Not one to judge but...

[Fernando2826]

I'm seeing a girl at uni at present. She has just opened up to me about her past and i'm concerned, since we are progressing towards a relationship seemingly.

 

She told me that she has been seeing a counsellor lately in order to sort out her issues with fidelity and self-worth. Her father abandoned the family when she was at an early age, leaving her with a desire to "gain confidence from the attention of men".

 

From the age of 16-18 she was (it appears to me) highly promiscuous, partying often and slept with about 12 guys. I'm not sure whether this constitutes promiscuity these days.

 

She then calmed down and settled down with a boyfriend. They managed to make it work for 2 years at long distance before she "fell out of love with him" and slept with another guy at a festival, twice. She told me that she hadn't "even felt that guilty", hadn't told the boyfriend and stayed with him for 3 months afterwards, but was determined to change her ways and not "become her father".

 

After a 2 month period of "focusing on [herself]", which she referred to as a "long time being single", she got together with another guy. She refers to this as her most intense relationship. After 6 months, she had referred to him as "soulmate" etc. and spoke of a long-term future with him. However, once they parted for university, everything changed. after just a week, she stopped messaging the guy and ended up in bed with another guy a week later. She claims nothing happened but this seems unlikely given what I know.

 

At uni she is pretty wild, partying often, doing drugs, drinking heavily etc. However, she is not seeing this counsellor, and hasn't cheated on me in the year we've been seeing one another. We also share all of our friends so it seems unlikely that she could do so without becoming a social pariah. I just don't know how to approach this. Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

You know she's a party girl who despite a rough beginning seems to be maturing into a more stable person. You can either have faith that she's growing up or you can dump her in punishment for things she did as a child before you even knew her.

 

 

Whatever you chose, don't share your reasoning or what you know about her past with the group. Her past is not your story to tell. At most when friends ask about why you broke up say something vague like you weren't as compatible as you thought.

[preraph]

Honestly, given her history and her age, her behavior isn't that out of the norm. School years in college are the age when people explore the most, abuse everything the most, and are often promiscuous. I had another reason for fixing my confidence with sex in those years, but it amounts to the same thing. I have always said that being in love for the brief time it was mutual ruined casual sex for me. And I'm still not sure that was a good thing, honestly. So like her, I'm not the least bit remorseful. We all have our own journey. There's a whole lot of guys who live her lifestyle and never have anyone question it.

 

But of course, the fact remains, how do you fit in. Only you and she can work that out. If the trust issues are insurmountable for you, I understand that. It might be that if you walked away now and revisited her when she was 28, she'd be settled down by then.

 

As far as playing the field goes and sleeping around and partying, I know with me, I always hoped it would lead to the man who'd let me focus on him and be good to him and be faithful to him and vice versa. And I think that happens for most. It's not like her goal is to keep this up forever. She is finding her legs, but she is also searching for the guy who loves her back. Unless she's really out there with substances or a sex addiction or a bipolar disorder or something, she will get this exploration out of her system and calm down one of these days. With men, they used to call it in the olden days "sewing their wild oats." Even today, I don't think a lot of guys are ready to be monogamous and faithful until they have sewn their wild oats. And the threat of pregnancy is the only reason a lot of women aren't the same.

 

But you are right that she may need to at least check in with a therapist once in a while. It does sound like she went long enough to understand why she is the way she is. And that sounds like a good explanation, too. Just knowing it doesn't make you change right away, or sometimes even at all. But it sews a seed and a person hopefully beings to consult that seed of insight before she acts and to question herself and monitor herself more.

 

You can't talk her into or out of anything. This is her journey. How you choose to fit in, well, always consider what's good for you first. I would not tell you to overlook your own needs just to benefit her. I would tell you just to see how this relationship goes and whether she seems to be settling into it or whether she remains trying to scatter herself around, which means she's still searching. But she did have someone for 2 years. That's pretty good at her age. Good luck. Think of yourself first. Don't take on all her problems and make them more important than your own well-being.

[Fernando2826]

Honestly, given her history and her age, her behavior isn't that out of the norm. School years in college are the age when people explore the most, abuse everything the most, and are often promiscuous. I had another reason for fixing my confidence with sex in those years, but it amounts to the same thing. I have always said that being in love for the brief time it was mutual ruined casual sex for me. And I'm still not sure that was a good thing, honestly. So like her, I'm not the least bit remorseful. We all have our own journey. There's a whole lot of guys who live her lifestyle and never have anyone question it.

 

But of course, the fact remains, how do you fit in. Only you and she can work that out. If the trust issues are insurmountable for you, I understand that. It might be that if you walked away now and revisited her when she was 28, she'd be settled down by then.

 

As far as playing the field goes and sleeping around and partying, I know with me, I always hoped it would lead to the man who'd let me focus on him and be good to him and be faithful to him and vice versa. And I think that happens for most. It's not like her goal is to keep this up forever. She is finding her legs, but she is also searching for the guy who loves her back. Unless she's really out there with substances or a sex addiction or a bipolar disorder or something, she will get this exploration out of her system and calm down one of these days. With men, they used to call it in the olden days "sewing their wild oats." Even today, I don't think a lot of guys are ready to be monogamous and faithful until they have sewn their wild oats. And the threat of pregnancy is the only reason a lot of women aren't the same.

 

But you are right that she may need to at least check in with a therapist once in a while. It does sound like she went long enough to understand why she is the way she is. And that sounds like a good explanation, too. Just knowing it doesn't make you change right away, or sometimes even at all. But it sews a seed and a person hopefully beings to consult that seed of insight before she acts and to question herself and monitor herself more.

 

You can't talk her into or out of anything. This is her journey. How you choose to fit in, well, always consider what's good for you first. I would not tell you to overlook your own needs just to benefit her. I would tell you just to see how this relationship goes and whether she seems to be settling into it or whether she remains trying to scatter herself around, which means she's still searching. But she did have someone for 2 years. That's pretty good at her age. Good luck. Think of yourself first. Don't take on all her problems and make them more important than your own well-being.

 

 

Perhaps, although I feel that her degree of promiscuity is not as common as suggested, but I certainly don't judge her for this.

 

What I am more inclined to feel concerned about is her cheating on partners. You say that it is just symptomatic of a yearning for exploration but, to my mind, cheating on a partner requires a degree of selfishness and thoughtlessness. This is what concerns me.

 

She allowed these men, or even encouraged them, to believe that she adored them, only to suddenly drop them (in both cases) and to cheat. If she wanted to continue her exploration she could have just ended these relationships, but instead chose to cheat and hurt people who thought the world of her.

[MrMeh]

I would be pretty scared. She referred to one of her past partners as her "soulmate", and yet it only took her one week to cheat on him. The scarier part to me is that her cheating also seems emotionally unpredictable.

 

Only time will tell how the dice will roll, but it doesn't seem like the odds are in your favor.

[Fernando2826]

I would be pretty scared. She referred to one of her past partners as her "soulmate", and yet it only took her one week to cheat on him. The scarier part to me is that her cheating also seems emotionally unpredictable.

 

Only time will tell how the dice will roll, but it doesn't seem like the odds are in your favor.

 

More than this - she told him that she would struggle to abort his child, that he was her world, that he was the perfect man, then ended up kissing another guy, flirting with him, ended up in his bed, and may have done more on the very night that her bf was driving 4 hours to visit her.

 

We have been on and off in seeing one another. When we were 'off' in Summer she also slept with the above ex in a one night stand.

[preraph]

Perhaps, although I feel that her degree of promiscuity is not as common as suggested, but I certainly don't judge her for this.

 

What I am more inclined to feel concerned about is her cheating on partners. You say that it is just symptomatic of a yearning for exploration but, to my mind, cheating on a partner requires a degree of selfishness and thoughtlessness. This is what concerns me.

 

She allowed these men, or even encouraged them, to believe that she adored them, only to suddenly drop them (in both cases) and to cheat. If she wanted to continue her exploration she could have just ended these relationships, but instead chose to cheat and hurt people who thought the world of her.

 

Well, it depends on some details. If they had a real commitment and were supposed to be exclusive, then yes, if she went out with other men without breaking up first, that IS cheating. But they might not have even been exclusive. If she broke up with someone and then went out with the next guy, that is not cheating. That is doing it in the right order. But you did say a lot of this happened when she was in her teens. You really can't judge someone for stuff they did in their teens. It's too young to be even trying to be settled down or know what you want or anything else.

 

So if she was in her teens when she suddenly went off with another guy, well, that's kind of what teens do. I once ghosted on a guy in my senior year because he tried to make out with me in a cold muddy lake and it was gross. I never gave him a reason or anything. It just turned me completely off and I didn't want to tell him why and didn't really understand why myself. I was too chicken. It was crazy. Because I was a teenager.

[Maxtor]

It's not worth the trouble. She will always be like this. But you will learn it the hard way.