Fell in love with friend of 10 years, after losing virginity to him.

[Ciel0]

I've been friends with this guy since junior high; he was the first boy who told me that he had a crush on me. Nothing romantic happened between us until late 2013. Out of the blue he asked me on a date, but decided after that we should just stay friends. I found out later he only asked me out because, in his own words, he was desperate. He still had feelings for another girl who didn't reciprocate.

 

I had a really painful and traumatic experience early last year, I had a psychotic episode and had to be admitted. I've had OCD since I was 8, but it unexpectedly got worse. I lost a lot of weight because of the heavy anxiety, and was tormented daily with scary intrusive thoughts. Two months after this experience I met my friend at a bar.

 

I was starting to feel better, but I was still healing. My friend told me he was moving out of state, so I decided to be brave. I reasoned that I deserved to have a little fun after the hell I'd experienced. I flirtatiously told him that I hadn't been kissed (I was always very shy and avoided being around non family members), he got the hint. We kissed, and a few weeks later had sex for the first time. It felt amazing and exciting to see him in this new light, after years of silently being attracted to eachother. We slept together three different times before he moved. He was honest from the start and said he wanted no attachments. I agreed and thought I could handle that, but I fell in love with him. I thought the sex was great, and complemented his performance and told him he had an amazing and big...thing.

 

He said he didn't want to be tied down, and wasn't ready to date. When I confessed my feelings. He said that he was physically attracted to me, said that I'm sexy, but I should be more condident to improve my personality. He told me he's only ever loved one girl...the one who rejected him. She had ATTITUDE. I didn't know what that meant. In my words... I'm an insecure, sensitive girl who relies too much on her parents. Not very badass.

 

He recently told me that he's dating someone, and I was devastated (I didn't let him know that I was, I wished him well). I felt like I wasn't good enough for him, good enough to **** but not good enough to love. I confronted him a few times over text about things he said, or did, that hurt me (like saying he only asked me out because he was desperate). The last time I confronted him he wanted me to move on from our friendship. I was (and still am) struggling with depression. I implied that it was due to the pot that he sold me screwing with my brain chemistry and interacting with my SSRI med. I told him that I only smoked pot to impress him, and admitted my insecurity. He said that I would be better off without him, and that it seemed that he was bringing me down. I told him that I loved him, and I always would like he was my family. That's when he told me he was dating someone. I wished him the best, and that was the last time we spoke (a week ago).

 

Is this relationship salvageable, or should I move on? For all these years he was my closest friend (even though we only hung out in person a few times a year). I really do love him, but I feel like he just needs space from me. My fear is that I ruined it.

 

I apologize about this super long post, but I really appreciate you reading this. Thank you.

[Poutrew]

No it is not salvageable, because there never was a relationship to begin with. Move on, and be grateful. The world is big and you have just begun your exploration of it. Better things lie in your future... (pun definitely intended).

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I'm sorry that the first time you had sex it was with someone who was a jerk to you and used you. You have to know how valuable you are sweetie. I know that's harder said than done because I really struggle with my self esteem. I seem to be cool and unaffected but as soon as there is a really great guy that I like, suddenly I become really weird and vulnerable and needy. Every time it doesn't work out with a guy, it takes an emotional piece out of me and I then have to start from square one.

 

Unfortunately, this guy was your first and all the more likely to mean something very special to you. And yes it is very clear that he used you as a stepping stone or something to do in the interim but understand YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT. Although I wouldn't have given him a tirade of text messages ( better face to face and non-emotional) I can tell that you would have been really upset and hurt. And that is completely, completely understandable.

 

You have done nothing wrong. None of this is your fault. Not one bit. The way he behaved is entirely his doing, unfortunately he is too selfish to really give you what you need in this time.

 

Take some time out for you is one piece of advice I can offer you. Also try and work on your mental health, get some counselling if you need it, and learn to love you ( I need to do the same). You'll learn in time, that there are more guys out there in the world to explore, but I would never rush into sex unless they want a committed relationship ( i learnt the hard way just recently)

 

And from my own experience, at 25 I had only slept with 2 people in my whole life, by the time I was 31 I had slept with 7.

 

 

Do things at your own pace but do not give this man any more of your time and energy, because he has definitely wasted yours! He has given his reasons for not pursuing you for a relationship but one day there will be one guy out there who will win you over, and you won't have to be so accommodating and apologetic in order to "prove" to him that you have plenty to offer, because he will see it from a mile off.

 

Best of luck! and don't be so hard on yourself!

[ExpatInItaly]

No, it's not salvageable because there wasn't a relationship in the first place. And you didn't ruin anything, because he didn't feel the same way about you to begin with.

 

I'm sorry this happened. But please, in the future, when someone shows you how little you mean to them (which he did, by telling you he asked you out only because he was desperate) stay away from them. Don't move towards them. It's a tough lesson to learn, but you have to get better at protecting your own well-being. Of course it hurts that he didn't reciprocate your feelings, but it was clear from the get-go you weren't on the same page.

 

I would work on you for now. You will find it far better to invest that energy in yourself and improving your self-esteem. Don't worry about guys right now. It isn't their job to boost you up and validate you. When you are in a healthy place again, then consider dating.

[Satu]

No, it's not salvageable, but life will provide you with much better experiences in the future.

 

He is just one paragraph in the big book of your life.

 

 

Take care.

[d0nnivain]

Whether the friendship is salvageable is up to you but I wouldn't do it. You want a romance. He doesn't want that. Because you have romantic feelings for him heightened by the sex, being around him will be painful for you. Don't do that to yourself. There is no romance here for you to salvage. He never wanted more then sex. Sorry.

[mikeylo]

Don't even attempt to salvage it. Nothing good will come out good for you. A hard lesson learnt.

[Omei]

I'm sorry that the first time you had sex it was with someone who was a jerk to you and used you. You have to know how valuable you are sweetie. I know that's harder said than done because I really struggle with my self esteem. I seem to be cool and unaffected but as soon as there is a really great guy that I like, suddenly I become really weird and vulnerable and needy. Every time it doesn't work out with a guy, it takes an emotional piece out of me and I then have to start from square one.

 

Unfortunately, this guy was your first and all the more likely to mean something very special to you. And yes it is very clear that he used you as a stepping stone or something to do in the interim but understand YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT. Although I wouldn't have given him a tirade of text messages ( better face to face and non-emotional) I can tell that you would have been really upset and hurt. And that is completely, completely understandable.

 

You have done nothing wrong. None of this is your fault. Not one bit. The way he behaved is entirely his doing, unfortunately he is too selfish to really give you what you need in this time.

 

Take some time out for you is one piece of advice I can offer you. Also try and work on your mental health, get some counselling if you need it, and learn to love you ( I need to do the same). You'll learn in time, that there are more guys out there in the world to explore, but I would never rush into sex unless they want a committed relationship ( i learnt the hard way just recently)

 

And from my own experience, at 25 I had only slept with 2 people in my whole life, by the time I was 31 I had slept with 7.

 

 

Do things at your own pace but do not give this man any more of your time and energy, because he has definitely wasted yours! He has given his reasons for not pursuing you for a relationship but one day there will be one guy out there who will win you over, and you won't have to be so accommodating and apologetic in order to "prove" to him that you have plenty to offer, because he will see it from a mile off.

 

Best of luck! and don't be so hard on yourself!

 

From what I read he didn't use her at all OP states he was honest from the start in saying there would be no relationships or attachments, op agreed to the terms slept with him now hopes for more the only mistake here is she didn't listen and believe him.

 

Stop making the guy seem like a monster he was honest, she ignored it.

[Ciel0]

I also wanted to add that I didn't have feelings for him until after he kissed me and we slept together. Is it real love, or just hormones? That's been really confusing me. Before all this he wasn't the kind of guy Im interested in.

[stillafool]

I also wanted to add that I didn't have feelings for him until after he kissed me and we slept together. Is it real love, or just hormones? That's been really confusing me. Before all this he wasn't the kind of guy Im interested in.

 

I don't know if you were really in love with him or not, but you will. Please leave him alone. He has tried to be nice in the way he is disconnecting from you but it's pretty obvious he means what he told you. It's better to find a female best friend because you won't lose her the way you will a male. This guy has moved on and so should you.

[d0nnivain]

I also wanted to add that I didn't have feelings for him until after he kissed me and we slept together. Is it real love, or just hormones? That's been really confusing me. Before all this he wasn't the kind of guy Im interested in.

 

 

Hormones play a big part in it. When you have sex your body releases chemicals that help you bond emotionally to your partner.

 

Hopefully you learned an important fact about yourself: you are not wired for NSA.

 

Save your next sexual encounter for somebody who is on the same page as you. When a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe him.

[jcromp]

If you weren't in love with him before the sex, then you're not in love with him now. But the other poster is right in saying that having sex releases brain chemicals that make us feel bonded to the other person. Of course all of this is amplified by the fact that he was your first.

 

What you're feeling now is more than likely infatuation. You may be able to rekindle the friendship later on down the road after you've moved on from this, but I wouldn't try to maintain a relationship right now. There is no chance of salvaging the relationship right now. He's made it very clear that he's not interested in a romantic relationship with you. And he probably means it when he says that he feels bad for hurting you. You were friends for a long time after all.

 

My advice would be to leave it alone for now, take some time to heal yourself, and when you feel ready, try dating someone else. At least now you know that you're not capable of having casual sex at this point in your life.

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry he doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It sounds like he is being clear about how he feels. He wants you to move on. It may seem like he's the only one for you, but believe me, you deserve someone who loves you and respects you. When you meet the "right" person, you will realize why things did not work out with this guy.

In the meantime, just focus on loving yourself. Take care of yourself, health and depression.

[Ciel0]

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your honest responses. It's gonna take me some time to feel better. Everything that happened between him has comprised my wellbeing. I am still dealing with my mental health, problems with dissociation. It was a foolish mistake on my part to engage in that relationship at a vulnerable time.