On a break - !

[Lostandhurting2016]

I've been engaged for 1.5 years and been win my girlfriend for 5 years. She's recently said she wants to go on a break because she doesn't know if she loves me anymore.

 

Putting a long story short for the past 8 months I've burried myself in work, wedding planning and been ignoring her needs. I knew I was doing it but too stressed to think about her, I've been selfish. Now she has left and we've had no contact for 4 days I'm really missing her and regret everything I've done. I never stopped loving her I just focused on different things.

 

We had the perfect relationship until 8 months ago but she felt like she couldn't speak to me and it's now got to this point. We both have been very mature about it and talked about what went wrong and we've both said we'd never love again. I told her everything, all I felt and that I love her so much and then initiated the no contact so she can figure out what she wants.

 

Is there any hope? Will she come back? I'm willing to work on everything I've done wrong.

[mikeylo]

It all depends on the issues that led to the break down. If they were recurring , then no amount promises will mend it as you guys have gone through them before.

Treat them right when you have them because later all you have are promises which are broken.

[Lostandhurting2016]

What we've gone through has not happened before. I know I should of treated her better ?

[central]

If you go on a break, make some strict rules that you'll both follow. The purpose of the break is to find out how you feel when apart, and to figure out if you want to be together - or not.

 

So, neither of you should talk to, meet, date, or have sex with anyone else. Often, people will use a break to see if they can find someone else, with the existing partner as backup if they don't. That's not a fair and reasonable use of the time to decide about your current partner, so agree to this rule. If it is broken, that automatically should end the relationship permanently. The only exception is if you BOTH agree that it is okay to date others, and possibly have sex with them - that's fair.

[Lostandhurting2016]

We are no where near that stage yet. Both of us said in a heart felt conversation that it wasn't about that and that we would probably never get into another relationship.

 

The problem is she didn't feel like she got the emotional support from me that she needs. She felt like we were just going through the motions of cohabitation. Now I know that she means everything to me and if I'd known that's how she felt I would of worked on it asap with all my strength. I'm giving her the space she needs but 1 hour feels like 1 year and I miss her and want her back. I have no idea if she will.

[oldshirt]

 

We had the perfect relationship until 8 months ago

 

 

.

 

 

 

What took place 8 months ago?

[oldshirt]

I've been engaged for 1.5 years and been win my girlfriend for 5 years. She's recently said she wants to go on a break because she doesn't know if she loves me anymore.

.

 

 

 

When a woman wants to take a break and when a woman says, "I love you but not in love with you," both of those things almost without exception means that there is someone else in the picture that she is wanting to test drive.

 

 

Assuming that you haven't abused her, aren't addicted to any substances, haven't cheated yourself and aren't chronically unemployed, someone asking for a "break" and saying they don't know if they are in love with you or not, means there is someone else that has caught her eye and she is wanting to test drive that to see where it goes and to see if that guy is for real or just looking for some fun and excitement.

 

 

The reason she is asking for the break instead of simply dumping you is so she can keep you on reserve on the shelf in case this other opportunity turns out to not be real.

 

 

People have to work for a living and I am assuming you have been fully employed since you've been dating her, so that isn't it.

 

 

Wedding planning is stressful and busy, but chicks dig it and 99.9999999% of engaged chicks wished their fiance' was more involved in the wedding planning process so that likely is not it.

 

 

you don't state your ages but if you started dating at 15 and this is the first serious relationship for both of you, there is a possibility that she got caught up in the fun and excitement of getting engaged and now that it's getting real, she may be having second thoughts. If you are young and don't have much dating/relationship experience, that is a possibility.

 

 

But if you are full adults and she has had prior dating and relationship experience, then there is a 95% chance there is someone else.

[mikeylo]

We are no where near that stage yet. Both of us said in a heart felt conversation that it wasn't about that and that we would probably never get into another relationship.

 

The problem is she didn't feel like she got the emotional support from me that she needs. She felt like we were just going through the motions of cohabitation. Now I know that she means everything to me and if I'd known that's how she felt I would of worked on it asap with all my strength. I'm giving her the space she needs but 1 hour feels like 1 year and I miss her and want her back. I have no idea if she will.

 

Tell her exactly what you feel. You will have to be very vulnerable with your feelings. Do it. Being able to be vulnerable with someone you love , brings you together and bonds. Only the strong can be vulnerable even though technically it sounds ironic. You will have to initiate and keep ego aside. We as men are emotionally weak but have to provide the emotional strength to our girls! Some of them don't need much even.

 

Go and get her.

[Mr. Lucky]

But if you are full adults and she has had prior dating and relationship experience, then there is a 95% chance there is someone else.

 

I had the same thought. Lostandhurting2016, doesn't necessary mean she's involved with someone else. But it does usually indicate, at least on her side, the interest is there.

 

I'm always confused by the "take a break" approach to fixing things. How do you work on problems and address issues in your relationship while apart and in NC? Most breaks are trial runs for separation and dissolution of the relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

While there are instances where one takes a break because there is some other interest , in this case , his partner could also be thinking that he wasn't there for her as he was seeing someone else or someone else got his attention. While all the time he admits to being selfish ( no offense OP).

While breaks don't solve issues, they do let emotions settle down and make people think with a clear mind.

 

OP, the break made you realize that you want her and maybe she too will feel the same. But if you are not able to give her what she needs, then deal with the short term hurt. It will get better. If you get a second chance, treat her with baby gloves. She will put her trust in you and don't take it for granted.

[13Hearts]

I've been engaged for 1.5 years and been win my girlfriend for 5 years. She's recently said she wants to go on a break because she doesn't know if she loves me anymore.

 

Putting a long story short for the past 8 months I've burried myself in work, wedding planning and been ignoring her needs. I knew I was doing it but too stressed to think about her, I've been selfish. Now she has left and we've had no contact for 4 days I'm really missing her and regret everything I've done. I never stopped loving her I just focused on different things.

 

We had the perfect relationship until 8 months ago but she felt like she couldn't speak to me and it's now got to this point. We both have been very mature about it and talked about what went wrong and we've both said we'd never love again. I told her everything, all I felt and that I love her so much and then initiated the no contact so she can figure out what she wants.

 

Is there any hope? Will she come back? I'm willing to work on everything I've done wrong.

 

I also read what you wrote about how she feels you are going through the motions. Being w a guy who doesn't pay attention to you makes you feel like a piece of furniture. Not sure why you have been ignoring her but that's the kiss of death for a relationship. Why should she stay with you when she can be alone and be ignored? Guys don't understand just how much energy, work, and attention men require.

 

If you want her back, you have to chase her. You have to lavish her with attention, and treat her like you appreciate her, EVERY SINGLE DAY. If that means you have to schedule time to pay attention to her, so be it. Put limits on things like what time you will stop watching TV, playing video games, goofing off on the internet, etc. Set aside an hour to two hours every single day to "work" on the relationship. Read a book by Harville Hendrix, which will teach you all about this stuff. Tell her you want to read the book and do the exercises together.

 

You don't have to buy gifts, flowers, and candy. All you have to do is make her your priority.

[oldshirt]

I also read what you wrote about how she feels you are going through the motions. Being w a guy who doesn't pay attention to you makes you feel like a piece of furniture. Not sure why you have been ignoring her but that's the kiss of death for a relationship. Why should she stay with you when she can be alone and be ignored? Guys don't understand just how much energy, work, and attention men require.

 

If you want her back, you have to chase her. You have to lavish her with attention, and treat her like you appreciate her, EVERY SINGLE DAY. If that means you have to schedule time to pay attention to her, so be it. Put limits on things like what time you will stop watching TV, playing video games, goofing off on the internet, etc. Set aside an hour to two hours every single day to "work" on the relationship. Read a book by Harville Hendrix, which will teach you all about this stuff. Tell her you want to read the book and do the exercises together.

 

You don't have to buy gifts, flowers, and candy. All you have to do is make her your priority.

 

 

I 120% strongly and completely DISagree with this and believe it to be the gold plated yellow brick road to being cuckolded and friendzoned.

 

 

This is time for everyone to pull up their bigboy and biggirl pants and deal with this like adults.

 

 

if you chase after her like a puppy dog she will feel free to keep you on the shelf while she takes her time and tests drives the other guy at her leisure while you put your life on hold trying to cater to her whims.

 

 

This is when you man-up and give her Options #1 or #2.

 

 

Option #1 is come clean on all her concerns and lay everything out on the table and agree to put full sincerity into the relationship and deal with the issues and work towards a mutual resolution.

 

 

Or #2 which is a clean break and each of move on.

 

 

She is either in or out. You are either in or out.

 

 

You two are either in a relationship and each of you giving your full faith effort into having a future together until you either succeed or fail.

 

 

Or you call it quits and both of you are free and single and able to move on as you please.

 

 

In or out. 100% committal either way.

 

 

No playing puppy dog. No playing dancing monkey trying to impress her. No selling your soul or humiliating yourself or flushing your dignity down the crapper just so you can say you have GF. You both make adult decisions on your future with or without each other.

[PegNosePete]

The purpose of the break is to find out how you feel when apart, and to figure out if you want to be together - or not.

That's normally what one party thinks the break is for.

 

The other party normally issues the break to find out if they can cope without the other person. Like taking a separation for a test-drive. If she enjoys being single, she will make it permanent.

 

Or she has already found someone else, and this "break" thing is just to keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with the new guy.

 

Either way, trying to resuscitate a relationship after a "break" is asked for, is usually flogging a dead horse.

[d0nnivain]

Before you try to win her back pay attention to the practical. Cancel all existing wedding plans to get back as much of any deposits as possible. The closer to your date, the less of a refund you can expect from the vendors.

 

As for reconciliation you have to talk. You have to work together to fix what's wrong. Breaks where you don't talk make things worse, not better. Silence allows the bad stuff to fester. If she won't talk and work with you, this is dead in the water.

[mard40]

 

If you want her back, you have to chase her. You have to lavish her with attention, and treat her like you appreciate her, EVERY SINGLE DAY. If that means you have to schedule time to pay attention to her, so be it. Put limits on things like what time you will stop watching TV, playing video games, goofing off on the internet, etc. Set aside an hour to two hours every single day to "work" on the relationship. Read a book by Harville Hendrix, which will teach you all about this stuff. Tell her you want to read the book and do the exercises together.

 

You don't have to buy gifts, flowers, and candy. All you have to do is make her your priority.

 

 

Ugh.. Sounds exhausting. No thanks. I'd get a dog and go fishing rather than deal with all that.