The Other Woman **Updated**

[bootbrook]

hello,,this is my first post.

As the other woman I have nobody in my real world to talk to .

I am a happily married woman , he is a happily married man . Weird ?

We were wildly in love when we were in our 20s. circumstances tore us apart .

Over the years , ( we are both 50 now ) we have come together but never right timing for one or the other .The love has always been there for both of us. we met again a few months ago after approx. a year of not having contact . its been crazy, only one physical meeting but texting for 3-4 hours late in every night . neither of us are prepared to leave our spouses but the love we have for each other does not go away . Why?

now he is having a health crisis and I cant even be there for him . Its horrible .

I would not choose this for anyone but so hard to stay away .

Edited April 2, 2016 by bootbrook
not finished.

[bootbrook]

We talked about leaving together and starting new with each other but its not good for our families who we love to pieces .

We have children , grandchildren . We both have great careers in different cities . Thank goodness we are in different cities . We only actually see each other occasionally , but want to so much more .

I have nobody to share my feelings with , I know its not right but I just cant help myself with this man , and him with me .

Are we so wrong to share with each other occasionally , and not hurt our families.

My husband is treated very well by me , I love him very much and he loves me .

Is it possible to love two people ?

I can say its lonely not being able to share my thoughts and feelings with anyone , and its horrible right now that I cannot run to be with him as he goes through this health scare .

Thank you for reading,

[privategal]

Hi there.

You will hear no lectures from me on morality or the risk to your spouses.

I want to talk to you about you.

You may very well love eachother, my guess is its fairytale, affair bubble love though which is different, it lives in a bubble, the bubble usually bursts, the "love" dies, it ends.

Im not going to tell you to end this, I just want to prepare you, I know first hand the cloud 9 you are living on, I know it feels VERY wonderful and overwhelming.

I can only tell you its in a vacuum.

It will end either by dday, guilt, or a strong reality (usually on mm side) that its wrong, the "we need to focus on our marriage" talks are either a few weeks, a few months, or a few years away.

And the pain when this happens, its unlike any pain, even the death of a loved one doesnt compare to THIS pain.

 

Right now you are in the height of it...the eye of the beautiful storm. The love feels so surreal nothing could convince you it could be broken. Every waking thought is of him. So it is mind numbing to believe it would fade or be abandoned.

But it will.

You think you've got it under control, you think your both going to stay married, its just that your love is undeniable right?

Im sorry. It will end painfully, you will wonder how you got there, why didnt you walk away, what were you thinking.

I dont even know what more I could say.

I wanna plead with you to stop now but I understand where you are at and that neither of you can now.

But I wish I could show you a crystal ball and show you the devastated wreck you will be at the end.

[Cloudcuckoo]

[quote=bootbrook;6852663

I can say its lonely not being able to share my thoughts and feelings with anyone , and its horrible right now that I cannot run to be with him as he goes through this health scare .

Thank you for reading,

 

That's what his wife is for...........

[loveisanaction]

Are we so wrong to share with each other occasionally , and not hurt our families.

 

The answer is yes.

 

Just because neither of your families know about your affair doesn't mean it's not hurting them. The saying 'What you don't know won’t hurt you' is in accurate because it can, it will and it is hurting them. For one, you are putting your spouse's health at risk.

 

You and your affair partner are pursuing an affair; you are 'in love' and are acting upon it. What you are giving to each other should be meant for your spouses. Both you and your affair partner are getting the best of both worlds, you're getting your spouses and you're getting each other. That's not fair. You think your spouse (and your affair partner’s wife) don’t have past loves? They probably do (we all do) but they have chosen to be faithful and loyal to you. That’s why it’s called a vow. You (and your affair partner) on the other hand have broken your vows and are cake eating.

 

If you really want to be with your affair partner and he wants to be with you, you both need to get a divorce. It’s unfair to your spouse (and your affair partner’s wife) that you both get to have your true love and your spouses at the same time. Give your husband (and your affair partner’s wife) the gift to go out and find their own true loves. That way they can have what it is that you are having with your affair partner.

[wmacbride]

It's true to an extent, that you can't control your feelings, but what you can control is o you choose to act on them.

 

Shift the focus away form your feelings for this guy. For the sake of argument, say it was some other behavior, besides cheating that had such huge potential to hurt not only the two of you but your spouses, children, grandchildren and more.

 

Would you still do it, or would you find some other way to handle it?

 

In the end, it boils down to it not just being about you and the om, but all those others as well. You are not just risking yourself and and your own feelings, you are putting them at risk as well.the biggest difference is that you have say in the matter, they don't. they are just being dragged along for the ride.

 

Is their potential heartache worth it to you? think of the pain you say you are feeling right now. It's got nothing on how they are going to feel. Again, is it worth it?

[burnt]

I dont even know what more I could say.

I wanna plead with you to stop now but I understand where you are at and that neither of you can now.

But I wish I could show you a crystal ball and show you the devastated wreck you will be at the end.

 

And you couldn't have said it any better, actually.

 

But the sad reality is that only the people who have experienced in first hand what you have and have been broken can understand what you are talking about.

[BuddyX]

You're not in a happy marriage. You wouldn't cheat if you were. And yes you can leave your spouses (you're in your 50's).

 

Written in another thread by LS member. Please take credit for the following;

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

[brothers343]

I have been married 13 years.....I got married young. I once met a woman that I found very attractive, she was also married and I did think of having an affair. It would have been easy...but then I went home and I saw my wife and my two young kids and I got a glimpse of the future without them. The time and the sacrifice that my wife has put into her husband accomplishing all his dreams made me realize that I may never find a woman like her ever again. The butterflies and living in the clouds left my mind. Plus everything bad you do in this life comes back around. My advise is if you love your husband than forget about the past. I think almost everyone goes through a time of uncertainty in there life. Listen to the posters that are telling you to let get of this dream that you have right now. They have been there. There the ones that are acting like your crystal ball. Take ther advise and knowledge and use it wisely. It can save you alot of heartache and pain. Good luck.

[OneLov]

hello,,this is my first post.

neither of us are prepared to leave our spouses but the love we have for each other does not go away . Why?

 

Because as a human, you have trouble making decisions that will positively influence your future.

 

Please read this short article for a better understanding of how your brain works.

 

Human Decision-Making: a scary thing | PsychEducation

 

Here's an example from the article applied to you.

 

 

"Research by psychologists shows that we pay most attention to the risks that are right in front of us (like not getting the chemical reward from interacting with the MM). Risks that won’t appear until later,even if they are huge, (like losing your family and reputation) just don’t get to us the way a risk we face right now does.

 

Getting osteoporosis from lack of exercise, and breaking a hip — that won’t become a problem for many years yet, if you’re 20 or 30 or 40 years old. What’s more a problem, right now, is the fact that you’ll be all sweaty when you get dressed for work after a workout — so you can’t exercise before work, or during work, and afterward I’m too tired, etc. etc."

 

So even though you will potentially lose everything you hold dear WHEN (not if) you get caught, the reality of that is too attenuated. So in terms of smoking, right now, your brain isn't concerned about the very real possibility of an agonizing death from lung cancer, it's focused on how to settle this urgent craving. The fastest and cheapest way to do that is light-up.

 

But in short, that is "why."

Edited April 2, 2016 by OneLov

[Arieswoman]

Smart answer OneLov - nothing else to say, you've summed it up very astutely.

[Doublegold]

I don't get the comment that you both are happily married? In my opinion that is not possible if you are willing to risk your Marriages and the hurt you will cause if a DD occurs. You can't behave in the manner you both are and love your spouses.

 

 

 

When I met up for drinks with my "first love' after 30 years I was shocked at the emotions stirred up when we parted. The most telling is I felt lonely for the first time in my 24 plus years marriage. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Within a year I was separated--for me. I knew it wasn't fair to my XH, as I did not love him. First BF never knew, told him years later, after I was divorced.

 

 

One day you may look back on this and wonder why you were so caught up in one another. Trying to regain lost youth, when life was so sweet and innocent? A true connection?

 

 

For myself, I now look back at him fondly, but not anywhere near the obsessive thoughts I had during the time we reengaged with one another.

 

 

He is just someone I used to know.

[bootbrook]

thank you all for the thoughts and comments.

The reason I came here is because I have nobody to offer support , guidance , criticism help, etc. so I appreciate each and every word.

this keeps cropping up every few years and is still so strong after 30 years . I feel powerless against it,.

I do believe I love my husband . we have a great relationship .

Its just THIS thing that cannot be explained..It feels like coming home somehow. He feels it the same way .

My husband is aware of my feelings ,he doesnt know the extent of the affair but he knows that I have feelings for this man since I was young .

I dont know ,,Im so upset over it all.

thank you for allowing me a place to rant .

[loveisanaction]

thank you all for the thoughts and comments.

The reason I came here is because I have nobody to offer support , guidance , criticism help, etc. so I appreciate each and every word.

this keeps cropping up every few years and is still so strong after 30 years . I feel powerless against it,.

I do believe I love my husband . we have a great relationship .

Its just THIS thing that cannot be explained..It feels like coming home somehow. He feels it the same way .

My husband is aware of my feelings ,he doesnt know the extent of the affair but he knows that I have feelings for this man since I was young .

I dont know ,,Im so upset over it all.

thank you for allowing me a place to rant .

 

We adults have to train ourselves to say to No our self.

 

Every day, we say no to our children…."No you can't touch the fire; No you can't wear make-up, you're only 13; No you can't come home after your curfew; No you can’t drive without a license; No way are you wearing that short skirt out of this house” Every day, we teach our children to accept the word No, especially when what they want is harmful to them. Yet we have such difficulty teaching ourselves how to say to say No to our self even though we know that which we want can/will cause us great harm.

[brothers343]

thank you all for the thoughts and comments.

The reason I came here is because I have nobody to offer support , guidance , criticism help, etc. so I appreciate each and every word.

this keeps cropping up every few years and is still so strong after 30 years . I feel powerless against it,.

I do believe I love my husband . we have a great relationship .

Its just THIS thing that cannot be explained..It feels like coming home somehow. He feels it the same way .

My husband is aware of my feelings ,he doesnt know the extent of the affair but he knows that I have feelings for this man since I was young .

I dont know ,,Im so upset over it all.

thank you for allowing me a place to rant .

Maybe I'm a different breed or maybe I'm just a rough human being but If I knew that my wife had these lingering feelings towards another man.......for years I might say than I would have told her to go take care of them.....In fact I never would have married her. Your husband must be a great guy to know all this and still be with you. I Don't mean to be so harsh but it upsets me when you say that you have a great marriage, 30 years. But realistically you have never fully given yourself to your husband becouse your dreaming of another. It's comical and sad at the same time. I'm not blaming you...I'm actually blaming your husband becouse his content with the life he has knowing that there's another willing to take his place.

[Satu]

Other people's husbands are other people's husbands.

 

You have one of your own.

 

Be good to him.

[66Charger]

Your husband knows, but not the extent?

 

Are you sure?

 

Your marriage (and your husband) has already shifted, you just cant see it, because of your affair and delusion that even if he finds out, "you have been so good to him" that he won't leave you. Are you sure? Can you read his mind? Maybe he is reading your thread right now.

 

While you are so concerned about the MMs health, you should be really concerned about what your husband is thinking right now. And what he will think tomorrow. You are making choices and those choices do not include your husband. You husband may soon make a choice and it may not include you. Then your fantasy can become reality.

 

I am not bashing you, but you need to wake up. He knows. Good luck to you on this one.

[Noideanow]

If your affair partner died tomorrow, would you regret anything?

Why if you love him as much as you say, do you not Want to spend every second with him? I know you stated your reasons for nothing ever to have blossomed between you but have you thought it through what you would like to feel like looking back on your life when your very old (hopefully, (or not maybe;)?))

I write this because it scares me to read such things when i imagine myself in the same situation years out in the future, the saddest thing i could imagine:( offcource this may have nothing to do with you, and you truly are happy (apart from your lover being sick) and content and have no other Dreams for your existence-""":)

[OneLov]

I do believe I love my husband . we have a great relationship .Its just THIS thing that cannot be explained.

 

Yes it most certainly can.

 

See I believe that you believe you have a great marriage and are happy. The reason most people say that "they are happy" is because it's actually a justification for the affair itself. If you admitted you are/were unhappy, then some of the responsibility of the marriage's breakdown would fall squarely on your shoulders. But if you are happy and a cosmic force is pulling you an your AP together, what can you do? How can you help or be responsible for any of choice(s) you may have made to arrive at the point you are at?

 

I am not being antagonistic, I am trying to get you to understand that by believing you are/were happy is not helpful if you want to stop the A. If you realize you are unhappy, then you must accept that it is not some universal force pulling you and your AP together. You will come to see it is simply a choice to distract yourself (flight) instead of having the power to confront and hopefully correct any issues that exist in yourself or in your marriage (fight).

 

I hope this thread will help you come to realize that you can still change things and make choices that will positively influence your future. I wish you the best.

[Poppy47]

I am really curious. How do you get the time to be texting 3 and four hours at night with a husband and family?

 

Do you love your husband?

 

There is no such thing as "Occasionally" with an A. The craving for each other will compel you to see each other more and more. YOu could both lose everything.

 

Stop now and relegate this man to your past. I think you are still dreaming of when you were with him in your earlier years. If your marriages end, it will be nothing like that.

 

Poppy.

[BuddyX]

"Affair love is an illusion, based on a lie, fueled by fantasy, protected by self-justification, insecurity and ego."

[ShatteredLady]

I know in the past some people lived out affairs for decades & took the secrets to their graves. Historically I would NEVER of known that my H was cheating. Modern communication has changed things!

 

My H is a computer SUPER geek & even he got so sloppy that BOTH times I discovered the truth by finding 'evidence' on the computer...I'm not very tech savvy!

 

If you love your family as you say please, PLEASE do what's right. You know what that truly is for you.

 

I know these things are so isolating. I'm sorry. I know how much that hurts.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi there.

You will hear no lectures from me on morality or the risk to your spouses.

I want to talk to you about you.

You may very well love eachother, my guess is its fairytale, affair bubble love though which is different, it lives in a bubble, the bubble usually bursts, the "love" dies, it ends.

Im not going to tell you to end this, I just want to prepare you, I know first hand the cloud 9 you are living on, I know it feels VERY wonderful and overwhelming.

I can only tell you its in a vacuum.

It will end either by dday, guilt, or a strong reality (usually on mm side) that its wrong, the "we need to focus on our marriage" talks are either a few weeks, a few months, or a few years away.

And the pain when this happens, its unlike any pain, even the death of a loved one doesnt compare to THIS pain.

 

Right now you are in the height of it...the eye of the beautiful storm. The love feels so surreal nothing could convince you it could be broken. Every waking thought is of him. So it is mind numbing to believe it would fade or be abandoned.

But it will.

You think you've got it under control, you think your both going to stay married, its just that your love is undeniable right?

Im sorry. It will end painfully, you will wonder how you got there, why didnt you walk away, what were you thinking.

I dont even know what more I could say.

I wanna plead with you to stop now but I understand where you are at and that neither of you can now.

But I wish I could show you a crystal ball and show you the devastated wreck you will be at the end.

 

Privategal - I seriously could read your posts over and over. They just make so much sense!!! What you wrote about the xMM and them getting to the strong reality of it's wrong is exactly what happened to me. I of course knew it was wrong and tried to end it several times but once HE came to the realisation that it was wrong and couldn't deal with the guilt he never looked back. By then I was in so deep and it hurt even though I knew it was right and for the best.

 

OP - this "thing" will end and it will end badly. It's easy to think you can manage and juggle both successfully but wrong actions will eventually produce wrong results. It's only a matter of time before the whole thing blows up.

[Doublegold]

thank you all for the thoughts and comments.

The reason I came here is because I have nobody to offer support , guidance , criticism help, etc. so I appreciate each and every word.

this keeps cropping up every few years and is still so strong after 30 years . I feel powerless against it,.

I do believe I love my husband . we have a great relationship .

Its just THIS thing that cannot be explained..It feels like coming home somehow. He feels it the same way .

My husband is aware of my feelings ,he doesnt know the extent of the affair but he knows that I have feelings for this man since I was young .

I dont know ,,Im so upset over it all.

thank you for allowing me a place to rant .

 

 

Please keep posting.

 

Take Care!

[bootbrook]

I am so glad I have found this site . I think I stayed up all night reading posts from you all.

I think I really thought I and my situation was different from anyone else .

Mine is true love tragic .

Its no different than what many of you are facing and moving away from or still in .

On one hand I see the best thing to do is not have contact , on the other hand I am checking my phone for messages .

Knowing that he can't contact me himself , His mother and sister are keeping me informed about his condition . ( I have been friends with them for all these years ) .

As I have read so many of your experiences throughout the night , I sit here and I'm not even sure , but I am doing something wrong . I am not in control , I have given away my power , I am devaluing myself .

I have not looked at this THING like that because it was different . But its not different , its as old as time .

Now,,what am I to do about it ..

Sorry if this is rambling ,,I am a little shocked at myself .

Feeling very lonely , feeling very afraid .