Today is one month...

[andie1969]

After my divorce my therapist recommended it. I resisted at first but now I do find it helpful. It will surprise you to read stuff months later and realize how far you've come.

[kat2008]

Hi Andie

 

I totally agree with this - I recently read a journal from 20 years ago after another LTR dissolved and the emotions I went through then are pretty similar to the ones I am going through now. It took me a long time to decide to read it all, but am glad I did, because it is what is helping me heal now, knowing I came through it then (it was much, much worse) and knowing that I will come through this time although it is still a rough ride at times.

 

I am not the person I was then, thankfully, and I have many happy memories of the last 20 years - I lived a life!! So I figure if I did it once, I can do it again.

 

Journalling for me, is really helping me cope day to day.

[andie1969]

One month since the break up and since I've seen or talked to him. I'm feeling a LOT of anxiety today...maybe realization that it really is over is setting in. He's made NO point to reach out to me in any way since that day. I'm feeling SO alone right now... 2 years ago I went through a devastating divorce, but picked myself up and the next year met this guy. We were together for a year and he broke up with me by phone out of nowhere, although he said he's been thinking about it for a while (ouch). I'm just feeling the devastating pain of rejection once again. I think that's it more than missing HIM, I'm missing the familiarity of being with someone, and our routine. I can't stop thinking about him...for example, I know this is the weekend he has his son and we would always do something fun with the kids those weekends. I miss that

 

I went on 2 dates last weekend and couldn't wait to get home from both, just not ready I guess, but I'm sick of wasting my time thinking and hoping about/for someone/something that is not going to happen! I wish I could just move on... My heart hurts today.

Edited April 1, 2016 by andie1969

[Zahara]

The finality is setting in. This is it. You're feeling that weight and the inevitable acceptance that the relationship is over. It's very normal. After ending, there's always that denial that just maybe things will change but as time goes by and you realize things are just as they are -- that realization is painful.

 

It would be best for you to not date. You can't offer anyone anything. It would be unfair to those coming to the table with emotional availability while you're just looking for an escape. It's only going to set you back and in your desperate need to find someone to fill that void, you may just make a bad decision because your radar/picker is a little off focus while you are in pain.

 

Focus your time and energy on healing.

[Emaize3]

I totally get it. I miss all our times together too and still think about him. I'm about 9 weeks post bu and doing much better but yesterday- out of the blue- I really missed him. I hate when FB says you have memories to look back on and of course they're memories of him. I want to start dating now because I think I'm ready but who knows. I'm hoping that by the 2 month mark, you will be feeling much better. Trust me, I have my days, like I said and I thought I'd be in this depression for a year, but it has gotten better. Keep posting here- we all need each other. ?

[privategal]

Just wanted to say, time does heal but we HATE to hear that, the saying actually sucks when your in pain and lonely. You cant go around grieving, just through it.

The first step is admitting its really over.

If you do it helps you not hold onto false hope. I hope that you will be ok.

One day at a time, sending support and please stay NO contact no matter what. Very important in healing!

[andie1969]

Thanks everyone, it does help to know others have felt this pain. I've done everything I'm "supposed" to do...keep busy, spend time with friends and family, go to the gym, not contact him, etc. It still sucks!!! I know time will help because I look back at the guys I was heartbroken over in high school and college (I'm 46) and just laugh and shake my head that I was that upset over those jerks!

[Satu]

Compared to many, you're doing very well.

 

You're being realistic about the situation, and your feelings are appropriate to that situation.

 

As you said yourself, dating is not a good idea at this point.

 

You will be able to move on when your healing has progressed sufficiently.

 

 

Its quite significant that you said this:

 

I think that's it more than missing HIM, I'm missing the familiarity of being with someone, and our routine.

 

That qualifies as a major insight.

 

Allow yourself to spend some time alone, focussing on yourself, and investing in yourself.

 

If you do that, you will not only make it easier for you to heal from the pain of this loss, you will also grow in your understanding of yourself as a person.

 

The importance of that can't be overstated.

 

I deliberately spent time alone after my own devastating breakup, and not only came out of it healed of my pain, I came out of it a happier person. Happier than I had ever been before.

 

 

“Our language has wisely sensed these two sides of man’s being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.”

 

― Paul Tillich, The Eternal Now.

 

 

Be with yourself, in every sense of being.

 

 

Keep posting.

 

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Satu

[andie1969]

I think too part of it is, I did (and still do) really care about HIM. He was the first and only other man I let into my daughter's life (she is 13) after my divorce. I met all of his family, he met mine, we spent holidays together, vacationed together in Mexico and Canada... I let him into my life, my deepest thoughts and dreams, etc. That is a big deal for me! I told him things about myself and my family that very few people know and the thought of starting all over with someone new at some point and going through all of this again is overwhelming. I feel that he knows me so well, I shared everything and now he is gone, poof, just like that. I've lost more than just him, I've lost his son, his dog, his sister, etc. When people break up it's rarely just the 2 individuals that are impacted, the fallout can be far and wide, especially when there are kids involved.

 

Thanks for listening to my rambles...I'm trying not to talk about him too much when I'm out with friends, I know they all think I should be over it by now.

[Satu]

 

Thanks for listening to my rambles...I'm trying not to talk about him too much when I'm out with friends, I know they all think I should be over it by now.

 

You can post here as much as you like.

 

There's always somebody here.

 

 

Take care.

[andie1969]

Coming back to update since it's been 2 months since the break up. I'm actually to the point where I don't remember the exact number of days/weeks/months since then or since NC. The deep, dark, heavy fog has lifted and I'm now able to look back at the relationship sans rose-colored glasses and wonder why the hell I didn't end it sooner?? I've met someone a few weeks ago so I'm sure that has contributed to the moving on phase. I went on a handful of dates that I had no desire to repeat, but this one is different. I am to the point now where I wouldn't even consider getting back with my ex, even if there wasn't someone else on the horizon. I KNOW there are bigger and better things ahead and I refuse to let thoughts and memories of him keep those from me.

 

I admit, there are times when I still have anxiety, etc. For example, I had to be over in his neighborhood the other day for an appt. and was hoping I didn't run into him anywhere! Hopefully soon I'll be to the point where I can say a casual Hi if I see him and go on about my day.

 

I just wanted to update since reading everyone's stories really helped me when I felt so utterly dejected and sad. It sounds cliche, but you need to love yourself, you are so worth it!