The last time I logged on was 2012 and in the dating section, now I'm Divorcing

[vsmini]

Where do I even start?

I haven't logged onto LoveShack since February 2012. It's 4 years later and last night I told my husband I wanted a divorce.

 

My husband and I got married 2 years ago. 6 months into our marriage we moved back to our home state and into my mother's empty home (she has 2 homes and lives in another house.) The plan was to stay there for a year, save money and then move to our own place. My husband was hesitant to do it but he agreed that it would be good for us to save up and it was nice that we would have the house to ourselves.

 

He had trouble finding work (a situation I posted about when we were dating) I was working as we transferred to our home state for my job. He decided he wanted to work from home and start his own business. I fully supported this. I was mostly the breadwinner as everyone knows, that first year of business is usually not a big moneymaker. We adopted a dog and things changed. He became obsessed with this dog, started feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of the dog, and started getting upset with me for having a full-time job and "leaving him" with the dog all day while I was at work. I proposed daycare for the dog so he could get more work done during the day but he refuses to neuter the dog so daycare won't accept him. We can board him but my husband thinks that's cruel to do during the day.

 

I feel like my husband creates problems that don't need to be there and then freaks out by the imaginary roadblocks he puts up.

 

One day we were arguing about being late to his family holiday (he's always late and I like to be on time) "They are MY family, why do you care?" It wasn't a huge fight but he snapped and said he was going to move out, back to his mom's house. He's a man in his 30's by the way. The next day there was a moving truck in our driveway. I told him not to, that it wouldn't be good for the relationship. I begged. That was nearly 4 months ago. He comes by to take care of the dog while I'm at work and we talk regularly. He has refused therapy in ANY regard, either by himself or go with me to marriage counseling. I have been going to marriage therapy by myself for 4 months.

 

He did agree to move back in last month but stated he would not go to therapy and he wanted to NOT talk about him moving out, he doesn't want me holding it over his head and he wants to "move on" He won't even discuss it. I said I can't accept that as he could do this again - we haven't even talked about the root of the issue on why he left. He doesn't care. He just isn't mentally equipped to have that conversation.

 

All of this and I still feel guilty for asking for a divorce. I feel like I'm giving up on him. Is this the "worse" they talk about when you say for better or for worse? He had a horrible upbringing and I know he suffers psych issues but he will not get help for it.

 

Any advice or just someone to talk to would be appreciated. I know it sounds strange but I don't have the energy to even talk to my friends about this. It just feels like a mix of shame and despair.

[d0nnivain]

His refusal to talk is a bigger problem then anything else you posted about.

 

 

Where is his new business? If no where, can you get him to go see the counselors at www.SCORE.org and to attend classes through the SBA's SBDC? These are organizations which help small businesses for FREE. Perhaps having a steadier income will help him feel more like a man.

 

 

Hire a local kid in the neighborhood to walk the dog after school.

 

 

Ask probing questions like "how can I help?" or "what do you want?" press gently but firmly until he answers those questions with specifics.

[vsmini]

His refusal to talk is a bigger problem then anything else you posted about.

 

 

Where is his new business? If no where, can you get him to go see the counselors at www.SCORE.org and to attend classes through the SBA's SBDC? These are organizations which help small businesses for FREE. Perhaps having a steadier income will help him feel more like a man.

 

 

Hire a local kid in the neighborhood to walk the dog after school.

 

 

Ask probing questions like "how can I help?" or "what do you want?" press gently but firmly until he answers those questions with specifics.

 

Thank you for your response. I have actually started taking steps to hire dog walkers, even our neighbor friend's college kid is willing to do it but my husband refuses as he doesn't trust other people with our dogs. When I say that he is borderline obsessed with these dogs I really do mean it. I can see how he is overwhelmed with caring for them because he puts SO much at stake for them. So hiring someone to walk them is also not an option.

 

I have asked him how I can help and he has proposed that I go part-time at my job and help him with his business so I can be at home more and help out (please keep in mind when I am home I do help) but if I go part-time I will lose our health-insurance and won't make enough to pay our bills because the business doesn't bring in enough money. It's just not financially possible right now but he insists it has to be that way.

[d0nnivain]

I have asked him how I can help and he has proposed that I go part-time at my job and help him with his business so I can be at home more and help out (please keep in mind when I am home I do help) but if I go part-time I will lose our health-insurance and won't make enough to pay our bills because the business doesn't bring in enough money. It's just not financially possible right now but he insists it has to be that way.

 

I agree with you that his plan is not feasible.

 

 

I'd make some appointments with SCORE & the SBA for him (with his permission) and take 1 day off to go with him. With their input have him write a meaningful business plan & brain storm with them about cost effective ways for him to get the admin support he expects from you from elsewhere. Have him implement those strategies but do keep on working so you can supply the health insurance. As an added incentive, contact various health insurers to determine the market price of coverage for the two of you so you can show him in dollars & sense why his new business will not support you both being in the business.

[Art_Critic]

With the business.. it sounds like he is trying to get you to invest your time in the business to the point you can't walk away from it, then he will..be careful..his history of not holding a job is about to repeat itself.

 

He is looking for help because he wants others to do for him once the going gets tough..

 

As far as the rest, I'd be gone if my wife pulled a moving truck up to my house and said she was moving back home to Mom...

[PegNosePete]

I still feel guilty for asking for a divorce.

One does not ASK for a divorce. One applies to a court for one. His permission or co-operation or even his signature, are not required.

 

I agree with Art, if my partner pulled that stunt, I would tell her to take the dog with her and change the locks the next day.

 

His refusal to discuss anything is a total deal breaker. I would tell him that if he doesn't agree to MC starting next week then you will be applying for a divorce. If he won't communicate then I don[t see how the marriage can be fixed.