Can you "affair proof" a marriage ?

[dreamingoftigers]

dichotomy,

 

The answer to your question is "yes".

 

You lock your Significant Other in the basement and push bread and water through the crack under the door.

 

Oh yeah, that only works until those pesky police show up. Then it's all " forced confinement.".

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm going to go against most of the other responses and say that you can affair-proof a marriage. It's called being able to put complete trust in your spouse. That sort of trust certainly isn't something that should be given automatically. You really need to have complete, open communication in the relationship. It also takes years of knowing somebody and seeing that they're someone who consistently follows through on their word.

 

Of course, not all affairs are planned. The other part of affair proofing a marriage is setting up all sorts of boundaries to prevent it from happening. You can't just make a promise to each other not to cheat. You have to make other promises as well. Such as: Don't spend time alone with somebody you used to date. If you develop feelings for somebody new, even if it's a mild crush, tell your spouse before it develops into something more. Those are just a few examples. Between that and having two trustworthy partners, I think an affair can be very unlikely.

 

I see it now! The only thing I screwed up on was that conversation of "this includes not going on to Sexsearch, Horny Matches and Craigslist!"

 

Oh gosh. If only I had included that caveat, we would have been fine!

[2.50 a gallon]

There are just too many variables to affair proof most marriages. With time people change. No matter how much attention we pay towards our SO, with time part of out lives become the same old, same ole. And whether we realize it or not there is a part of our brains that are looking for excitement.

At the basic level, attraction, love and sex are quit simply chemical reactions.

We meet the right person that we are attracted to, and the feelings are mutual, one thing leads to another, love chemicals and infatuation chemicals flood our brains and love blossoms.

Eventually the infatuation chemicals wear off, and this can be a danger, as they can resurface again with some one else. The problem is that we can not control what we are attracted to.

And it does not take much to start the infatuation chemicals flowing once more, some times it's as simple as a laugh

[Arieswoman]

I don't know about anyone else but I am fed-up with hearing this cr@p about "monogamy being incompatible with human nature".

 

I agree that there are some people that just aren't cut out for it and that's fine. But to say the whole human race is geared up to just screw around is a very silly statement.

 

If some people really don't believe in monogamy ( and I do) then there is no compunction whatsoever for such people to get into monogamous relationships.

 

It's so simple. If you don't believe in it, then don't sign up for it and don't make promises you have no intention of keeping.

 

There are so many different types of relationships available, multiple partners, swinging, "open" relationships. Just find someone who has the same ideas as you and away you go.

 

However, it seems to me that if the human race is wired for polyamoury then why are we also wired for jealousy, hurt, pain and rage, when the object of our affections spends time/money/and pays sexual attention on someone else ?

 

I was watching the ducks on the village pond today. Billy the big bad drake was going at it like a good 'un, bonking all the females one after another. And did they bother? Nah, after being nearly drowned by his amorous actions they just went back to eating bread and pond-weed. Surely we humans are a little more evolved than that?

 

You see the truth about cheating is all about getting a kick out of being dishonest/sneaky/underhand. To cheat you need an agreement to renege on, namely monogamy. There’s no sense of naughtiness in openness, no illicit sexual high to chase.

 

There is always power dynamic inherent in infidelity and that what give the cheater the edge. The cheater wants all the perks of a committed partner, plus the excitement of screwing around. The secrecy is about gaining advantage. They want the faithful partner to commit all their resources and they just pretend to agree. Cheaters don’t want a level playing field because it’s about control and entitlement. Cheaters give themselves permission to cheat, because they deem themselves more deserving/entitled than the faithful people who play by the rules. (Incidentally these were rules the cheater agreed to )

 

And for those who set off in a monogamous relationship with good intentions and then have found they can't stick to it - fess up. Set your partner free to be in an honest relationship with someone who wants the same things as they do.

[Timshel]

I don't think you can affair proof a marriage...for one thing we can only control our own actions. .. We cannot control our spouse.

 

We also cannot control outside influences or circumstances.

 

We certainly married with the idea it was forever... And no one was more surprised by my infidelity than I was. I did not plan it...and I really never thought of myself as the type to cheat.

I allowed my boundaries to move.. I validated my actions in my mind... And my husband was not given a chance to help me reel myself back in.

 

I certainly think communication is huge... I was feeling insecure and unlovable...and I didn't I tell him. So the biggest thing I think is to never assume your spouse knows you love and appreciate them... Make sure you tell them. Never take them for granted... It could all be gone tomorrow.

 

Is my marriage affair proof now? God I hope so.. I don't ever want to go through this again. I have very strict boundaries... I am completely transparent.. And I cling to him like my life depends on it.

 

My biggest regret in life is that I can no longer say proudly.. The only man I have ever been with is my husband...it breaks my heart what I took from him and I can never give it back.

 

Good advice Mrs. John Adams. The bolded....you know that you will not cheat on your husband. You know that.

 

When will you stop flagellating yourself and be present? Forgive me please....but what about all the other days of your life and marriage? Is this transgression the sum of all?

 

I know that it isn't and I do not mean to offend. I think that you are a Christian, so I am asking why for what God and Jesus have long forgiven and need only to be asked once, with sincere remorse...why do you keep asking?

[William]

Folks, before this becomes yet again another inflammatory discussion on infidelity and starts focusing on individuals rather than the general subject raised in the starting post.......

 

Our forum has thousands of threads on cheating and infidelity and its features, impetuses and manifestations are well-explained.

 

This thread is to discuss:

 

Is it even possible to "affair proof" a marriage? Perhaps "affair resistant" ?

Are there specific things either a spouse can do in your view to lessen the chance?

 

The thread starter originally posted this in MLP but we moved it because they were not interested, apparently, in how to affair-proof their own marriage/LP and sought no advice on that topic nor even indicated they were married/LP, so moderation moved the discussion to GRD.

 

Suffice to say moderation knows the background of most members who post this kind of content and we know all the tricks they use to get things opened up into yet again another inflammatory discussion. In this one, the directive is to focus on affair-proofing a marriage/LP, if it's possible, how it's possible and working on positive solutions and discussing them in a scholarly manner as is the mandate of the owner of the site.

 

Thanks!

[Timshel]

Oh yeah, that only works until those pesky police show up. Then it's all " forced confinement.".

 

I don't think there is anything beyond what is reasonable to 'affair proof' a marriage. It would be lovely to believe there is an equation, rules to follow that would achieve such.

 

Being a good partner, friend and lover and expecting it back is the best way to be in a relationship and to know if there is a problem. Otherwise, though it is tremendously hurtful and selfish....infidelity has occurred um.....since humans stood up on two legs and started making cave drawings.

 

Edit: Sorry William posted before I read your post.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think it's possible to "affair-proof" a marriage.

 

I think it's possible to make it "affair resistant" by really trying to find what makes your partner feel special / needed / wanted and aiming at their heart.

 

But overall, I think there are two types of cheaters, the entitled and the ones that hit a crisis point and it messes with them, then they seek an escape.

 

The entitled you can't do jack with. They just are out for whatever flesh they can devour, with whatever lame excuse if they even want to make one. The kind that blames their cheating on their partner through and through.

 

The "crisis / sad" one you can MAYBE work with. I think it depends on the degree and the individual variables.

 

I fully admit, that had I not been exposed to infidelity and boundaries / therapy I most likely would have been a sad sack cheater. I can't say when exactly, but I noticed VERY STRONGLY during this pregnancy that I often felt "my marriage is over, he doesn't love me anymore, I'm barely noticed etc."

 

But the truth is: aside from the largely historic issues we are ironing out in MC, he's been about as close to perfect and understanding husband as he could be. It's been really weird to see that my feelings, and how he is towards me have NOT been lining up very well.

 

I know "why" it is. My self-esteem through the course of this pregnancy has taken a massive hit. I was starting to lose weight just before I got pregnant. Now I can't lose a whole bunch and I might even gain some. As well, I typically view myself as a provider for my family. I have missed so much work due to appointments and being very, very ill with morning sickness until month 7.5! My last pregnancy was month 5.5 with morning sickness. I have no idea why they call it "morning" sickness. It's been "just about any time I freaking move" sickness. Truth is, I probably should have been on bedrest most of the pregnancy, but I couldn't stomach that, for lack of a better term. My work has been GREAT about it all.

 

The sickness absolutely exhausts me. During the first trimester I would be home around 6:30-7:00 and fall asleep around 7:30, then sleep until 7:30 am. I have never felt so drained. It got a little better in the second trimester with me falling asleep at 9 PM. But I still have felt like I am "old" or "chronically ill."

 

It took me a long time to believe the pregnancy was viable even. I've had major anxiety and a couple little health fkags come up, but nothing major so far. My house is a mess and even step I take standing up now feels like my bladder is getting a noogie from the baby's head. Plus the extra everything going on down below makes sex take longer and much more effort. That in and of itself has nailed my self-esteem to the wall. Ugh.

 

I can't help but feel like my husband must be secretly resenting the Hell out of me for not being anywhere near productive, spending as much family time and being slow as Hell when we need to walk anywhere, like into the store to get groceries. Which now he often just runs in if it's quick.

 

Meanwhile, he's been making extra efforts to keep the kitchen clean, he brought me my supper in bed last night because I was completely done for when we got home and he even made me nice vegetables. He always reassures me that his isn't "resenting me" or "frustrated" or whatever my brain manufactures today. He's been more affectionate (my love language) and our sex life has been better than it has been historically. He's been spending more time with our daughter in the evenings. Honestly he's always been great with our daughter (when he's not having other issues). Plus I cared for him through a slipped disc last year, so he's empathetic to me etc.

 

And yet for about half of the pregnancy, I felt like "oh this sucks, I want 'an escape.' But the real thing I want / wanted an escape from was the feelings I've had over our history and my own low self-esteem. Plus hormones. Good Lord the freaking hormones are overwhelming. I cried all through FROZEN. TWICE. And Inside Out. And I've been to Minnesota. No need to cry about that place.

 

So, how could one 'affair-proof' my own projections of myself onto my partner. I don't think they could. It was me that had to realize it and deal with it.

[wmacbride]

When one thinks about it, the initial question is almost impossible to answer, as each couple is different, and what works for them may not work for someone else.

 

A person chooses to have an affair based on whatever reasons they feel makes it an acceptable choice, and those reasons can be quite fluid. all a spouse can realistically do is use the knowledge they have of their husband or wife to try and be the best possible spouse to them.

 

this doesn't just go for a potential bs but also a potential ws.to prevent an a, person needs to do their best to know Themistocles well enough to recognize the signs of potential danger ahead. Also, of they are unhappy or unsatisfied, then it's important to communicate this to their spouse, and then work with them to make any changes both feel are necessary. if that won't or can't happen, then the person who is unhappy has other avenues available to them beyond having an affair, such as asking for an open marriage, choosing to separate and divorce, etc.

 

In short, all a spouse can do is control their own actions.

[xxoo]

Instead of seeking to "affair proof", which sounds like: job done, now I can relax.

 

Instead seek to court your own spouse and stay in love, indefinitely. Some call this "work", but I call it fun

[Timshel]

I don't think it's possible to "affair-proof" a marriage.

 

The sickness absolutely exhausts me. During the first trimester I would be home around 6:30-7:00 and fall asleep around 7:30, then sleep until 7:30 am. I have never felt so drained. It got a little better in the second trimester with me falling asleep at 9 PM. But I still have felt like I am "old" or "chronically ill."

 

I know sweetie, I was in stitches of the police and forced confinement joke.

 

Take care of yourself dreamingoftigers, when you are well, your little one is too. No snooze-fest speech about lights out, eating healthy and ** you are taking care of at least two people....even if you were to sleep all day.**

If your doc advised bed rest...consider that for yourself and tummy person. Anyone else beside your born baby......Pfhhhhht

[len51]

Having lost my first fiancee and second girlfriend to affairs, I decided to try a marriage that was monogamish. First off I recognized that monogamy is not working out too well for many people. Just about every sibling, friend and co-worker was cheating and either never caught or divorced. Affairs have been with us as long as relationships have. Everyone knows they exist and yet we enter into monogamous marriages with brains flooded with hormones and chemicals that make us truly believe that our spouses would never cheat on us.

 

Here is what me and my wife of over 40 years did to protect our marriage and not monogamy. We recognized that we are often controlled by our genes and emotions. We will be attracted to others and that attraction cannot always simply be ignored by sheer force of will. Just try loving or not loving someone by mere thought sometime. Look at all the famous, rich and powerful men who have fallen due to affairs. If Jimmy Carter and others cannot avoid an affair how can us mere mortals who have a lot less to lose, do so? Thinking you can avoid them is like thinking you will be brave in the face of danger. Yet some of my new replacements in Vietnam, tough street kids, some even former gang members, soiled their pants the first them they came under fire. What we think we can do and what we actually do are often very different.

 

We recognized our humanity and good chance that our emotions will sometimes lead us to make bad choices and decisions. Why ruin a loving and good marriage over sex with others as long as it is the exception and not the rule. Our goal was to protect our marriage and as long as a very occasional slip did not cause any ripples in our marriage, it was not a deal breaker or thought of as a betrayal of trust.

 

Affairs were not part of our monogamish marriage and both of us found that having some sexual freedom did not want us to tie ourselves down to one person or give ourselves emotionally to others. We all say that our love is so strong that our spouses will never cheat. In our case it has proven to be true while not so much with other married couples we know. My wife and I fell in love at first sight and were engaged 3 weeks later and married for 40+ and still going strong. We just have this bond that we cannot explain.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that we never worried about an affair, which to me is an emotional relationship with someone other than your spouse. Having just a sexual relationship is not an affair in our book. However, we are flexible and determine what is workable or not depending on how it affects our relationship. Both my wife and I did have a long term loving relationship but it was with the same women. Not wanting to have an affair without me, my bi wife had her first sexual experience with a woman in a threesome with me. I knew her girlfriend even longer than she did so it worked out great. We both fell in love with her. My wife said that since she had feelings for her girlfriend, she did not want to date her without me as that would risk our marriage. Her girlfriend lived with us for 7 years and then split her time between us and her husband after she got married. She too had a non monogamous marriage but it was limited to her husband and us. Anyone else would be cheating according to their rules.

 

Until we started meeting others in alternate lifestyles that changed the way marriage worked to deal with the reality of their situations, sexual needs and future desires. We were very conservative compared to most others but the goal everyone had was to preserve the marriage by eliminating all the lying, deception and sneaking around that has to be done in a monogamous marriage.

 

This was what we did and it worked great for us. We both had the love of another women who fit into our life perfectly and probably unlike any other could. You would think we went wild in our marriage but we had fewer sexual partners over the course of our marriage than some of my cheating married friends have in a year. My wife had sex with one other man and hated it and her steady girlfriend . I had sex with 6 other women with three of them being in our second year of marriage when I was away from my wife for 6 months and was not expected to be celibate. The other three were spread over 40 years and all were prior to our moving out of State. The longest one lasted 3 nights.

 

My wife and I both agree that we would have divorced a long time ago if we were strictly monogamous. Thy funny thing is that I was overseas for a third of each year for a 10 year period and yet I never even spoke to another women while my co-workers took advantage of sex with others with zero chance of getting caught by their wives and husbands on the other side of the world. Just knowing that I could took the taboo excitement element out of a fling. I did not want an affair because between my wife and our girlfriend, all of my important needs were being met. Two women was enough for me. Three is crazy. It was a lot of fun when both of them went through menopause, one after the other.

 

Affairs are usually the result of a spouse not fulfilling some or all of the emotional and sexual needs of their spouse. What I heard most from woman who were in affairs was that their husbands took them for granted after years of marriage. They no longer had to to anything to get sex. No more telling their wife that they were sex and desirable. No more giving them a reason to dress up every weekend for a night on the town. The woman I knew that their new lovers made them feel like they did before they got married. They made them feel very sexy, desirable and attractive again. There is that an also the fact that with a lover you are together only for the fun and game parts of a relationship. He is not telling you that you spend too much money, forget to do the laundry or is too tired for sex.

 

There is something called New Relationship Excitement (NRE). Anyone into polyamory knows about this. It is a time when you want to be together all the time, everything the other person says is interesting and you overlook each other's faults. You are not having to deal with all the boring and difficult stuff that goes into a marriage. No arguments over kids, personal habits, etc.. Your lover will agree with you on anything you say about your spouse. You are always right in your view of things. You now see this behavior on social media where you find someone of the opposite sex who commiserates with you and becomes your ally in all things.

 

The seminar instructor in me make me write long posts but I do so to give the reader more than a terse answer. A proper strategy to minimize the risk of an affair will not include strict monogamy nor an open marriage. It will also include good communications to let each other know what is bothering you and a willingness for the other spouse to do something to correct that. I tell my wife she is hot and that I love her, every day. I consider her needs and wants in every decision I make that may affect her. She does the same. We enjoy pleasing each other. My wife and I have not reason to seek an emotional affair other than the one we share. Each of us had given in to temptation to try sex with someone else. It is a great ego boost and exciting to have sex in an unpredictable way for a change. As long as it does not affect our marriage, who cares.

 

Call us immoral or deviant perverts but we have been married longer than most people who say that. If I wanted to have sex with one of the hot models I knew from work, the moral way to do so would mean first destroying the life I made with my wife, sell the home we lived in for so long, fight over an alimony amount and who gets what. In the end we hate each other. Then and only then can I morally have a one night stand with that model. Seems kind of silly but most in the world prefer serial monogamy because of the remnants of owning one's spouse and reasons for monogamy that do not exist anymore, are still genetically in us. What is interesting is that monogamy is a genetic trait that proved to be successful by having both parents stay to raise a child, thus giving it a better chance to survive to pass along the family genes. It assured the man in ancient time who had limited resources and time, that he was not wasting it on raising children who did not carry his genes. Bloodlines were very important and still seem to be.

 

Yet, there is another very successful strategy to pass along one's genes. This is having sex with as many people as you can. I man can impregnate several women a day and by the law of averages, some will survive to adulthood. For women, they would want to mate with a male that has good genes to insure that their child will be strong and healthy. That male may not be their husband whom they love but just does not have the best genes.

 

Both strategies work and both are genetically passed along to the next generation. Marriage is a man made to provide order in society. Only 3% of mammals for pair bonds for life. Many will say that free will should be applied to reject an affair or one night stand. The problem with that is that despite our free will and knowing what is morally expected of us, we have lots of laws, law enforcement people, fines and penalties and more, to deal with our human condition that is not robotic and more governed by our gene and emotions.

 

Take from this what you will. Our marriage thrived as did that of our girlfriend. We are the only ones in our social circle who made it. What bothers our divorced friends the most is that we never got jealous. They could not understand that. Jealousy stems from insecurity and fear of lost. If you are secure in what you offer, there is no reason to be jealous. I think it better to have a wife who wants me even though they can have others, than have a wife who feels obligated morally to stay with me. Try making marriage fit your needs and do not blindly accept rules that date back from a time when things were different.

[Mr. Lucky]

If Jimmy Carter and others cannot avoid an affair how can us mere mortals who have a lot less to lose, do so?

 

While President Carter famously admitted to having "lusted in his heart", don't believe he ever stated or was thought to have had an affair...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

Having lost my first fiancee and second girlfriend to affairs, I decided to try a marriage that was monogamish. First off I recognized that monogamy is not working out too well for many people. Just about every sibling, friend and co-worker was cheating and either never caught or divorced. Affairs have been with us as long as relationships have. Everyone knows they exist and yet we enter into monogamous marriages with brains flooded with hormones and chemicals that make us truly believe that our spouses would never cheat on us.

 

Here is what me and my wife of over 40 years did to protect our marriage and not monogamy. We recognized that we are often controlled by our genes and emotions. We will be attracted to others and that attraction cannot always simply be ignored by sheer force of will. Just try loving or not loving someone by mere thought sometime. Look at all the famous, rich and powerful men who have fallen due to affairs. If Jimmy Carter and others cannot avoid an affair how can us mere mortals who have a lot less to lose, do so? Thinking you can avoid them is like thinking you will be brave in the face of danger. Yet some of my new replacements in Vietnam, tough street kids, some even former gang members, soiled their pants the first them they came under fire. What we think we can do and what we actually do are often very different.

 

We recognized our humanity and good chance that our emotions will sometimes lead us to make bad choices and decisions. Why ruin a loving and good marriage over sex with others as long as it is the exception and not the rule. Our goal was to protect our marriage and as long as a very occasional slip did not cause any ripples in our marriage, it was not a deal breaker or thought of as a betrayal of trust.

 

Affairs were not part of our monogamish marriage and both of us found that having some sexual freedom did not want us to tie ourselves down to one person or give ourselves emotionally to others. We all say that our love is so strong that our spouses will never cheat. In our case it has proven to be true while not so much with other married couples we know. My wife and I fell in love at first sight and were engaged 3 weeks later and married for 40+ and still going strong. We just have this bond that we cannot explain.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that we never worried about an affair, which to me is an emotional relationship with someone other than your spouse. Having just a sexual relationship is not an affair in our book. However, we are flexible and determine what is workable or not depending on how it affects our relationship. Both my wife and I did have a long term loving relationship but it was with the same women. Not wanting to have an affair without me, my bi wife had her first sexual experience with a woman in a threesome with me. I knew her girlfriend even longer than she did so it worked out great. We both fell in love with her. My wife said that since she had feelings for her girlfriend, she did not want to date her without me as that would risk our marriage. Her girlfriend lived with us for 7 years and then split her time between us and her husband after she got married. She too had a non monogamous marriage but it was limited to her husband and us. Anyone else would be cheating according to their rules.

 

Until we started meeting others in alternate lifestyles that changed the way marriage worked to deal with the reality of their situations, sexual needs and future desires. We were very conservative compared to most others but the goal everyone had was to preserve the marriage by eliminating all the lying, deception and sneaking around that has to be done in a monogamous marriage.

 

This was what we did and it worked great for us. We both had the love of another women who fit into our life perfectly and probably unlike any other could. You would think we went wild in our marriage but we had fewer sexual partners over the course of our marriage than some of my cheating married friends have in a year. My wife had sex with one other man and hated it and her steady girlfriend . I had sex with 6 other women with three of them being in our second year of marriage when I was away from my wife for 6 months and was not expected to be celibate. The other three were spread over 40 years and all were prior to our moving out of State. The longest one lasted 3 nights.

 

My wife and I both agree that we would have divorced a long time ago if we were strictly monogamous. Thy funny thing is that I was overseas for a third of each year for a 10 year period and yet I never even spoke to another women while my co-workers took advantage of sex with others with zero chance of getting caught by their wives and husbands on the other side of the world. Just knowing that I could took the taboo excitement element out of a fling. I did not want an affair because between my wife and our girlfriend, all of my important needs were being met. Two women was enough for me. Three is crazy. It was a lot of fun when both of them went through menopause, one after the other.

 

Affairs are usually the result of a spouse not fulfilling some or all of the emotional and sexual needs of their spouse. What I heard most from woman who were in affairs was that their husbands took them for granted after years of marriage. They no longer had to to anything to get sex. No more telling their wife that they were sex and desirable. No more giving them a reason to dress up every weekend for a night on the town. The woman I knew that their new lovers made them feel like they did before they got married. They made them feel very sexy, desirable and attractive again. There is that an also the fact that with a lover you are together only for the fun and game parts of a relationship. He is not telling you that you spend too much money, forget to do the laundry or is too tired for sex.

 

There is something called New Relationship Excitement (NRE). Anyone into polyamory knows about this. It is a time when you want to be together all the time, everything the other person says is interesting and you overlook each other's faults. You are not having to deal with all the boring and difficult stuff that goes into a marriage. No arguments over kids, personal habits, etc.. Your lover will agree with you on anything you say about your spouse. You are always right in your view of things. You now see this behavior on social media where you find someone of the opposite sex who commiserates with you and becomes your ally in all things.

 

The seminar instructor in me make me write long posts but I do so to give the reader more than a terse answer. A proper strategy to minimize the risk of an affair will not include strict monogamy nor an open marriage. It will also include good communications to let each other know what is bothering you and a willingness for the other spouse to do something to correct that. I tell my wife she is hot and that I love her, every day. I consider her needs and wants in every decision I make that may affect her. She does the same. We enjoy pleasing each other. My wife and I have not reason to seek an emotional affair other than the one we share. Each of us had given in to temptation to try sex with someone else. It is a great ego boost and exciting to have sex in an unpredictable way for a change. As long as it does not affect our marriage, who cares.

 

Call us immoral or deviant perverts but we have been married longer than most people who say that. If I wanted to have sex with one of the hot models I knew from work, the moral way to do so would mean first destroying the life I made with my wife, sell the home we lived in for so long, fight over an alimony amount and who gets what. In the end we hate each other. Then and only then can I morally have a one night stand with that model. Seems kind of silly but most in the world prefer serial monogamy because of the remnants of owning one's spouse and reasons for monogamy that do not exist anymore, are still genetically in us. What is interesting is that monogamy is a genetic trait that proved to be successful by having both parents stay to raise a child, thus giving it a better chance to survive to pass along the family genes. It assured the man in ancient time who had limited resources and time, that he was not wasting it on raising children who did not carry his genes. Bloodlines were very important and still seem to be.

 

Yet, there is another very successful strategy to pass along one's genes. This is having sex with as many people as you can. I man can impregnate several women a day and by the law of averages, some will survive to adulthood. For women, they would want to mate with a male that has good genes to insure that their child will be strong and healthy. That male may not be their husband whom they love but just does not have the best genes.

 

Both strategies work and both are genetically passed along to the next generation. Marriage is a man made to provide order in society. Only 3% of mammals for pair bonds for life. Many will say that free will should be applied to reject an affair or one night stand. The problem with that is that despite our free will and knowing what is morally expected of us, we have lots of laws, law enforcement people, fines and penalties and more, to deal with our human condition that is not robotic and more governed by our gene and emotions.

 

Take from this what you will. Our marriage thrived as did that of our girlfriend. We are the only ones in our social circle who made it. What bothers our divorced friends the most is that we never got jealous. They could not understand that. Jealousy stems from insecurity and fear of lost. If you are secure in what you offer, there is no reason to be jealous. I think it better to have a wife who wants me even though they can have others, than have a wife who feels obligated morally to stay with me. Try making marriage fit your needs and do not blindly accept rules that date back from a time when things were different.

 

It's good that you found something that worked for the two fo you and that you are both happy. It sounds like you are both honest wit one another, and that si so important in a relationship.

 

My only problem is the assumption that those who choose to remain monogamous are somehow only doing so because they are blindly accepting what society tells them to do. For some of us, monogamy is they way we are wired. I have been in many relationships in my life, and in all of them, I was monogamous. I can't explain why- and don't feel I should have to, tbh- but when i am with someone, they are the only person I have any interest in.

 

I do find it interesting that in those societies where having relationships outside of marriage are practiced, it tends to be mostly the males that are afforded that privileged. The women are not.

 

I have met many women in my time from cultures where that is the norm, and pretty near to every one fo them was unhappy with the idea their husband's were also seeing someone else. In fact, some found it downright painful.

[wmacbride]

While President Carter famously admitted to having "lusted in his heart", don't believe he ever stated or was thought to have had an affair...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

this is an interesting point.

 

many people quotes stats that say "x number of people have had affairs".

define "affair".

[dichotomy]

As we explore sexuality more these days - I think it has opened my mind to the many many ways people express their sexuality - there are so many terms and classifications these days for peoples sexuality. It can also be fluid.

 

However I saw a list recently that basically also classified people who need to bond emotionally and exclusively for sex. I have been one of those (not sure if I am anymore but I was).

 

So yes - just as there are all the (insert term here)sexuals in the world. There are also monogamous ones, but maybe we are in the minority.

 

Lets hope as people learn about sexuality and about their true selves that they can honestly seek like minded partners for what ever relationship they need. I think perhaps this a way to affair proof the marriage - because two people can define what a betrayal and affair is and what their needs are (sex being just one thing - but important). My wife and I have had some pretty major arguments over this kind of thing - love and sex go together for me and I can only love one romantic person at a time - for her not so much. We could have had that talk before marriage - but I just assumed that my view was universal and normal.

 

 

I do like the posts about understanding your potential partners needs and wants in a marriage and working hard to be there for those things - it helps. Also to grow and adapt with each other and support that growth.

 

 

 

P.S. off topic

 

Maybe in 20 years there will be pop songs about the loneliness and shunning of being monogamist...."I have decided to come out of the barn - I am a monogamist (GASP!) and I was born this way and I want to be married to someone like me! (bigger GASP !)".

Edited April 4, 2016 by dichotomy

[jasmineb]

My job is to affair proof myself and nurture my relationship. But I cannot control my partner. So there is no guaranteed if/then.