Final stages of this Nightmare

[Brady375]

13 hearts sorry but get a clue. I didn't ignore her on Friday and Saturday nights I worked and had to to pay for all of the household expenses. I had off every sun mon and spent those days w her. So yes on Friday and Saturday night she can enjoy her personal time but that doesn't mean she has to be out getting drunk and lying about drinking lol.

 

Also yes she is my wife and I have taken care of her as I paid her way so she could try and crack into her career. But she never went all in to get it done. She was comfortable in her current job and as I push and put myself in Uncomfortable situations to help support us she just coasted. I don't even expect a 50/50 split of things or responsibilities Cus I loved her. I wasn't keeping score. But when the relationship consistently feels like an 80/20 split it gets old.

 

She is my wife to talk care of and she also is a woman in her 30s w an advanced degree w NO Kids holding her back from succeeding and helping US build a Life together. She has the same limitations and opportunites i do yet she's taken advantage so No I don't have to blindly take care of that and support that. That's a woman taking advantage of the situation. If she was raising my kids then all bets are off I wouldn't be saying this. But wo that there is no difference between the two of us as far as both putting in the effort to build a life together.

 

Now wo her my life hasn't changed. I still have everything i had before she left just now minus the aggravation. I bought and paid for every thing in this house prior to marriage etc. nothing has changed. My house is cleaner than ever w just me here and me cleaning and doing everything.

 

No I am not responsible for taking care of a woman who is not raising kids and who is completely capable of going out and achieving on her own. Not to such a lopsided degree. She is responsible for her self. I supported her. Free ride is over. Now she has everything she has earned for herself. We had seperate accounts. She has all of her Own money and items and even gifts that were given to us. She has a bedroom at her parents she is now staying at and she has her same crumby job. Whose responsible for where she is at right now and In life? She is. That's common sense.

 

Also marriage vows are a two way street. I agreed to them thinking she would hold up her end and honor me. Not just coast off my success and continue to party like a 21yr old and get Embarassingly drunk as I pay her way. Then Consistenly refuse to address the issues.

 

It's easy to talk about vows when your the one draining off the other. "You need to take care of me, for better or worse" when your the one taking advantage that's all well and good Cus your just sitting back getting your way. Vows are a two way street. When I made them I didn't agree to this. She has 4months to accomplish Reasonable things. Get your career going finally after 8yrs, stop drinking like she said she could easily do, and go to counseling Each week like I was.

 

Not a single interview, quit counseling after the first month, and slowly but surely starting hanging out and drinking w the Worst people. Sorry but save ur post.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Brady375

[The_Dork_Lard]

Or maybe he just doesn't like me enough

 

 

 

Inhibits things how? Emotionally? Sexually? Financially? I'm not sure what you mean.

 

 

I mean, because of those social scripts (a husband has to be this.... a wife has to be this) people have to perform an identity. But I believe performing a scripted identity inhibits people to truly express themselves.

 

For example, a wife may naturally be promiscuous. She may enjoy occasionally indulging in some sexual activity with the occasional other man. But the traditional script for wives is one bound by monogamy. Monogamy and matrimonial ideology seem intrinsically bound. But why? This means any desires of safe, consensual sex with another are automatically eradicated. Her natural self is suppressed and inhibited by what the scripts prescribe. She has to stick with pears for the rest of her life, and has to deny herself the occasional orange. I argue an unmarried couple in which the male partner understands his girlfriend at her deepest sub-conscious, sexual, human level would allow for her to express this side of herself. He could be safe in the knowledge he is her primary lover, and always will be (or not). This is independent of any state sanctioned status.

 

Similarly, a husband may enjoy frequent bouts of bachelor style socialising with his buddies. Say, once a fortnight he may enjoy getting rat-arsed drunk and playing poker with his buddies. Woe betied any husband who expresses this wish. I know several married men who have to fight for this 'privilege' every once in a while. So most quietly accept this can never be, and have to inhibit this side of themselves, causing resentment, and leading to a critique of the institution of marriage.

 

There seems to be social scripts laid out before us - roles to which we subscribe to. And these roles are somewhat inhibiting to who we may actually be.

 

I argue that marital status in itself is nonsense, and that to actually just relate to another in the truest, most human way, regardless of state sanction, is more pure than any structure or ideology man can dream up.

 

I yearn for the day I can meet somebody who accepts me in my entirety, and visa versa, regardless of marital status. Somebody who can see and love the person, and for who that's enough.

 

That's what I mean by inhibition, or not.

 

Marriage is a human attempt to stamp certainty onto an uncertain world. The more deeply one thinks about it, the more absurd it is.

Edited April 4, 2016 by The_Dork_Lard

[sandylee1]

I hear and can almost feel the bitterness and resentment regarding the finances in your marriage.

 

You were with her for 5 years before marriage ... what was she doing then? Why didn't you wait for her to find herself before marriage?

 

Add the drinking into it ..... I can see why you've lost it. Coming home to a drunken wife must be very unattractive.

 

BTW if anyone advises her to see a lawyer... she will get everything the law dictates.

[AMarriedMan]

That's a ridiculous question. Marriage is a man's construct, for the benefit of men, to prolong men's lives and ensure survival of the man's genes.

 

Which of the benefits of marriage are not readily available for men without signing on the dotted line?

 

The State is involved in the interests of women and children.

 

Child support is an issue entirely separate from marriage. The main beneficiaries of marriage are ex-wives who have the opportunity to first live on their husbands' dime as wives, then divorce them, and collect alimony and half of marital property, none of which benefits are interrupted by a new relationship so long as no remarriage occurs.

Edited April 5, 2016 by AMarriedMan

[AMarriedMan]

I sure hope this is the case.

 

I also hope one of them feels relief with this divorce.

 

Which one?

 

OP, of course. I think OP needs to examine the process by which he picks women for serious relationships. It really pays to learn to carefully listen to what people are communicating through their words and actions.

[Brady375]

Sandy. Thanks for the reply. When I met her and got engaged we were in our 20s. The drinking thing I Rationalized and thought like most people of that age she'd grow up some and move on from it. But it never happened. My 31yr old wife frequently goes out and acts like a 21yr old girl. It's harder to Rationalize this behavior from a 31yr old wife and as opposed if it was coming from a 22yr old GF. As far as supporting her I had my career at 20 starter young we met at 24me 21 her and were engaged at 27me and 24her. She was on her way into her career. Great degree and gpa and was getting internships etc. it appeared a done deal and she appeared to hav it together. Engagement happened and lasted for a year and half and then marriage.

 

No career w competitive pay, but a load of college loans. I supported her by paying for everything. House bills. Everything. Only thing she was asked to pay for was her Own college loans and expenses; gas etc, and groceries for the house. This started about 2yrs into the marriage Cus before that she was on unemployment. Eventually she wanted and I let her get a brand new car. She had to make the car payment. $350. Before the car where did that 350$ go? Into her own account. I didn't care I was good to her. I figured I'd wait until she got her career and made Atleast half of what I do until I ProRated the bills w her. But year after year passed and it wouldn't happen. No interview. Nothing. Just her saying "I know I'm applying". This went on from age 24-31. I tried talking to her. Then arguing w her then screaming at her. Nothing worked.

 

Add the fact that I felt like her dad telling her not to go drinking every weekend and it gets old. ESP when she is Embarassing me drunk. No one wants to see their wife or a woman drunk on a frequent basis. It's a turn off. So I didn't go into it blindly. Things kinda turned on me. Learning lesson.

 

To AMarriedMan. Your 100% correct in your statment. Hindsight I see this Now. There is a huge difference between being BF gf compatible to being Marrige Compatible. I didn't know this at the time. Also she checked off a lot of the Boxes i was looking for. Being an A type personality I'm all about checking off boxes. One major box I left unchecked and didn't provide enough weight to is that we Didn't Ever Connect. We wouldn't see things through the Same Windows or views. She was very easy going so she would just agree w me push comes to shove or vice Versa to avoid conflict so the relationship was convienant. But the expectations change as u get older and advance into marriage. I learned that the hard way. As BF gf we got along at that age in time. It changed w marriage w age. W changing expectations l

[AMarriedMan]

To AMarriedMan. Your 100% correct in your statment. Hindsight I see this Now. There is a huge difference between being BF gf compatible to being Marrige Compatible. I didn't know this at the time. Also she checked off a lot of the Boxes i was looking for. Being an A type personality I'm all about checking off boxes. One major box I left unchecked and didn't provide enough weight to is that we Didn't Ever Connect. We wouldn't see things through the Same Windows or views. She was very easy going so she would just agree w me push comes to shove or vice Versa to avoid conflict so the relationship was convienant. But the expectations change as u get older and advance into marriage. I learned that the hard way. As BF gf we got along at that age in time. It changed w marriage w age. W changing expectations l

 

I wonder if there are any matchmaking sites on the net that make a serious effort to make their users carefully think about and answer questions about their personality, values, and life goals in sufficient depth to be able to find good matches in light of what science says about compatibility in areas that can really break a marriage. Throw in career prospects/income (more important for men), height (for men), BMI (more important for women) and you've got a good deal of information based on which to eliminate prospective members of the opposite sex.

[AMarriedMan]

And don't let your alcoholic childhood stop you from having a child. Because from experience i can tell you, yes, having children is damn hard.

 

Has OP indicated somewhere that he was raised by one or two parents who were alcoholics? Perhaps in another thread?

 

But people w children seem to be happier than people without.

 

I remember reading about a study, the result of which was that having children causes happiness to drop, on average, until the children grow up and leave the nest, at which point happiness tends to rise to a level a little higher than before having children and stay there.

 

Family is everything

 

That is an opinion not shared by everyone. It's up to everyone to decide these things for themselves.

 

Happiness (presence of positive feelings and absence of negative feelings) is not the only relevant measure of life quality. Meaning is another very important one. Having meaningful goals helps endure considerable hardship.

Edited April 6, 2016 by AMarriedMan

[Brady375]

Married, yes in my original post Mentally Checked Out??? I posted how growing up my mother who I love and have a great relationship w was a weekend drinker. Never during the week. Just the weekend but her personality would change and she wasn't the same person. The fights hay took place between her and my father were frequent and as I got older between me and her. She no longer drinks. But my current wife, every weekend drinking to atleast some capacity from wine with dinner to all out binge drinking. Only on the weekends but it's an issue I've explained countless times that it bothers me. Seeing ur wife passed out drunk is a turn off to me. Especially when she doesn't have her other areas of her life in order so that she can Help me build a life.

 

You brought up dating sites. Despite being away from her for 5months now dating is the last thing on my mind. I never have trouble meeting women. I just need to focus on this right now. My mind and conscious is clear. She complains I didn't go marriage counseling w her yet she was supposed to go to individual counseling on her own and had an excuse for quitting after just a couple sessions. She takes no responsibility. No kids 5yrs of marriage where I burden all the weight of providing and taking care of her as she does no heavy lifting. Sorry but not for me.

[AMarriedMan]

You brought up dating sites. Despite being away from her for 5months now dating is the last thing on my mind. I never have trouble meeting women. I just need to focus on this right now. My mind and conscious is clear. She complains I didn't go marriage counseling w her yet she was supposed to go to individual counseling on her own and had an excuse for quitting after just a couple sessions. She takes no responsibility. No kids 5yrs of marriage where I burden all the weight of providing and taking care of her as she does no heavy lifting. Sorry but not for me.

 

I brought up dating sites not to offer them as something for you to explore now but as a side note pertaining to how people pick partners for serious relationships.

 

I can very well understand why dating is the furthest thing from you mind right now.

 

If you don't love and respect her any longer, this is really a clear cut case. I don't think it is a smart idea to expect her to do a 180 and stay on course after five years. Depending on the state you live in, you might be liable to pay lifetime alimony after another five years. I think that is too much to risk with someone who has such a poor track record.

[Brady375]

AMarriedMan I 100% agree with you. I've been waiting for her to make changes then dropped this Serious Separation on her to Think If this doesn't Intice change nothing with. And it didn't. Gave it 4months. She blew it. She had it made.

 

Now I'm just trying to figure out how the rest of this will go. Giving her a week to see if she will be reasonable since I took care of her from day one as she tried to break into her career and she contributed to only paying for grocieries. We have no kids. Waiting to see if we can agree on things Within a Moral Compass or if she is going to be Grimey and come after things she didnt earn in any way like my retirement. W no kids i find it disgusting the courts would award her even a small percentage. She has a higher level of education then me.

[HopeForTomorrow]

The main beneficiaries of marriage are ex-wives who have the opportunity to first live on their husbands' dime as wives, then divorce them, and collect alimony and half of marital property, none of which benefits are interrupted by a new relationship so long as no remarriage occurs.

 

The main financial beneficiary of MY marriage was my ex-husband, who did all the things you just listed. So stop generalizing.

 

AMarriedMan I am waiting to see if we can agree on things Within a Moral Compass or if she is going to be Grimey and come after things she didnt earn in any way like my retirement. W no kids i find it disgusting the courts would award her even a small percentage. She has a higher level of education then me.

 

Level of education has NOTHING to do with it. You are the one who should have realized what you were doing YEARS ago. If you didn't, that's on you. No one else. She's entitled to what she is entitled to, legally. Your mental ethics mean nothing. You should have implemented those before if you expected them to mean something.

[Brady375]

Hope I totally understand. But prior to marriage this Was Brought up. I discussed a Pre Nup just for my Pension and if we had kids that would go out the window. She got upset and said exact word "I'm not with you for your money, I don't care about your pension." I loved her and that was good enough for me. I trusted her and didn't push the issue.

 

Idk IF she is going to Ask for that I'm just pointing out what everyone knows. Given my situation it would be grimey of her. Morally wrong. She would lose mutual friends over it. But I 100% know that that all means nothing when the courts get it. I know that. It's a tough situation.

[Carpe Diem]

You're not going to like what I say but here goes:

 

You should have two goals over the next year or so.

 

1) Settling with her financially. Your anger and resentment towards your wife regarding money seep through your posts, like an open wound. Unfortunately most of the posters here are pussyfooting around the truth, using words like "legal" "entitlements" etc. We know what is coming and you DO TOO. In almost all states, she is going to receive half of all the accrued value of assets from the day of your marriage. This includes not only your house but your pension, 401k's etc. if you're really unlucky, you could live in a state that backs this financial amalgamation from the point of common-law status. Which would be backdating 9 years, not just 5. There is nothing you can do about this.

 

My suggestion is to do the calculations yourself, ask her for how much she wants, and pray that her numbers are a lot less than yours. As an aside, I work in an industry with good pensions and the general rule of thumb is to never give up a portion of your pension. Sell your house if you have to and pay her in cash.

 

2) Move on and let go of the past.

 

This is so much easier said than done but when you do end up forking over hundreds of thousands of dollars, you are going to turn into a resentful, angry, hatred filled little ball of existence. You will then have two choices, let this negative energy feed and drive your life, so you waste your time on Earth with this ****, or truly let it go and move on. The famous quote, "the best revenge is living well', is very appropriate for your situation.

 

Sorry for your situation and good luck.

Notice I didn't touch on what's "moral" or "just." As other posters have said, it's irrelevant and it will(has) drive(en) you crazy.

 

PS a friend of mine just had this happen. She married a loser that everyone warned her about but she thought better. She finished her masters, got a 6 figure job in the oil industry, had two kids, etc etc. while her husband worked less than half the time over an 8 year period and never made more than $15/h. Closing in on 9 years, her husband tells her he wants a divorce and has a girlfriend he's been cheating on her with. He'd done his leg work ahead of time. He knew exactly what he was entitled to, half the house, half the retirement and half of everything else including 1.2 million she'd inherited from her successful parents, when her mother died a few years earlier. All told he walked away with close to a million dollars for being a whining, bitching, useless man-child for almost a decade. My friend was very very bitter and angry until she realized what it was costing her with her health, children, friends and enjoyment of life. She made the conscious decision to let it go and the person she freed from chains wasn't her ex but rather herself. This is why I say, suck it up, pay her what you legally have to and move on.

[Brady375]

Carpe....thanks for the post and I DID Like what you posted. I'm aware that all that you said is spot on and true. It's just frustrating and i guess im just blowing off steam that's all.

 

As far as my pension being together less than 6yrs I've been told if she asks shed get 10-12% of it. I do not plan on shelling out a lump sum to buy her out of that if it comes to that. Though over time she would get a ton more money idk what will happen to me tomorrow not to mention only a few years after retirement. If she is collecting only 300-350$ a pay check off my heafty pension check I wont care as much as I would if at This stage of my life I'd have to come up w 20k to buy her out. That would be crippling at the moment. I have guys I work w pass away only 2 yrs after retiring so who knows where I'll be tomorrow. I'd give her the small portion and then move up the ladder and most likely Stay working well past the min age of retiring.

 

I'm More than willing to help her out now and be Reasonable and give her several thousands. But if she does the wrong thing then she won't be leaving w Anything in hand. House is underwater in Both our names. Every tv appliance and vehicle I own was bought and paid for Before Marriage, and that's it. I was at a stage in my like in my 30s to Start making moves and buy a second house or start a Buisness outside of my job but I haven't yet. So there isn't much to go over. and no kids so no child supports. She can take what I'm reasonably offering now. Or if she wants as much as she can get from me she may get that small % and Hardly much else.

 

Sorry to hear about your friend. It's stories like that that make me feel that Not getting a Pre Nup and allowing the State to run how your estate is divided in the event of a divorce is such a terrible Idea. Marriage in a sense is a Buisness decision as much as it is about love. And your entering it with a Partner. Some are terrible Buisness partners lol. I learned a lot from this. Luckily either way I'm not going to get beat up in the divorce. Given my situation. I'm just big on Príncipe.

[maacus]

What is "fair" in the moral sense really has nothing to do with the division of marital assets. What matters is what is the law in your state.

 

So you have supported her while she tries to find herself; whose choice was that? I sense a bit of judgment on your part, since she is not like you, despite attaining higher education. So you make more than she does and obviously want to keep as much as you can, as you feel you are entitled. She's your wife. Does that mean nothing?

 

I sense a bit of judgement on your part. He has paid for practically everything in this marriage. Yes, legally she may by law get some things, but she is an entitled little "B*TCH" if she expects him to keep footing the bill. She made her bed, let her go lay in it. He's dealing with his own problems and shouldn't have to pay her way until the day she leaves this earth. Why would anyone feel so entitled?

[Brady375]

Marcus. Love you brother lol!!! I was thinking that but wouldn't say it. It's insane. But it is what it is. Today I came home to find a strange man Infront of my home. I said hey sir can I help u? Turned out he was at me house to serve me w divorce papers From her! Can u believe that? It's insane. Blind sided. Me. My texts to her have been 100% you tell me what You feel is reasonable and Fair I'm Open to it. I sent during convos probably 29 times. But she didn't want to hear. She didn't get her way so she's mad and is now going to be grimey. Idc what the letter of the law says. Sure by that standard she may get things but by a moral and common sense standard in a marriage where I paid her way for over a decade to support her 5 dating 6 married she should Owe Me money in back rent etc lol. Common sense i don't owe her anything I've done my part as a person and man to support my partner. But the courts will say otherwise.

 

She got an attorney and served me w no notice. Nothing. Real shady scumbag stuff and I don't talk like this on this site. She's clearer my mind by handling this way. No kids and she's like this. Her character is not what I want to deal w Cus I'd never handle this way w her. It's all good lol. Everything was bought and paid for before marriage. She'll fight for peanuts of alimony and pension. Summer is near and I wanted to be civil and Mature but I have a feeling her friends may be in bikinis at my house by June end. Lol. Poor choice on her part

[AMarriedMan]

Everything was bought and paid for before marriage. She'll fight for peanuts of alimony and pension. Summer is near and I wanted to be civil and Mature but I have a feeling her friends may be in bikinis at my house by June end. Lol. Poor choice on her part

 

Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. Talk to many divorce lawyers in your area, especially the good ones. They can't represent her even if you have only had one free initial consultation with them. The same applies to you, of course. Get your personal documents and valuables out of the house today. Cancel all joint credit cards immediately. If your wife comes up with a bogus domestic violence charge, you will be barred from going anywhere near your own house. Are you sure she's would not be capable of that? Is she going to move out of the house?

[Brady375]

AMarriedMan. When we Separated it was my choice do to her repeatedly crossing the line w the issues we had. I offered to leave as I'd never kick her out. I had a bag packed to go when she got home. When I explained this to her she immediately said She was leaving and I said ok, and she left. She has family here and I do not, so when we spoke the next day I let her know I appreciated her letting me stay. ESP since I flip the bill for everything. So she has been out of the house for several months.

 

Anytime she has wanted to come by I always left the house open for her and she came and went when needed. Once I made up my mind we weren't going to stay together I soon after found property at the house damaged. Since then I have locked the house and locked a door she does not have a key too so she can't get in. Luckily I did Cus she randomly showed up to the house a week ago wo telling me to get "her things" and she couldn't get in. She was mad but I explained every other time u came by you texted me in advance and the house was always open. Strange you just pop over. If I had know I would of left it open for you. I was not home so she couldn't get in and luckily so Cus a week later I get Snuck w divorce papers by her. So she had it planned. Now she isn't coming in the house wo written consent. I bought and paid for Everytiing in this house so nothing's leaving she's beat. She hasn't lived here in several months. Shady behavior.

 

And no she won't make up fake charges, and im too smart to give her any ammo for that To even be a possibility. Since I was served without any notice by her after we had several convos prior to that I Have not and will Not Contact her or answer her if she contacts me. Married less then 6yrs. She'll get some Hand Outs from me but she won't get much. If she wants part of my pension she'll have to wait until I retire I'm not buying her out of it. Idc what the $300 or so a pay check adds up to over the years. She can have that small amount if she wants it bi weekly. Not shelling out thousands to her now while we're still realativley young. She'll be leaving w little to no money in hand. I refi the house a few years ago and being a good guy despite her not paying for a thing yet due to lack of getting her career go

[Brady375]

AMarriedMan. When we Separated it was my choice do to her repeatedly crossing the line w the issues we had. I offered to leave as I'd never kick her out. I had a bag packed to go when she got home. When I explained this to her she immediately said She was leaving and I said ok, and she left. She has family here and I do not, so when we spoke the next day I let her know I appreciated her letting me stay. ESP since I flip the bill for everything. So she has been out of the house for several months.

 

Anytime she has wanted to come by I always left the house open for her and she came and went when needed. Once I made up my mind we weren't going to stay together I soon after found property at the house damaged. Since then I have locked the house and locked a door she does not have a key too so she can't get in. Luckily I did Cus she randomly showed up to the house a week ago wo telling me to get "her things" and she couldn't get in. She was mad but I explained every other time u came by you texted me in advance and the house was always open. Strange you just pop over. If I had know I would of left it open for you. I was not home so she couldn't get in and luckily so Cus a week later I get Snuck w divorce papers by her. So she had it planned. Now she isn't coming in the house wo written consent. I bought and paid for Everytiing in this house so nothing's leaving she's beat. She hasn't lived here in several months. Shady behavior.

 

And no she won't make up fake charges, and im too smart to give her any ammo for that To even be a possibility. Since I was served without any notice by her after we had several convos prior to that I Have not and will Not Contact her or answer her if she contacts me. Married less then 6yrs. She'll get some Hand Outs from me but she won't get much. If she wants part of my pension she'll have to wait until I retire I'm not buying her out of it. Idc what the $300 or so a pay check adds up to over the years. She can have that small amount if she wants it bi weekly. Not shelling out thousands to her now while we're still realativley young. She'll be leaving w little to no money in hand. I refi the house a few years ago and being a good guy despite her not paying for a thing yet due to lack of getting her career going i put her name on the house. Turns out good karma Cus the house dumped and is negatively equity tens of thousands and half of that debt is hers.

 

I was more than willing to talk to her and told her several times you tell me what you think is fair I'm open to it and there's no need for things to get ugly we don't have kids. Then she drops papers on me w no notice and has an attorney. Ok lol no problem.....that's how she wants it. Bad karma. In the end she'll be living w her parents still having accomplished little to nothing yet w her own life. She's mad Cus wo me and what I provided she has little to show for herself. She should of thought about that before she took lil to no responsibility for her actions/ drinking/ and complete lack of getting her career going so she could help me build Our Life together. Good riddens.

 

This is annoying and stressful and not what I had planned for my life but I'm Happy and super excited for this summer. Thanks for the Post.