I'm going to hell right?

[LisaWilliams]

Hello! Thank you for reading.

Ive been with my partner on and off for five years. We've broke up with each other once each and I'm really confused. I love him but we haven't had sex in over a year due to my depression. I have been getting really close with my guy friend because my partner works away. We fight every time he is back and my friend is always there for him. He has a girlfriend as well, we have kissed a couple of times and have a massive sexual attraction but we haven't taken it further. im really stuck, any advice would be amazing. I just don't know what to do.

[basil67]

Well you've not done anything to send yourself to Hell. Yet.

 

If depression caused your loss of attraction to your partner, you would feel nothing for this other fellow. But the fact that your attraction does work in certain cases means that it's situational - not physical in cause.

 

Now, problems in the bedroom most often start outside the bedroom. Your relationship has been on and off. You've broken up and got back together. He's away a lot. You fight each time he comes back. I'm guessing that this relationship has passed it's time and it's about time you moved on.

 

Just don't move on to the guy friend. Save yourself for a guy who's available and who can make an excellent partner.

[LisaWilliams]

Thank you for your reply ! I feel like I have nobody to talk to. My partner was with me when my mum passed away and I was 18 at the time. I guess I'm really stuck because we have been through so much. The time when I broke it off with him, I did end up seeing someone else for six months. When my partner and I got back together he constantly thinks that I cheated on him, so he doesn't trust

Me at all. I've come to a point where he controls me a lot and I rebel without him knowing, like going out with my friends or seeing my guy friend (who obviously shouldn't be in my life). In my partners eyes I'm not aloud any friends.

 

Thank you again.

 

I don't exactly want to move on to my guy friend. We have a really deep connection, we both tell each other things we can't with our partners and we adore each other on a friendship level. Then we have the sexual attraction side. I'm very stuck to say the least. I couldn't break up with my partner because I don't want to see him go through pain, he's an amazing person

[Babs22]

Depends on what you do next. There are a ton of OW on this forum who feel like they are in a living hell after their affairs ended. I am in an affair with a MM and feel like I am in hell. So you will only be in "hell" if you try having an affair with a man who is already committed to someone else. You are definitely having an emotional affair (EA) with your guy friend. It sounds like you each are in a relationship, but neither of you are married.

 

My suggestion to you is to end your current relationship with your boyfriend, you are obviously unhappy with your boyfriend. You are arguing and not having sex, yet you have feelings for another man. You are not married, so I suggest you end this relationship, regardless of what your male friend decides to do. End it for you, not because you want to be with the other man.

 

If your male friend continues to stay with his girlfriend, I would try to end your emotional affair with him and not do anything else physical either. As long as he is with her, that is who he is with. You already deal with depression. Please read the posts in this OM/OW forum. Many of the woman and some men are currently taking antidepressants to get over the fact that they love a man or woman who belongs to someone else. Typically the man will not leave their wife (girlfriend) and they eventually will end the affair with the OW.

 

I would let your guy friend know that if he ever leaves his girlfriend because it just doesn't work out for them, to give you a call. Otherwise, you most likely are leaving yourself open to a world of heartache. I am proof of that. If you stay involved with him, you most likely will be living in a daily hell just trying to have a relationship with someone who is with someone else. That is the hell you will be in. Don't do it! I repeat, Don't do it! But do think of ending your current relationship as it seems to be done and over with.

[Babs22]

Thank you for your reply ! I feel like I have nobody to talk to. My partner was with me when my mum passed away and I was 18 at the time. I guess I'm really stuck because we have been through so much. The time when I broke it off with him, I did end up seeing someone else for six months. When my partner and I got back together he constantly thinks that I cheated on him, so he doesn't trust

Me at all. I've come to a point where he controls me a lot and I rebel without him knowing, like going out with my friends or seeing my guy friend (who obviously shouldn't be in my life). In my partners eyes I'm not aloud any friends.

 

Thank you again.

 

I don't exactly want to move on to my guy friend. We have a really deep connection, we both tell each other things we can't with our partners and we adore each other on a friendship level. Then we have the sexual attraction side. I'm very stuck to say the least. I couldn't break up with my partner because I don't want to see him go through pain, he's an amazing person

 

I just read your second post, and there are several warning signs that you really should end your relationship with your current partner.

 

You said that he doesn't trust you (of course it sounds like he shouldn't, since you are emotionally involved with another guy and physically involved, you kissed him). But your partner not trusting you is a red flag.

 

You say, he controls you a lot. No one should be controlling anyone in a relationship. It sounds like you started this relationship rather young. I understand that you went through a significant event together, but that does not mean you need to stay with this guy. Someone who is controlling you now, will be controlling you 10 years from now if you stay. This is a big red flag that you should move on.

 

Final red flag, he thinks that you should not have friends. Warning! Of course you should have friends. Now, you shouldn't have guy friends that you share everything with including kisses and a sexual attraction, but you should have friends.

 

You say you don't want to hurt your partner by ending your relationship, but you are basically hurting by being closer to another guy than you are with him. Your relationship with your partner sounds very unhealthy for you, he controls you and doesn't want you to have friends. You are not happy and are having a relationship with another guy, how is that not going to hurt him? It is time to end your relationship, it has run its course. He can be an amazing guy (although I don't think controlling guys are that amazing), and you could still not be right for each other. Don't stay for that reason.

 

Also, if you are afraid to end your relationship because you are afraid of how your partner will react, that is another red flag.

[lemondrop21]

Agree with other posters - you may have thought that your lack of sexual interest in your partner was the result of depression, but your attraction to your guy friend is showing you that that's not the case. There's something wrong in your relationship that needs to be addressed, or you need to leave.

 

A low level of sex is already somewhat concerning although if both parties are okay with it, then it can work... but no sex in a year? That's beyond concerning. And it's not as though you've been married 30 years or something, you two aren't even married yet. Surely your partner is also not okay with this, why has he put up with it? Do you do other intimate things with your partner that aren't sex (this is what I used to do when I was in a LTR and struggling in that department, to at least maintain some level of intimacy)?

 

I get the sense of loyalty because you've "been through a lot together," but being in a relationship is an ongoing choice and isn't only about your past. At the end of the day I think your partner would rather that you stay with him because you love him, are at least somewhat attracted to him, and are committed to making your relationship work; not just because you feel obligated and feel a sense of loyalty because of your past.

 

Is this relationship possibly unhealthy and/or codependent? Some googling and reading up on relationship dynamics might help you gain some clarity. I agree with other posters that the "control" issue is very concerning.

 

Regarding your guy friend who you are attracted to, let this serve as a catalyst for you to deal with the issues in your primary relationship but leave it at that. If you both are single in the future then you can pursue it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you for your reply ! I feel like I have nobody to talk to. My partner was with me when my mum passed away and I was 18 at the time. I guess I'm really stuck because we have been through so much. The time when I broke it off with him, I did end up seeing someone else for six months. When my partner and I got back together he constantly thinks that I cheated on him, so he doesn't trust

Me at all. I've come to a point where he controls me a lot and I rebel without him knowing, like going out with my friends or seeing my guy friend (who obviously shouldn't be in my life). In my partners eyes I'm not aloud any friends.

 

Thank you again.

 

I don't exactly want to move on to my guy friend. We have a really deep connection, we both tell each other things we can't with our partners and we adore each other on a friendship level. Then we have the sexual attraction side. I'm very stuck to say the least. I couldn't break up with my partner because I don't want to see him go through pain, he's an amazing person

 

I have a different perspective. I also have a bestie, a best guy friend. He is in a very unahappy marriage and has told his W he wants a divorce. She doesn't and he is reluctant to pull the trigger even there there are a million reasons. He's hot - much, much better looking than xMM. When I first told him everything, he said why didn't I pick him? He would have treated me better and when it ended, he would have been much better to me. I said, because we would have lost our friendship. He and I talk almost daily, sometimes we write emails all day. We talk about Paleo, weight lifting, God, our businesses, relationships, clothes - he's awesome. I also really feel more like a sister and he has said the same, although he is also in a semi-sexless marriage and admitted men would always jump on something but he respects me and our friendship enough to not try anything.

 

Bottom line, don't sleep with your friends. You'll not only mess up your relationship, you will have no one to tell as you will have lost your friend!

[among the pines]

@LisaWilliams - Hi. I agree with everything the other posters have said. There are two separate issues here. If you really feel you have outgrown your current relationship consider setting him free so he can find someone else and you can do the same. People outgrow or change and move in different directions all the time, and you aren't married or have kids tying you to him. I would advise ending and mourning one relationship before embarking on another. It's only fair to your next partner to come to him free and clear.

 

Please, please, please do not become any further involved with the other guy. I'm telling you from personal experience nothing good will come from it and it will destroy whatever friendship you have. If the temptation is too much I would just cut contact.

 

I had an EA for about a year before it turned into a PA. We were both in love with each other. He said he had separated (he did for at least a few weeks) and wanted to be with me. Then he wanted me to wait for a year while he got his kids and wife settled.

 

I confess I kinda flipped out on him a little so I don't know if his intentions were true or not (I think they were) - anyway, I kinda pushed him away because I felt a crushing guilt and shame about it.

 

He ended up going back and didn't even have the decency to end it properly (which happens a lot in affairs). Now I am alone, still in love with him, lost our friendship which meant more to me than the physical part. I do feel like I'm living in hell - it feels like someone died, except he didn't and he's back with his wife.

 

Also, I have struggled with depression for years. Trust me, getting involved with someone who belongs to someone else will not help your depression!

 

I wish you all the best!

[heartwhole]

Thank you for your reply ! I feel like I have nobody to talk to. My partner was with me when my mum passed away and I was 18 at the time. I guess I'm really stuck because we have been through so much. The time when I broke it off with him, I did end up seeing someone else for six months. When my partner and I got back together he constantly thinks that I cheated on him, so he doesn't trust

Me at all. I've come to a point where he controls me a lot and I rebel without him knowing, like going out with my friends or seeing my guy friend (who obviously shouldn't be in my life). In my partners eyes I'm not aloud any friends.

 

Thank you again.

 

I don't exactly want to move on to my guy friend. We have a really deep connection, we both tell each other things we can't with our partners and we adore each other on a friendship level. Then we have the sexual attraction side. I'm very stuck to say the least. I couldn't break up with my partner because I don't want to see him go through pain, he's an amazing person

 

Your relationship with your partner doesn't sound very healthy. If you are committed to working it out, then I would suggest couple's counseling, as well as individual counseling. The dynamic you describe sounds like a teenager rebelling against an overprotective father, not a couple in love.

 

I would also point out that it doesn't make sense to say that you wouldn't break up with your partner because it would cause him pain, but you would possibly cheat with this new guy (who also has a girlfriend). In that case, you will be lying and eventually causing pain to all four of you in the situation. That's a lot worse than breaking up with someone because the relationship is no longer working for you.

 

Often we don't realize how stuck or unhappy we are in our current situation until the possibility of something else comes along. But in this case that "something else" is not a nice, stand-up guy who could be an appropriate long-term partner for you. The "something else" is just having the hots for a guy who's taken. Don't confuse the two.

 

So my advice is, get into counseling. Figure out who you are and what you want. If you're going to get with the new guy, then do it when you're both properly single. Anything else will end badly.