Mother is always trying to hang with me

[missk803]

Let me just say this first.. I love my mom and I do enjoy hanging with her sometimes but I think there should be limits.

 

My mom just ended her long term relationship a couple of months ago and I'm noticing she is always trying to hang out with me now. She did try to do things with me before but it seems to be 10 times worse now. If she sees I'm about to leave the house, she's always asking where I'm going and depending on what I say, she will invite herself to come along with me. I can't just simply tell her "no, you can't come." because she's my mother and I don't want to hurt her feelings but sometimes, I rather just be by myself. It also doesn't help that she is either nagging me about something while we're out (like telling me why I shouldn't buy this or that), expecting me to pay for her meals at the restaurant, or once we get to certain places, I always end up having to wait on her to finish shopping or making a purchase before I can leave.

 

She doesn't have any friends to hang out with because she always finds excuses for why she can't hang out with people. I invited my mom to church with me one Sunday and she got to meet my friends there. She goes every Sunday now and sits with them all the time. But now that she knows my friends, she seems to think that any time I go to do things with them, she is suppose to come too. One of the reasons I don't want to bring her with me is she is very judgmental and some of my friends do things I know she wouldn't approve of. Me and a couple of my friends went to the St. Patrick's Day event(people are drinking out there and acting crazy.), she made a comment about not being invited to come. I didn't know what to say because I really didn't want to bring her and I didn't. When she isn't invited, she'll try and make me feel guilty about not bringing her along.

 

She doesn't work, so I understand that she is probably bored but I have a life of my own as well. I'm single and I don't think I can invite my mom to go with me on dates. Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I'm currently living with her and privacy is pretty much non-existent, she listens in on phone calls and it makes me furious. I work, so sometimes when I'm off, I just want to relax. She's always expecting us to go out and do something and will spend the day constantly asking me what I'm doing that day...it's annoying. I just need time to breath and I really don't know what to do. Do I say anything to her and if I do, what do I say? Or am I going to be dealing with this until I move back out?

[mrs rubble]

It does sound like she's bored, she definitely need to find her own friends.

Why doesn't she work? Can you encourage her to do some volunteer work? Or join a club of some sort? That way she'll at least get out independently and maybe meet some new people.

[AlexDream]

Let me just say this first.. I love my mom and I do enjoy hanging with her sometimes but I think there should be limits.

 

My mom just ended her long term relationship a couple of months ago and I'm noticing she is always trying to hang out with me now. She did try to do things with me before but it seems to be 10 times worse now. If she sees I'm about to leave the house, she's always asking where I'm going and depending on what I say, she will invite herself to come along with me. I can't just simply tell her "no, you can't come." because she's my mother and I don't want to hurt her feelings but sometimes, I rather just be by myself. It also doesn't help that she is either nagging me about something while we're out (like telling me why I shouldn't buy this or that), expecting me to pay for her meals at the restaurant, or once we get to certain places, I always end up having to wait on her to finish shopping or making a purchase before I can leave.

 

She doesn't have any friends to hang out with because she always finds excuses for why she can't hang out with people. I invited my mom to church with me one Sunday and she got to meet my friends there. She goes every Sunday now and sits with them all the time. But now that she knows my friends, she seems to think that any time I go to do things with them, she is suppose to come too. One of the reasons I don't want to bring her with me is she is very judgmental and some of my friends do things I know she wouldn't approve of. Me and a couple of my friends went to the St. Patrick's Day event(people are drinking out there and acting crazy.), she made a comment about not being invited to come. I didn't know what to say because I really didn't want to bring her and I didn't. When she isn't invited, she'll try and make me feel guilty about not bringing her along.

 

She doesn't work, so I understand that she is probably bored but I have a life of my own as well. I'm single and I don't think I can invite my mom to go with me on dates. Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I'm currently living with her and privacy is pretty much non-existent, she listens in on phone calls and it makes me furious. I work, so sometimes when I'm off, I just want to relax. She's always expecting us to go out and do something and will spend the day constantly asking me what I'm doing that day...it's annoying. I just need time to breath and I really don't know what to do. Do I say anything to her and if I do, what do I say? Or am I going to be dealing with this until I move back out?

 

Both, your mother and you are adults. So just be clear with her - sit at the kitchen table and make it clear. You should outline where your private life is and where she could participate in.

 

Another and softer approach - try to change your mind. Consider her being your best friend and do not limit yourself when you are with friends. If she is not ok with this approach and trying to judge your behavior - well, it's never late to employ the first one.

 

Remember, things will change. She will find her own friends. Enjoy spending your time with your mom - unfortunately, parents are not immortal.

[preraph]

It's not appropriate for her to keep doing that, and certainly not fair to you. But YOU have to speak up about it. You have to tell her, "Mom, if want to invite you, I will invite you -- and I will invite you some because I love you, but not when I'm hanging with friends. It's too weird."

 

This is something that never used to happen back when parents knew they were parents not friends. So now you have to be the parent and tell her no. Some of them truly believe there is no generational gap between them and their offsprings' friends.

 

You're not responsible for finding her a life. You have your life. She has yours. She doesn't get to usurp yours and have hers too. Make her wait for an invitation and she will be forced to find something else to amuse herself.

[EMT girl]

I agree that she needs her own friends, and that you need to have a conversation with her.

 

Just begin it with "mom, I love you" and go on from there. It always makes the rest of the talk more apt to be taken as gentle and not mean.

 

Good luck!