Self-Esteem: Let's discusss

[ConfusedInOC]

One of the main issues I've noticed with people here at LS is that a lot of us are lacking self-esteem (yours truly included). However, after much reading, counseling and lots of self-reflection, I'm finally starting to understand the root cause and work my way back up.

 

One of the biggest causes of low self-esteem is the "rejection of reality," that is, not accepting reality for what it is and LYING to ourselves. eg: Being overly humble, being overly boisterous, lying to please others, lying to please yourself, praising someone and then chastising them behind their back, etc.

 

When we lie to ourselves, we live a false life. That is to say, we don't believe we are who we really are or we do not accept who we are. This manifests itself into not being comfortable with who we are and LOVING who we are. If you are lying to yourself then you are most certainly not accepting who you are. And that is the root cause of low self-esteem.

 

In order to overcome this, we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to live in reality, the way the world really is, not as we'd like it to be. When you practice this (and much like physical exercise, to see any improvement you have to work out consistently) you have to do it every day and it must be continual until it just becomes a part of who you are.

 

Learning to accept who you are is just the beginning. You must truly LOVE and ACCEPT yourself, flaws and all (and we all have flaws, no one is perfect). Then you must face up to the lies you tell yourself every day. And they aren't always big lies, they're the little ones as well. You must live in reality and see things for how they are, not what you want them to be.

 

There's much more to cover and I suggest Counseling and reading books on Self-Esteem to give you solid ground. However, I would like to hear some opinions of those who feel they have GOOD self-esteem and those who have LOW self-esteem.

 

Feel free to discuss.

[Opium]

I think self-esteem has a lot to do with the way you were raised. Whether if both parents were around or just one. I feel that is the foundation of self-esteem. I'm not saying a single parent can't help their child to grow up and feel good about themselves but sometimes not having one parent could cause problems.

 

Self-Esteem has to be within. Making yourself realize the qualtities you can offer to someone or to yourself. Being proud of who you are and what you believe in. Everyone at one point in their lives feel useless or unwanted, well have low self-esteem, but it takes those strong minded ones to actually say "I'm full of shyt"!

 

Also, the media has a lot of influence especially in children, on how they are suppose to look and act. You see "Americas Top Mode", those girls are beautiful but guess what issues is constantly being pushed, SELF-ESTEEM. Those girls actually have low-self esteem, I don't get it.

 

I feel good about myself and what I stand for. I can't complain I'm happy with myself. Do I feel sometimes unattractive or ugly, yeah sometimes but probably when I'm pmsing or something like that

[whichwayisup]

There's much more to cover and I suggest Counseling and reading books on Self-Esteem to give you solid ground. However, I would like to hear some opinions of those who feel they have GOOD self-esteem and those who have LOW self-esteem.

 

One can read all they want but until you put what you read into actions and apply it their life - NOTHING will change. The good intentions are there, but the follow through isn't.

 

It's all cognitive thinking. Changing comes from the mind and sticking to it.

 

People can only change by their experiences, good and bad. I know some of my insecurities come from growing up, experiences at home, stupid s*** but that stupid s*** stays with you forever!! Like in highschool, being picked on and made fun of. That stuff stays inside forever and comes out when your vunerable. The thing to remember is life is different and you're much older and wiser. The past is the past - Future is the future - Stay in the now and focus on the more important things rather than letting them take over and affect you now.

 

**Using YOU in a sense of person, not anybody specific btw.**

 

One of the main issues I've noticed with people here at LS is that a lot of us are lacking self-esteem

Maybe, but remember some people express themselves differently in words than they do in real life. It's too easy to put your own spin on what you really think they meant and words can jump up and read a certain way.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

Mine comes from intelligence and education and secondarily from my looks.

 

 

But seriously, alpha, many people do not know the root cause of their self-esteem issues. A lot of it can be traced simply to lying to themselves and living in a false reality. If we're lying about who we are the likely reason for that is we do not like or accept who we are.

 

The only way to break the cycle is to stop lying to ourselves (and others), start living in reality (the way things really are, not how we perceive them to be) and learn to LOVE and ACCEPT who we are (flaws and all). And it must be practiced every day.

 

Your self-esteem will rise incrementally each day that you work consciously at it. One day at a time.

 

A famous quote to back this: "To thine own self be true...."

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by alphamale

Mine comes from intelligence and education and secondarily from my looks.

 

Hmm, I thought it was your talent in bed ALPHA!

[Opium]

People can only change by their experiences, good and bad. I know some of my insecurities come from growing up, experiences at home, stupid s*** but that stupid s*** stays with you forever!! Like in highschool, being picked on and made fun of. That stuff stays inside forever and comes out when your vunerable. The thing to remember is life is different and you're much older and wiser. The past is the past - Future is the future - Stay in the now and focus on the more important things rather than letting them take over and affect you now.

 

Agree.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

 

But seriously, alpha, many people do not know the root cause of their self-esteem issues. A lot of it can be traced simply to lying to themselves and living in a false reality. If we're lying about who we are the likely reason for that is we do not like or accept who we are.

 

This is true for some people. But there are many underlying causes to low self-esteem. Growing up with physical or emotional abuse can make a person feel that they are worthless, from the foundation of their personality on up, for example.

 

I'm just sayin'. A lot of people (like me ) are easily quite honest with themselves, but their background makes them feel worthless. Carl Rogers, humanistic psychologist, said the key is to look at yourself both honestly and acceptingly. The first part is quite easy. The second part is not so easy.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by blind_otter

This is true for some people. But there are many underlying causes to low self-esteem. Growing up with physical or emotional abuse can make a person feel that they are worthless, from the foundation of their personality on up, for example.

 

So they need to first accept that they are not worthless (and they aren't!)

 

I'm just sayin'. A lot of people (like me ) are easily quite honest with themselves, but their background makes them feel worthless. Carl Rogers, humanistic psychologist, said the key is to look at yourself both honestly and acceptingly. The first part is quite easy. The second part is not so easy.

 

Being honest with yourself is a good step. Being honest about reality is also important (seeing this for how they are). To accept yourself you have to understand that you are NOT worthless nor are you inferior to anyone else. We all have strengths and weaknesses.

 

This is why I recommend reading the books and going to Counseling if you have low self-esteem. It's the main ingredient to happiness in life and in love.

[Marshbear]

Self esteem comes from believing in yourself. If you like who you are both inside and out then your esteem will reflect that reality. I have a healthy self esteem because I like who I am and if someone doesn't like me than they have that right and who am I to say different. We all want to be accepted but I think the problem in when we feel we have to please others for our own acceptance. I learned a long time ago that not everyone will like you and that it's OK. Self esteem can come from many sources but it all boils down to liking yourself and accepting your reality.

 

 

Peace...

[Opium]

I learned a long time ago that not everyone will like you and that it's OK.

 

So true, I have to remember that.

[blind_otter]

The funny thing is that you can have high self esteem in some areas and not in others.

 

Like, my low self-esteem doesn't infect my entire being. I feel I have benefitted from receiving unconditional love from my Dad. I know not many people have/had Dads, or good Dads for that matter. My father never raised his voice in anger to me, nor did he raise a hand against me. It gives me an inner strength that I am aware of, that has helped me survive the traumas I endured, knowing that no matter what I do or what happens to me, my Father loves me just the same.

 

But that strong foundation didn't prevent me from suffering as I did, it just helped me survive. Does that make sense?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Marshbear

Self esteem comes from believing in yourself. If you like who you are both inside and out then your esteem will reflect that reality. I have a healthy self esteem because I like who I am and if someone doesn't like me than they have that right and who am I to say different. We all want to be accepted but I think the problem in when we feel we have to please others for our own acceptance. I learned a long time ago that not everyone will like you and that it's OK. Self esteem can come from many sources but it all boils down to liking yourself and accepting your reality.

 

 

Peace...

 

Definitely. Once you stop caring what people who do NOT like you think, your self-esteem will definitely go up. I too realize that not everyone is going to like you so don't take it personally.

 

It's when our S/O rejects us that our self-esteem takes the biggest hit. It's how you handle that situation that is a true indication of just how deep (or not so) your self-esteem really is.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

It's when our S/O rejects us that our self-esteem takes the biggest hit. It's how you handle that situation that is a true indication of just how deep (or not so) your self-esteem really is.

 

See this is why I think I bounce back relatively quickly from breaking up, even bad breakups (like mine last year) -- because I'm like, well whatever. At least someone under the sun (darling Daddums) will always love me...ya know?

[InmannRoshi]

Its not surprising fashion models have low self esteem. I think perceived "low self esteem" is actually a form of hubris. If you walk into a room and think to yourself "Everyone is laughing at me", it suggests you think so highly of yourself that you actually believe strangers care about you one way or another. A fashion models goal life is to be the center of attention, so of course they are vain enough to believe everyone notices that they've gained 3 lbs from vacation or that their nose bends slightly to the left.

 

I once believed that I had "low self esteem". It was narcissicism. I believed I was so important and unique in this world that everyone must spend as much time as I do in the mirror disecting me and picking me apart. The entire universe was built around me, so of course everyone is disappointed in me because I haven't lived up to the billing. Boo-hoo .. I don't look like Orlando Bloom. I'm just an average guy. I'm supposed to be SPECIAL damnit !!! Ladies don't throw themseles at me. I'm not a rock star. I don't have 6-pack abs. I'm never going to be famous. I'm never going to be a millionaire. I'm never going to play centerfield for the Chicago Cubs. I'm never going to see my name in marquee lights. My teeth are slightly crooked. I was never the star quarterback in high school. Poor, poor pitiful me. I'm ... I'm .. I'm ... ORDINARY !! Oh God, say it isn't so !!!

 

I volunteered at a nursing home working with Alzheimmer patients, and it was amazing how quickly I forgot that I was 2 inches shorter than I wanted to be.

[Pocky]

In my opinion, self-esteem comes from the ability to understand that your opinion about yourself is more important than anyone else's opinion about you.

[moimeme]

Its not surprising fashion models have low self esteem. I think perceived "low self esteem" is actually a form of hubris. If you walk into a room and think to yourself "Everyone is laughing at me", it suggests you think so highly of yourself that you actually believe strangers care about you one way or another. A fashion models goal life is to be the center of attention, so of course they are vain enough to believe everyone notices that they've gained 3 lbs from vacation or that their nose bends slightly to the left.

 

Precisely. As is the extended navel-gazing sessions of those with 'low self-esteem'.

 

You want an author who'll put you straight about all this shxt, try Albert Ellis. He'll tell you exactly where you go wrong in all this business and how to think it. It's about changing how you think.

 

And CIOC, you've lately been like the proselytizing ex-smoker. Whatever may be true is not necessarily true for all other humans. You haven't discovered the secret to life - just a few secrets of your life. It's find for you to discuss your findings with respect to yourself, but they're not the solutions for everyone's problems.

 

Really, read Ellis. Look him up on the Web. He has his own site and all his books are listed there plus a brief outline of his theory.

[BrotherAaron]

Haha, that's true, CIOC, you have been a bit eager to share your recent epiphanies with everyone else. I've seen a lot of threads that tend to take this pattern:

 

Originally Posted by Dumped_Loser

 

My girlfriend dumped me. I texted her 18 times this morning, and she still hasn't responded! What's going on? I know she still loves me, even though I caught her having sex with two escaped convicts in the driveway. How can I make her realize that she needs me? I already tried buying her a new car, but she filled it with my stuff and pushed it off the golden gate bridge. What do I do?

 

Originally Posted by ConfusedInOC

 

You don't need her! You need to fix yourself before you can have a good relationship with somebody else. Go on NC so that you look strong, and read No More Mr. Nice Guy. After reading the book, you won't care if other people like you - and then girls will be throwing themselves at you. Your ex will realize how valuable and great you really are, since you instituted NC, and then you can make her work to get you back. Good luck!

 

p.s. I am also reading like 20 other books I'm willing to recommend, if you ask. Ok, since you asked:

 

1) No More Mr. Nice Guy

2) Love Must be Tough

3) Building Self-Esteem

4) Playboy's Guide to One Night Stands <--- (read that one twice!)

 

Ok, ok, so I am being a little harsh. I'm just joshing - I think it's great that you're willing to share what has been working for you with other people in similar situations. That is, more or less, the purpose of this forum.

 

I also suspect that you start threads like these because it's nice to have further input, although I admit that it can seem like your projecting your self-esteem issues on us. I am, however, going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you realize that the rest of us are 100% together human beings, oozing with confidence and healthy self-respect. You're the only one on this forum with issues. Get it right.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by moimeme

Precisely. As is the extended navel-gazing sessions of those with 'low self-esteem'.

 

You want an author who'll put you straight about all this shxt, try Albert Ellis. He'll tell you exactly where you go wrong in all this business and how to think it. It's about changing how you think.

 

And CIOC, you've lately been like the proselytizing ex-smoker. Whatever may be true is not necessarily true for all other humans. You haven't discovered the secret to life - just a few secrets of your life. It's find for you to discuss your findings with respect to yourself, but they're not the solutions for everyone's problems.

 

Really, read Ellis. Look him up on the Web. He has his own site and all his books are listed there plus a brief outline of his theory.

 

Moi, you might not be aware of this, but most every post here is "AN OPINION." The topic says "discuss" as in "it's open for debate."

 

Might be a surprise to you, but you don't always have the answer either, toots.

[moimeme]

So I'm debating.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

Ok, ok, so I am being a little harsh. I'm just joshing - I think it's great that you're willing to share what has been working for you with other people in similar situations. That is, more or less, the purpose of this forum.

 

 

Seriously, I only have me to go on so the advice from Counseling, the books and what I have learned, I tend to share. I don't give a flip if it p*sses Moimeme or anyone else off. If I have info to share and I feel it will be beneficial, I'll share anyway.

 

I also suspect that you start threads like these because it's nice to have further input, although I admit that it can seem like your projecting your self-esteem issues on us. I am, however, going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you realize that the rest of us are 100% together human beings, oozing with confidence and healthy self-respect. You're the only one on this forum with issues. Get it right.

 

Exactly, bro. I said "discuss" because I wanted to get other opinions. I think a LOT of people here have self-esteem issues or they wouldn't be here. I see similar topics over and over and most of them can be traced to self-confidence/self-esteem issues. I am not saying what works for me is a sure-fire shot to work for everyone else, I merely wanted to bring the topic up for debate because as far as I can see it's much needed and not discussed.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by moimeme

So I'm debating.

 

You're not debating, you're ASSuming....

[moimeme]

No you are

[ConfusedInOC]

Seriously, I opened this up for discussion so that we could broach the subject of self-esteem and talk about ways to IMPROVE IT.

 

I use the CCSM (for males) acronym to help me:

 

CALM

CONFIDENT

SELF-ASSURED

MASCULINE

 

But I also really work on accepting reality for what it is and stop trying to put my own spin on it. My Counselor today said "denied reality" or something to that effect where we live basically in fear of our own lies. That, she said, was a MAJOR contributor to low self-esteem.

 

Also she mentioned my confrontation with the "Personal Trainer" and commended me for exhibiting high self-esteem (by asking her why she didn't call me). She said the only thing she would correct is when the Trainer apologized for not calling me I should never say "It's ok." I should just accept the apology. When I say "It's ok" I am trying to comfort her instead of accepting her apology.

[InmannRoshi]

The problem I have is that "self esteem" has become this vague, marketable, self help buzzword so that people have no idea what it really means. The same thing for "confidence". What do you picture when you think of the word "confidence"? Being able to enter a room and chat up anyone, and have the entire room eating out of the palm of your hand? That's not necessarily confidence, that could be insecurity. The need to the be the center of attention or the need for everyone to like you has nothing to do with confidence. If anything, its the exact opposite of confidence, as its relying on others for your own validation.

 

Confidence is being able to walk into a movie theatre alone on a Saturday Night to watch a movie with an entire theatre full of noodling couples. Confidence is being able to walk into a nice restaurant for dinner and say to the hostess "Table for 1, Please".

 

We've twisted around the term "confidence" in the West to the point where it has absolutely no meaning, and could mean the exact opposite of what it really should mean. Personally, I can't stand these make-over shows on television. Okay, five gay men take this straight guy who obviously doesn't give two flips about ascthetics or fashion, give him a make over to make him some urban, hipster, clone and claim that now he's "more confident". How is he more confident? That he's more self awere of theoretical jugemental eyes who are critiqueing his clothes

and hairstyle? Now he's suddenly more insecure about whether he matches the fasion du jour, and he's more sure of himself? Nonsense. He's more insecure, not more confident.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by InmannRoshi

The problem I have is that "self esteem" has become this vague, marketable, self help buzzword so that people have no idea what it really means. The same thing for "confidence". What do you picture when you think of the word "confidence"? Being able to enter a room and chat up anyone, and have the entire room eating out of the palm of your hand? That's not necessarily confidence, that could be insecurity. The need to the be the center of attention or the need for everyone to like you has nothing to do with confidence. If anything, its the exact opposite of confidence, as its relying on others for your own validation.

 

Very true.

 

Confidence is being able to walk into a movie theatre alone on a Saturday Night to watch a movie with an entire theatre full of noodling couples. Confidence is being able to walk into a nice restaurant for dinner and say to the hostess "Table for 1, Please".

 

Done that Did it on a Friday night fulla lip smacking teens while I'm trying to watch Yoda kick some Sith arse

 

We've twisted around the term "confidence" in the West to the point where it has absolutely no meaning, and could mean the exact opposite of what it really should mean. Personally, I can't stand these make-over shows on television. Okay, five gay men take this straight guy who obviously doesn't give two flips about ascthetics or fashion, give him a make over to make him some urban, hipster, clone and claim that now he's "more confident". How is he more confident? That he's more self awere of theoretical jugemental eyes who are critiqueing his clothes and hairstyle? That's now he's suddenly more insecure about whether he matches the fasion du jour? Seems as though that makes people more insecure, not more confident.

 

Isn't a metro-sexual the antithesis of "confident and secure?"