When your girlfriend says "It's all getting a bit much"

[privategal]

Thank you for your posts. I think initially you were misunderstanding me

 

Yeah it seems like she isn't functioning fully. I've never been in this position before. It's hard because meeting her really has been amazing, we've been getting along so well, there is loads of chemistry and she has such a kind nature.

 

I really think a lot of her.

 

I don't want to breakup with her, I've never had such a short relationship. I think actually getting to talk properly with her will help make up my mind.

 

So it seems she is actually overwhelmed by everything. Maybe she just isn't stable enough for a relationship?

 

Oh man...

 

This is why you date and take it slow and really learn a person and dont fall too fast as its always easiest at first.

Depression doesnt make her unstable it is something a couple can deal with together but right now its become overwhelming. Honor her request for space 100% no contact.

Set a acceptable time to yourself as to how much time is acceptable to wait for her. Take some space to gain perspective.

[SpiralOut]

Depression saps a person's energy levels. The desire to be alone can be strong. Certain relationship milestones, like meeting the family members and friends, is stressful for anybody. For a depressed person it would feel overwhelming to work full-time all week, then spend their first day off getting dressed to go out, put on a happy face, and try to impress her boyfriend's mother. Add onto that the fact that you two haven't been together very long. It makes sense that she would want to push it back a day. Having a day off would help her to recover some of her emotional energy.

 

That said, it's not a good sign that she has cancelled on you several times already. She should be able to predict her energy levels and plan out dates in such a way that she won't burn herself out. I say that as a person with depression. I know how much time I can manage to spend with other people each week, and I give myself enough "me time" before and after social events so that I can recover. Flakiness is frustrating to deal with, no matter what the reasons are. I was ready to criticize you for pushing her for an explanation, but then I saw that she has cancelled a few times already. I don't really blame you for trying to get an answer out of her.

 

It sounds like she is pushing herself too hard and moving too fast with you. Anybody at all can make that mistake and become overwhelmed. It is possible that she could continue the relationship if you both agree to slow things down.

Edited April 4, 2016 by SpiralOut

[True Gent]

Thanks all!

 

 

She has made contact saying she misses me and she's felt upset about what's happened. My responce was not to be upset and to take her time to collect her thoughts and I miss her too.

 

I'm going to let her take stock of what she's feeling and thinking and I'll just carry on with my day to day life. When she's ready to talk, I'll talk.

[whichwayisup]

My question here was what did she mean when according to her this new exciting relationship is too much? I personally have no way of relating to something good being too much.

 

Because you're not depressed and in the same frame of mind as she is. Of course you can't relate to what she means. For you good stuff means thriving and spending lots of time together, having fun, doing things, going places, talking and really investing. That scares her. Her depression and frame of mind at times prevents her from experiencing this sometimes. It's too much for her right now as she can only handle things slowly and bits at a time. The intensity of it all is a lot for her to take in and process.

 

Allow her that space she needs, don't take it personally or make it about you, it isn't, it's about her and how she functions on a day to day basis. As time goes on hopefully she'll be more open and relaxed around you, maybe be able to push herself to be with you when she'd rather be alone. Hope this makes sense to you.

[True Gent]

Because you're not depressed and in the same frame of mind as she is. Of course you can't relate to what she means. For you good stuff means thriving and spending lots of time together, having fun, doing things, going places, talking and really investing. That scares her. Her depression and frame of mind at times prevents her from experiencing this sometimes. It's too much for her right now as she can only handle things slowly and bits at a time. The intensity of it all is a lot for her to take in and process.

 

Allow her that space she needs, don't take it personally or make it about you, it isn't, it's about her and how she functions on a day to day basis. As time goes on hopefully she'll be more open and relaxed around you, maybe be able to push herself to be with you when she'd rather be alone. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

Yes that does make a lot of sence.

 

I'm guilty of being a very simple creature. If something is good and enjoyable then I just want more of it in exactly the way you have described. To me in my mind that feels like the natural process.

 

I am ralising how this isn't quite so straight forward for her. I am starting to see that and I am giving her the space she wants to process it all. See here...

 

Thanks all!

 

 

She has made contact saying she misses me and she's felt upset about what's happened. My responce was not to be upset and to take her time to collect her thoughts and I miss her too.

 

I'm going to let her take stock of what she's feeling and thinking and I'll just carry on with my day to day life. When she's ready to talk, I'll talk.

 

 

I know it's not about me and if anything, I am actually realising that up to now I actually mean quite a lot to her and this isn't a negative reaction she is having. She's had a rough few years before meeting me, so perhaps something nice happening is just a total shock to her system.

 

She's absolutely lovely to be around. Her smile makes me smile, the way she speaks and the things she likes and does captivate me. At this moment, and the more I'm taking it all in myself I have no problem waiting for her to open up and we'll see how things go.

 

I'm not taking it personally, this is about her and her feelings generally.

Edited April 4, 2016 by True Gent

[True Gent]

I've given her space. She's initiated contact quite a lot, we've text and spoken on the phone.

 

We haven't seen each other for 2 weeks, it's looking highly likely that will become 3 weeks due to the fact she doesn't want to commit to any of her soon to be days off work. The only available time she's willing to commit to is next weekend. I didn't put any pressure on I let her initiate seeing me.

 

We haven't spoken about her condition in depth over the phone as we both feel that face to face would be best.

 

I dunno, 3 weeks apart when we've only been dating 2 months feels like a long time and a very poor start to me. I can feel my enthusiasm dwindling and I'm starting to feel distant. I can't really say this to her via phone or text though, but this is honestly how I'm starting to feel.

 

I'm getting quite down about this now TBH.

[Timshel]

Don't feel down.....ok, if you need to.

 

Relationships require two people who are both invested. You are not her daddy and need to wait for her 'growing up' and 'being ok' out. :/

 

There are actually healthy women who want to be in a relationship in this world.

 

Do that.

[elaine567]

Justin Welby: DNA test reveals my secret father was Sir Winston Churchill's private secretary -

It even happens to Archbishops.

He was considered to be a "honeymoon" baby, only he wasn't...

[True Gent]

I very much doubt that there is someone else. She wouldn't be in contact with me during the times she is, if she was spending time with somebody else.

 

She has suggested taking a week off work together for the May bank holiday. She's even suggested events we could go to in July, I don't think she'd be doing this if someone else was in the picture. I don't get though how she thinks she can plan months in ahead when she clearly can't tell how she feels from one day to the next and can't even plan anything for this week?

 

 

Obviously being two timed can't be 100% ruled out it's not something new to me, but I just don't think that's it. I think she's just not stable enough in her own mind to be getting involved with a serious relationship.

 

She clearly has problems functioning day to day, she's told me she wasn't expecting things to take off between us like they did. She can't commit to much more than the one weekend a fortnight she has off work.

 

Why join an OLD dating site if you don't have time to spend, or can't even function well on your own first? It's frustrating not even getting the chance to talk about anything face to face.

Edited April 9, 2016 by True Gent

[elaine567]

Obviously being two timed can't be 100% ruled out it's not something new to me, but I just don't think that's it. I think she's just not stable enough in her own mind to be getting involved with a serious relationship.

 

She clearly has problems functioning day to day, she's told me she wasn't expecting things to take off between us like they did. She can't commit to much more than the one weekend a fortnight she has off work.

 

Poster here had a man do a disappearing act on her due to depression, he even had to book himself into a clinic, so bad was it. Only he wasn't really depressed, just married...

[Timshel]

Justin Welby: DNA test reveals my secret father was Sir Winston Churchill's private secretary -

It even happens to Archbishops.

He was considered to be a "honeymoon" baby, only he wasn't...

 

Elaine, you are quite thorough with any conceivable possibility/scenario. Detective you. :lmao:

 

Don't be alarmed OP, we don't rest till you do.

[Timshel]

I very much doubt that there is someone else. She wouldn't be in contact with me during the times she is, if she was spending time with somebody else.

 

She has suggested taking a week off work together for the May bank holiday. She's even suggested events we could go to in July, I don't think she'd be doing this if someone else was in the picture. I don't get though how she thinks she can plan months in ahead when she clearly can't tell how she feels from one day to the next and can't even plan anything for this week?

 

 

Obviously being two timed can't be 100% ruled out it's not something new to me, but I just don't think that's it. I think she's just not stable enough in her own mind to be getting involved with a serious relationship.

 

She clearly has problems functioning day to day, she's told me she wasn't expecting things to take off between us like they did. She can't commit to much more than the one weekend a fortnight she has off work.

 

Why join an OLD dating site if you don't have time to spend, or can't even function well on your own first? It's frustrating not even getting the chance to talk about anything face to face.

 

This ^^ only begs the question....what do you want? What is acceptable to you?

 

What do you say about being in a relationship? Is this it?

 

If so..carry on and good luck True Gent. Only know that real kismet and compatibility does exist...there is no need to compromise but it does require patience and for a dude....I suppose a strong hand....disposition.

[Taramere]

Ok so I met my GF in Feb this year. We hit it off straight away, everything has been fantastic and all very much a mutual and natural two way thing.

 

She has an unusual shift pattern which means we only have certain days to see each other.

 

Does she work in a caring profession, TG? I used to work with difficult kids who presented challenging behaviour. That involved shift patterns which could be really disruptive...and because you often didn't get any sleep on a shift (eg if there were problems during the night, as there frequently were) it could be an intensely draining job. Although I wasn't on anti-depressants, I knew quite a few of my colleagues were. Not at all uncommon in the caring professions - and in other professions where other people's problems become your problem.

 

I remember I was seeing this guy who was frustrated by my shift pattern. He asked me to print out my shift pattern so that he could put it on his kitchen wall and know exactly what was happening. Logically that made sense, and I could understand the request - but it felt controlling, even though that wasn't his intention. Especially as we'd only been going out for a matter of weeks. A lot of the time he wanted me to socialise with/meet his friends, whereas I wanted to chill out and be with my friends/family after a tiring shift. The bottom line was that just because I wasn't at work, that didn't mean I was feeling sociable. Forming a relationship is a stressful business.

 

Once you're established in a relationship, and you're very comfortable with the person, it's much easier. You don't feel under the same pressure to be sparkling company every time you see them. You don't feel under the same level of scrutiny when you meet their friends and family. It's okay to be human and tired now and again - but in a new relationship, it's quite different. Nice, fun and exciting as it is...if your life is already stressful in many ways, it can be a bit too much. There are different "best thing to do" scenarios here. The best thing for you might be to say "look, I don't think you're in a place to be forming a new relationship right now...so I'm going to back off now. I hope things get better for you."

 

If you really wanted to work at things (ie if you really like her, feel that she really likes you but that it's not the best timing) then something along the lines of "I'm sympathetic to the demands you're under and that you need some space on your own to energise. But I do like you, and I do want to keep seeing you. If you feel the same, have a think about some ways you might be able to manage this so that we can carry on seeing eachother. I'm not expecting you to be receptive to a social whirl of going to parties and meeting new people when you're feeling tired and out of sorts. I'd be happy with pretty quiet, low stress dates."

 

If you are happy with dates like that, obviously. If you're wanting a girlfriend who is going to be up for socialising with your friends and family a lot of the time etc then it's probably not going to work out very well.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Taramere

[elaine567]

I dunno, 3 weeks apart when we've only been dating 2 months feels like a long time and a very poor start to me. .

 

...and to me.

Sympathies to those who suffer with depression, but a woman who seems incapable of even seeing you in person, for a whole 3 weeks, even for 5 minutes due to depression has no business dating anyone till her mental health improves.

YOU have to also consider was the bright bubbly version due to a manic phase...

I think getting yourself involved here is a mistake.

If her depression is indeed that bad, what exactly are you be letting yourself in for?

[True Gent]

This ^^ only begs the question....what do you want? What is acceptable to you?

 

What do you say about being in a relationship? Is this it?

 

If so..carry on and good luck True Gent. Only know that real kismet and compatibility does exist...there is no need to compromise but it does require patience and for a dude....I suppose a strong hand....disposition.

 

I know that true compatibility does exist. I really believe that it does.

 

This girl seemed so wonderful initially. I've met a lot of people the last couple of years and only she has felt like the search was worthwhile and then all of this comes out of the woodwork.

 

No this right now isn't how I envisage a relationship particularly a new one.

 

Does she work in a caring profession, TG? I used to work with difficult kids who presented challenging behaviour. That involved shift patterns which could be really disruptive...and because you often didn't get any sleep on a shift (eg if there were problems during the night, as there frequently were) it could be an intensely draining job. Although I wasn't on anti-depressants, I knew quite a few of my colleagues were. Not at all uncommon in the caring professions - and in other professions where other people's problems become your problem.

 

I remember I was seeing this guy who was frustrated by my shift pattern. He asked me to print out my shift pattern so that he could put it on his kitchen wall and know exactly what was happening. Logically that made sense, and I could understand the request - but it felt controlling, even though that wasn't his intention. Especially as we'd only been going out for a matter of weeks. A lot of the time he wanted me to socialise with/meet his friends, whereas I wanted to chill out and be with my friends/family after a tiring shift. The bottom line was that just because I wasn't at work, that didn't mean I was feeling sociable. Forming a relationship is a stressful business.

 

Once you're established in a relationship, and you're very comfortable with the person, it's much easier. You don't feel under the same pressure to be sparkling company every time you see them. You don't feel under the same level of scrutiny when you meet their friends and family. It's okay to be human and tired now and again - but in a new relationship, it's quite different. Nice, fun and exciting as it is...if your life is already stressful in many ways, it can be a bit too much. There are different "best thing to do" scenarios here. The best thing for you might be to say "look, I don't think you're in a place to be forming a new relationship right now...so I'm going to back off now. I hope things get better for you."

 

If you really wanted to work at things (ie if you really like her, feel that she really likes you but that it's not the best timing) then something along the lines of "I'm sympathetic to the demands you're under and that you need some space on your own to energise. But I do like you, and I do want to keep seeing you. If you feel the same, have a think about some ways you might be able to manage this so that we can carry on seeing eachother. I'm not expecting you to be receptive to a social whirl of going to parties and meeting new people when you're feeling tired and out of sorts. I'd be happy with pretty quiet, low stress dates."

 

If you are happy with dates like that, obviously. If you're wanting a girlfriend who is going to be up for socialising with your friends and family a lot of the time etc then it's probably not going to work out very well.

 

She is a carer yes. It is a demanding job, which is stressful and unpleasant.

 

I do reallly like her and it did seem like she very much likes me too. She has said things recently about how amazing I am and she doesn't want to lose me. I am happy with low key dates, I'm quite introverted myself and I've really enjoyed our chilled out dates together in each others company.

 

I'm just not prepared to go for weeks at a time without seeing each other, it's feeling like we aren't actually BF & GF (again she initiated exclusivity)

I want to discuss it properly with her, but until I get to see her that isn't happening. I'm sympathetic to how she feels, but she's going to have to tell me if she's wiling to try making some time to see each other in the ways you've mentioned.

 

...and to me.

Sympathies to those who suffer with depression, but a woman who seems incapable of even seeing you in person, for a whole 3 weeks, even for 5 minutes due to depression has no business dating anyone till her mental health improves.

YOU have to also consider was the bright bubbly version due to a manic phase...

I think getting yourself involved here is a mistake.

If her depression is indeed that bad, what exactly are you be letting yourself in for?

 

I hear you and I am concerned by this. I think by the time I eventually do see her I'm going to be mentally prepared to end things if she clearly isn't in a position to actually be dating the way a new couple should.

 

She shouldn't of put herself or anyone else in this position.

 

I'm hoping the bubbly person I have spent time with wasn't just a manic phase. I'm willing to find out, but it's got to be a two way effort.

[True Gent]

UPDATE

 

 

Thanks all of you who have taken the time to read this thread. It's now a couple of months on and things have only gotten worse and as a result I've had to make the decision to end the relationship.

 

Over the last couple of months since my last post in this thread I have really tried to be supportive to her and be as understanding as possible regarding her needs. As time has passed the more negative side of her personality is showing through more and more. She often has days where she only wants to shut herself away and hide. We couldn't have any normal dates out for lunch or even going for walks.

 

She seems a lot more un motivated or even lazy than she first made out in the early stages. She literally wants to do nothing with her spare time apart from sit in the house.

 

Plans and commitment were some thing she just couldn't adhere to at all. I've spent many weekends, evenings and days where we had planned to do things together, alone becuse she wasn't up to it. That is not a relationship.

 

More and more she was becoming distant and generally moody. Yet her good moods were almost too nice. I think the bubbly person I met and started to genuinely feel a lot for was a just manic phase of excitement on her behalf.

 

I was also growing tired of never being able to spent the night together after sex, she always wanted to go our separete ways afterwards. She'd never spend the night and didn't offer me the chance to stay over at her place. Yet she was more than willing to hang around until the late hours, initiate sex and then expect a lift home almost straight after.

 

She was all too willing for me to be a personal taxi to her in general as she can't drive. I was beginning to feel like a bit of a fool like I was being used.

 

After finally going 2 weeks without contact at all because she wanted even more space and didn't know what she wanted I have officially ended things with her.

 

The advice given here has been incredibly good and I am grateful to you who have posted. It's unfortunate but those of you who said this was not a situation to get myself into were absolutely right. Though I admit I actually knew that was the case, I just wanted to hold onto that bubbly girl from the start as she blew me away.

 

It looks like I may need some time to myself now to enjoy the summer and gather my thoughts on what I actually want myself from a partner. I'm sad it went the way it did, but I know it's for the best. It's been another learning curve in life and a one I've had a lucky escape from in all honesty.

Edited June 11, 2016 by True Gent

[Gloria25]

UPDATE

 

 

Thanks all of you who have taken the time to read this thread. It's now a couple of months on and things have only gotten worse and as a result I've had to make the decision to end the relationship.

 

Over the last couple of months since my last post in this thread I have really tried to be supportive to her and be as understanding as possible regarding her needs. As time has passed the more negative side of her personality is showing through more and more. She often has days where she only wants to shut herself away and hide. We couldn't have any normal dates out for lunch or even going for walks.

 

She seems a lot more un motivated or even lazy than she first made out in the early stages. She literally wants to do nothing with her spare time apart from sit in the house.

 

Plans and commitment were some thing she just couldn't adhere to at all. I've spent many weekends, evenings and days where we had planned to do things together, alone becuse she wasn't up to it. That is not a relationship.

 

More and more she was becoming distant and generally moody. Yet her good moods were almost too nice. I think the bubbly person I met and started to genuinely feel a lot for was a just manic phase of excitement on her behalf.

 

I was also growing tired of never being able to spent the night together after sex, she always wanted to go our separete ways afterwards. She'd never spend the night and didn't offer me the chance to stay over at her place. Yet she was more than willing to hang around until the late hours, initiate sex and then expect a lift home almost straight after.

 

She was all too willing for me to be a personal taxi to her in general as she can't drive. I was beginning to feel like a bit of a fool like I was being used.

 

After finally going 2 weeks without contact at all because she wanted even more space and didn't know what she wanted I have officially ended things with her.

 

The advice given here has been incredibly good and I am grateful to you who have posted. It's unfortunate but those of you who said this was not a situation to get myself into were absolutely right. Though I admit I actually knew that was the case, I just wanted to hold onto that bubbly girl from the start as she blew me away.

 

It looks like I may need some time to myself now to enjoy the summer and gather my thoughts on what I actually want myself from a partner. I'm sad it went the way it did, but I know it's for the best. It's been another learning curve in life and a one I've had a lucky escape from in all honesty.

 

I'm sorry to hear that, but at least you have clarity. I "liked" what Taramaiden2 said, which is IMO, it's not depression - she's not being forthcoming with you. Maybe there's someone else, maybe she has intimacy issues, maybe she simply isn't that into you anymore and is dragging it out instead of calling it off.

[True Gent]

I'm sorry to hear that, but at least you have clarity. I "liked" what Taramaiden2 said, which is IMO, it's not depression - she's not being forthcoming with you. Maybe there's someone else, maybe she has intimacy issues, maybe she simply isn't that into you anymore and is dragging it out instead of calling it off.

 

Well all I can say is whatever label can be put on it, she has issues of some kind. I actually think she may be bipolar. I do know it is not up to me to say or to try finding out.

 

She is on meds for depression and she is now seeking counciling. I've previously seen written reports from a counsellor she has seen in the past regarding a period of absence from work. She was undergoing therapy a few years ago as she couldn't even attend work due to her mental health. She presented all of this to me fairly recently on one of her other episodes of needing space.

 

Like you say I have clarity and at least I am free from any more misery surrounding this relationship or lack of a relationship so to speak. Live and learn I guess!

 

I feel sorry for her, but she put herself out there on line dating when she really knew deep down she was not in the right place for it within her self.

Edited June 11, 2016 by True Gent

[OneLov]

She may have issues and all but, with all due respect, I think she just wanted to break up with you and was being a coward about telling you.

[True Gent]

She may have issues and all but, with all due respect, I think she just wanted to break up with you and was being a coward about telling you.

 

Maybe, it doesn't really matter now though. It's over and it doesn't matter who ended it. It was going nowhere and I can see past it and accept it.

[Gloria25]

She may have issues and all but, with all due respect, I think she just wanted to break up with you and was being a coward about telling you.

 

Not all the time...

 

Some people wanna hold onto someone - even if they aren't 100% into that person. So, they drag it out as if they're waiting for a feeling to hit them or something and they are into the person...or, they aren't into that person anymore but wanna keep "someone" out there holding a flame for them.

 

Cuz, she made plans and then backed out. Sounds like she was trying to move forward but who knows maybe when it was showtime she got stage fright.

 

My last FWB, I got cold feet on our 1st date, but pushed through and am/was so happy that I did. My current guy, we didn't kick it off for a while after we met online and now I wish we kicked it off sooner - well, then again, right now is a better time than then.

Edited June 11, 2016 by Gloria25