183 days 'NC': reappearance of the xMM

[Adoraxx]

It's been 183 days of 'NC' except for a few run ins (he's my neighbor).

 

The first run in was after almost 40 days of NC: I ran into him on the street corner. This is where he said that he likes no contact because "it's so nice and quiet, no discussions." This run in only lasted for, like, 2 minutes. He lied and said that he'll "come by some time".

 

The second run in was after 80+ days of NC: I ran into him when he suddenly came out of his backyard when I had to walk past. He pretended not to see me at first but then he congratulated me on some event and again he lied that he will "come by some time". Again, it was a very brief encounter, 1 1/2 mins max

 

The third run in was after 50+ days of NC: this hasn't been all that long ago and he acted very cold and uncomfortable when he saw me, didn't even look at me and like I said, he was so so so very cold. I treated him like he's just 'another neighbor' and didn't ask "why didn't you come by?" because by now I know he's a liar and I know he won't give truthful answers.

 

And then I had a mini run-in a week ago where I just said "hi" in my most neutral uninterested voice and kept moving, and where he said "hellooo" in his most bored voice as if he truly wishes me dead (meanwhile, W was nearby but she was on the phone).

 

During all this time (the long NC) I've felt terribly sad (still do) and crushed and confused and I felt like I was dead to him or something. He has gone disappearing on me many many times and this was the longest time ever. I truly thought I would NEVER hear from him again (except for a few run ins).

 

And then yesterday evening, on April's Fool's Day of all days, I went to bed a little later than I usually do, and suddenly an email from the xMM came in. He hasn't emailed me for at least 7 months.

 

The email said: "Hello Adoraxx."

 

That's all. Hello. How typical. I've read this on several websites how lazy men will use a "hey" or "hello" email. (The xMM has done this in the past too).

 

Anyway, let's do a little quiz to see why he emailed me:

 

a) he wants sex

b) he wants control

c) he felt bored

d) he had a fight with W

e) his possible new OW dumped him

f) he wanted to joke around on April's Fool's Day

g) it's Spring and something sprung up in his pants

h) he realized he can't live without me (haha just kidding, people!!)

i) he couldn't find new supply

j) he wants an ego boost

k) he noticed that my car was gone the other day on an unusual time and he's curious and wonders if I'm with someone new/ wonders if I'm going to relocate

 

 

OK , I guess we all know the answer(s).

 

If anything , this makes me more determined that I want to relocate asap!!! (A little background: the A began 8 years ago)

 

Like I said, over the years I've cried so so so many tears over this man and I still miss him like crazy even though I don't know why (must be the trauma bonds I suppose). The way he has treated me is something that I would NEVER do to another person. And I still have so many questions and honestly, I'm curious with what 'excuse' he'll come up this time for his longest disappearance ever. For now I won't do anything though and I'll pretend that I haven't seen his "hello" email.

 

But since he's here in my neighborhood, I'm not sure what else he'll do. I feel so very uncomfortable in this neighborhood and town and I hate it.

 

I suppose it's true what they say on so many websites and that's that they all reappear.............. (OK maybe not you, Jenkins )

[TaraMaiden2]

So first of all you lied

(you haven't been in NC all that long. Your NC starts from the last moment you engaged in any form of interaction with him. So all this 183 days of NC is baloney.)

 

Every time you see each other and there's a direct verbal connection between you - NC is broken.

 

This is why you still feel 'crushed and broken'. Because the agony is being prolonged.

 

The quiz is pointless, because the 'why' is pointless.

The fact is, you should delete, block, deny and not even be ion a position to receive emails - or anything else - from him, let alone read them.

 

Please read the NC Guide in my signature.

THAT is what NC is. None of this fleeting couple of words every now and then....

 

Start looking for somewhere else to live.

[anyonecandoit]

After reading your story and thinking about myself right now, I think I should never ever get myself trapped, since I know that if I give him an opportunity, my story could probably also last another 10 years.

 

Like what my best friend told me again and again, if a man loves you, he should already have left her. You should wear the ring. You should sleep with him in his house. You should be the official girlfriend on his facebook. If you have none of them, LEAVE, no matter what! Actually I repeat this to me everyday right now until I will get fully recovered, however painful I feel right now.

[Adoraxx]

So first of all you lied

(you haven't been in NC all that long. Your NC starts from the last moment you engaged in any form of interaction with him. So all this 183 days of NC is baloney.)

 

Every time you see each other and there's a direct verbal connection between you - NC is broken.

 

This is why you still feel 'crushed and broken'. Because the agony is being prolonged.

 

The quiz is pointless, because the 'why' is pointless.

The fact is, you should delete, block, deny and not even be ion a position to receive emails - or anything else - from him, let alone read them.

 

Please read the NC Guide in my signature.

THAT is what NC is. None of this fleeting couple of words every now and then....

 

Start looking for somewhere else to live.

 

Hi Tara,

 

That's why I put the ' ' in my title around 'NC'. I know it's not NC so that's why I wrote it like that. But for me, I had to do it that way and keep track of it in that way.

 

I agree with you that NC gets broken every time and it's because he lives so nearby and yes, I do believe that the agony is being prolonged because of that. And that is why I am looking for a place to live far away from here.

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

p.s. I only put the quiz there for fun, I know it's pointless.

p.s. I also know that I should block emails but I can't very well block his 'live presence' in the neighborhood and since I can't put any electronic fencing around the house, I want to be prepared. I will block him once I have moved (and no, that's not an excuse!!! ;-))

[anyonecandoit]

Another thing I want to tell you is that, if you decide to do something, make sure you do it, and do it well! I found that you seem to be very indecisive on this. Actually, I have the problem myself as well, but I feel like right now I just have the last bit of vulnerability in my heart, I think it will go away quickly!

 

What makes me believe I can do it is my past experience. When I first came to the US, I carried only less than 2000 dollars with me. I finished my degree without asking my parents a penny(actually they don't have anything). In one semester, I got all As(actually I got almost all As on most of my courses) in all the courses(in one course, only two people got A). And I had to do two jobs in that semester to pay for the tuition and living expense. To save money, I used only 500 dollars a month(including everything, rent, eating, cell phone, etc). I have been living the life of sleeping only 4 hours a day for more than one year. When I think of all those right now and think about where I am, I know one voice is echoed in my head, if you have suffered so much to get the degree and get a job and you have potential to make a much bigger impact in your life and probably other people's lives, what are you doing here? Wasting your best time on a person who could give you nothing!!!

 

I know you probably don't have my experience, actually I don't even know how old you're, probably I'm younger than you, but it doesn't matter about age. It's about your decision, who you want to be, what you want to achieve in your life. The way I warn myself is that, if you die tomorrow, hope you don't regret the life that you have experienced.

 

Be strong! Be determined! If you think leaving to another city is a possible solution, then do it! When I came to the US, I carried two suite cases with me without knowing anyone here and I have survived!

 

I am telling myself every day now that I can do it. I hope you can do it as well. I hope after a while, you could find a new self in you and have a peaceful life.

[Adoraxx]

Thanks anyonecandoit!!! I am VERY determined to move. The sooner the better. House prices are extremely high here so I have to prepare myself but I'm 100% determined that I want to move and I want this move to happen THIS year.

 

I hope you can stay as far away from the MM as you possibly can. Just like you told me: YOU CAN DO IT!!! You're a strong person and I know you will make it

 

Hugs,

Adoraxx

[anyonecandoit]

Thanks anyonecandoit!!! I am VERY determined to move. The sooner the better. House prices are extremely high here so I have to prepare myself but I'm 100% determined that I want to move and I want this move to happen THIS year.

 

I hope you can stay as far away from the MM as you possibly can. Just like you told me: YOU CAN DO IT!!! You're a strong person and I know you will make it

 

Hugs,

Adoraxx

 

Hugggggg!!! Believe we will all make it. Everyone deserves a better future and deserves to be treated with respect. We can still live a better tomorrow. For me, the MM thinks that he could probably destroy my world by doing all these things to me and then going back to him seeking for protection. But I won't! As long as I don't die, everything is determined by me but not by you. So keep your mind in a safe place and don't let anyone try to control it!!!

Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[imperfectangel]

I disagree with the NC "rules". No amount of rules will suit everyone.

 

I refuse to block mm's email as I'll only know if I'm truly done if I can trust myself not to use it.

 

Also it's not really fair to say OP is lying over NC being broken. When you live that close to someone you cannot say as and when you will bump into each other; it's not like she reached out to him

 

OP just do the best you can before you can move, you know need to move but it's not always that simple.

 

DO not reply to his email; if you feel you need to block then do so because that's what's best for you not because that's what some rules tell you to do

[Adoraxx]

I disagree with the NC "rules". No amount of rules will suit everyone.

 

I refuse to block mm's email as I'll only know if I'm truly done if I can trust myself not to use it.

 

Also it's not really fair to say OP is lying over NC being broken. When you live that close to someone you cannot say as and when you will bump into each other; it's not like she reached out to him

 

OP just do the best you can before you can move, you know need to move but it's not always that simple.

 

DO not reply to his email; if you feel you need to block then do so because that's what's best for you not because that's what some rules tell you to do

 

Awww that's right, imperfectangel. Thanks for your reply. I know that if I would block the xMM now, that I would constantly block and unblock and block and unblock so that's of no use either. Thanks for saying that you think that I didn't really lie over NC being broken, that means a lot to me. I'm coping with things in the best way I possibly can, and last summer I literally didn't leave my house or backyard out of fear that I would run into him.

 

But I can't keep on doing this. It drove me crazy and it's another form of control he had over me . He even told me the last time I spoke to him for a bit longer (this was 183 days ago): "I never see you outside anymore!" and I told him that it hurt too much to see him and his cold face and that I couldn't cope with it. I'm sure this gave him massive ego boost but well, it's true.

 

Anyway, like you said, I will do the best I can for now.

Thanks again !!

 

Hugs

[Adoraxx]

Something else.... The reason why I didn't ignore him completely during the few run ins that I had, is because I know myself and I know I tend to obsess about things.

 

For example, if I would have put my nose in the air and wouldn't have said anything while he said hello (for me this is a truly awful thing to do to another person, even to xMM) , I would obsess about it until the degree that *I* would reach out to him again (and I would have broken 'NC' for real then) to make sure that *I* didn't do 'anything wrong', that I didn't 'hurt his feelings'.

 

Those are things I shouldn't obsess about but I do. I've always done this in regards to him, and perhaps with other people too but mostly with him because he is very manipulative.

 

We've had 'discussions' (that's how he called it) in the past where he always blamed me for things that I never even did and it drove me to the point that I wanted to commit suicide. Same with him giving me the silent treatment.

 

If he gives me silent treatment after I did something 'wrong' (like ignoring him or yelling at him or whatever) , it's even worse than if he gives me silent treatment while I know for sure that I haven't done anything wrong for sure. That's why I mostly stayed silent later on or made sure that I thought long and hard before I said anything.

 

I want to live and I don't want to ever feel so crazy again that I'm completely near the point of ending my life as the only way to end the pain - it's already unbearable enough as it is.

 

So, that's why I'm dealing with things the way I do. I know it's all warped but well, this is how I am.

[elaine567]

The very fact you know it is 183 days since you started "NC" means he is occupying more of your thought processes than he should.

 

It is now SIX MONTHS later and you feel the need to compose little lists on the internet about what it means when he has emailed you?????

 

From what you have written on LS threads, the man had no respect for you whatsoever and used you like an escort so why on earth are you "crushed and broken" over him?

[Forceawakensme]

Honey i am away on vacation with my cousins so barely any time to read the forum or post but i had to log in when i saw this to quickly post:

 

two words -- BROWN TEETH!!!!

 

<-- not white like these ones, BROWN!!

 

 

PS -- Go back and read our thread about all his grotesque traits (pointing out your butt is too small, what he did in your kitchen... basically what an animal he is and how he doesn't deserve to be in your presence much less write an arrogant two word email like 'hello XXX" -- Arrogant because it basically sounds like a drum roll... 'im bacccccckkkk.. you lucky thing, you... ) -- Gross!

 

BIg hugs and write more when im back --- <3

[Adoraxx]

Honey i am away on vacation with my cousins so barely any time to read the forum or post but i had to log in when i saw this to quickly post:

 

two words -- BROWN TEETH!!!!

 

<-- not white like these ones, BROWN!!

 

 

PS -- Go back and read our thread about all his grotesque traits (pointing out your butt is too small, what he did in your kitchen... basically what an animal he is and how he doesn't deserve to be in your presence much less write an arrogant two word email like 'hello XXX" -- Arrogant because it basically sounds like a drum roll... 'im bacccccckkkk.. you lucky thing, you... ) -- Gross!

 

BIg hugs and write more when im back --- <3

 

LOL Force!!!!! haha thanks for the reminder, loved the emoticon with the WHITE teeth!!! So funny!!! Thanks for your post, hun, I hope you'll have a great vacation , hugs!!!

[Adoraxx]

The very fact you know it is 183 days since you started "NC" means he is occupying more of your thought processes than he should.

 

It is now SIX MONTHS later and you feel the need to compose little lists on the internet about what it means when he has emailed you?????

 

From what you have written on LS threads, the man had no respect for you whatsoever and used you like an escort so why on earth are you "crushed and broken" over him?

 

Elaine, I'm not 'composing little lists on the internet about what it means when he has emailed me'. It wasn't a SERIOUS list.

 

I know what it means and well, if I would feel all great and wonderful, I wouldn't be posting obviously and I wouldn't be hanging around on LS. Don't you think I know that he is occupying more of my thoughts than he should? Believe me, I know.

[elaine567]

Elaine, I'm not 'composing little lists on the internet about what it means when he has emailed me'. It wasn't a SERIOUS list.

 

YOU can try to minimise it and put a comic spin on it all you want now, but you still spent time thinking "why? why? why?" and composing it.

[Adoraxx]

Sure I do and did , but I was not seriously expecting anyone to participate in the 'quiz'. I regret posting this thread ok, so please move on to other threads, thank you very much.

[imperfectangel]

Elaine, I'm not 'composing little lists on the internet about what it means when he has emailed me'. It wasn't a SERIOUS list.

 

I know what it means and well, if I would feel all great and wonderful, I wouldn't be posting obviously and I wouldn't be hanging around on LS. Don't you think I know that he is occupying more of my thoughts than he should? Believe me, I know.

 

You sound a lot like me and tbh I laughed when i read the list. It was a joke. I think OP and I have the same sense of humour

[LivingWaterPlease]

Adoraxx, I haven't followed your story, just saw this thread and the info in it. You are doing amazingly well to live near your exMM and have remained NC for 183 days!

 

That's right, NC. Your intent and effort has been to stay completely away from him and it seems to me you have bumped into him in ways and at times that have been out of your control.

 

Also, what a great list you wrote out to help you process! Whether it was facetious or not the list seemed to me to make sense as a way to process what you're going through.

 

Keep on keepin' on! You're doing great!

[Forceawakensme]

Sure I do and did , but I was not seriously expecting anyone to participate in the 'quiz'. I regret posting this thread ok, so please move on to other threads, thank you very much.

 

No hon! --- dont regret it --- Arnt we told to vent and post on here with our thoughts? -- Not sure why some people say 'why are you obsessing' on here... when this is the healthy place to vent no? --- Imagine if a therapist said 'why are you talking about all your issues all the time here?" --- thats the point -- venting healthily!. Its much better than falling back into the affair!

 

 

Of course, if you were hiding outside his bushes staring into his bedroom every night... or covering your walls in photos of him (and his brown teeth) then i'd have other advice

[Forceawakensme]

Also -- i cringe when people chastise people when they have opened themselves up, making themselves so vulnerable with their pain .. maybe even adding humor to it as a way to cope ---- Who wants to get slaughtered at that vulnerable moment? --- Gently does it, i say.

 

Adoraxx.. You are doing great as long as you dont respond to his email! Thats a huge step. of course the long term goal is to move away and put him in your rear view...

 

Just remember, (as bufo said) ---- "He who cares less, wins" -- He has given away his power by writing you that email --- KEEP the power and dont respond. YOu can sleep well at night knowing you left things with you rejecting him and you are walking away CHOOSING not to engage this time. Head up high.. you are the better person.. (with whiter teeth too!):

[burnt]

Sure I do and did , but I was not seriously expecting anyone to participate in the 'quiz'. I regret posting this thread ok, so please move on to other threads, thank you very much.

 

Hi Adoraxx,

Well, I'm glad you composed the quiz. It was hilarious actually (especially parts g & h).

 

It cracked me up--so thanks for the laugh.

 

The other reason I'm glad you put that quiz up is that finding a way to laugh even for a silly reason when you're hurting is actually a great healing method.

 

Elaine,

You're right, the asking of the "why, why, why" is so unproductive, but the mind has it's own mind when you're suffering. When NC has been broken with such a vacant mysterious pithy message, it's only natural to wonder 'why'.

 

But Adoraxx, I iterate what Elaine said, that you should focus on the list of all the horrible things he has done to you.

In fact, you should add all these instances where he broke NC with you with ZERO regards for what that would do to your healing.

 

After everything, this man had the cold thoughtless audacity to send a "hello …" email on April Fool's Day.

 

So, Adoraxx, since you cannot undo what he did,

how about say to yourself that you should be thankful to xMM for sending you this message, because

 

this message truly LOUDLY clearly states

that playing games with someone's heart and

knowingly causing pain to someone once close to him

is nothing more than a

April Fool's Day JOKE to this man.

 

And finally,

Adoraxx,

 

Have heart. Be kind to the xMM. Be very kind to the xMM.

You had to suffer the April Fool's Day JOKE on ONLY April Fool's Day.

 

This poor man, on the other had, is living the April Fool's Day JOKE everyday, living the life of a lier--every.single.day.

[William]

Thread closed at the request of the OP.

 

Adoraxx, you may reopen this thread for further discussion by sending an alert on this post. ~Thank you