"Don't contact me again."

[HelenaTroy]

I'm curious how other people use or interpret this statement, in the context of a break-up.

 

Personally, while I prefer to go no contact at the end of a relationship, I've never actually said these words to anyone I've broken up with. I simply stop contacting them. If they contact me, I ignore it, or I tell them that I'm not interested in remaining friends. If they persist, I block them.

 

However, I was recently on the receiving end of this statement, and while I decided to take it at face value, I can't help but wonder if it is something of a ***** test. If I disregard his request, then I'm being insensitive or disrespectful. If I comply, that just proves that I never really gave a damn in the first place. (My lack of emotional investment -- or at least, his perception thereof -- was the primary reason for the break-up.)

 

If you really don't want to hear from me, why not just block me? Why leave it up to me at all?

[Simon Phoenix]

If it gets to the point of where they are saying "Don't contact me" it's not a test. It means they don't want to speak with you.

[LostOnes05]

Some people blow smoke from you know where. A girl told me to stop texting/talking to her, I did...she sent me texts the next day as if nothing happened. I realized she was a liar and a bit batty, but that was a new one.

[mightycpa]

If I comply, that just proves that I never really gave a damn in the first place. (My lack of emotional investment -- or at least, his perception thereof -- was the primary reason for the break-up.)

I'm not sure why you'd think that. Things change over time, including your level of emotional investment. Even if he thinks that is so, who cares what he thinks? You know the truth, whatever it is.

If you really don't want to hear from me, why not just block me? Why leave it up to me at all?

Maybe he wanted to be crystal clear, so there'd be no confusion. Maybe, just maybe, he thinks you're both capable and willing to honor such a request. I'd take it as a sign of his respect for you.

[SammySammy]

I said those words to my last ex and I meant exactly what I said.

 

She wanted to remain "friends" after our breakup, but she was using our "friendship" as a way to hurt me. I got tired of that. So ... "don't contact me again".

 

She hasn't. Thankfully.

[guest569]

I think you just have to take their word for it and respect that. If they say it and don't mean it then it's on them.

[Zapbasket]

I had an ex say that to me: "I request that you stop contacting me." It was couched in a devastatingly cold email that left me reeling for months. I had to take his words at face value, and though I struggled for a long time to do so, eventually I accepted that I'd never hear from him and probably never see him again.

 

I moved across the country. And lo and behold, one year and seven months after his crushing email, my ex called me. "Just calling to say hi," he said anxiously over my voicemail. "I really hope we can talk in the near future."

 

It pissed me off. How dare he, I thought, say something as destructive and harsh as all the things he said in that last email, and then think that he still could call me after saying such things? It showed that he had NO idea how terribly hurtful and destructive his words were. I never called him back, and he never tried again, and that pissed me off, too.

 

This I share as an example of how sometimes people slam doors, but it doesn't mean they keep them slammed shut forever. He may mean he doesn't want to hear from you again NOW, but a year or two from now he may not remember even saying or even thinking such a thing.

 

Of course, the experience I had with that ex really messed me up with my most recent ex, because I spent a long time after the breakup expecting to hear from him, and 2.5 years later, I never have. I guess it's just best to assume that when someone coldly cuts you out of their life, they mean it.

[keiji]

I think you just have to take their word for it and respect that. If they say it and don't mean it then it's on them.

 

Totally agreed. When someone is that categorical, they must take responsibility for it. Unless there's been cheating, abuse or something like that, I think most of the time it's people's way to demand attention and test how far you're willing to go for them. Sometimes you really feel you don't want to hear from that person again and then change your mind as bad blood recedes and you move on. It's hard to tell.

[privategal]

The dont contact me could be his protection ie. I dont want to see or hear you cry and its easier for me to push down my guilt and emotion if you just disappear so I don't have to face it or explain my actions.

[BC1980]

I would take it at face value. It's true that he might try to contact you in the future, but, for right now, take it at face value. Most people probably aren't trying to play games if they say to stop contacting them.

[swang]

I was the dumpee, and after a few months of maintaining contact, I asked my ex to not contact me unless she is sure about what she wants. It was a painful thing to say, and probably a painful thing to hear.

 

From my own perspective, I do wish to hear from her. It just got to a point where I was tired of playing games (who replies to who faster, ignoring etc.). That was when I decided to take care of myself before the rest of my work/personal life crashes down too.

 

More of a protective mechanism than anything.

[Emilia]

I would assume the person meant it and I would respect how they felt. You obviously hurt him enough.

[dyna85]

If someone said don't contact me again, I would take it at face value. To say 'do not contact me again,' is basically putting a wall up against you, and I would just be like.. 'okay, I guess they don't want to hear from me again then' and it would probably anger/hurt me enough to keep me to stick to my guns and not contact the person.

 

I can see how your justifications come into play, and I think it would make sense if it were something less permanent than 'don't contact me again.' If the person said, 'I can't talk to you right now' and hung up, then you might try back later after giving the person time to cool off, but this person is basically cutting you off completely by saying what he said. That is not a comment someone should make lightly, expecting the other person to still persist with trying to make amends.

 

If he takes it as hurtful that you never try after that, then if he were self-aware he would reflect on the fact that you merely did as he told you, and if he doesn't realize this, then that's his problem, not yours. You're just abiding by his wishes and showing respect in doing so.

[mightycpa]

I would just add one thing. Being completely out of contact, especially after many years have passed by, is the natural state of two people who have ended a romantic relationship. So really, with a request like that, all you're doing is accelerating the inevitable natural conclusion.

[katiegrl]

I'm curious how other people use or interpret this statement, in the context of a break-up.

 

Personally, while I prefer to go no contact at the end of a relationship, I've never actually said these words to anyone I've broken up with. I simply stop contacting them. If they contact me, I ignore it, or I tell them that I'm not interested in remaining friends. If they persist, I block them.

 

However, I was recently on the receiving end of this statement, and while I decided to take it at face value, I can't help but wonder if it is something of a ***** test. If I disregard his request, then I'm being insensitive or disrespectful. If I comply, that just proves that I never really gave a damn in the first place.

 

 

 

 

***(My lack of emotional investment -- or at least, his perception thereof -- was the primary reason for the break-up.)

 

 

^^ Can you elaborate on this? So you broke up because he did not feel you were emotionally invested?

 

If so then IMO his *don't contact me* is coming from a place of anger and hurt.

 

And it is possible he may truly feel the opposite of that.... and actually wants you to contact him, to prove you *are* emotionally invested.

 

When angry and hurt, I have said the same thing, worse even. Like "get out, I never want to speak to you again, etc". Later when calm again, I apologize of course I didn't mean those things.

 

It's all coming from a place of hurt and anger.

 

The answer -- don't contact him. My guess is he will regret saying it and end up contacting you!

[JDam]

^^ Can you elaborate on this? So you broke up because he did not feel you were emotionally invested?

 

If so then IMO his *don't contact me* is coming from a place of anger and hurt.

 

And it is possible he may truly feel the opposite of that.... and actually wants you to contact him, to prove you *are* emotionally invested.

 

When angry and hurt, I have said the same thing, worse even. Like "get out, I never want to speak to you again, etc". Later when calm again, I apologize of course I didn't mean those things.

 

It's all coming from a place of hurt and anger.

 

The answer -- don't contact him. My guess is he will regret saying it and end up contacting you!

When me and my ex broke up, I said "I want you to get out of my life for good." He said "you are making a fool of yourself, are you saying that to make me stay?" It meant exactly what I said.

 

I proved it by never ever contacting him again and removing basically all traits of him everywhere. He got in touch after 3 months and said "I know you said you want me out of your life and removed everything related to me from fcb... BUT I just wanted to say bla bla bla"

 

Got in touch again after 9 months, we met up after about 10 months, wanted to be "friends" on his own terms and accused me of wanting to reconcile when I did not. I was just fed up with him. I said "forget about me for good and dont ever contact me again".

 

When I said that, I really meant it. I really did.

[PrettyEmily77]

I agree that 'Don't ever contact me' sounds a little over-dramatic.

 

Whenever I initiated a break-up/nc, I just said 'I won't be contacting you again' or something along those lines, implying that what they did was up to them and I didn't care either way.

 

Regardless, don't contact him again.

[Zapbasket]

The thing about cold words like, "Don't contact me ever again" is that even if no contact is the ultimate inevitable result of a broken romantic relationship, such words really pack a punch and hurt for a long, long time. Much more so than the fact or the idea of falling out of each others' lives. I remember when my 2007 ex broke up with me, he was unduly angry and mean and I said, "So what are you saying? That you never want to see me again?" and he replied, "Basically, yeah." It hurts just to remember that moment, the way my heart sank and my mouth went slack and dry in disbelief. Those words were like a scarlet letter on my psyche, for a very long time.

 

It's not necessary to hurt anyone with such cruel words. A breakup hurts enough as it is, especially when one person didn't want it, or didn't see it coming.

 

It's like with my most recent ex: we never spoke again in 2.5 years, but his mom was determined to keep up with me, bought me birthday and Christmas presents, called, asked to meet for drinks and such, and I always reciprocated because I loved her and even though it hurt to see her, I cared about her too much to push her away. But gradually, our contact has dwindled, and now I am hopeful that it is done because even though nothing has changed regarding how much I love her, I just want to move on with my life and the contact is too painful a reminder to keep up. Perhaps our contact over the past few years delayed my healing, but it enabled me to let her go still feeling honored and valued as a person. In sum, I think that gradual process, natural and inevitable as it perhaps was, was a healing agent in the long-term, even while it hurt greatly in the short-term.

 

I see no reason not to be kind and loving to people, even if they no longer fit into our lives and we need and want to move on from them. I would never want anyone harboring a memory of cruel parting words coming from my mouth.

[JDam]

I dont really understand why it is being seen by some as over dramatic. I think that if you were truly hurt and need to heal you should be really clear about what you want. Dont ever contact me again is not saying go **** yourself, no yelling or screaming. It is just you being very clear about what you want and they should respect that.

[Emilia]

I dont really understand why it is being seen by some as over dramatic. I think that if you were truly hurt and need to heal you should be really clear about what you want. Dont ever contact me again is not saying go **** yourself, no yelling or screaming. It is just you being very clear about what you want and they should respect that.

 

Yeah I don't get that either. It's a break up.

[katiegrl]

When me and my ex broke up, I said "I want you to get out of my life for good." He said "you are making a fool of yourself, are you saying that to make me stay?" It meant exactly what I said.

 

I proved it by never ever contacting him again and removing basically all traits of him everywhere. He got in touch after 3 months and said "I know you said you want me out of your life and removed everything related to me from fcb... BUT I just wanted to say bla bla bla"

 

Got in touch again after 9 months, we met up after about 10 months, wanted to be "friends" on his own terms and accused me of wanting to reconcile when I did not. I was just fed up with him. I said "forget about me for good and dont ever contact me again".

 

When I said that, I really meant it. I really did.

 

Wow you must have been *really* hurt and angry! Which turned to "fed up, goodbye, NEXT".

 

Don't know the specifics of your break up, but good for you for never going back!

[PrettyEmily77]

I dont really understand why it is being seen by some as over dramatic. I think that if you were truly hurt and need to heal you should be really clear about what you want. Dont ever contact me again is not saying go **** yourself, no yelling or screaming. It is just you being very clear about what you want and they should respect that.

 

Because unless they are at very serious fault or you are in life-threatening danger, you shouldn't really tell someone what to do, IMO.

 

If an ex I don't want to hear from breaks NC of his own accord (it's happened to me more than once), I blank them. No threats, yelling or double-guessing. People change, though: my first bf broke NC 2 years after the break-up, we were both in a good place at that time and we are now on friendly terms - that was about 20 years ago.

 

You can't be bad or angry at someone forever.

[Zapbasket]

Yeah I don't get that either. It's a break up.

 

Because the breakup itself already communicates it. Also, declaring what you want forevermore is melodramatic, yes, because the only thing you know with certainty is that you don't want to speak to or see that person NOW and for the foreseeable future.

 

The reason that ex-boyfriend I posted about in this thread pissed me off when he contacted me 1 year and 7 months after telling me not ever to contact him and that he never wanted to see or speak to me again is that he said those devastating things and then here he was, his anger more under control, contacting me. If you're going to say something so cruel, you'd better be damned sure you follow through on it and never reach out to the person. The reason it sounds not only melodramatic but also immature, frankly, to say, "Don't ever contact me again," is that feelings and perspectives change over time, in ways no one can foresee. Life is just too short to burn bridges. Cross the bridge, alone if you need to, and keep walking away, but don't turn around with a stick of dynamite and blast the bridge to smithereens: you never know whether your path might lead you back to this spot in some form or other.

[katiegrl]

When breaking up, IMO apathy and indifference sends a stronger message, then an emotional "don't ever contact me again," or the like.

 

I understand it though, done it myself.

 

Sometimes I meant it, sometimes I didn't.

 

But in any event, it's an emotional response which reflects hurt and anger.

 

Why give the person you are breaking up with that?

 

Indifference is better.....you no longer care, you don't affect me. I am done, goodbye, good luck with your life, next.

 

JMO.

[Blanco]

Unless the person was an abuser/cheater/monster and has continued to harass you post-breakup, then telling them to never contact you again seems over-dramatic. And I say this as a huge advocate of No Contact. In these cases, I would guess those words are rooted in hurt and anger as much as any other emotion. So, in a sense, over-dramatic.

 

I've told exes that I just don't think it's a good idea to be in communication post-breakup. Most agree or at least oblige. That doesn't mean there haven't been times when I felt like saying something like "Don't ever contact me again." But those instances have always been fueled by my own sense of hurt or anger about the situation.

 

I have found that most well-adjusted exes will fade away either on their own or by your suggestion that contact is not ideal. Not a huge fan of the scorched earth mentality.