Jersey born raised Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 How something is said that makes it mean and if it is meant to wound vs enlighten. I would take the harsh and mean comments as a warning of what their spouses reaction will be, hence although meant to wound it enlightens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 What you are describing is not really love. Love is courageous and with real love one cares more about the other persons happiness/welfare than your own. He cares more about himself than how you are doing. You care more about the fact you haven't heard from him than how he is doing even though he is in a potentially life threatening sitch with his addiction issues. Neither one of you is courageous enough to change your lives to shout your love from the rooftops and deal with the consequences of living your love out loud. What you really are engaged in is a familiar situation from the past that makes you feel good or comfortable about whatever voids exist within your marriages, or more likely within yourselves. He's in rehab with counselors. The best thing you could do for yourself is get yourself into counseling to figure out why you are doing what you are doing. Real love doesn't involve engaging in behavior that would hurt the other person....like blowing up your current lives when you don't want to. If this were real love, you would have figured it out and made it work many moons ago. Its just something that makes you feel good. What is it that you are feeling so bad about that you need this A? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bootbrook Posted April 17, 2016 Author Share Posted April 17, 2016 We did have a really good talk last night . OM. Neither of us can let go , whether its the past or what I don't know . I also went through so many of our meetings ( texts ) etc. to see if I can discover something , I did not , but this has been cropping up between us many times over the years . I don't think I even realized until I went back over our communications. I also talked to my husband last night to see if he thinks there is something missing in our relationship . He is totally happy , in saying that , he doesn't know the extent of my feelings toward the OM . He knows about him and knows that I have feelings that won't let go , he has even suggested that if I need to go figure that out because he thinks we are great together and will grow old together . He never feels neglected or out of touch with me , I do think a person can love two people . I may be living in a fog but if so, its been this way for years . I am planning to visit OM in rehab within the next 2 weeks . We will sit with a councillor just to chat , they have discuss many of these issues as well . Thank you for taking your time to think and comment to others having issues and problems . I do appreciate this even if I can't really understand some of it . Obviously I am questioning myself because I am here to try to figure myself out. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 Bootbrook, I hope this comes across well because I am not sure how to explain my thoughts. Sometimes between men and women, both sides care very much but one side cares more. When we are the partner who cares more - and I have been there in the past - we are more inclined to settle for less than an equal amount of love and affection back. We also tend to ignore all of the things that say to us that the depth of feeling is not equal and to emphasize the things which make it seem equal. It's called cognitive dissonance. I say this because I do think you care more and I think it's important for you to acknowledge that and process it. Then, decide if you want to stay like this or move on and heal. That's really your call and I have no judgment to pass on that. It seems he does care for you but that it's a bit of a selfish love - a little bit on his terms and his priorities didn't include how you felt but how he fet. Good luck. I hope you found this helpful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 We keep repeating NC because it works. By going to see him in rehab means, you're prioritizing MM over your Hubby. Why don't you tell your husband about the affair and then ask him if he's happy? You talk about fights demons. Tell your husband that he's expendable and you're with another man. Then come back to me about demons. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 We did have a really good talk last night . OM. Neither of us can let go , whether its the past or what I don't know . I also went through so many of our meetings ( texts ) etc. to see if I can discover something , I did not , but this has been cropping up between us many times over the years . I don't think I even realized until I went back over our communications. I also talked to my husband last night to see if he thinks there is something missing in our relationship . He is totally happy , in saying that , he doesn't know the extent of my feelings toward the OM . He knows about him and knows that I have feelings that won't let go , he has even suggested that if I need to go figure that out because he thinks we are great together and will grow old together . He never feels neglected or out of touch with me , I do think a person can love two people . I may be living in a fog but if so, its been this way for years . I am planning to visit OM in rehab within the next 2 weeks . We will sit with a councillor just to chat , they have discuss many of these issues as well . Thank you for taking your time to think and comment to others having issues and problems . I do appreciate this even if I can't really understand some of it . Obviously I am questioning myself because I am here to try to figure myself out. Bootbrook: I think you may want to recalibrate your expectations of this visit. When you visit someone in rehab, with counselor present, the goal of the visit is not "just to chat." (Is this an 8-week residential program? You have been asked to visit because there are issues that need to be discussed and investigated. This is not going to be a casual conversation. Prepare yourself that the upshot may be that you must remove yourself from the MM's life so he can work on his substance dependence issues. He may need to make amends to you for his behavior in the past, and the revelations in that conversation may surprise you. He is undergoing a painful and difficult transformative process that requires one to face conflict and have an honest and fearless approach toward self-analysis. To prevent him from doing so is deeply unkind and selfish. Gently, I must share my observation that you seem to gloss over problems and situations. You paint a rosy picture of life at home and with your AP of total happiness. I'm afraid you may be in for a bit of a shock when you visit your MM in rehab, so be prepared for that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 We did have a really good talk last night . OM. Neither of us can let go , whether its the past or what I don't know . I also went through so many of our meetings ( texts ) etc. to see if I can discover something , I did not , but this has been cropping up between us many times over the years . I don't think I even realized until I went back over our communications. I also talked to my husband last night to see if he thinks there is something missing in our relationship . He is totally happy , in saying that , he doesn't know the extent of my feelings toward the OM . He knows about him and knows that I have feelings that won't let go , he has even suggested that if I need to go figure that out because he thinks we are great together and will grow old together . He never feels neglected or out of touch with me , I do think a person can love two people . I may be living in a fog but if so, its been this way for years . I am planning to visit OM in rehab within the next 2 weeks . We will sit with a councillor just to chat , they have discuss many of these issues as well . Thank you for taking your time to think and comment to others having issues and problems . I do appreciate this even if I can't really understand some of it . Obviously I am questioning myself because I am here to try to figure myself out. Don't you at all think it odd that your husband says he doesn't feel out of touch with you and you state that you haven't shared your true feelings/actions about the OM? You are the one withholding information....so you know that you guys are not in touch with each other. Being that your husband is not the one having the affair....why would you expect him to come up with what is missing in the marriage? Isn't that something that you should be asking yourself? Now for the bigger questions.....does the fact that your husband is content in the marriage give you permission to engage in an affair? Are you at all concerned about how devastated how your husband will be......knowing he will be blindsided (on his side he is content, not to mention that you have stated the same)? On a side note....the husband you have described will be a hot commodity in the dating scene.....a FWW....not so much. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) Hi, first you asked him HE was happy or something missing in his marriage. Most people when their spouses ask them that, they will say their happy. But that often means they have accepted the status que. You needed to define the issues and share how you feel about them. You could read articles on line or buy books. His Needs - Her Needs, Not Just Friends, 5 love languages, are often recommended. Are you trying to create a narrative that has a pre-deterined answer? As to he would be okl letting you go to him while he waits. High doubtful. He will experience great pain that will change him into a person you don't recognize him or break him and turn into a shell. Although painful it would be best if you went NC while married and dvorce him. Have you read any threads by betrayed spouces? There are a lot of good reasons to divorce, non for an EA/PA. Just consider the fallout. As to what happened, general most of these points if not all apply to you. Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into: Their lives since they parted Their relationships since they parted* Their families Their spouses You How you're an excellent father How you're a great husband How you're a wonderful guyhw* Your job How your job keeps you busy How your job keeps you away How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy How she loved hearing from him again How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now How she feels young again How she feels appreciated again How she feels attractive again How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way How her eyes have now been opened How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that How insensitive you can be some times How you can be a real jerk sometimes How she wonders if they would have stayed together How she now realizes that she never really loved you How she now realizes that she really loved him all along How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known How you're standing in the way of her true happiness How you ruined her life How she made a big mistake marrying you How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go How now she sees that they were really meant to be together How she desperately has to get away from you How she's definitely going to leave you How she's talking to divorce lawyers How they're going to live happily ever after... Is this issue mostly an abstract construct to him? When it gets real his toughts will change. Stand by your principles and if OM is what you want, do it right and dvorce. Edited April 22, 2016 by Jersey born raised 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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