The Other Woman **Updated**

[Pili-Pala]

I am so glad I have found this site . I think I stayed up all night reading posts from you all.

I think I really thought I and my situation was different from anyone else .

Mine is true love tragic .

Its no different than what many of you are facing and moving away from or still in .

On one hand I see the best thing to do is not have contact , on the other hand I am checking my phone for messages .

Knowing that he can't contact me himself , His mother and sister are keeping me informed about his condition . ( I have been friends with them for all these years ) .

As I have read so many of your experiences throughout the night , I sit here and I'm not even sure , but I am doing something wrong . I am not in control , I have given away my power , I am devaluing myself .

I have not looked at this THING like that because it was different . But its not different , its as old as time .

Now,,what am I to do about it ..

Sorry if this is rambling ,,I am a little shocked at myself .

Feeling very lonely , feeling very afraid .

 

All our situations are different as the contexts differ - we all have different experiences both during and after the A, and all our situations can end very differently or take a different paths - but truly realising that my situation, though different to others, was not "special" and has similarities and was in fact full of cliches was one of the most important first steps I took.

 

You are at a crossroads I feel. Coming here it seems to me you want to make a change of some sort. Recognising that I wanted to make a change was the other most important step for me. You could be about to make a choice of direction which will determine what journey you embark on - and one of those choices is to end this and try move forwards, work on you (and in this case possibly your M) and leave this A and this MM behind. It is scarey at first, it does feel lonely, but it can be also empowering.

 

But I am glad you have found this forum as I hope you will also find the support and strength that I found to make the right choices for you.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Pili-Pala

[among the pines]

Bootbrook - I landed on this site for the same reason as you and probably a lot of others - nobody to talk to and feeling very alone. Actually I did have a couple people I could confide in, but I think I pretty much wore them down and they wondered why I couldn't just get the heck over him. So I needed to find people who could identify with what I was going through.

 

It's a bittersweet time of year for me because this time last year I had been heavily embroiled in a LD EA for several months, and we made plans for him to come down and see me. He came down for three weeks and then another three weeks over the summer. He then was trying to find other creative ways to spend time with me - DD was when his wife found my number on his phone.

 

Even after that he claimed he wanted to come to me as we were deeply "in love" and started to take some steps to what I thought would end up that way. All the while the guilt and shame continually built within me until I kind of flaked out on him - I thought I wanted to break up every other day and it felt like a roller coaster. But I didn't go anywhere. Then when the guilt overcame him he went back and didn't even have the decency to tell me what was going on. Funny how someone who loved me so much and was devastated to think of living without me couldn't even call me to say I'm going back to work on my marriage.

 

That affair bubble is the most intense feeling I have EVER experienced. But if I had known then the hell I would be going through for the past several months I would have cut all contact. I also wonder what was I thinking in the beginning - I would never want to contribute to causing hurt to another person but that's what I did

 

There are no winners in affairs; everyone loses.

[Ophelia25]

I identify with OP. I have been married for 16 years, and would say that my marriage is a happy one, overall. And I absolutely love both my spouse and the AP, though I cannot say for certain how he feels anymore, or how his marriage is.

 

Maybe my situation is a little different because my husband has known about the A from Day 1, and has been instrumental in both fueling my fantasies and helping me get to the AP. And I can't even begin to understand what is in his head that he is willing to, and interested in doing so, but he feels confident that the AP would never leave his family and that I would never run off. He doesn't really seem to feel jealous because he knows that we are idiots wrapped up in an impossible teenage fantasy.

 

That said, it does not change for a second the fact that I am a big fat jerk for pursuing this OM, and for caving to the selfish ideas of both of them. My APs wife does not feel the same way as my H does, and I am largely responsible for a lot of hurt and trouble in her family. Perhaps this means I do not really love my husband. Or the AP. But I don't think so.

 

I think it is very possible to love two people, and in situations where everyone is open and willing (polyamory, e.g.) it can sort of work out for awhile (though I have my doubts, people are generally too fickle and jealous to be open enough). But, when sneaking and secrets and lies have to be involved, as they do in affairs, I don't think it can ever be sustained for very long. Maybe I've kept mine going for 8 years because three of the four people involved are for it, but that doesn't make it ok. The BS has been hurt and scared and betrayed over and over. Now, if I were her, id get myself outta there. But she loves her family and children and actually, I'm fairly certain my AP manages to be a pretty great husband and dad the majority of the time. I'm just his one weakness.

 

Sorry, I'm mostly just trying to say that we can't really insist that someone in an affair is not happily married, nor can we say someone who has an affair does not love their spouse. Both are possible, it's just extremely selfish to take the risk of hurting someone you know you love that much.

[bootbrook]

Its just amazing how many times you check your phone , facebook , any social media at all to see scraps of updates .

I just want to tear my hair out . I have called myself stupid so many times this past 5 days its unbelievable .

How did I get into this mess ? , what was I thinking ? and mainly will I continue if given the chance,,?

oh my I am going crazy.

[BuddyX]

That's we call breadcrumbs. And that's the best you can do now.

[heartwhole]

Residual feelings for a first or old love are very common. When you are young, you connect in this no-holds-barred way that becomes more difficult when you are older, so it's easy to feel that this old boyfriend is the only person who knows the "real you." You mirror and represent youth and the lack of adult responsibilities to each other.

 

Just remember that you knew each other when you were single and had your whole lives in front of you, and it didn't work out then. It seems so magical and wonderful now because it's an escape from the daily grind of life and responsibility, but the impediments to "happily ever after" are even greater now than they were when you were young and could have been together if you wanted to.

 

I'll be honest; I've always carried a torch for my high school sweetheart. I have been open about this with my husband (when I found out he was having an affair, I said, "Well I'll always have weird feelings for high school boyfriend, but I don't communicate secretly with him!") Sometimes we have feelings that we didn't work to have closure on at the time, but that's on us. That doesn't mean the object of our nostalgic affections is the long-lost love of our lives.

 

By digging this hole, you are harming all the people you claim to love. If you two were really meant to be together, then you'd have left your partners already. Or, really, you'd have made it work back in your 20s. Now you've dug deep with the emotional and physical affair.

 

Are you in counseling? You need to gain proper closure and perspective on both your marriage and this relationship. I encourage you not to keep digging -- you're never going to get to anywhere good down there.

[bootbrook]

This is a song by Blackhawk , kind of sums it up .

Day 11 , feeling weak , sad , angry , all of the negative emotions .

How long does it take to be able to breathe normally again .

I love him , I've always loved him , I think I will always love him .

There is no way for us to communicate for 8 weeks , so I'm hoping in this time , I will have gained some courage , or whatever it is that I need to stay away .

I just don't understand why I do this , I have a wonderful husband who worships me , we have a great relationship for 20 years , I have never thought about another man but MM . Always .

I started writing a list of things , I don't know why I thought we could have an affair . I guess I thought it was better than not being together at all.

I'm high maintenance , how I thought I could be 2nd place is beyond me .

I'm rambling , sorry , its just so F""ing painful , I can't stand it .

Its the most lonesome place to be .

Thank you for reading .

[loveisanaction]

You want another woman's husband and are miserable because you can't have him.

 

On the other hand you have something that many many many women are longing for....a man who loves and worships you and who also happens to be your husband. Why is that not enough for you? You are one lucky lady to have such a man...yet still you are unhappy.

 

Life....

[stilltrying16]

This is a song by Blackhawk , kind of sums it up .

Day 11 , feeling weak , sad , angry , all of the negative emotions .

How long does it take to be able to breathe normally again .

I love him , I've always loved him , I think I will always love him .

There is no way for us to communicate for 8 weeks , so I'm hoping in this time , I will have gained some courage , or whatever it is that I need to stay away .

I just don't understand why I do this , I have a wonderful husband who worships me , we have a great relationship for 20 years , I have never thought about another man but MM . Always .

I started writing a list of things , I don't know why I thought we could have an affair . I guess I thought it was better than not being together at all.

I'm high maintenance , how I thought I could be 2nd place is beyond me .

I'm rambling , sorry , its just so F""ing painful , I can't stand it .

Its the most lonesome place to be .

Thank you for reading .

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting. If you are in day 11 of NC, that's a good start & I hope you are acknowledging your strength! Coming here and posting is also a great thing to do, especially if you are feeling isolated in real life.

 

Just a question: have you had and overcome addictions in the past? If so, can you recall things that helped you then and see if you can adapt those behaviors to the present?

 

Here are some strategies I've used in the past for addictions or to escape painful thoughts- I'm susceptible to both. They might or might not be helpful to you, but I'm noting them down just in case they are.

 

Some say that affairs are addictions that generate a physical "chemical soup" of hormones. As a high addictive personality, I know that one thing I can do even when I'm feeling helpless is actually switch to a new addiction. Can you fill your days with something else that has been obsessive for you in the past, but obsessive in a good way- eg exercise, fun events with your family (it's spring), maybe tons of sex with your husband (try new things), volunteering, pampering yourself, pampering someone else? Guilt is always counterproductive because it's paralyzing- so when guilt emerges see if you can switch it to some more action-directed thing.

 

Fill your days with actions, but don't repress thoughts of the affair. (The repressed usually returns with new force, and you don't want to give your power over to repressed thoughts.) Use a journal to keep track of your thoughts, write them down, and as they say in mediation, observe them, detach and let them float off into the air. Set aside some time every day to do it. Don't be too quick to judge yourself as successful or failing at overcoming the addiction. A judgment can only be a snapshot of the moment, but you are going to be involved in a process. Suspend guilt and suspend judgment for now- look for action.

 

It's great that you are writing your list and that you are reading here. One question you are focusing on (if I read your post right) is why you thought you could have an affair. Will it help to look at what relationship experts say about why happy people cheat (or want to cheat)? I posted yesterday about a "relationship therapist called Esther Perel, who wrote Mating in Captivity and has a number of really great clips on Youtube. I was surprised and intrigued by many of her insights. She talks about what we are really looking for when we get into an affair- and it's *not* the other person. The affair partner is just a placeholder for what we really want. It's usually a new self. So is there a way to find that new self without the pain of an affair?

 

I don't mean to suggest this is easy. I think I could be sounding glib, but she doesn't- she might be worth listening to. She says that if people put a fraction of the imagination and boldness and verve (her words) into their primary relationship that they do into an affair, they would get closer to what they are looking for. She is far from moralistic or judgmental imo- she's an academic and she approaches affairs as an accredited researcher and as a problem-solution thing. I'm sure there are other fantastic self-help resources out there. Sometimes they can be a little bit too bright and cheery and they don't have all the answers but they might open up new ways to think and deal. Rooting for you!

Edited April 9, 2016 by stilltrying16

[Cymbeline]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. If you are in day 11 of NC, that's a good start & I hope you are acknowledging your strength! Coming here and posting is also a great thing to do, especially if you are feeling isolated in real life.

 

Just a question: have you had and overcome addictions in the past? If so, can you recall things that helped you then and see if you can adapt those behaviors to the present?

 

Here are some strategies I've used in the past for addictions or to escape painful thoughts- I'm susceptible to both. They might or might not be helpful to you, but I'm noting them down just in case they are.

 

Some say that affairs are addictions that generate a physical "chemical soup" of hormones. As a high addictive personality, I know that one thing I can do even when I'm feeling helpless is actually switch to a new addiction. Can you fill your days with something else that has been obsessive for you in the past, but obsessive in a good way- eg exercise, fun events with your family (it's spring), maybe tons of sex with your husband (try new things), volunteering, pampering yourself, pampering someone else? Guilt is always counterproductive because it's paralyzing- so when guilt emerges see if you can switch it to some more action-directed thing.

 

Fill your days with actions, but don't repress thoughts of the affair. (The repressed usually returns with new force, and you don't want to give your power over to repressed thoughts.) Use a journal to keep track of your thoughts, write them down, and as they say in mediation, observe them, detach and let them float off into the air. Set aside some time every day to do it. Don't be too quick to judge yourself as successful or failing at overcoming the addiction. A judgment can only be a snapshot of the moment, but you are going to be involved in a process. Suspend guilt and suspend judgment for now- look for action.

 

It's great that you are writing your list and that you are reading here. One question you are focusing on (if I read your post right) is why you thought you could have an affair. Will it help to look at what relationship experts say about why happy people cheat (or want to cheat)? I posted yesterday about a "relationship therapist called Esther Perel, who wrote Mating in Captivity and has a number of really great clips on Youtube. I was surprised and intrigued by many of her insights. She talks about what we are really looking for when we get into an affair- and it's *not* the other person. The affair partner is just a placeholder for what we really want. It's usually a new self. So is there a way to find that new self without the pain of an affair?

 

I don't mean to suggest this is easy. I think I could be sounding glib, but she doesn't- she might be worth listening to. She says that if people put a fraction of the imagination and boldness and verve (her words) into their primary relationship that they do into an affair, they would get closer to what they are looking for. She is far from moralistic or judgmental imo- she's an academic and she approaches affairs as an accredited researcher and as a problem-solution thing. I'm sure there are other fantastic self-help resources out there. Sometimes they can be a little bit too bright and cheery and they don't have all the answers but they might open up new ways to think and deal. Rooting for you!

 

This is wonderful advice. The sadness is within you. The only person who can work out how to deal with it (maybe with professional help) is you. Good luck.

[bootbrook]

I'm gutted, that is the only word that I can think of .

I love him , he loves me , he's married , I'm married . We have a 30 year history .

We are both successful in our careers , unfortunately 3 years ago he had a huge thing happen at his work where alot of people died . Had councelling but became an alcoholic . Nobody knew , he hid it well.

We did not discuss being apart because he collapsed and went to detox and Rehab .

During this time I found this site and have been reading so much .

I have determined that I can't be the other woman , I need so much more .

I have a wonderful husband but I cannot stop loving this man .

He is 18 days in rehab now but sent a message last night . I have not responded yet ,

He talked about his issues , but did not ask how I am doing , just about himself.

I have been suffering in silence for 18 days , barely able to function , and being the other woman , unable to ask or say anything .

I am so hurt and sad , checking constantly for some word from him .

I know he has very limited outside communication , but couldn't he have asked how I am doing ?

I don't know how to respond to him . I know he is dealing with a great amount right now , I don't want to add to that by whining and showing weakness .

Thank you for reading . Any advice is appreciated .

[OWAmy]

What do you want for you and him?

 

It's not technically 18 days of NC is it?...Its 18 days of not having heard from him because he's in rehab.

 

Right now with him still in rehab(?) would be a blessing for the affair to end so he can deal with the alcoholism and end of the affair at the same time.

[loveisanaction]

Bootbrook, you said that your husband is a wonderful and loving man. You said that he is good to you. So why are you repaying him this way?

 

If you are so in love with your married man why not divorce your husband? Give him an opportunity to find someone who will love him the way he needs to be loved.

 

It saddens me to see women who would be loyal to a man but are single. Yet here is a married woman who has a great husband but is miserable because the man she wants is married to another woman.

 

Divorce your husband Bootbrook, he doesn't deserve this.

Edited April 16, 2016 by loveisanaction

[privategal]

Try to treat this break in communication as YOUR rehab as well as HE is your addiction. let him go is my advice.

I wish you the best.

[Satu]

This might be hard to hear:

 

 

What you are doing isn't NC.

 

You have been 'waiting and hoping.'

 

What you call 'love,' isn't love.

 

It's a dysfunctional attachment.

 

An addiction.

 

Find a good therapist.

 

 

Take care.

[Grapesofwrath]

If he is in rehab, that is a great thing for him. He needs to focus and work on himself and his sobriety. It's fair for him not to inquire about you. Rehab is an internal journey and he needs to stay focused on that. Then he can work on his own marriage, which has no doubt suffered due to his alcoholism.

 

I echo Privategal. Use this time as an opportunity to do your own "rehab" and 12-step your way out of this affair.

[BuddyX]

Im copying and pasting a great response. I've already done this 3 times...this month. Just in case you think you're case is special.

 

"Affair love is an illusion, based on a lie, fueled by fantasy, protected by self-justification, insecurity and ego. It NEVER delivers on any expectations. Is it any wonder why real relationships, based on an affair, fail at a rate twice that of divorce?"

 

But personally, I hope your husband finds out and kicks you to the curb. You don't deserve him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Can you clarify a point for me?

 

When you say you have a 30 year history...are you saying that you have been in an affair for 30 years?

[Satu]

Affairs are mostly fantasy and make - believe.

 

They exist in a bubble of unreality on the edge of the real, almost as if they were happening in another dimension.

 

It takes remarkable feats of double - think to maintain them, to quell the cognitive dissonance, to keep them walled off from the rest of life.

 

This is why they always crumble in the end.

[anyonecandoit]

Affairs are mostly fantasy and make - believe.

 

They exist in a bubble of unreality on the edge of the real, almost as if they were happening in another dimension.

 

It takes remarkable feats of double - think to maintain them, to quell the cognitive dissonance, to keep them walled off from the rest of life.

 

This is why they always crumble in the end.

 

So well said!

[bootbrook]

I have known him for 30 years . we were together for a year or so when we were young , school and situations took us apart , over the years we reconnect and the feelings are there , now we both are married to others that we love but just cant let each other go . we dont live in the same town so arent together often, mostly text .

For those of you that come across as nasty and mean , I am sorry that you are fighting your own demons and battles .

Thank you for the messages.

[privategal]

I have known him for 30 years . we were together for a year or so when we were young , school and situations took us apart , over the years we reconnect and the feelings are there , now we both are married to others that we love but just cant let each other go . we dont live in the same town so arent together often, mostly text .

For those of you that come across as nasty and mean , I am sorry that you are fighting your own demons and battles .

Thank you for the messages.

 

I did this for 15 years. Same thing.

It hurt me alot, like when I say hurt?

Like a DEATH when he broke off the EA...then broke off the friendship...

IDK, Im familiar with not being able to let go...but it just ends bad. Really bad.

30 yrs though?...why even end it at this point? It almost makes more sense given the time to stay...

[jenkins95]

To anyone in an affair, please read the post below several times. Satu's posts are always very wise and written. It is only several months after my affair ended that I now have the clarity of mind to see that everything stated here is 100% true. You can't see it when you're in the fog, but it's startlingly obvious months later in the cold light of day. Please stop.

 

Affairs are mostly fantasy and make - believe.

 

They exist in a bubble of unreality on the edge of the real, almost as if they were happening in another dimension.

 

It takes remarkable feats of double - think to maintain them, to quell the cognitive dissonance, to keep them walled off from the rest of life.

 

This is why they always crumble in the end.

[ShatteredLady]

It's so selfish for him to have this opportunity to contact you & NOT be worried about you, ask how you are doing. That's so telling. I'm sorry. A loving, compassionate person would of been thinking about you more than themselves. I bet you've been so concerned for him. Ugh!

 

Sometimes people's responses sound very harsh. Some members respond better to gentle words while others need to be hit hard. I hope that people are only trying to help you.

 

However it's phrased they are thinking of your husband. It breaks my heart too when I hear that someone is betraying a kind, loving partner. You do have choices. You do have power.

 

The man you know now is not the same person you dated in your youth. If he has any empathy then what he's doing to his W & you must be messing with his head. It can't be helping his struggles with sobriety.

 

I think it's time for both of you. Divorce & be together or stop this for once & for all.

[ChickiePops]

I have known him for 30 years . we were together for a year or so when we were young , school and situations took us apart , over the years we reconnect and the feelings are there , now we both are married to others that we love but just cant let each other go . we dont live in the same town so arent together often, mostly text .

For those of you that come across as nasty and mean , I am sorry that you are fighting your own demons and battles .

Thank you for the messages.

 

Why is it mean to point out the truth?