If your husband moved out because he was "overwhelmed" what would you do?

[vsmini]

I've already asked for a divorce but I just want to see other's perspective.

 

If your husband moved out and told you he was leaving because he felt "overwhelmed" with the house not being clean and overwhelmed with caring for the dogs while trying to start up his own business (but you had a full-time job that you couldn't leave because it supported the both of you) would you give this guy all the time he needed to sort out his issues?

 

He won't go to therapy. Neither with me to marriage counseling (I've been going for 4 months) or by himself. That's a non-negotiable. He's made that clear.

[Arieswoman]

vsmini,

I'm sorry you are in this position.

 

How many dogs do you have and what business is he trying to start?

[d0nnivain]

I'd let him go if I couldn't drag him to therapy.

 

 

However, before it got to that point, why didn't you just hire a housekeeper? Such a person had to be way cheaper then a divorce.

[SammySammy]

Why not clean the house and get rid of the dogs?

 

Is a messy house and dogs more important than your marriage?

[vsmini]

Why not clean the house and get rid of the dogs?

 

Is a messy house and dogs more important than your marriage?

 

 

 

He would never get rid of the dogs. He loves them more than anything. Also a non-negotiable for him.

He also has 2 hands and is able to help clean the house.

[d0nnivain]

He also has 2 hands and is able to help clean the house.

 

 

Ahhhhh. . . resentment

 

 

Seriously just pay somebody to clean the house. I'm a lousy housekeeper & a messy person. The stuff got overwhelming. We hired somebody. What a huge difference. It took away so much stress. You have no idea what the clutter is doing to you both emotionally.

 

 

Paying that initial cleaning person the huge sums to de-clutter was some of the best money we ever spent.

[vsmini]

Ahhhhh. . . resentment

 

 

Seriously just pay somebody to clean the house. I'm a lousy housekeeper & a messy person. The stuff got overwhelming. We hired somebody. What a huge difference. It took away so much stress. You have no idea what the clutter is doing to you both emotionally.

 

 

Paying that initial cleaning person the huge sums to de-clutter was some of the best money we ever spent.

 

I know I seem to have an answer for everything but…I have also proposed this. He doesn't think we should pay someone to help clean. He thinks it's ridiculous that I just can't take care of cleaning. He thinks hiring someone to do it is elitist and silly.

[d0nnivain]

I know I seem to have an answer for everything but…I have also proposed this. He doesn't think we should pay someone to help clean. He thinks it's ridiculous that I just can't take care of cleaning. He thinks hiring someone to do it is elitist and silly.

 

 

For a man who wants to open his own business he has a poor understanding about the time value of money. Show him on paper what his expected hourly rate of pay for his business is and what your hourly pay (with benefits like the health insurance) equals. Compare that to the costs of a housekeeper, which should be less. It's more economically efficient.

 

 

If he can't understand that, he has no business being self employed.

[stillafool]

I've already asked for a divorce but I just want to see other's perspective.

 

If your husband moved out and told you he was leaving because he felt "overwhelmed" with the house not being clean and overwhelmed with caring for the dogs while trying to start up his own business (but you had a full-time job that you couldn't leave because it supported the both of you) would you give this guy all the time he needed to sort out his issues?

 

He won't go to therapy. Neither with me to marriage counseling (I've been going for 4 months) or by himself. That's a non-negotiable. He's made that clear.

 

I'd let him go. File already.

[Art_Critic]

I'd be gone..

 

Is he depressed ?

[Rejected Rosebud]

I read your other thread. The whole situation seems to be a mess. Of course we are only getting one side of the story but from what you've said it doesn't sound like he is providing any kind of partnership at all and may even have some psychological problems.

 

Why did you get a second dog when the first one pushed everything over the edge?

[vsmini]

 

Why did you get a second dog when the first one pushed everything over the edge?

 

It was a mistake. My husband felt very guilty for anytime he wasn't playing or giving our dog attention so we got another dog so they could be companions. The dogs love each other and provide each other company and they play together but my husband still feels overwhelmed. It's not the additional dog that is causing him stress.

[vsmini]

I'd be gone..

 

Is he depressed ?

 

Yes - he is depressed. Though he's never been diagnosed he has recognized his crippling social anxiety and his depression. He often complains of chest pains when he is anxious. I have tried, so many times, to get him to see an internist and/or psych/counselor - I've even made the appointments and tried to get him in the car but he will not go. He doesn't believe in therapy or that doctors can help him. It's very hard to communicate with him about these issues.

[SunnyWeather]

he sounds spoiled, and perhaps has been enabled for all these years to be such a priss

 

maybe it's a good thing for him to see what it's like out there? sounds like you have been doing everything for him, and he might have a change of perspective once he's out in the big world again--ALONE

 

who's going to take care of the dogs when he leaves?

 

good for you for starting to put up boundaries, and meaning them!

 

going to therapy is a lot cheaper than a divorce, and could act as a mediator to balance out the gross imbalances that currently exist. no wonder he doesn't want to go, he's got a good thing going and a third party will point out the glaring one sided ness of it

 

be firm, set your boundaries and let him chose how he wants to roll with it. you deserve a partner, not a child.

 

and the same goes for you too, stop mothering him

Edited April 2, 2016 by SunnyWeather

[Arieswoman]

donnivain #8

 

For a man who wants to open his own business he has a poor understanding about the time value of money. Show him on paper what his expected hourly rate of pay for his business is and what your hourly pay (with benefits like the health insurance) equals. Compare that to the costs of a housekeeper, which should be less. It's more economically efficient.

 

 

If he can't understand that, he has no business being self employed.

 

Smart answer, ^^^ sums it all up.

 

IMO he's being totally irrational.

 

I think his problems go beyond just resisting using a pooper-scooper.

 

It's your call I'm afraid.

[13Hearts]

I know I seem to have an answer for everything but…I have also proposed this. He doesn't think we should pay someone to help clean. He thinks it's ridiculous that I just can't take care of cleaning. He thinks hiring someone to do it is elitist and silly.

 

Wow, what an azzhol*. So you're supposed to work every day, clean the house, AND take care of the dogs while he stays home, doesn't help out around the house, takes care of "starting a business," and leaves YOU because he can't take it? Here's what I'd do. March right on down to the lawyer's office and file for the fastest divorce I can get. AND I'd ask the court to grant mw the house and the dogs, and he provide alimony.

 

Not sure why you're contemplating putting up with this crap from a guy who contributes nothing, demands you do everything, and then abandons you, the dogs, the marriage, the house, and all responsibility. Are there kids, too?

[13Hearts]

duplicate post

[vsmini]

he sounds spoiled, and perhaps has been enabled for all these years to be such a priss

 

maybe it's a good thing for him to see what it's like out there? sounds like you have been doing everything for him, and he might have a change of perspective once he's out in the big world again--ALONE

 

who's going to take care of the dogs when he leaves?

 

 

I've been taking care of them but he comes over to let them out and play with them on the days I'm at work. And I have to say….with a full-time job. The dogs are NOT keeping me from living life. I take really good care of them. Park trips, ball outside, tons of attention. It's not that hard. But for him, he thought it was too much. He literally told me that the dogs destroyed our marriage. Sometimes it felt like I was in the Twilight Zone

[vsmini]

 

Not sure why you're contemplating putting up with this crap from a guy who contributes nothing, demands you do everything, and then abandons you, the dogs, the marriage, the house, and all responsibility. Are there kids, too?

 

No kids. Deciding on divorce was not easy but it became "easier" when I realized I cannot bring kids into this world with him. Especially because they would be 10x harder than dogs and I cannot be with a man where I'm afraid he will walk out on me again….only the next time, with kids.

[CarrieT]

You have made as many accommodations for him that were possible and it still wasn't enough for him.

 

He left because he couldn't handle the relationship - not just the dogs - so the best thing you can do is let him go.

 

I don't see him or the relationship worth fighting for if he isn't willing to compromise or fight for it himself.

[LydiaLong]

Sounds like he's making an excuse for wanting to leave. You can't force him to stay. Give him a time line. If he still doesn't want to come back, move on.

[13Hearts]

No kids. Deciding on divorce was not easy but it became "easier" when I realized I cannot bring kids into this world with him. Especially because they would be 10x harder than dogs and I cannot be with a man where I'm afraid he will walk out on me again….only the next time, with kids.

 

Good for you. And you're right. He can't handle kids. He's one of those kind of guys. He'll be jealous of children because you'll be too busy taking care of them and raising them.

 

Good riddance.

[SunnyWeather]

I've been taking care of them but he comes over to let them out and play with them on the days I'm at work. And I have to say….with a full-time job. The dogs are NOT keeping me from living life. I take really good care of them. Park trips, ball outside, tons of attention. It's not that hard. But for him, he thought it was too much. He literally told me that the dogs destroyed our marriage. Sometimes it felt like I was in the Twilight Zone

 

I wouldn't blame it on the dogs, rather on the co dependence. you are still taking care of him. he simply doesn't have the ability or inclination to care for another in any way. I suspect he will quickly find another 'mommy' substitute because it sounds like someone has taken care of him his whole life.

[spiderowl]

It does sound like he is depressed and has other kinds of issues such as anxiety and obsessive behaviours. Feeling overwhelmed is a symptom of depression and (I know this well) it is a terrible feeling. You just want to put your head in your hands and shut the world out. All this is a lot for you to cope with and I really don't blame you for giving up. Unfortunately, he is likely to be in a downward spiral because he is not willing to consider help in any form and it is not just depression, the obsession is making itself known.

 

You have done a lot to support him and tried to manage his problems but sometimes these kinds of issues reach a point where you can't do much. He really does need counselling or therapy. I am sorry this is hurting you so much. You are in a situation now where you can go on trying to 'save' him or you can look after yourself. I think you need to look after yourself and do what makes you feel secure and relieved. If you feel a divorce would do that, then you have every right to wash your hands of the situation and get your freedom back. I know this must be very hurtful all the same.

 

As for your husband, if you still have contact with him, all you can do (if you want to) is to keep advising him to accept help. You could tell him that it can make a difference to depression and anxiety problems. That his suffering can be relieved. You may not want to be involved any more of course.

 

I really hope that things improve for you. You can't wrap him in cotton wool and he is resisting all your attempts to help. It might help you if you talked to mental health professionals about the situation. They might be better able to analyse what is going on and offer some help to him, if not you. I truly sympathise with your predicament. You deserve some happiness too.

Edited April 4, 2016 by spiderowl

[turnera]

I would thank my stars I found out what a wuss he is now rather than later, and I'd move on.