, when it comes to infidelity I only care about BH and his recovery. Taking the position that what he doesn't know can't hurt him is a logical conclusion for me.

[fenix]

None taken. I've always said that I wish I would have never known about her cheating. The way it all came down in my case made that impossible, but I still wish I could have this fact erased from my brain. Ignorance is bliss and I think I'd like some bliss about now.

 

Once the BH knows it's too late to spare him this painful devastation. At that point he is entitled to the truth about whatever facts he thinks he needs. She shouldn't try to "spare him" and edit out anything but, of course, she nearly always will.

 

I've been very consistent on these points because they are firm beliefs that come from my experiences. If a man can be spared the pain of infidelity then I always urge a WW to keep silent after her affair is over and either divorce him or re-dedicate herself to the marriage. In short, when it comes to infidelity I only care about BH and his recovery. Taking the position that what he doesn't know can't hurt him is a logical conclusion for me.

 

I understand your point, it comes from someone who decided to stay in a marriage but who has not forgot and probably not completely forgiven the infidelity of your wife. Your reasons for staying are only yours but I wonder when I read your posts if it was the right decision in your case.... You seem quite unhappy and unable to move forward even when many years have already pass since your DD.

For many other people not knowing or not being told is taking from them their ability to choose about their life, you chose to stay but some may choose for leaving their WS and start a new life. When the WS keeps that as a secret is taking the ability to choose from the victim and assuming a condescending role (I am not telling you so you don't get hurt because I know what is best for you) that should not be there in a marriage or any kind of adults interaction...