My MM told me that he has only me

[KathL]

Almost ten months into this whole thing with MM (mainly sexual and long distance, with us meeting mostly once per month), I found it amusing and seriously wished MM didn't tell me that I was the only woman he had been with (apart from his wife) for the past ten months after our most recent sex.

 

I didn't believe him and only took it at face value - simply because I thought a cheater wouldn't pass up any opportunity to cheat. Subsequently he asked whether I had been with other guys. I was caught off guard... To which the answer was I had, but I lied because I was too ashamed to confess my promiscuity to him as I had been sleeping around with a few other guys (even before I broke up with my then-boyfriend).

 

Now, I am kinda mad at him for the asking. Not the first time he asked/ probed.. why must he go there? Why he couldn't be happy with the extra sex and just leave it at there? Also part of me knows I couldn't trust his words, thus it hurts to be put in that spot where I have to remind myself to not fall for his manipulating..

[burnt]

Perhaps he's worried about catching STDs?

Perhaps he's worried about transferring STDs to his wife?

Edited April 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[privategal]

Almost ten months into this whole thing with MM (mainly sexual and long distance, with us meeting mostly once per month), I found it amusing and seriously wished MM didn't tell me that I was the only woman he had been with (apart from his wife) for the past ten months after our most recent sex.

 

I didn't believe him and only took it at face value - simply because I thought a cheater wouldn't pass up any opportunity to cheat. Subsequently he asked whether I had been with other guys. I was caught off guard... To which the answer was I had, but I lied because I was too ashamed to confess my promiscuity to him as I had been sleeping around with a few other guys (even before I broke up with my then-boyfriend).

 

Now, I am kinda mad at him for the asking. Not the first time he asked/ probed.. why must he go there? Why he couldn't be happy with the extra sex and just leave it at there? Also part of me knows I couldn't trust his words, thus it hurts to be put in that spot where I have to remind myself to not fall for his manipulating..

 

You are both manipulating yourselves and others. At least be real its 50/50 and that theres more anger lies manipulations and false words coming.

I hope you are able to at least stop blaming him for the guilt you both share as its ironic your calling him a cheater when you are cheating WITH him and on your BF before you left him, and the other men probably dont have an idea you are sleeping with others...If your unhappy with things, dont do it anymore, and do not place the blame squarly on him especially since you dont seem apologetic and in fact pretty apathetic about all the casual sex you are having with multiple partners, especially the one who is married.

Edited April 3, 2016 by privategal

[Jersey born raised]

First I am a non poly BS. It was painful and will haunt me. BUT:

 

If you are poly in nature then own it. I am not but that is me. The back lash here is because you chose to hide it. The MOM is using you for only the purpose of validation. He needs to think he is so great you don't want anyone else. He needs to grow up. Personally a part of me thinks F him, use him.

 

You just need to be more honest.

[Katyp]

Your MM might have been envious of you not being in a committed relationship and having the ability to sleep around openly (even though that's what he was actually doing as well but he was having to do it secretly).

 

I was in a 7 year affair many years ago when I was single and young (20s) and he was ten years older than me and married with two young kids. He told me that he would never forgive me if I got pregnant by another man even though when I finished with him as I wanted to see more of him and thought it better I be hurt than his wife and children he told me that he had invested too much time and energy in his wife and children to walk away from them. I never wanted that to happen hence why I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. To this day I cannot understand why he would not have forgiven me if I had got pregnant by someone else as it was none of his business anyway and when I dumped him he told me I would have run a mile if he had agreed to leave his wife for me. We never had a d day and I moved on with my life and he is still married to his wife. Affairs are just so toxic. Bizarre thing is I was considered very attractive when I was younger and used to see four single men regularly as friends who all wanted to date me but I never slept with them as I loved my MM.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Katyp

[lemondrop21]

I'm not here to judge your actions, and after all, you are the single one (at the moment) and he is the married one.

 

On his end, the question was probably a male ego thing. I think many men like feeling that they "possess" the women they are sleeping with. The thought of "sharing" is worse to many men than it is to many women. And how good would he have felt if you had responded to his question with, "No of course not baby, no one else comes close to making me feel the way you do" (possibly in more vulgar terms) while gently stroking his chest as he basks in your post-coital glow.

 

On your end, I would question why you came and posted about it on this forum. Do you want it to be an emotional thing on his end? Why are you amused and somewhat irritated that he asked? Just some things to ask yourself. If you're getting in too deep, may as well stop now, it's only once a month and it sounds like you've got other options for sex anyway.

[SoleMate]

Unfortunately, lies and manipulation tend to go with the territory.

[LivingWaterPlease]

KathL, this is what I'm wondering, "Is it possible you're in deeper with him that you realize?" Maybe think about that for a little bit.

 

Because if you have other options why are you sleeping with a MM? It seems to me you may have a deeper connection with him than with the single guys or why wouldn't you give him up and just be with singles?

 

Also, and this is totally speculative on my part, I noticed you joined the LS forum in February. Here it is at least four weeks, possibly more, later which means you've been possibly reading on LS for 4-8 weeks. Is it possible you joined to read about how people in affairs deal with their Rs? If that's so, it would seem to me that possibly this R you're having with MM is of more importance to you than the words in your post seem to indicate since you've been feeling a need to research similar situations.

 

If I'm wrong on this, I stand corrected, and realize I could be totally off base with that last supposition. Just throwing it out there. Why? Because it would be wonderful, if that were the case, if this R with MM is more serious to you than you've admitted to yourself, that you could step back, realize it, and stop participating in it before you end up very hurt.

Edited April 3, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Helga]

As for why this clueless MM is wondering if you're sleeping with other men,

let's see…

 

Perhaps he's worried about catching STDs?

Perhaps he's worried about transferring STDs to his wife?

Based on what I've seen on some other forums, STDs seems to be the big worry, with the emphasis on being worried about transferring STDs to the wife.

 

Also, and this is totally speculative on my part, I noticed you joined the LS forum in February. Here it is at least four weeks, possibly more, later which means you've been possibly reading on LS for 4-8 weeks.

While this isn't directed to me, I'd also joined in February and am just making my first post now. I don't think it too unusual for newbies to read and get a feel for a forum new to them before posting/participating to any great extent. JMO.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

While this isn't directed to me, I'd also joined in February and am just making my first post now. I don't think it too unusual for newbies to read and get a feel for a forum new to them before posting/participating to any great extent. JMO.

 

 

Timing of OPs post is irrelevant to my point.

Edited April 3, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Jersey born raised]

Since my last post I've read all your posts. I want to stress your relationship with your MM is ok from a ploy or open point of view, if and only if the wife is on board because she is the same as you. If she is agreeing to do so out of fear of loss - end it and move on.

 

I recall trigger once when a coworker in response to the question are you married responsed "I'm not but my wife is not". I looked at him and said so that makes you an ass then. Chrst I was pissed.

 

So going forward either keep it with single guys or guys whose wife you have actually spoken to. Seriously for true poly or open people this is basic 101 for a healthy marriage. Anything less is considered adultery.

 

As to your boyfriend and karma. For 99% of guys in ther twenties with woman the same age it is a losing proposition, hence resorting to swinging in which they both hook up or neither do. The balance flips at some point in people's fifties.

 

Odds are better connecting with a older guy who understands your needs than a younger guy. While a lot of guys never grow up try guys 15 years older then you to start. Watch out for daddy issues in yourself though.

[ShatteredLady]

I truly understand how some single women end-up getting into affairs with MM. They are in so deep & hurt so much it's heartbreaking. They know that everyone involved is going to be deeply damaged, including themselves.

 

WHY? Why? Why? Would any single woman with any kind of empathy for fellow human beings continue with a MM that they don't care about??

 

Read these & the infidelity forum threads. They're full of agony, despair, depression, PTSD, suicide attempts.... Real live people! Why??

 

You're young. You're getting laid. (Play the field. Enjoy yourself! I have no worries, it's your life) You don't care about him. REALLY?? Why not dump him & never look back? Why not stick with single men?

 

I'm honestly interested. Is it an ego thing? "I can get another woman's man!" Do you enjoy the power? Why are you doing this? You know that the probability of horribly damaging another person is very, very high & yet you continue & your concern is 'Why does he ask these questions?'.

[Sassy Girl]

It's amazing these days how people declare they are 'poly' in a way that makes theme believe they are perhaps more evolved than the monogamous folk... But they really seem to miss the key concepts such as honesty, openness and most importantly, consent.

 

So to the op- you wouldn't mind if somebody borrowed your toothbrush without asking would you? I mean- what you know won't hurt you, right?

[2016forme]

Almost ten months into this whole thing with MM (mainly sexual and long distance, with us meeting mostly once per month), I found it amusing and seriously wished MM didn't tell me that I was the only woman he had been with (apart from his wife) for the past ten months after our most recent sex.

 

I didn't believe him and only took it at face value - simply because I thought a cheater wouldn't pass up any opportunity to cheat. Subsequently he asked whether I had been with other guys. I was caught off guard... To which the answer was I had, but I lied because I was too ashamed to confess my promiscuity to him as I had been sleeping around with a few other guys (even before I broke up with my then-boyfriend).

 

Now, I am kinda mad at him for the asking. Not the first time he asked/ probed.. why must he go there? Why he couldn't be happy with the extra sex and just leave it at there? Also part of me knows I couldn't trust his words, thus it hurts to be put in that spot where I have to remind myself to not fall for his manipulating..

 

Please follow your first instinct by not allowing yourself to be further strayed by this MM. He only wants the best of two worlds. He wants you on the side and he wants to go home and live a double life. Please understand that your MM is only manipulating and using you if you allow this cycle to keep going on. It is better to find out the truth now than never. Only you know what is best for you.

[RecentChange]

I don't know why his statement or question angered you.

 

It's a frank discussion I have with sexual partners.

 

When MM and I got together - it was talked about "sleeping with anyone else?" - it wasn't about possession, it was about full disclosure.

 

And after a hiatus, when MM came around again, and I HAD been with someone else - let him know. Again, disclosure.....

 

If you can't tell a F' buddy what you have been up to, who can you tell?

[brothers343]

Questions are asked during affairs....some are truthful and some are not. Would I trust my affair partner to be truthful.....probably not. Your upset that he asked you that question

..but in reality you shouldn't be. Your having sex with a married man and everything goes when your having an affair. Weather you tell him the truth or not, your in a situation where genuine (truths) are hard to find.