When they say I LOVE YOU

[oceansaway]

Curious thinking back of all the times they say how much they love you however nothing changed with their situation. Did/does anyone REALLY ever believe them?

[amaysngrace]

They probably do love you but their love just doesn't run as deeply as a normal person's would.

 

They probably sincerely love their spouses too.

[anyonecandoit]

After reading so many stories here, I think that doesn't matter. Either believe or not believe doesn't matter. Action matters. If they really do anything for you, it matters. If you look at it another way, it will probably make it easy to make a decision. If you think, he says he loves me and after that he can have sex with me and after that, he will just forget everything he has said, then at this time you will realize "I love you" is just like the money he pays to exchange your body and integrity. Saying "I love you" is just cheap in this situation compared to what he will get. If he really means it, you will not be where you're today.

 

So whenever he says something like that, just remind yourself that who cares about what you say? Just get out of my life if you don't do anything.

[anyonecandoit]

I start to analyze this from the spiritual level of a human being. You know, when we live in this world, we need to have something that makes us feel that we're successful to move forward or even to live on. I think such things can be, "I got admitted into Harvard", "I'm a doctor", "I have a lot of friends", etc. The MM that has affair will feel very proud of himself when he knows that two women want him desperately at the same time. That will boost their ego. And another thing that will boost their ego is that, if they feel that they could destroy you, that will give them great satisfaction. The power to be able to destroy something is such a great power! I once read some book says something like this, two kinds of things can make a human being have greatest satisfaction -- create things and destroy things.

 

The come back to your question, you know how cheap it is for this man to get this greatest satisfaction in his life? He just needs to say "I love you" and he can control and destroy you. Do you feel how vulnerable a person can be here? Be strong and don't try to believe anything he says!

[solonely9]

I did believe him. He seemed very sincere saying it, many times. Also, I'm a very sceptical person, but he managed to convince me. It wasn't just his words, but his actions as well, before DD, of course. I think that he still loves me in a way. However, as the OP before me said, his love for his wife is on a deeper lever because of their history, kids, etc.

[Grapesofwrath]

I would encourage you to not view the situation as a competition between his love for you and his love for his wife. There are many types of love, and marriage is about more than love. Love is part of it, but there is so much more. It is about family, finances, community, social standing & image, children, assets, etc. One thing I learned by reading on these forums is that your MM may very much love you. But that love is not going to motivate him to dismantle all the other things he has created in his married life. It will not drive him to cause that upheaval in his life. He is not going to go through the emotional, financial and social devastation of a divorce just for love. (Unless he is deeply, in tolerably miserable in his marriage, which is sometimes the case, though rarely.)

 

Inertia is not just a theory. It's a law.

[Katyp]

I agree with Grapesofwrath. My MM after he had been in an affair with me for 7 years told me that he had invested too much time and energy in his family to walk away from them (not that I had ever asked or expected him to) I finished with him because I wanted to see more of him and thought it best I be hurt instead of his wife and children. That was 25 years ago now. Looking back he only really cared about himself and his needs even though he went through a lot of mental anguish at one stage as he was battling with himself as he wanted to be with me. I would advise anyone not to bother with an affair as it will affect you for a very long time afterwards. I have never ever had an affair since and never will. I loved him then and always will but I don't think the words I love you belong in affairs as they are empty words no matter how much we try to kid ourselves they mean it.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Katyp

[Marc878]

I love you = I love it.

 

Sorry, unless it's the lady saying it.

[sunburned]

Married men can say I love you early and often because no follow-up is required. They say what they think you want to hear. Then they don't have to do anything about it. If it were a single guy, he would have to start acting like someone in love and thinking about marriage. A MM only has to say "Hey, you knew I was married," and he is covered. As another poster so wisely stated, "I love you" becomes MM's currency and it's a heck of a lot cheaper than a diamond or divorce.

[loveisanaction]

I read somewhere (not sure if it was on here or another site) that when a married man says ‘i love you’, he probably does mean it....in that very moment and in the context of the affair bubble only. It's also very easy for him to say it because he believes that his affair partner understands that although he can say it... he can't act upon it.

 

If a single man says i love you, his girlfriend would expect him to prove it (by getting engaged or married or by making the relationship official, exclusive, or by moving in together...etc). But a married man expects his affair partner to understand that he can't prove his love to her because he married. So he says it expecting there to be no consequences for not backing up his words with actions.

[carhill]

Curious thinking back of all the times they say how much they love you however nothing changed with their situation. Did/does anyone REALLY ever believe them?

Some folks learn, earlier and more completely, the power of words and how to deliver words. Socially, it's known as part of charisma. People who are good at it can sway whole societies to their will.

 

This part of being human is why, as we gain life experience, we learn to be a bit more skeptical of words and look at actions to match up and to verify those words.

 

No worries, I fell for plenty of that stuff with MW's in my 20's so got the dope medal a few times over. That's life!

[sandylee1]

In supporting a lot of MM post affair.... they say they meant it at the time...but on reflection what they loved was how they felt and how the OW made them feel. Things like she treated him special .... she admired his job ... she would say he was clever....she would do anything for him..... he felt like a king. I think it's fair to say anyone would love this kind of treatment.

 

The MMs confidence and self esteem increases greatly during the affair.

 

Then I wonder if someone made you feel so great.. why wouldn't you want that feeling to last forever .... by making them your primary relationship. The answers include:

 

"I knew that it couldn't last forever...it's not sustainable "

"I'd always think she could cheat on me"

"I don't think she'd still be like this if we lived together and had kids...because my wife was like this before the kids"

"I love my wife and we go back a long way"

 

 

On some level...there's an acceptance that it's not real ...but while it lasts it's fantastic.

[Gloria_Smellons]

When a married man says ‘i love you’, he probably does mean it....in that very moment and in the context of the affair bubble only.

 

In my case this is what I believe. He 'meant' it, in as far as he could, but since it was all based on a lie his words counted for naught.

[waterwoman]

It is's any help H told his OW he loved her as she did him.

 

I know he missed her for a time and worried about her because her marriage was pretty dire. This wasn't easy for me and was probably one of the things I struggled with most despite his assurances he loved me and wanted to be with me.

 

One day, about 6 months after dday he said something mildly disparaging about her and said sarcastically 'But I thought you loved her?' and he replied 'I thought I did too'. Take that as you will but I read it as meaning that he loved her in the environment of their brief affair. And I think he really felt that he did at that time. I can't speak for him entirely as I can't read his mind but from things he has said since that seems the most likely scenario.

[Forceawakensme]

I think when its said before or around the throws of passion its because they think they feel it or they are swept up in the whole romance/enhancing the affair with heightening the romantic tension etc -- Perhaps even offsetting some of their guilt by further creating this 'soul mate' scenario.. Also, they know the power it yields over a OW..

 

That said -- I am not sure how many bandy it around willy nilly for no reason when not in the throws of passion, simply because nothing could create a bunny boiler situation faster (which im sure is what a large % of MM's fear).

 

I think if they say it for absolutely no reason when its not getting them anything in the near future .. then chances are they mean it or sincerely think they do. Rest of the time, take with major grain of salt IMO.

[Phoenician]

I did believe him. He seemed very sincere saying it, many times. Also, I'm a very sceptical person, but he managed to convince me. It wasn't just his words, but his actions as well, before DD, of course. I think that he still loves me in a way. However, as the OP before me said, his love for his wife is on a deeper lever because of their history, kids, etc.

 

for a married man to leave ; he is not leaving just a partner ; he is leaving a family ...

it is called having the cake and eat it at the same time ; being stuck I say that the price of leaving is even much higher than the return on investment .

 

If I leave I will be partially happy , because my kids will suffer , and hence I will be sad ; wTF?

[privategal]

A romance is like high school romance, its wild and irresponsible and very caught up in a whirlwind type of stuff.

Remember you told your high school bf/gf you love them?

When you look back though was it REALLY love?

I believe my xap loved me in that time, within the percieved fairytale.

But when the guilt, love for his wife and family and arguing between us came into play..how quickly that love fades.

Its faux love, it feels very real...but Marc said it best I love you=I love IT.

And IT stands for power over you, the fact that you jump to answer my calls and emails and flatter me, give me attention, give me WHATEVER I WANT...

Seriously, whats not to love?

But its conditional 'love'...if you act right, go by my stipulations, dont complain, dont question or test me...

Love doesnt hurt, nor generally die.

Love is a choice too, an action as well.

If I could tell you how many of my xap's actions did NOT spell love!

As hard as it is to believe and digest it, it is NOT real love, but "love you" is very easy to say.

[sandylee1]

Curious thinking back of all the times they say how much they love you however nothing changed with their situation. Did/does anyone REALLY ever believe them?

 

You know another thing about this... is whether 'love' is enough. I find that people define and show love differently. If MM loves you with heart and soul.. but stays where he is.. what does that mean.

 

Equally if he says he loves his BW and yet cheats..what does that mean. How does one love their spouse and do this. Yet he insists that he does.

 

The question is for either woman ... is this the kind of love you want.

[Grapesofwrath]

You know another thing about this... is whether 'love' is enough. I find that people define and show love differently. If MM loves you with heart and soul.. but stays where he is.. what does that mean.

 

Equally if he says he loves his BW and yet cheats..what does that mean. How does one love their spouse and do this. Yet he insists that he does.

 

The question is for either woman ... is this the kind of love you want.

 

sandy: you hit the nail on the head. NEither are the kind of love I would want. At the end of the day, the one he loves is himself. the women in his life are simply tools for getting what he wants for himself.

[ad4m]

I think the words 'I love you' do mean quite a lot, but not as much as actions or emotions that prove it.

 

I'm in a relationship now and when she first told me she loved me, I was so happy, because I knew I loved her too. However, after a bit of time had passed, I started to talk to myself and wonder did she actually mean it, or whether she just felt something that she couldn't understand, so presumed it was love.

 

But I soon knew that in fact she does definitely love me. We went out one night for a few drinks with some of her friends, and during the night I found out she cheated on her ex. The next day, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I talked to her about it and she actually started crying because she was afraid that what she has does in the past (i.e. cheating on her ex) will f*** up our relationship. She was so worried about it because she didn't want anything from her past effecting our relationship.

 

That's when I knew she truly loved me. The fact that she trusts me enough to tell me and so badly didn't want it to effect out relationship, showed me she really does love me.

 

So basically, actions and emotions speak louder than words.

[Lovetoohard]

"I love you" in my case was more like "I love how you make me feel, you are my happy place, my friend and lover and the only one that understands me, and my lifeline when I need it." It wasn't the kind of unconditional, selfless love that defines real love. That said, there were times where xMM did things where I felt that he loved me, or at the very least, deeply cared about me, but there wasn't a consistency and steadiness to it. I think there was so much internal conflict within him in setting his priorities that everyone that deserved his love and attention probably felt his struggle on some level (even if they didn't quite know what exactly it was). An unfair thing to everyone he said he loved. Sometimes I don't even think he loved himself and had deep rooted insecurities that diminished his capacity to genuinely feel and give love.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Liam1]

Curious thinking back of all the times they say how much they love you however nothing changed with their situation. Did/does anyone REALLY ever believe them?

 

IMO and IME, most men having an affair who tell the OW that they love her really mean that they are loving the experience of the affair, or the sex.

 

I never told my OW I loved her and it was always agreed it would be an extra-marital affair, only.

 

I am still in the camp that I don't think most men looking for an affair are looking to fall in love.

 

With that said, after reading this forum, there were a number of men who responded to my post by saying that they most certainly DID love their OW.

 

I have to believe that they know when they feel love for someone.

 

So, I think a small percentage of men in affairs, may actually fall in love with the affair partner.

 

Still it is rare that a man will leave his spouse for the OW, mainly because they realize that the same problems that existed in their present marriage may eventually surface with a new wife.

 

Others may not be financially able to leave the marriage but did love the affair partner.

 

Others claim they loved both, the wife and the OW.

 

I had a co worker who left his wife for the affair partner because his wife was no longer interested in sex.

 

Fast forward five years after marriage to the OW and now she is no longer interested in sex.

 

A low sex drive seems to be a common issue in marriages.

[Gloria25]

 

A low sex drive seems to be a common issue in marriages.

 

Nah, it's an "I'll do what it takes to get you to marry me" issue.

 

I was watching a program last nite which confirms what I've been saying for the longest - which is a lot of women do not really care for sex, they can do without it, but they'll get into it because it's a "means to an end".

 

If a guy wants to marry them and/or knock them up, yep, her panties will be dripping wet. Once she gets what she wants, panties dry up.

 

Anywho, the show was about like a 58 year old recently divorced woman. She was talking online with this guy and wasn't into BDSM, but wanted him so bad that she kinda engaged in convo with him to see where it goes. So, she thought she could get herself to like BDSM in order to attract this guy.

 

Per my fav podcaster, love is "awe, respect, admiration". So, no MM can say he "loves" you when he shows his wife more respect than you.

 

Same thing with single people, the word "love" is thrown around to describe hornies, high emotions, lust, etc. - anything BUT real "love".

 

BTW, the MM doesn't love the OW and/or his wife. They both just meet a role/whim for the MM.

 

Yes, they may have a lot to lose by divorcing the wife and family, but remember, they married the wife knowing who she was, they created a family with "her"...at any time before putting a ring on her finger and/or putting a kid in her, he could have walked away...he didn't. He wants "her" and no one else. So, keep on holding on the 'ILY' crumbs while he's with who he really wants and continues to want to be with.

 

I've seen stories of guys who have left their wives for bimbos, idiots, etc...totally irrational stuff. So trust me, when a guy really wants to leave, he'll make it happen - regardless of how it affects the family. These guys aren't saints. They just wanna have their cake and eat it too.

 

Wanna know if he really loves you? Have him say ILYs to you in front of his wife...

[lemondrop21]

Still it is rare that a man will leave his spouse for the OW, mainly because they realize that the same problems that existed in their present marriage may eventually surface with a new wife.

 

Others may not be financially able to leave the marriage but did love the affair partner.

 

Others claim they loved both, the wife and the OW.

 

I had a co worker who left his wife for the affair partner because his wife was no longer interested in sex.

 

Fast forward five years after marriage to the OW and now she is no longer interested in sex.

 

A low sex drive seems to be a common issue in marriages.

 

Sometimes I wonder why people in marriages like this don't issue some sort of an ultimatum to their spouse along the lines of, "either we work on improving sex and get it to an acceptable level for both of us, or we open up the marriage." Seems better than leaving an otherwise good marriage for the sake of sex... thoughts?

 

 

BTW, the MM doesn't love the OW and/or his wife. They both just meet a role/whim for the MM.

 

 

I liked your post, Gloria, but I respectfully disagree with this part. I think MM often loves his wife, probably more than he realizes for a while during the A. It's the deeper sort of love that develops over time, not the romantic, passionate love, so it's less accessible, but it's there.

 

In terms of OW, he may fall in love occasionally if they build a very deep bond. In my case, MM thinks he loves me but it's a pretty shallow love; we've never had the chance to build anything deeper.

[Cymbeline]

The issues raised by habituation to your partner in a marriage and the resulting lack of desire is dealt with very well by Esther Perel in 'Mating in Captivity'. She can be seen on You tube also: here is one example but she has many and also her own website. She is really worth listening to/ reading.